Savage: or why a child does not communicate with peers. The child does not want to communicate with children: reasons, symptoms, character types, psychological comfort, consultations and advice from a child psychologist. Who does not communicate with children

All caring and loving parents will be concerned about the isolation of their baby. And for good reason. The fact that a child does not want to communicate with children may be a sign of a serious problem that will affect the development of his personality and character in the future. However, there is another version of withdrawn behavior. The reason for unsociability may be in features. Not every parent is able to determine in what case the child needs support. Therefore, it is necessary to understand the reasons that force a child to reject communication with peers.

The problem of children's isolation

Technological progress has influenced the fact that many people began to pay more and more attention to their gadgets instead of communicating with friends and relatives. This is why modern children are much shyer than the previous generation. Just a couple of decades ago, kids frolicked in the courtyards, played dolls, tag and many other games. Now children see that parents only need one conversation at breakfast, and the rest of the time they are occupied with laptops and phones.

First, adults try to distract their child with cartoons, turning them on at any time of the day, and then they ask the question: “They are not friends with the child, what should I do and how to change this?” It is necessary to communicate more with your baby by playing games with him that will improve his communication skills.

Definition of closure

Isolation is not a manifestation of mental illness. This is just the triggering of a defense mechanism, which manifests itself in situations when a child wants to protect his little world from external problems. Closedness is quite rarely inherited. This character trait is acquired. Most often, a child does not want to communicate with children due to stressful situations that have greatly influenced his perception.

They could happen in kindergarten, at home or on the street, while playing with peers. Many parents note that the baby can become shy and withdrawn quite abruptly. Just yesterday he was active and sociable, but today the child does not want to communicate with other children and rejects their attempts to make friends. This once again confirms the fact that isolation is a signal to parents that something is bothering the baby.

What leads to tightness and reluctance to communicate

By handing a tablet to a child in order to distract him with another cartoon, adults, without realizing it, develop in him isolation and reluctance to communicate with peers. This lifestyle makes it clear to the child that communicating with someone is a waste of time. It is much better to sit on the sidelines and mind your own business. Especially when there are such interesting games on the phone, and funny cartoons on the tablet, which are a great distraction from real life. Due to the availability of gadgets, the child does not want to communicate with children and prefers privacy. Therefore, parents should limit their use of tablets or smartphones.

Symptoms of Shyness

Recognizing a withdrawn child is quite easy. Excessive shyness and closedness are manifested in the following:

• talk. He becomes quiet and has virtually no contact with anyone. If he has to address someone, he does it very quietly or in a whisper.
• The child does not want to communicate with peers. This may manifest itself when moving to a new kindergarten, preparatory group or school. He finds it difficult to communicate with children in his new playground, he increasingly prefers independent digging in the sandbox to group games.
• He never expresses his own opinion, always obeys his parents in everything and never rebels. Quiet and calm child may seem ideal to many adults, because of this, few people notice that his tightness and isolation exceed acceptable boundaries.
• The child does not know how to make friends. This should alert parents, because it is in childhood It is human nature to be as friendly and willing to communicate as possible.
• He is attracted to strange hobbies. For example, instead of asking for a kitten or puppy, like all children, a child dreams of a spider or snake.
• Increased emotionality. Any failure makes him shed tears.

All these symptoms should tell parents that the baby needs their help and support. Having identified them, you should not attack the child with questions about why he behaves this way. You need to try to delicately gain his trust by talking about abstract topics.

Reluctance to communicate and the child's temperament

Many parents try to justify their child’s introversion by his innate temperament. Of course, this opinion may well be correct. However, even in this case, it is necessary to carefully understand what exactly he feels when he does not want to communicate.

There are the following types of temperament:

• Sanguines.
• Cholerics.
• Phlegmatic people.
• Melancholic people.

In addition to these types, there is another important factor that influences the definition of everyone's personality. It can be determined by how a person tends to replenish his reserves of mental energy. For example, extroverts need to connect with other people. They cannot live without their energy and often become discouraged when they have to be alone for a long time. Introverts are a completely different type of people. They replenish energy from themselves. Only by being in solitude do they gain spiritual strength.

Many parents believe that a child's isolation is a manifestation of introversion of temperament. To figure out whether this is really the case, you need to learn to distinguish a real introvert from a shy child.

How to spot a true introvert

Children who are introverted from birth do not have problems with self-esteem. They communicate quite easily with peers, but instead of this communication they will always prefer solitude. An introverted child is always confident in himself, easily gets along with other children, but at the same time does not look for new friends and acquaintances. Only having met the most worthy object for friendship, he will meet him halfway and deign to get acquainted. Only by getting an introvert interested can you find an approach to him and become one of the people closest to you. Parents of such a child will not have to wonder: “How to teach a child to be friends?” Therefore, you should not justify shyness and isolation by temperament.

Shy and reserved introvert

Other kids may have signs of introversion in their temperament, but also have increased shyness and reticence. Such children are afraid of large crowds of people, worry when people turn to them, and also begin to get lost in in public places. Despite the fact that introversion is an innate predisposition that cannot be corrected, isolation can be overcome. You can't leave everything as it is. If you don't help your child with his communication problems, it could harm his future. Growing up, it becomes more and more difficult for a person to overcome his fears and complexes. Therefore, parents should help their child cope with this in childhood. There will be no one else to do this except them.

Is childhood isolation the norm or a deviation?

When a child does not want to communicate with children, many parents consider this to be ordinary shyness, which the child will outgrow on his own. However, child psychologists consider excessive isolation to be a serious shortcoming that can negatively affect the child in the future.

Every person is prone to shyness. However, there is a difference between it occurring in isolated cases (in a doctor's office, on a date, while speaking in public) or in a situation where a person suffers from it constantly. For example, if a child is afraid to once again approach his peers to play or talk, it is necessary to help the child overcome the discomfort and fear of communication.

Consequences of shyness and reluctance to communicate

A child’s isolation can cause the following problems:

• The baby will be criticized by other children. Those who are too shy always become the subject of attacks and ridicule from their peers.
• Because the child will constantly feel anxiety and excitement, chronic nervousness and depression may develop.
• It will be much more difficult for a withdrawn child to realize his potential and show his talents. As you grow older, shyness will become even more severe and pronounced. This will prevent a person from achieving success in any industry.
• Personal problems may arise. Closed people most often remain single throughout their lives; they do not marry or have children.

It is because of these reasons that everything must be done to help the child overcome the psychological discomfort associated with the reluctance to communicate with other children.

The influence of character on isolation

Personality types also affect a child's level of shyness. If from early childhood he prefers quiet games to noisy ones, most likely this is just a manifestation of his personal preferences. In this case, you cannot force the child to communicate with peers; this will violate his psychological comfort. You need to try to interest him in these games as much as possible so that he himself wants to participate in them. You can invite a couple of his friends home to make it easier for him to show his social skills in a comfortable environment. It will also help parents determine why children are not friends with their child.

You need to act completely differently if the baby’s character type is lively, energetic and active, but due to some circumstances he has changed his behavior. In this case, every responsible and loving parent should find out the reason why the child does not want to play with other children. You need to communicate with him gently and delicately. Perhaps he himself will talk about what upset him. Most likely, the baby had a fight with one of his friends and is offended by them. Not wanting to communicate with them, he only shows his character, making it clear to the offenders that they did him wrong.

