Advice for parents of aggressive children. Aggressive child - why and what to do Aggression in an 11-year-old child at home

The age of seven is a very important milestone in a child’s life. He becomes a schoolboy and expands his social circle. The daily routine changes, new responsibilities and hobbies appear.

It is now that educational activities begin to actively displace gaming, and thinking from visual and figurative becomes verbal and logical.

Voluntary attention and meaningful memory develop. And it is during this period that aggression most often manifests itself in a 7-year-old child. Advice from a psychologist can help you overcome this difficult period comfortably and correctly.

There are several forms of childhood aggression:

Physical – expressed in physical impact on others or in deliberate damage to objects. The child hits, pushes, bites other children, throws or deliberately breaks objects.
Verbal – carried out orally. This includes: insults, threats, shouting, swearing.
Indirect – indirect aggression. This is gossip, complaints, ostentatious hysterics, inciting conflicts among peers, deliberate violation of the rules adopted in the team.

When showing aggression, children pursue different goals. For one child, this is a way to achieve a certain goal, to get what he wants. For others, it is a way to protect themselves from an offender or take revenge on him.

Some children, having found themselves in a new team, finding themselves among strangers, strive to attract everyone's attention, and find nothing better than shocking others with their behavior. For some, hostility towards peers is an attempt to gain authority, to feel superior or unique.

Reasons for aggression

Potential aggressors are children of the following categories:

Guys with attention deficit disorder, or in a word, hyperactive. They are overly active, fussy, and unable to concentrate for long periods of time.
. Left-handers differ from right-handers not only in their dominant hand. They have a completely different mindset, they are more vulnerable and touchy. The majority have reduced performance and more often experience learning difficulties.
Children with disorders of the emotional-volitional sphere. These are anxious children, vulnerable, and overly shy.

Some can also make a child aggressive. A child who witnesses scandals between parents, who is subjected to family violence, will most likely also behave hostile towards others.

Lack of attention from relatives or excessive care can also negatively affect the child’s behavior.

Stimulants of aggression in children

Even such minor troubles in the opinion of adults can seriously upset a child and cause aggressive behavior:

Stresses that a child encounters in society.
Quarrels with friends.
School with its new, sometimes incomprehensible, laws.
First failures in studies.
Unexpected situations on the street, in transport.

Infringement of the child's basic needs, such as:

communication;
movement;
independence.

Cruelty and violence on the TV screen and in computer games, this virtual world of so-called “shooters”, where the player’s rating is calculated by the number of hits and shots, very quickly captures the consciousness of a small, impressionable person. And it often spills over into real life.

Sometimes the reason for children’s defiant behavior is not aggression, but a kind of “strength test” that they deliberately arrange for adults.

The energy of these seven-year-old people is in full swing and in order not to turn into a destructive force, it must find a peaceful way out.

For hyperactive children you need:

train attention;
maintain a clear schedule of study sessions;
provide physical activity;
praise for good deeds, trying not to pay attention to defiant ones.

Parents and teachers should show love for children in any situation, criticize not the child himself, but his actions. The baby should know and feel that he is loved. This gives him a feeling of confidence and security. For left-handers, you need to properly organize the space. In class they should sit by the window, at the left desk. They should not be required to write continuously.

Fortunately, there are a great many ways to combat this problem. After all, every little aggressor needs a special, individual approach:

Satisfy the need for movement. Together with your child, choose a sports section that is interesting for him and attend it regularly. Go out into nature with the whole family more often, ask your child for help with housework.
Be a positive example for children. Behave with restraint and kindness in any situation. Both at home and in society.
Hugging children. Hugs are a great way to relieve negative emotions. In a fit of rage, the baby can neither control his emotions nor listen to the persuasion and comments of adults. And in the arms of a loved one, he will gradually calm down.
Foster independence, but show a willingness to help if necessary. An independent child is more confident and resistant to stress. At the same time, he should know that mom and dad are always there and will definitely help if necessary.
Respect the little person's personal space. For a child to feel calm and share his experiences with his parents, he must trust them. Therefore, you need to respect his personal space, keep his secrets, not eavesdrop on conversations, and not read “secret” letters and notebooks that primary schoolchildren love to keep.
Maintain your child’s usual way of life, maintain stability in everything. Children react quite painfully to changes in their usual routine, so it is necessary to warn about these metamorphoses in advance and prepare for them.
Explain how unprofitable such behavior is for the child himself. In a calm atmosphere, you need to discuss inappropriate behavior and its consequences. For example: “Now you forcibly took the ball away from the girl, and now the children will think that you are ill-mannered.”