Most experts advise parents of withdrawn children to adhere to the following line of behavior:

• Don't tell your child that he has problems. Otherwise, this will lead to the development of complexes.
• It is necessary to assess the situation in the family to make sure that it is not the cause of isolation.
• Praise the child for expressing his own opinion. You need to ask his advice, share important family topics. He should feel like a full-fledged member of society, whose opinion is taken into account and valued.
• You need to try to improve your baby’s communication skills without imposing. Invite his peers home, help the child join in new team.
• Take a close look at the baby’s behavior and clothing. When wondering why children do not want to play with a child, you need to make sure that he does not have strong differences that make him stand out too much. It could be unusual style in clothes or his speech. In this case, it is necessary to eliminate the reason that causes communication difficulties for the baby and pushes away other children.

Your baby is growing up, and from everything you can feel that family society is no longer enough for him, which means it’s time to expand his social circle.
To check if your child is ready for this, answer the following QUESTIONS:

• Does your child know many peers? Does he enjoy communicating with them?
• Is your baby eager to meet people?
• Does he quickly get used to the new team?
• Can you leave your baby alone without fear that he will cry so much as if you are leaving him forever?
• Does he actively participate in various children's activities when guests come to your house, in the yard, on the street, in kindergarten?
• Can he invent games for himself, for his brothers and sisters, and for his friends?
• Do other children reach out to him and invite him to visit them? How do the parents of his friends feel about his visits?
• Is your child friendly?
• Does he often get offended? How long does he remember the insults caused by any of his friends or relatives?
• Does he know how to stand up for himself if the need arises?

If you answered “yes” to at least half of the questions, it means that your child is most likely free to make new acquaintances, without experiencing discomfort when meeting unfamiliar people. Such a child will painlessly enter the new team.
If you answered no to most of the questions, your baby is not yet ready to communicate with peers: new acquaintances will cost him a lot of effort. It will take endurance and patience to help your child master the science of communication.

Why is it difficult for a child to get along with peers?

In the life of every child, one day a very important event occurs: he joins a new team - he goes to kindergarten, meets kids in the yard, etc. A new social circle does not always immediately become close; very often it is difficult for a child to find a true friend, and new impressions bring him nothing but insults and disappointments.
What are the reasons for this? It always seemed to you that you have a sweet, charming baby, sociable with the adults who visit your home, and gets along well with their children. And then suddenly he withdraws into himself, doesn’t want to go to kindergarten or to the yard, because he doesn’t like playing with other children.
The fact is that a child’s natural state is to be drawn to peers and to play with them. And if he does not look for friends and strives for loneliness, it means that the harmony of his relationship with the outside world, with himself, has been disrupted. You should as soon as possible understand the reasons for what is happening and try to correct the situation.

When entering a new team, even sociable children sometimes get lost. What can we say about those who experience difficulties in communicating with peers because of their individual characteristics: increased emotionality, high or low self-esteem, conflict, aggressiveness, isolation, shyness?

The reasons for such deviations in a child’s behavior can be very different: excessive attachment to one of the family members, spoilage, excessive parental care, restriction of the child’s communication due to fear negative influence against him from friends, a ban on playing with peers at home due to the illness of one of the family members, the parents’ fatigue after a hard day at work, the reluctance to disturb the order in the house, etc.
A child forcibly isolated from his peers is not satisfied with his natural need for communication. Over time, the baby gets tired of even his most favorite toys, and he begins to experience emotional discomfort. Communication with children is replaced by sitting for many hours in front of the TV or computer, which can also lead to headaches, blurred vision, and mental disorders. Having become accustomed to solitude, a child is unlikely to be able to establish contact with other children.
When a child first begins to communicate with his peers, he is faced with an unusual environment: there are many new faces around, different from each other, each child has his own character... He wants to play with everyone, make friends, but something prevents him from feeling comfortable in this seemingly desirable environment.
There is nothing surprising about this. The fact is that the child is accustomed to communicating in close quarters family circle, where he feels protected, surrounded by care, where all attention is paid only to him, where mom, dad, grandparents are always nearby, who will explain, help, regret... Now he has to independently solve problems that are difficult even for an adult, such as approach to new people, choosing a boyfriend or girlfriend.
IN Lately Confused parents often began to contact me, whose children’s behavior resembled snails or hermit crabs living in their own cramped, closed little worlds. Any attempts by peers to communicate with them end in failure: they hide in their “house” and do not give in to any persuasion.

Here's one mother's story:
“When Mashenka was three years old, I left work. My husband earns decent money, and I wanted to pay more attention to my daughter. Before that, she went to kindergarten, and I believed that a few hours of evening communication and shared weekends were not enough to build normal relationship. Now my daughter is always in front of my eyes, everything is somehow calmer. No matter what I do - cook, iron clothes, wash - she is always there: she either tinkers with the doll or draws. But when we go for a walk, he doesn’t approach children. I tell her to play with the girls, but she doesn’t care. In a year she will go to school, but she is not a step away from me. I take her to a group for preschoolers, and during classes I have to sit under the door because she won’t let me go.”

The reason for this girl’s behavior is the suggestion, albeit involuntary, from the mother that her daughter can only feel good next to her.

One more example. At the reception, a mother with a three-year-old son: “I’ve been trying to leave my child in kindergarten for a whole week, but I’m not succeeding. Every morning turns into a nightmare. As soon as we approach the kindergarten, he “withdraws into himself” and stops answering my questions. Yesterday I left him in the garden, but as a result, he cried all day, didn’t eat anything, didn’t play with the children...” I talked to the boy in the presence of his mother and noted that he had an open and trusting look, he strives to communication, sincerely wants to make friends.
In a conversation with my mother, I found out that the baby is very developed: he counts to 100, knows letters, and recites a lot of poems by heart. At home, he is mainly under the supervision of his grandmother, who dotes on her grandson and cares for him like a greenhouse plant. The boy in this case is so accustomed to a caring attitude loving grandmother that I was simply afraid to be alone in a large unfamiliar group. Excessive attachment to his family and the resulting shyness prevented him from acting relaxed with his peers. I advised the mother or grandmother to stay in kindergarten with the boy for several days to help him get used to the new environment. A week later, the mother came to the reception alone and said that the boy had settled into the new team and made friends with the kids. The presence of relatives created a feeling of security, which contributed to the child seeing the positive aspects of communication with peers and easily fitting into the new environment.

Difficulties in communication can be caused by various traumatic circumstances. The baby could have been offended, called names, or given a bad nickname. After this, the newcomer is unlikely to want to communicate with children, or even be near them at all.

Such a case happened with four-year-old triplets girls who refused to go to kindergarten when they were called three little pigs (the girls were somewhat overweight). Only thanks to the special attention of the parents, who helped the girls perceive their shortcomings with humor, and the sensitivity of the teacher of another kindergarten, who managed to prevent a similar incident and introduce the sisters into the already established children's team, the girls were able to get rid of their fears and find friends.

A child's first contacts with peers often end sadly.
One of the most common reasons for this is the child’s excessive shyness. This problem usually arises if the baby’s parents are very domineering and intolerant. Noticing any shortcomings in a child, they try to put pressure on him, believing that talking in a raised voice and pressure can eradicate them.

This method of education only aggravates the situation, increasing the child’s shyness, which can also cause “withdrawal” or so-called “quiet aggressiveness.” In the latter case, the baby will protest not openly, but in a hidden form: he will do everything to spite you.

Another reason that a child cannot establish contact with other children is his excessive selfishness and desire for leadership. Most often, only children in the family or children born first and raised for some time as the only ones face this problem. An egoist child is always the creation of the hands of close relatives with whom he lives: mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers. Having gotten used to everyone’s attention in the family, the baby strives to take a central place in the new team and become a leader. But peers, as a rule, do not accept such children into the company; they do not want to obey the will of the newcomer; it is very difficult for them to understand and accept his whims. And what could be more offensive for a child, whose every whim in the family has always been perceived as a guide to action? He will not be able to immediately change his mind and agree to behave with his peers on equal terms. Therefore, he can withdraw into himself, become touchy, taciturn, or, conversely, too aggressive, intractable, and stubborn. Thus, the family’s desire to limit itself to one child in order to give him all the best sometimes turns into a serious problem: he cannot learn to communicate normally not only with children, but also with adults, demanding unconditional fulfillment of all his whims.

Violation of the harmony of relationships with others can lead to the fact that not only in early childhood, but also at an older age, it will be difficult for a child to find friends among peers.

How can you determine which of the two types (shy or selfish) your child belongs to? It happens that in the family children behave completely differently than outside it, and sometimes even very observant parents cannot give an exact answer to the question: what is my child like? Try a simple psychological exercise. Invite the children to draw a full-length picture of themselves on a white sheet of paper.
Children's drawing is rightfully considered the “royal way” of understanding the child’s world; it is not without reason that not only teachers and psychologists, but also historians, philosophers, ethnographers, and artists are interested in it. First publication about psychology children's drawing published in 1887 in Italy, and since then the number of psychological studies on this topic has been steadily growing. Most of them state that children's creativity reflects the child’s level of development, since he draws not what he sees, but what he understands.
If a child draws himself as a very small figure somewhere in the corner of a piece of paper, this may indicate his lack of self-confidence, shyness, and desire to be small and inconspicuous. In this case, parents should urgently begin to adjust the child’s self-esteem. If he does not learn to recognize himself as necessary and useful to people, you risk losing him as a person.
You can invite your child to draw himself and his friends. Pay attention to the arrangement of the figures. If the baby portrays himself in the center, perhaps he has the makings of a leader; if all the children are holding hands and their figures are approximately the same size, your child will most likely easily get along with other children; if his own figure is depicted somewhere to the side and at the same time smaller than the other figures, this is a warning about serious problems in communicating with peers.
There are children who manage to communicate only with people of a certain circle. Some of them cannot get along with their peers, but quickly find mutual language with children much younger or older than you. Others strive to communicate only with boys or only with girls, while others prefer the company of adults.
Children who strive to communicate with children older than themselves are very often ahead in development of their peers, games with whom they are simply not interested. At the same time, if a child likes to tinker with kids, this does not mean that he is lagging behind in development; it’s just that in the process of upbringing he has developed a certain stereotype of behavior, which consists in a constant need to take care of someone.
The tendency to play only with boys or only with girls is explained by the characteristics of the child’s upbringing or temperament. The behavior of such children also requires correction. After all, when a child becomes an adult, he will have to live in a society that is not distinguished by its homogeneity. Therefore it is important to early age Orient him to communicate with different people.

Children who prefer to be in the company of adults (often they sit in the same room with adults, listen with interest to their conversations, trying to get their word in) are very strongly attached to their parents, so it is difficult for them to get along with their peers.

So, two types of children are especially predisposed to difficulties communicating with peers: “quiet” children and potential leaders. The leader will one way or another find his place “under the sun”; if he does not make friends in peace, he will “conquer” them. It will be much more difficult shy child, therefore, the next chapter is devoted to this type of children.

How to overcome shyness

One of the main reasons why your child cannot communicate with other children is excessive shyness. It happens that even trusting children, kind, sincere, potentially ready to communicate, cannot overcome the psychological barrier and establish contact with peers.
How can I help my son or daughter learn to communicate freely?
First of all, do not tie your child to you. Of course, it’s very nice to feel needed by this sweet baby, to revel in her love, her desire to always be near. But such attachment can lead to the formation of an unviable personality, following the lead of a stronger person, hiding from solving any problems that arise.

Parents need to learn that communication with other children is just as necessary for preschoolers as communication with family members. If being with a family gives a child a sense of self-worth, then contacts with peers stimulate personal development. If you want your baby to grow into a full-fledged person, do not deprive him of either one or the other.

Parents must understand that it is very important for their child to at least sometimes invite guests to their home. Self-affirmation is necessary at any age, and own house This is the best place for this. Here he can boast of the cleanliness and order in his room, a collection of chewing gum inserts or stickers, a variety of toys, and can show off his favorite puppy or kitten that was given to him for his birthday. This increases the baby’s authority in the eyes of other children, and therefore helps him gain self-confidence. In addition, playing at home is no less important than playing outside. You should, of course, agree in advance with your child that after the guests leave, the room will be in the same order as before their visit. And if someone in the house is sick or on vacation, explain that for fun it is advisable to choose quiet activities: solve riddles, play Board games etc. In general, if the parents behave reasonably, the child will behave correctly.

It is important that the child understands that the wishes of all its members must be taken into account in the family, that if his interests are respected, then he must respect the interests of other family members. Then your child will grow up to be a person capable of showing attention and compassion to those who are close to him. This, in turn, will help him find a common language with others, because attentive, sensitive people are always the soul of society.

To prevent the child from being withdrawn, parents should adhere to the following simple rules:

1. From a very early age, try to create conditions for your child so that he has a constant opportunity to communicate with peers, since the less frequent such contacts, the less likely he is to find friends. Go to visit families with children, invite neighbor kids to your home, organize holidays, allowing the kids to show initiative, creativity, and abilities.
2. Do not overprotect your children, do not suppress their will, often provide the opportunity to act independently.
3. Help your child find a regular playmate from among the boys and girls in the neighborhood. The sooner you do this, the better. Understand that even the warmest relationship with parents will not replace a child’s communication with other children.
4. Do not remain a bystander when your son or daughter communicates with peers. Get involved in the game as a participant, helping to establish friendly contacts between children. If urgent intervention is required, for example, if the children have quarreled, act as a peacemaker; If the game suddenly goes wrong, take the initiative into your own hands, try to interest the children in continuing it, offer something new, more interesting.
5. Don't overdo it when helping children with their fun. If every next action of your son or daughter is prompted by you, every toy is made by your hands with their passive participation, and the game is conceived not by them, but by you, these efforts will not benefit the child, but will do harm. Instead of interest, hopeless boredom will arise, and as a result - lack of will, lack of independence, lack of faith in one’s own strengths, excessive pliability to outside influences, dependence on a stronger person, and therefore the impossibility of full communication.
6. Play, have fun, play pranks with your child as equals.
7. Come up with different stories with him, the main ones actors which he and his comrades will be. Let these stories be instructive.
8. Teach your child not only to play games invented by you, but also to create his own. Help him learn to sensibly explain the rules of the game he proposes to play.
9. Teach him to openly and calmly express his own opinion, to prove it without raising his voice, without hysteria or resentment.
10. Try to change the circle of children’s communication less often (for example, the group in kindergarten), since frequent changes of the team negatively affect both a shy child and a child with the makings of a leader. If, for objective reasons, this still had to be done and your child cannot get used to the new team for a long time, come up with something that will attract the children’s attention to him (for example, organize a tea party with games and competitions).
11. Welcome and support the child’s desire to communicate with peers, to create good relations with them. Parents' praise is a great incentive for every child.
12. Spend more time on the street with your child, so that from a very early age he can get used to the fact that he lives among people and that communicating with them is not a necessity, but a pleasant pastime. It is in relationships with friends that the best human qualities are revealed. Since childhood, being surrounded different people, the child gets along with people more easily, gets used to the fact that a wide circle of friends is natural for a normal person.
13. Do not scold him for avoiding the company of children, preferring to be with his mother, grandmother or other loved ones. Don't put pressure on him. This will only have the opposite effect: the child will withdraw into himself. Go the other way - help him join the game by taking part in it with your child, and when he gets carried away, try to quietly disappear from his field of vision.
14. Tell your child fairy tales, stories - fictional or real - about strong friendship, about how people help each other in trouble. It is necessary that these stories are simple and understandable for the child, so that they lead him to the idea that every person should have at least one true friend with whom it is interesting to play, share secrets, help him: “Such a friend will not let you be offended.” , but you must also protect him if necessary.”