In this case, parents are required to strictly observe the established boundaries of behavior. The child needs boundaries. In an atmosphere of permissiveness, he becomes nervous and anxious.

Therefore, it is important to clearly define what can be done and what cannot be done. These rules should be stable and not change depending on the situation.

Methods for combating aggression in children

The first step to defeating aggression is the ability to express your emotions in words.

This difficult task cannot be done without the help of adults.

Seeing that the child is losing his temper, you should calmly and kindly explain to him the reasons for his anger, show your sympathy and participation.

For example: “You are angry because you didn’t have time to finish your drawing. But you can finish it at home, and tomorrow you can show us the result.” Over time, children learn to voice their experiences themselves.

To verbally express a problem, there is the “Pebble in a Shoe” technique. The teacher or parent should draw a parallel and explain the rules: “Has a pebble ever fallen into your shoe? Remember this unpleasant feeling when at first it is almost unnoticeable, and then begins to rub and scratch your leg more and more. And if you don’t shake it out right away, you can even rub a callus. And when you take off your shoe, you will be surprised at how small and unnoticeable it is, this unfortunate pebble. So are our experiences.

Even the smallest and most unnoticeable offense will make us angry and hurt until we talk about it.” Children are encouraged to compare all their troubles with a pebble. And to talk about them, use the standard phrase: “I have a pebble in my shoe.” Next, explain what exactly this pebble is: a classmate pushed him, his braid came undone, he didn’t have time to go to the board, etc. In such a playful form, it is much easier to talk about your problems.

Teach your child to express aggression in peaceful ways. There are many anger management techniques:

A “whipping pillow” or “scream bag” that comes to the aid of an angry baby.
Humor can also be a great help. Children will definitely enjoy the game “Name Calling”. The essence of the game is to come up with funny, harmless name-calling for each other. You can use words on the same topic: vegetables, fruits, items of clothing, dishes and others. And perhaps, in a conflict situation, children will want to make the same joke instead of insulting their opponent.

Childhood aggression brings a lot of distress to both the child himself and his loved ones. And it is impossible to cope with it alone. But if there are loving, attentive people close to the child, he will be able to overcome any difficulties.

The child grows quickly, surprising his parents with his new behavior. Until recently, he smiled sweetly at the whole world and people, but now he is ready to cry, be capricious and get into a fight. If parents are unprepared for the fact that their baby will begin to develop negative qualities, then they find themselves at a dead end: “Where does the child appear from? How to deal with aggression? When parents witness that children display aggression with all its inherent signs and causes, the question arises of treating children for this quality.

Aggression in children

Childhood is the initial stage when kids begin to copy their parents and friends, trying out new behavior patterns. Aggression in children is a unique pattern of behavior that is reinforced for many years if they achieve their goals. For example, if a child wanted to get someone else’s toy and he managed to do this by showing aggression, then he will have an association: aggression is good, it helps to achieve what he wants.

All children try aggressive behavior as a pattern of behavior. However, subsequently, aggressiveness in some children becomes a character quality that they constantly display, while in others it becomes only a reaction to the cruelty of the world around them. Typically, aggression in children is a form of expressing their indignation at factors that arise in the world around them. A child can either express his emotions verbally or at the level of actions (cry, fight, etc.).

In almost every team there is an aggressive child. He will bully, get into fights, call names, kick and provoke other children in other ways. The first signs of aggression in children appear in infancy, when the child is weaned. It is during the period when the child does not feel protected and needed that he begins to worry.

The aggression of many children is an attempt to attract the attention of parents who pay little attention or ignore them altogether. “Nobody needs me,” and the child begins to try various behavioral models that will help him attract attention. Cruelty and disobedience often help him in this. He notices that his parents begin to communicate with him, twitch, and worry. Once such behavior helps, it begins to be reinforced for life.