Stories will help the child figure out, for example, who can be considered true friend, and who is not, how to choose a good friend.
I will give as an example a few stories on the basis of which you can compose stories for your child.

“Once upon a time there lived a woman and she had three sons. When the children grew up, she sent them on a long journey - to see the world and learn business. The mother gave each son advice on how to choose the right friend. To the first one she said: “Purposely fall behind on the way, and shout to your companion: “The saddle has slipped to one side, it needs to be corrected, but you go, I’ll catch up with you.” If a fellow traveler leaves and doesn’t offer help, he’s not your friend.” To the second she said: “If you get hungry, take a crust of bread from your travel bag, hand it to your companion so he can share it. If he takes most of the bread for himself and gives the less to you, he is greedy, do not go further with him*. She said to the third: “If you have a hard time on the road, robbers will attack you, invite your fellow traveler to gallop forward and save your life. If he leaves you and rushes away, he’s a coward and not fit for true friendship.”

Or here’s another story that will teach you to value the feeling of camaraderie and help a friend in a difficult situation:

“Once upon a time there lived two friends in the forest - Fawn and Little Squirrel. They played together all summer.
But then winter came. Snow fell, which one day after a thaw was covered with a thick crust of ice. The Little Deer cried; he couldn’t break the ice crust. Little Belchonok saw that his friend was crying and asked:
- What happened, buddy?
The fawn answers:
- I have nothing to eat, Belchonok. I can’t get the grass out from under the ice.
- Don’t be sad, Deer, I’ll help you.
He took dried mushrooms out of his hollow and gave them to the Fawn. Everyone felt happy: the Little Deer, the Little Squirrel, and everyone around.”

To overcome a child's shyness, it is useful to organize children's parties. Let it be a real celebration with treats - sweets, drinks and ice cream - with children's games, competitions, riddles. Parents, having taken upon themselves the preparation of the evening, should become kind wizards and do everything so that the children do not feel constrained, so that everyone gets at least a drop of attention. It is advisable that each of the invitees play the role of host of one of the games and take part in the competition, receiving some kind of prize.

An important stage of the holiday is preparation for it. Think over the program, involve children in organizing the plan. Let everyone (taking into account age, of course) get some simple task. At the same time, lead the children to the idea that they came up with all this themselves, praise them for the fact that they are doing everything well.

Public reading of poems, solo singing, storytelling, and participation in dramatizations and puppet shows play an important role in the development of children’s communication abilities. If you have the opportunity, enroll your child in some studio; if not, develop his stage skills at home. If your friends have children the same age as your child, organize walks, evenings of relaxation and entertainment, performances and performances with them. For dramatization, use the simplest fairy tales - “Turnip”, “Kolobok”, “Teremok”, but try to ensure that each actor has a costume or at least the attributes of the character he portrays.
Play more with your children! During the game, their independence and independence are revealed, their strengths and weaknesses are revealed. It is in play that it is easiest to correct their behavior, to correct what prevents them from freely communicating with adults and peers: excessive selfishness or excessive shyness.
It is advisable to create traditions of gaming communication in the family, using holidays such as New Year, Eighth of March, Defender of the Fatherland Day... You just need to show a little ingenuity.
For example, on New Year's Eve you can organize a masquerade at home: let adults become “children” and children become “adults”.
This will help the child to relax and relieve accumulated grievances and irritations. For example, one boy in the role of dad gave commands to his parents-“children” in an authoritative voice:
“Sit down at the table now! Come on, wash your dirty hands! So that in ten minutes your room will be in perfect order!” Parents, in turn, can portray themselves as disobedient, slow, sloppy children. All this causes cheerful and harmless laughter among the players and helps both children and parents see their shortcomings from the outside and correct their own behavior.
On the Eighth of March holiday, the male part of the family can not only prepare a festive dinner, but also play fairyland, treating female representatives like queens and princesses. Imagine how much fun the constant addresses to them “Your Majesty”, “Your Highness”, ceremonial bows and curtseys, and the categorical prohibition of sitting in the presence of “crowned heads” will cause.
On Defender of the Fatherland Day, you can organize a “Knight’s Tournament”, and let the sons and their father take part in various fun competitions.
Collective games, especially popular in the warm season, bring children together very much: “Blind Man's Bluff”, “Cat and Mouse”, “Burn, Shine Clear!” But even in winter you can arrange all sorts of things outdoors. sports: “Dead Eye”, “Snow Basketball”, “Don’t Miss!”
Everyone knows the rules of games such as “Zhmurki” and “Cat and Mouse”. Let's get acquainted with the content of other games.

“Burn, burn clearly!”

Participants line up in two lines behind each other. The following words are said in chorus:

Burn, burn clearly
So that it doesn't go out.
Look at the sky: the birds are flying,
The bells are ringing!

At the words “Look at the sky...” children, standing first, raise their heads up, and with the final words they race to the finish line. Whoever comes running first wins.

"Dead Eye"

Draw a large target on the wall of a house where there are no windows, or on a wooden board. Make snowballs and throw them at the target. Whoever has the most hits in the center of the target wins.

"Snow Basketball"

IN basketball hoop or, if you don’t have one, throw snowballs into an ordinary bucket. The one who hits the most will win.

"Don't miss!"

Draw a large circle (5-6 m in diameter) in the snow, move a few steps away from it and throw snowballs at it. Whoever gets hit takes two more steps, then another. Continue until there is one winner left.
Fantasize more, come up with new games and encourage children to do this, encourage their imagination.
The so-called contact games, when children touch each other, naturally, within reasonable ethical and aesthetic limits, are very effective for overcoming shyness.

"Lavata"

The kids stand in a circle, hold hands and, moving in a circle, chant:

We dance together, ta-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta,
Our cheerful dance “Lavata”.
My legs are good
And the neighbor's is better!

With these words, they touch the feet of their neighbors in a circle and continue moving with the song, changing the word “legs” to “hair”, “ears”, “elbows”, “fingers”, etc.

"Confusion"

To the sound of cheerful music, the kids stand in a circle, close their eyes and, stretching their arms forward, converge in the center. Right hand Each of the participants in the game takes someone by the hand, the left one remains free for someone to take on. When everyone holds hands, they open their eyes and try to untangle themselves without letting go of their hands.

"Blind Man's Bluff"

The presenter, blindfolded, catches other participants in the game who are trying not to get caught by him. Having caught someone, he tries to guess who it is by touch.
Offer to kids role-playing games, in which various situations are played out: “In a store”, “In a hairdresser”, “At a doctor’s appointment”, etc. Prepare for this simple attributes of a particular profession (they can be made from cardboard). You will see that through play your shy baby will gradually learn to communicate freely.
Children love group activities very much. speech games, which can be carried out both in winter and summer, both indoors and outdoors.

HOW TO LEARN TO COMMUNICATE

In order for a child to feel confident when communicating with other children, to behave calmly and with dignity, one should tirelessly instill in him the well-known principle of behavior: “Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you.” Explain to him that communication should be reduced to dialogue. How often do we, adults, replace it with a monologue. When talking, we seem to listen to each other, but do we hear? So, let’s first of all teach our child to hear the other, to be attentive to the mood, desires, and feelings of the interlocutor.
Help your child learn the following rules to communicate with peers:

• Play fair.
• Don't tease others, don't pester others with your requests, don't beg for anything.
• Don’t take someone else’s, but don’t give away yours without a polite request.
• If they ask you for something, give it; if they try to take it away, defend yourself.
• Don't fight if you don't have to. You can only hit in self-defense when someone hits you.
• Do not raise your hand to someone who is obviously weaker than you.
• If you are called to play, go, if they don’t call you, ask, there is nothing shameful in that.
• Don’t snitch, know how to keep the secrets entrusted to you.
• Say more often: let's play together, let's be friends.
• Respect the wishes and feelings of those you play or communicate with. You are not the best, but you are not worse either.

A child can learn to communicate not only among his peers, but also at home, playing with one of the adults who will help him understand a difficult situation. I suggest playing the game “What happens if...” with your baby.
Offer your child the following situations and discuss each of his answers with him:

1. Your friend, running past, deliberately pushed you, but tripped and fell. He is in great pain and is crying. What will you do?
2. A friend took your toy without permission. What will you do?
3. One boy (girl) constantly teases you and laughs at you. What will you do?
4. Your friend pushed you on purpose, causing pain. What will you do?
5. A friend or girlfriend entrusted you with a secret, and you really want to tell your mom, dad or someone else about it. What will you do?
6. A friend has come to visit you. You and he are playing quietly in your room, then dad comes and brings your favorite ice cream. What will you do?

Situations for discussion can be very different. You don’t have to invent them; life itself often suggests them. Analyze the incidents that happened to your child or one of his friends. Ask him how he behaved and how other children behaved; discuss who did the right thing and who did not and what else could have been done to make everything fair...
When asking your child questions, try to quietly lead him to the right decision problems so that he believes that he made this decision on his own, because this is so important for the formation of a self-confident person. This will help him gain self-confidence, and over time he will be able to independently and adequately cope with difficult situations that arise in life.

Independence in judgment and the ability to make responsible decisions comes with age, but these qualities can be developed in a child earlier. First of all, teach him to critically evaluate his own actions.

This can help you "Magic Box". Make it from some box or any unnecessary case, and also prepare tokens in two colors, such as red and green. May every evening be yours baby puts tokens into the box, taking into account what action he committed: good - puts down a red token, bad - green. At the end of the week, open the box and see which tokens there are more, ask him to tell when he did good and when he did bad and why.
Conduct such conversations calmly, without raising your voice, even if what you hear is unpleasant to you. Be sure to find out what made him act this way and not otherwise, and explain how he should have behaved in this situation.
Do not force your opinion on your child. If suddenly a controversial issue arises between you, it is not necessary that your last word should be the last word when resolving it. Keep your child's interests in mind. What you think is right is not always right from his point of view. Know how to listen to him, no matter how controversial you think what he says may be. Misunderstanding on the part of parents can negatively affect communication with other people.
If your child doesn't want to talk about bad behavior, don't insist on it. The fact that he refuses to talk about it already indicates that he is aware of the wrongness of his behavior and next time will not repeat this.

Be sure to praise your child for good deed, for the right decision.

Give him the right to solve some problems himself. He still has his own life. Agree that a boy would prefer to receive a slap in the face from his stronger comrade and then start a game with him than to hide behind his mother’s skirt. And the girl, having quarreled with her friend over beautiful doll, very soon he will forget his offense and continue the game, and will not run to complain to his mother or grandmother.
For full communication, it is necessary to develop a sense of humor in a child from early childhood. People who know how to get out of a difficult situation with a laugh, a smile, a joke are always in the center of attention. They, as a rule, live in harmony with others in any group - children, adults or people of different ages.
Start by instilling in your child a sense of self-irony. Do not under any circumstances confuse it with self-deprecation or low self-esteem. Self-irony will help him look at his own shortcomings more easily (remember the case with the triplets), easily get out of difficult situations or help his comrades in similar cases. Having acquired this wonderful quality with your help, instead of crying at an offensive tease or nickname, he will respond with a smile or say something funny but harmless, thereby shaming the offender.
Start developing your child as early as possible, and then he will be ready to overcome the difficulties of life, its thorny paths and potholes.

Hello, dear specialists!
My daughter is 3.8 years old, and we have problems with adaptation and socialization in kindergarten. My daughter started kindergarten 2 months ago. In fact, it has only been open for 1 month - there were illnesses, the garden was closed for repairs. I went to the garden with great reluctance initially. All the time before kindergarten, I sat with her, combining raising my daughter and freelancing. I deliberately didn’t send her to kindergarten until she was three years old—I wanted her to grow up. It’s clear that I didn’t expect that she would run with great pleasure from under her mother’s wing into the company of people she didn’t know. But I didn’t expect what we have now either. In general, the main points that worry me are:
1. The child does not say anything about the garden. he answers any questions, even the simplest ones, with the phrase: “Let’s not talk about the garden!”, “I don’t want to talk about the garden.” From conversations with other mothers, I know that the children are happy, that they are not offended, that the teachers are adequate (they don’t yell, don’t hit, don’t punish). The daughter herself doesn’t want to mention the kindergarten at all in conversation. I chalk it up to adaptation, but I really want to help. do not know how. I absolutely can’t understand which side to approach it from.
2. The child does not communicate with anyone in the garden. I talk to the teacher, ask how and what is going on. She says that her daughter either sits alone and draws, or takes toys and plays with them herself. She began to avoid children altogether. I can't say she was hypersocial before. She is rather shy, modest, always holding on to my skirt. But older children were always more interesting to her than children her own age younger age. Now she tries to go somewhere where there are no children. It scares me. It's just scary.
3. The child has recently begun to eat constantly. She has a completely standard build - height 105, weight 16.5. I had never noticed anything like this before. Now she runs to the kitchen at least every 10 minutes or says that she is hungry. At the same time, we have 3 main meals and 2-3 intermediate ones. What is this? Is stress eating you up?
Dear experts, I am completely confused. Her condition frightens me. Maybe you have some practical advice for our family? How can I help her?
Sincerely,
Natalia

Answer from theSolution psychologist:

Your daughter is experiencing a strong feeling of fear.

This feeling of fear leads to the fact that her cognitive activity is paralyzed - that is why she secludes herself, does not communicate with other children, and prefers to play alone. A tendency toward shyness and the habit of “always holding on to your skirt” indicate that she does not feel safe. This is very typical for neurotic reactions.