Cause of aggression in children

Like any person, children have their own unique reasons for aggression. One child may be bothered by “cold parents”, while the other may be worried about the inability to have the toys they want. There are enough reasons for aggression in a child to highlight a whole list of them:

Somatic diseases, disruption of the functioning of parts of the brain.
Conflictual relationships with parents who do not pay attention, are not interested in the child, and do not spend time with him.
Copying the behavior patterns of parents who themselves are aggressive both at home and in society.
Parents' indifference to what is happening in the child's life.
Emotional attachment to one parent, where the second acts as an object of aggression.
Low self-esteem, the child’s inability to manage his own experiences.
Inconsistency of parents in education, different approaches.
Insufficient development of intelligence.
Lack of skills to establish relationships with people.
Copying the behavior of characters from computer games or watching violence from TV screens.
Parental cruelty towards a child.

Here we can recall cases of jealousy that arise in families where the baby is not the only child. When parents love another child more, praise him more, pay attention to him, then this causes indignation. A child who feels unwanted often becomes aggressive. His targets of aggression are animals, other children, sisters, brothers and even parents.

The nature of the punishment that parents use when the child has done something wrong also becomes important. Aggression provokes aggression: if a child is beaten, humiliated, criticized, then he himself begins to become like that. Leniency or severity as methods of punishment always lead to the development of aggressiveness.

Where does a child's aggression come from?

The website for psychotherapeutic assistance notes that children’s aggression has many causes. There can be family problems, lack of what you want, experimentation of your behavior, deprivation of something valuable, as well as somatic disorders. Children always copy the behavior of their parents. Often adults need to look at how they behave in the presence of children in order to understand where the child's aggression comes from.

The first manifestations of aggression may be bites, which are committed by a 2-year-old child. This is a way to show your strength, establish your power, show who is in charge. Sometimes a child simply looks at the reaction of the world around him by displaying this or that behavior. If the mother shows aggression, then the baby simply copies her.

At the age of 3, aggression manifests itself due to the desire to have a beautiful toy. The children begin to push, spit, break toys, and become hysterical. The parents' desire to force the child to calm down is unsuccessful. Next time the baby will simply increase his aggression.

4-year-old children become calmer, but their aggressiveness begins to manifest themselves in games where they need to defend their point of view. A child at this age does not accept the opinions of others, does not tolerate invasion of his territory, does not know how to sympathize and understand the desires of others.

At the age of 5, boys begin to try their hand at displaying physical aggression, and girls – at verbal aggression. The boys begin to fight, and the girls give nicknames and ridicule.

It is at the age of 6-7 that children learn to control their emotions a little. This does not manifest itself in a wise approach to business, but simply in hiding one’s feelings. Being aggressive, they can take revenge, tease, fight. This is facilitated by feelings of abandonment, lack of love and an antisocial environment.

Signs of aggression in children

Only a child can feel his emotions. He is not always able to recognize them and understand the reasons. This is why parents notice too late that something is wrong with their child. Typically, signs of aggression in children are the actions they perform:

They call names.
They take away the toys.
They beat their peers.
They are taking revenge.
They don't admit their mistakes.
They refuse to follow the rules.
They are angry.
They spit.
They pinch.
They swing at others.
They use offensive words.
They are hysterical, often for show.

If parents use the method of suppression in raising a child, then the child simply begins to hide his feelings. However, they don’t go anywhere.

The child's frustration and helplessness forces him to look for any ways to cope with the problem. If parents do not understand the child’s feelings, then their measures only aggravate the child’s behavior. This further depresses the child who did not want what the parents did. When there is a lack of sincerity and caring on the part of the parents, then the child begins to lash out at them or other children.

It all starts with the child trying hysterical forms of aggression: protest, screaming, crying, etc. When toys are beaten and broken, the child thus throws out his indignation.

After this period, there comes a time when the child begins to try his verbal skills. Here words are used that he heard from his parents, from TV or from other children. A “verbal fight”, where only the child should win, is a common way of displaying aggression.

The older the baby, the more he begins to combine physical strength and verbal attacks. The method that he is most successful in achieving his goal, he uses and improves.

Treatment of aggression in children

One should not hope that various methods for treating aggression in children will completely eliminate this quality. It should be understood that the cruelty of the world will always evoke aggressive emotions in any healthy person. When a person is forced to defend himself, then aggression becomes useful. “Turning the other cheek” when you are humiliated or beaten becomes the path to a hospital bed.

Thus, when treating aggression in children, remember that you are helping the child cope with his internal problems, and not with eliminating his emotion. Your task is to preserve aggression as an emotion, but eliminate it as a character trait. In this case, parents take an active part. If their parenting measures make the situation even worse, then the treatments used by psychologists become more complex and lengthy.

You should not hope that the child will become kinder with age. If you miss the moment of emergence of aggression, this can lead to the formation of this phenomenon as a character quality.

The most effective way to eliminate aggression is to correct the problem that makes the child angry. If the baby is just being capricious, then you should not react to his hysterics. If we are talking about a lack of attention, love, general leisure, then you should change your relationship with the child. Until the cause of aggression is eliminated, it will not disappear on its own. Any attempts to persuade a child to no longer be angry will only lead to the fact that he will simply learn to hide his own feelings, but the aggression will not disappear anywhere.

At the moment when a child shows aggression, you should understand the factors that cause it. What triggers trigger the aggressiveness mechanism? Often parents, by their actions, cause anger and indignation in the child. Changing the behavior of parents entails changes in the actions of the child.

How to deal with aggression?

Often the cause of aggression in children is poor relationships with parents. Thus, aggression can be dealt with only by correcting the behavior of both parents and children. Here are exercises that the child can do alone or with his parents. Role-playing games, where the child and parents change places, are a good exercise. The baby has the opportunity to show how his parents behave towards him. Also here, scenes are played out when a child behaves badly, and parents learn to communicate with him correctly.

It would not hurt for parents to study the literature or consult with a family psychologist, where they can get information on how to properly respond to a child’s aggression, how to raise him and what ways to pacify his anger.

The behavior of the parents themselves, not only towards the child, but also towards other people, becomes important. If they themselves show aggression, then it becomes clear why their child is aggressive.

Both parents should have similar approaches to raising children. They must be consistent and unified. When one parent allows everything and the other forbids everything, this allows the child to love one and hate the other. Parents must think through the measures and principles of their upbringing so that the child understands what is normal and correct.

Methods also used here:

Pillow beating.
Switching attention to another activity.
A drawing of one’s own aggression that can be torn apart.
Parents' exclusion of intimidation, offensive words at the time of a child's aggression, and blackmail.
Maintaining a nutritious diet.
Sport.
Doing relaxation exercises.

Parents should spend more leisure time with their children and take an interest in their thoughts and experiences. It also helps to exclude aggressive computer games from entertainment and watch violent programs and films. If the parents are divorced, then the child should not feel this. His communication should take place calmly with both his mother and father.

Bottom line

Aggression cannot be completely eliminated from a person’s life, but it can be learned to understand and control. It’s good when aggression is a reaction, not a quality of character. The result of upbringing, when parents are engaged in eliminating aggressiveness in their children, is independence and a strong personality.

The prognosis in the absence of parental attempts to help the child control his rage may be disappointing. Firstly, when a child reaches adolescence, he may find bad friends. Everyone gets them. Only children who can control their aggression soon leave the “bad companies” themselves.

Secondly, the child will be confused. He does not know how to understand his experiences, assess the situation, or control his actions. The result of such behavior can be prison or death. Either the child, when he grows up, will become a criminal, or will find himself in a situation where he will be maimed or killed by other aggressive people.

The boundaries of what is permitted are erased for a person who does not learn to manage his emotions. This is often seen in criminals. As a result of the lack of education to eliminate aggression, the emotion becomes consolidated and formed into a quality of character. As you know, no one likes evil people. Only equally aggressive people can surround someone who is angry at the world. Is this the future that parents want for their child?

An aggressive child is often. He is either afraid to be left alone, or understands that he cannot interest anyone or make anyone fall in love with him. All people desire to be accepted. This is what a child wants, who simply does not yet understand that aggression only pushes people away from him even more. If parents do not reach out to a child who is angry, then he may wonder what else he can do to get his parents to love him again.