The most important thing that you need to understand about neurotic reactions is that a person (whether a child or an adult) blocks his cognitive activity at the slightest, even imaginary, threat to his safety. Simply put, such a person is more likely to sit quietly and alone than to take the risk of learning something new. And this must be taken into account: an increased need for security, fear of activity, fear of novelty - this is reality. This problem is psychological in nature, that is, it has a conditioned reflex nature.

Sources of neurotic reactions

This is possible if a girl sees an example of similar behavior in her own family.
Please analyze the behavior of all family members involved in raising the girl. Who is used to scolding themselves for mistakes and failures? Who tends to react with fear to everything new, tends to be overly concerned about their safety and block cognitive activity in a stressful situation? Who is overly touchy and overreacts to criticism, prone to increased feelings of guilt and shame, and strives to become “correct, good and ideal”? Who compares themselves out loud or mentally with other people? Whose actions are aimed at earning “approval for impeccably good behavior”? Who scolds themselves for mistakes and has too many “correct” attitudes “how to live ideally”?

If you recognize your own behavior pattern in this, then it may be that the girl is simply copying you. The most optimal way out is, of course, to remove neurotic reactions in yourself with the help of psychotherapy. Then the girl will copy more mature behavior patterns. Thus, it would be advisable for you to engage in the development of your own personality in order to remove the habit of fearfulness.

Popular wisdom says: “Tell me who your friend is, and I will tell you who you are.” Indeed, by the people we choose to communicate with, we can say a lot about ourselves. Although this pattern is sometimes oversimplified, considering that the qualities of a friend practically coincide with the characteristics of the person himself: a rude person chooses a rude person, a smart person chooses a smart person, an aggressive person chooses an aggressive person. In real life, of course, not everything is so simple.

Our inner world and its needs are so diverse that other people in our environment play different roles for us: we communicate with one because he is very similar to us, with another because we can learn from him, with a third because he qualities harmoniously complement ours and we can communicate without conflict, and the fourth, perhaps, is necessary in order to feel “on top” in comparison with him or be able to “let off steam” in disputes with this person. And this is not a complete list.

Children are little adults. Therefore, their choice of playmates may be associated with a variety of reasons. And the instability of connections characteristic of children and insufficient mastery of basic communication skills complicates the analysis of their mutual choices even more. And yet, over time, every attentive parent notices in their child a certain tendency to play with certain children - the children themselves may change, but they all turn out to be similar in some ways. Or vice versa, a child may flatly refuse to play with some children. Moreover, most often boys and girls explain their refusal with simple arguments like: “I don’t want to!” or “I’m not interested in being with him!” In some situations, such stubbornness of a child upsets his parents and the parents of other children. They exclaim incomprehensibly: “Look, what a good boy (girl)! Why don’t you want to play with him (her)?”

Really, why? Let's try to analyze what qualities can influence the choice of a gaming partner.

Let's start with the most seemingly obvious factor - age. Who does your child prefer to play with—with his peers, with adults, with older kids, or with kids?

Of course, there are such sociable children who easily make contact with any age category and are successful in almost any communication situations. But there are few such children, and besides, they still have their own preferences. If this description applies to your child, then you can only be envied - your child is endowed with so-called social intelligence (the ability to understand and predict people’s behavior, notice and correctly interpret the details of human communication) and does not have serious internal conflicts. Most likely, he is quite emotionally stable and has positive attitudes towards the world and people around him.

Most children prefer to play with their peers. This is quite natural, since their level of development is approximately at the same level and their interests often coincide. This choice is reinforced by the modern practice of visiting kindergarten, where the child communicates mainly only in his own group, where his peers are gathered.

Some children prefer to play with older friends. Parents are often proud of this, considering this choice of the child to be a manifestation of his advanced development. Sometimes the desire to play with elders is really caused by the fact that the child is intellectually ahead of his peers, so they do not accept him into the game (he complicates everything too much) or he himself has long “outgrown” the interests of his peers.

However, the reason for more successful communication with older children may also lie in something else—not being good enough. developed abilities child to communicate “as equals”. Imagine that you are communicating with an unrestrained, capricious or conflict-ridden adult. How will your communication proceed? Naturally, it will irritate you, and at the first convenient opportunity you will stop it. Now try to imagine a similar communication situation, but only with a child. In it you will feel “taller” and “smarter”, which will allow you to be patient and be lenient towards many of the child’s negative manifestations. Approximately the same thing happens in a child’s communication with peers and older children.

Therefore, often children, especially those raised as family idols and expecting sympathy, condescension and concessions from everyone around them, cannot get along with their peers, but older children may find their position very childish and funny, which makes their communication conflict-free.

And what does the child’s preference for the role of an older comrade in communicating with children younger than himself indicate? Probably, from time to time it is pleasant for every child to be in such a role - it is by comparing himself with the younger ones that he feels mature enough and skillful, so he can show responsibility and condescension towards them. While fiddling with babies, children become aware of the stages own life, feel its integrity and constancy of its development.

Fussing with babies is of particular importance for girls. It’s not for nothing that boys are much less interested in babies. The fact is that in the process of their sexual development, modern girls do not have many opportunities to join the life of adult women. At the same time, the girl is still identified with her mother, grandmother, teacher or older sister. Little girls try to be like them in appearance, copy manners and intonations, but only by being engaged in important work, like women (that is, taking care of the baby and raising him), do they feel truly grown-up.

As you can see, communicating with younger children can be not only enjoyable, but also useful.

However, if your child has an absolute preference for it and hardly plays with his peers, this should get your attention. Often such situations arise when a child is not accepted by his peers. Failures in communication can be caused by various reasons: the child turned out to be the “black sheep” in the children's team; due to a long illness or trip, he “fell out” of communication with his friends, and they acquired new comrades; due to the transition to new school, where relationships in the class have already developed; and, finally, the fact that the child cannot or does not want to share age-appropriate interests, hobbies and behavior styles with his peers. In any of these cases, your child needs the help of a sensitive and intelligent adult. If parents cannot figure out the current situation themselves, then teachers and child psychologist.

Among “home” children you can also find those who prefer to play only with adults. Often these guys have well-developed “adult” speech (in which they use terms and complex phrases), “sedate” behavior and very intellectual hobbies. Do you think this is a portrait of a gifted child? Don't rush to conclusions! The mental development of such a child is often really ahead of the development of his peers (since he communicates with adults all the time), but at what cost does this come? After all, intelligence is far from the only quality of a person that goes through a number of stages of development. Emotional development children should be given no less (and up to school age even greater) significance.

The clever people we are talking about here, as a rule, have been deprived of the opportunity to communicate with other children since childhood. They do not attend kindergarten, but are at home with their grandmother, mother or. It's not at all lucky if there are no brothers and sisters either. As you understand, you can’t frolic with grandma and others, you can’t run around and you can’t fool around. Therefore, when they find themselves in a children's group at school age or earlier, such children at home get scared. Unlike games with adults, there is always unpredictability, some risk and competition. Accordingly, a child who finds himself in such conditions for the first time, especially an anxious one, is unlikely to find such a game funny and will throw himself into it “headlong.” If in such a difficult moment his fears are not dispelled by close adults, if they do not focus his attention on the fact that this is very interesting, useful and fun, if they do not help him understand what is happening here and by what rules, then there is a high probability that the child will refuse such entertainment once and for all.

Some parents will say about this: “That’s good! But it will free up time for more useful activities and to communicate with worthy adults." Maybe this is not a tragedy. In the end, growing up, such children mix well with other adults, and in terms of careers sometimes even get ahead of them. "Adulthood" equalizes everyone. But this is only externally! In the memory of a child who once played pranks with other children, there is such a stage as childhood, and a child who played only with adults was always essentially an adult. In an adult life burdened with the worries, he will miss the treasury of childhood joys to sometimes relax, sorting through its contents in memory.

So if you notice that your son or daughter is avoiding playing with children, then find an opportunity to help him (her) get rid of fear and begin to learn communication, the boundaries and laws of which are not so defined.

The next important characteristic of a playmate is his gender. Whether children of the opposite sex are accepted into the game depends on what age stage we are talking about. Boys and girls go through a number of stages in their sexual development. The transition to each new stage of development is accompanied, as a rule, by a new attitude towards oneself and representatives of the opposite sex.

Thus, children up to about two years old do not yet notice the differences between boys and girls and react equally to both.

Then (at two to three years) awareness of one’s gender occurs. Although children of three or four years old can play well together, a preference for play partners is already beginning to appear - the choice of children of the same sex. At this age, the gaming interests of boys and girls are divided: the former focus on cars and pistols, and the latter on dolls and mini-copies of household appliances. Boys' games already at this stage become noisier and more active than girls' games. By playing games with children of the same sex that imitate the actions of adults of the same sex, the child strengthens his future role as a man or woman.

However, some children find it more interesting to play with children of the opposite sex. To understand whether such a choice is evidence of difficulties in sex-role play, watch exactly how he plays. If you notice that a boy is playing with dolls, this, of course, does not mean that he has developmental difficulties. Children of this age are very prone to imitation in play, so a boy can simply copy the actions of girls. If, after feeding and rocking the doll, he switches to playing driver with other boys, then there is no need to worry. If he generally tries to avoid boyish entertainment and persistently prefers the company of girls, then adults should think about it. Does this boy communicate with his dad or grandfather? If so, what kind of relationship do they have and do they spend enough time together? Who did the mother want - a son or a daughter? How does this affect her attitude towards the child? In short, it makes sense to analyze whether any external or internal conflicts are preventing the boy from developing his masculinity.

At five or six years old, this tendency towards separate games is even more pronounced. At the same time, the child’s interest in children of the opposite sex increases. However, it is already becoming unacceptable for boys to play “girl” games, therefore, if joint games occur, then often boys in them can be assigned a male role, and girls - a female one, or all roles have no gender differences. So children can play “mother-daughter”, where the boy will be a dad working as a driver (or a captain, in a word, will drive somewhere without interfering with the traditional game), or in a “store”, where each child is just a buyer and gender differences are not important.

So if your son likes to play with girls (or your daughter with boys), then first of all analyze what roles he (she) chooses in these games, and then try to understand what is uncomfortable for the child in communicating with children of the same sex and Do you not support this choice yourself? It often happens that a mother really likes to have a soft, calm son (and thereby unknowingly encourages him to have a feminine style of behavior, which is expressed in the game), or a dad admires the fact that his daughter is a “real tomboy” (of course, the girl will justify this is so as not to disappoint my father).

From the age of six to seven, a relatively calm period begins in the sexual development of children. Accordingly, boys and girls become more tolerant of each other. For some time, they are all united by the common role of students and school interests; games during recess are most often active for all the children. So if your first-grader (or second-grader) likes to play with children of the opposite sex, then at this age this is not a very indicative characteristic. Especially when it comes to intellectual games. Although most children still retain a preference for “sex mates” in games.

By the end primary school the division of classes into “male” and “female” subgroups begins again. It is no longer customary to express mutual sympathies openly, so relationships between the sexes sometimes resemble fighting with a real “battlefield” and forays behind enemy lines. If your child at this age prefers to play with children of the other sex, without disguising his attitude as “harmful” actions, then you need to pay attention to how his same-sex comrades feel about this, whether he notices these unwritten rules of communication and takes them into account. Try to answer the question of who your child feels closer to - boys or girls - and what he achieves by “cheating” on his “camp”. Every person has both masculine and feminine qualities, but perhaps their ratio is too altered or his relationships in his subgroup do not work out. In any case, such a child needs help to adapt to the children's team.

IN adolescence the final formation of gender identity occurs: the boy and girl accept their gender role and the style of behavior associated with it. Joint innocent games no longer have a place in their lives. The girls “huddle together” and have fun together, although they often try to make sure that this is in front of the boys. The boys continue to play with each other. If teenagers organize joint games, then, as a rule, they always have a slight erotic connotation (it’s not without reason that most often this is sport games). So if your son or daughter at this age suddenly fell in love with playing (no matter on the computer or in the gym) with members of the opposite sex, then this is an indicator of their normal sexual development.

Another interesting aspect to analyze is the number of children with whom the child prefers to play at the same time. Just like adults, some children like to be part of a big, noisy group, and some like to play quietly with one or two partners. It is unlikely that any of these positions can be considered more advantageous. But both are indicative. The first suggests that the child is more likely to be prone to extroversion - that is, his personality is more focused on people and objects in the world around him, he is very sociable, adapts well in society, and knows how to show flexibility when interacting with different people.

If a child gets more pleasure from playing with one or two children, then most likely he is an introvert. That is, his personal interests are focused on his own inner world, what happens in his soul is more valuable to him than in the world, he is prone to introspection. This position can sometimes be combined with some isolation, but the inner world of such people can be rich and harmonious.

In addition to these personal characteristics, children may differ in play and a tendency towards competition or cooperation, a preference for intellectual or active games, and an emphasis on relationships or objects. Therefore, the listed qualities can also be the reason why a child rejects joint games with some children. All these differences affect who is more pleasant for a child to play with. However, we note that if a child has well-developed communication skills (the ability to communicate), then the difference in personal gaming preferences should not lead to serious conflicts or loneliness - he will always be able to agree on the alternation of interesting and uninteresting games, find the charm in games with something other than himself, a man.

They are obedient, most of all they love to be near their mother, and they feel quite good in the company of other adults. They clearly like staying at home more than going out. And if they have to go outside, they usually avoid the sandbox and take their mother away from the playgrounds.

Sometimes a mother honestly brings her child to the playground, but he does not show any enthusiasm, is afraid of the noise of the children’s crowd and clings to his mother’s saving knee. Other children quickly take away the toys prepared for acquaintance from the newcomer, and he, as if enchanted, looks at them without doing anything.

"Well, okay! These children are bad and aggressive! Let’s get out of here, baby,” is the first line of mother’s behavior. Second: “Something is wrong. My child doesn’t communicate well, I need to do something about it. Maybe it’s time to see a specialist?” However, not even all psychologists share parental anxiety. Often, after testing the child using a wide variety of methods, they report: “You, mommy, are worrying in vain. “Everything is fine with your baby, intelligence is normal (and sometimes even higher than normal).”
And really, is there a problem here? Is it really necessary for a child to communicate with peers?

Why do children need to communicate?

The child receives his first social experiences in the family. By the way, often in our enlightened age, parents, carried away by newfangled theories early development, forget about simple games, like “okay”, “peek-a-boo”, about the simplest game plots. But our ancestors, who left us these simple amusements as a legacy, were wise. It is emotional games and emotional communication that are most important at this age for the further development of the child. Have you seen a person in our society who cannot read? If you do not take into account the social lower classes, then there are very few of them. Have you ever met people who find it difficult to communicate? Yes, every second person has problems with communication!