Children's aggression is a completely natural and natural phenomenon. American psychologist Parens believes that a fundamentally non-hostile form of behavior is detected already from the second month of a child’s life. The child behaves aggressively in order to assert himself or improve his experience. This type of aggression is an important motivation for self-affirmation and encourages the necessary competition in the world, which is not initially destructive.

A one-year-old baby may angrily hit a spoonful of porridge that he doesn’t want to eat. And a one and a half year old - slap his mother in the face if she insists on a walk, and the baby is enthusiastically fiddling with a typewriter on the carpet. And in this case, you need to be able to initially react correctly to the first outbursts of aggression, anger and violence on the part of the child. If attempts at destructive aggression are not stopped in time, then in almost 100% of cases parents create additional problems for both themselves and the child.

It often seems to parents that teaching a three-year-old toddler to restrain his emotions is pointless. This is a more than strange position, since the foundations of behavior in society should be laid initially, and not descended from the sky on the eve of school. It’s not for nothing that in Rus' they said that “you need to learn while you’re lying across the bench, but once you’re stretched out, it’s already too late.”

Aggressive children, as a rule, turn out to be outcasts in kindergarten, and then in elementary school. In search of communication, they either begin to force friendships (and such relationships are initially fragile, since they are based on fear) or team up with children with a similar temperament and emotional world, which leads to antisocial behavior. After all, in order to have authority in such a company, you need to constantly prove that you are stronger and more reckless than others.

It is not clear why many mothers are touched when a two-year-old child, in an attempt to assert himself, hits his mother’s arms and legs with his fists. They believe that with age this behavior will neutralize itself. But nothing ever happens by itself. Having learned in childhood the experience that one can beat one’s mother, the child transfers this model to girls in his class, to a friend, and later to his wife and children.

The causes of childhood aggressiveness can be divided into several groups:

- the reason is the model of destructive behavior of parents.
- the cause is a stressful situation
- the reason is the parents’ incorrect reaction to manifestations of destructive aggression or the parents’ incorrect attitude towards the child.
- the cause is psychopathological and neurological abnormalities in the formation of the brain and psyche.
So, if you decide to deal with a child’s aggression, pay attention, first of all, to your own behavior and the behavior of those in your household. After all, the first reason for aggression in children lies in the nature of socialization, when a child copies the behavior of adults. Aggression in this case is not a property of the child’s psyche, but a model of behavior adopted from adults. How do you personally deal with your own aggression? How does your child know when you are angry or upset? If he often watches his mother express her attitude towards something by slamming the door or throwing slippers at the wall, then he will consider the aggressive model of behavior to be the norm. If dad beats mom, and mom takes it for granted to spank the child for any offense, then you need to first learn to cope with your own aggression and normalize the situation in the family.

Let your child understand that everyone has the right to have bad emotions, but to express anger you should not rush at a person with your fists. Teach your child to express his dissatisfaction with words. When your child is close to getting angry, tell him: I can see that you are upset and angry right now. Let's figure out what you feel and why. As a rule, negativity, expressed in the form of words, relieves tension. If you repeat this exercise often, then gradually the verbal expression of negative emotions will become the norm for the child.

Parents often say: he doesn’t understand the words, but if you pour it in properly, he becomes like silk. It is strange that in the 21st century we have to explain to educated adults that physical punishment is inherently evil. Let's admit that a child is spanked not for educational purposes, but because an intelligent adult could not cope with the outburst of emotions. Are there not enough ways to solve problems nonviolently? The method of competition, switching attention, the method of natural consequences, depriving him of some privileges (walking, watching a cartoon), the time-out or “punishment chair” method, the method of traditional communication and explanation, in the end. If you most often spank a child in response to disobedience, then by doing this you sign that you could not find the words to explain to the child how to act correctly.

The history of forensic psychiatry shows that among murderers and maniacs who were particularly cruel, 97% grew up in families where physical punishment was the norm. That is why these people subconsciously believed that the physical form of influencing undesirable people (including murder) was normal.

You should not exaggerate that the slightest physical punishment will cause a child’s psyche to deteriorate; this is not true. There is nothing special if once every two months you couldn’t restrain yourself and lightly spanked your child’s bottom. It's scary when beating becomes the norm in education. This establishes that the strong have the right to beat the weak.