Of course, in the cradle the baby does not need to constantly be in contact with peers. For now, his parental company is enough for him. But after one and a half to two years, his world expands. And the further he goes, the more he will need both contacts and conflicts with other children.

The first experience of relationships largely determines how a person will build them in the future, how he will relate to himself and the people around him. After all, only when communicating with each other can children show vivid emotions, scream to their hearts’ content, laugh, and finally get angry. They learn to get out of conflict situations themselves, make peace and join in new game. An adult, from the height of his authority, sets strict rules in relations with a child. And children, communicating with each other, each time find a non-standard solution, because the behavior of their peers is unpredictable.

But why do some children easily make contact, while others find it extremely difficult to do so?

Narrow circle...

If a child spends all his time alone with his mother (grandmother, nanny, etc.), then there is a feeling that he “doesn’t need anyone else.” Unfortunately, my mother often supports this illusion. It’s so nice to realize that there is a small helpless creature who needs you vitally... Sometimes this feeling is described with the words: “I feel it like myself.” Psychologists call this relationship symbiotic; mother and child, as during pregnancy, feel like one organism.

In this case, it is very difficult for the mother to let go of the grown chick from under her warm wing. And yet it must be done, because he will not be able to spend the rest of his life under it.

By the way, a curious thing was noticed. When the child’s social circle is too narrow (the mother is sad at the playgrounds, there are not enough friends, there are rarely guests in the house), a quiet and docile child, finding himself in the company of his peers, suddenly begins to fight. But the thing is that he simply does not know how to communicate differently. He knows perfectly well how to make a request to an adult, how to show his interest, but he simply has no idea what to do with a peer.

• Try to gradually expand your social circle (both yours and your children’s). After all, such problems usually arise when the mother herself is somewhat withdrawn. A personal example in this case - The best way“bring the baby out into the world.”
• Take your child to new places more often. It is not at all necessary that these places be crowded (quite the contrary: large crowds of people do not contribute to close communication). And it is in a large group that a child may feel most uncomfortable. After all, often a child is afraid not so much of communication as of aggression and loud screams. For example, when such a child first enters kindergarten, it is very difficult for him to endure the noise and screams of a large children's group. He seems to switch off, spin around, sing songs to himself, trying not to notice anyone next to him.
• Try to make family friends, as the unforgettable Gosha from “Moscow That Doesn’t Believe in Tears” used to say. Choose a calm, non-aggressive “classmate” who is most attractive to your heir. Invite him to visit, come visit yourself. And gradually try to organize children's play. Your “non-contact child” will feel more confident on his own territory.
• Psychologist Maria Ryakhovskaya, an employee of the Education in Development center, advises : “If at first your son or daughter does not want to join the game, start playing with another child yourself. Just don’t need to demonstratively oppose the children: “Since you don’t want to play, that means I’ll only do it with Vanya”! Let your baby calmly watch the action. He will watch as long as he needs. And then at some point he himself will want to take part in such an interesting activity.”

How good I am!

Communication difficulties often arise in children who grew up with a tight grip. Such children are often scolded and given little praise. From early childhood they must(understand, do, know, be able to – underline as necessary). These demands are almost always too high, and as a result, the child withdraws into himself, because only when he is alone with himself does he not hear constant shouting and does not receive further confirmation of his failure. And how a person evaluates himself is how he is perceived in society. The higher the level of anxiety and the lower the self-esteem, the less accepted the child is in the children's company. To any proposal to do something, such a child has a ready answer: “I can’t!” In fact, “I can’t” means “I need your help.”

Strategy and tactics of your actions

• Don't be shy about praising your child as often as possible. Especially in society.
• Before you give your child any task, first give him a task of the same type, but one that is obviously easy and which he can definitely handle. Notice how well the child did it! The next stage is a slightly more difficult task and always with your support: “I know you can definitely do it. Think a little more about how best to do this.”
• To take the initiative in the game, you need to be able to play and know how it’s done. Teach your son or daughter new games, and show some new plot twist, unusual move, etc. in old ones. His success among his peers will certainly increase!

Behind the glass

This is the most complex version of the “non-contact child”. He is so withdrawn that it is as if he is separating himself with a glass wall from the outside world. In psychology, this condition is called EDA - early childhood autism (from the Greek word autos - self, so autism is self-absorption). Psychiatrists diagnose autism in the first year of life, and sometimes at the age of two or three years.

RDA is not so rare: from 4 to 15 cases per 10,000 children, and more often in boys than in girls. This disease has several striking signs, which, unfortunately, parents often mistake for character traits and do not pay attention to them. special attention. And, if this is the only child in the family, parents simply have nothing to compare their child’s behavior with.

Such a child does not cause problems, does not cause unnecessary trouble, he is again comfortable - he sits in a corner all the time: he either moves the cubes from place to place, or carries the car back and forth. Five times. Ten. One hundred. And one is not afraid to stay, but, on the contrary, loves very much.
And only when such a child gets into a children's group, it becomes clear that he is very different from other children.

What behavioral features should parents be wary of?

1. The child does not strive to communicate in any way. Even in infancy, he does not rejoice at his mother, does not perk up when she appears.
2. When he is picked up, he does not readily extend his arms, does not try to grab the adult’s neck in response, but hangs like a sack of flour.
3. The baby does not like to make eye contact. Instead, he looks as if through people.
4. Such children develop speech late and difficult. They are able to monotonously repeat the same phrase many times. They repeat the same actions, they can sway for a long time, shake a rattle, clap their palms, etc.
5. Autistic people have a special gait: sometimes on tiptoe, sometimes skipping. The usual expression on their faces is thoughtful detachment.

Strategy and tactics of your actions

• Psychologist Maria Ryakhovskaya recommends: “If you notice any signs of autism in your child, show him to a neuropsychiatrist. He will send the baby for an electroencephalogram. After it, the diagnosis of autism can be made or removed with complete certainty. If the diagnosis is confirmed, do not panic under any circumstances. Your child is not crazy! This disease is completely correctable. However, be prepared to work together for a long time with a psychologist.”
• It is very important for a little autistic person to get out of the world of his dreams into the real, today. Therefore, involve him in household chores, give him simple tasks, teach him to help the weaker. It’s great if he helps you take care of your “smaller brothers” (and it’s better to choose not fish or turtles, but someone warm and fluffy - a puppy, kitten, or hamster). These animals are capable of evoking a lively emotional response and becoming an object of concern: “we are responsible for those we have tamed.”

Step forward

Children's first contacts are often aggressive - kids take away each other's toys, hit their "colleagues in Easter cake construction" in the head with shovels. Such a debut in the sandbox does not at all mean that these kids will always communicate only aggressively, this is only the first and simplest form of communication.

At the same time, the emergence of aggression is an important stage in the development of communication. The child begins to understand the concept of “mine is someone else’s”; he tries to stand up for himself, take the initiative into his own hands, and be active.

For example, Verochka has always been a non-contact child. And suddenly, at the age of five, she became aggressive towards other children. This scared the parents and they turned to a psychologist. However, the aggression turned out to be a transition to a qualitatively new stage in the development of the Faith. The child became more active, began to notice children, paying attention to them in this still primitive way.