Learn to express your emotions yourself without kicking and slapping. Learn to say out loud yourself: “I’m unhappy with your behavior, you’ve made me very angry with your disobedience, I’m just beside myself with anger. Therefore, most likely, I will not want to read you a fairy tale in the evening.” By the way, it has been noted that for aggressive people it is very difficult to express their attitude in words, especially when talking with children.

But often parents do not see that they are showing their children a model of aggressive behavior. Like, we don’t hit the child, we don’t hit each other. Why is our behavior considered aggressive? The concept of aggression is much broader than it initially appears. For example, a two-year-old child is running down the street with a stick - he is chasing pigeons, and his grandmother looks at it favorably. Why? Because it still won’t catch up? What if next time the child runs at grandma like that?

If at the stage of early development, up to 2-2.5 years, the aggressive behavior of children is not stopped and attention is not switched to other ways of demonstrating their uniqueness, then the aggressive model moves into the realm of a conscious reaction. This is the third reason for children's aggressiveness.

Parents can “trigger” the mechanism of a child’s aggressiveness by constantly belittling him. If a child is subjected to systematic humiliation in the family, then in an effort to overcome the feeling of his own inferiority, sooner or later he will try by any means to prove to adults that he is worthy of something else. Through aggression will flow the desire to demonstrate that his position in the sociohierarchy system is higher, that he is worthy of a different attitude, a greater degree of trust or independence. Aggression of this kind is like a volcanic eruption: it bubbles quietly in the depths of a child’s soul, and then from some small push it breaks out like an avalanche. Such aggression is typical of children who have spent a long time in an authoritarian society, where their opinion is not taken into account.

It happens that there are no aggressive relatives in the child’s family, but the child becomes a real despot. The most common reason for such “incomprehensible” aggression is a “stormy” atmosphere in the house. For example, when parents are in a quarrel and practically do not communicate. Or when a mother-in-law comes to visit, who has a strained relationship with the child’s mother. Although there is no obvious manifestation of negative emotions in the family, children, like radars, sense the tension between relatives and defuse it with their own destructive behavior.

Stressful situations often provoke aggression in children. For example, the cause of aggression can be a sharp difference in educational measures. So after Sunday visits to her grandparents, three-year-old Alice always became capricious and irritable. The reason for this was, oddly enough, the great love of my grandparents. The parents raised their daughter more strictly, and her grandparents allowed the girl to do things that were strictly forbidden at home: she watched cartoons for hours, ate a lot of chocolate, went to bed when she wanted, received endless gifts, etc. At home, the girl began the week by adjusting to her comfortable life with her grandmother. And discontent was expressed in the form of outbreaks of aggression.

For a large number of children, outbursts of aggression coincide with the start of kindergarten or school. The mother of first-grader Denis complains:

He was always a nice home boy with us, he didn’t make trouble, there were no problems. We didn’t go to kindergarten; we didn’t need these infections and equalization. But when we went to school, what a substitute! The teacher complains: she makes trouble, constantly contradicts, doesn’t listen, and fights during breaks. And recently, over some trifle, he severely beat a classmate who was a head shorter than him!

In a home environment, a child is a king and God; they can make concessions to him and feel sorry for him. At school, the child ceases to be the center of a small world. And this hurts, especially if you fail to succeed in knowledge. If you cannot achieve respect through mental achievements, then there is only one way to assert yourself: using your fists to force yourself to be taken into account.

Here aggression is used as a self-defense mechanism when the child sees a real threat against him. Note that this reaction is typical for insecure children with somewhat low self-esteem, since for them aggression replaces courage. As a rule, children who did not receive enough maternal affection in early childhood or do not feel real help from adults behind them express themselves through an increased form of aggression.

Psychologists strongly recommend that even if it is possible not to send your child to kindergarten, be sure to send him there at least six months before school. Socialization experience must be acquired before school, and visiting a sports section or two-hour classes in a development club is not enough. We need full-fledged games among peers under the supervision of adults, then the child has the opportunity to gain experience in sorting out relationships in various combinations.

Often a child becomes an aggressor if something incomprehensible to him happens in the family, which the child cannot influence or simply does not know how to react. For example, a second child is born. Usually, a 2-year-old already understands perfectly well that the reason for changes in the family is the appearance of a newborn. Unfortunately, I had to deal with cases of unprecedented aggression towards a baby on the part of an older child: older children hit the baby on the head with toys, threw him onto the floor from the sofa, tried to hit him with a ski pole... Alas, there was also a terrifying case when a six-year-old girl threw out her newborn brother from the window. It is very difficult to fight this kind of aggression; it must be extinguished even before it manifests itself.

You will not have strong problems with jealousy if you tell your eldest in advance how good it is when there are many children in the family. It’s good if you show your child pictures of babies, go shopping for some things together, involve the child in choosing a name for the baby doll or installing a crib. If the new baby falls on the older child out of the blue, then the older child will definitely begin to fight for the mother’s attention.

Often, only a specialist can find out whether the cause of aggression is a stressful situation. And, of course, only a specialist will help if the child has specific mental disorders.

Recognize that your child is a full member of the family. And his opinion must be taken into account in any large-scale changes.

What should a mother do at the initial moment of fighting child aggression, how to react to outbursts of rage?

If a child raises his hand to you, intercept it and say sternly, looking straight into his eyes: “I really don’t like being hit, so I don’t allow anyone to do this to me and I won’t allow you either.” It’s not a fact that the child will understand this the first time, especially if he was previously allowed to beat everyone. But after 10 times, awareness will begin to occur.

If a child throws a toy in anger, pick it up, return it to the child and sternly tell him that toys don’t like being treated that way and that it might break. If the child throws the toy a second time, remove it for a day or two. Say that the toy was offended by him and asked him to take it away from the boy who was hurting her. If the child is two or three years old, ask him to stroke the toy right away, otherwise he will no longer play with his owner. Alternatively: oh-oh, the doll hurts, Katya threw it on the floor! Now the doll needs to be treated, she has a big bruise on her arm. Come on, Katya, bring cotton wool, bandages and cream - we will treat our doll. Wrap her in a sheet, rock her...

This technique switches the child from a destructive model of behavior to a positive one - to feel sorry, to show compassion.

If a child swings at his little sister, stop his hand, then strictly tell the children that since they do not know how to play with each other, they will play separately. Separate the children into different rooms. If the dispute was over a toy, remove it. Don't start finding out who started it first, as this leads to the emergence of snitching.

Punish with severity of tone and confiscation of the toys of both offenders - for the fact that they both could not find a compromise. In the same way, it is necessary to defuse a situation when the youngest child is to blame. Often younger children, seeing that the older child is generally considered to be to blame for all conflicts, deliberately provoke the older child into scandals and mischief. That is why do not tell an older child “you are older, you must understand” or “you are older, be sure to give in to the baby.”

If your child is constantly rude to his grandmother, limit their communication for a while. Calmly explain to the child that since he upset his grandmother, behaved rudely, called him names, etc., he will no longer be able to communicate with his grandmother. It’s a pity, because only the grandmother buys Kinder surprises for her grandson, and the grandmother was also going to take her beloved baby to the park to ride the rides... Well, since you don’t know how to be friends with your grandmother, then the grandmother will sit at home, and you will sit at home myself.

Constantly show your child a non-aggressive model of behavior, teach compassion. Imagine that a child wants to pet a street kitten. The wrong, aggressive model of behavior in this situation is to shout “don’t touch, he’s contagious,” push the kitten away, and forcefully drag the child away by the hand. The correct model of behavior is to feel sorry for the kitten: “look how unhappy he is, how bad he feels. Come on, let's go home and bring him a piece of sausage! But we won’t touch the kitten or take it away from here. Imagine, someone else’s aunt starts touching you and taking you somewhere! You'll be scared. So the kitten will get scared if we touch it. Besides, his mother cat might not like it! We don’t want to upset the mother cat!”

Teach your child to express his emotions in words: “I’m unhappy,” “I’m sad,” “I’m angry,” “I feel unpleasant,” etc. If the child is still small, voice it out for him: “I understand you, Sasha, this car is very beautiful, and you really want this car. But I can’t buy it for you because I forgot the money at home (show the empty wallet). I see that you are sad that I will not buy this car, you are even angry with me. I’m also sorry that we won’t be able to buy this car, but I suggest you go for a ride on the swing.”

In this case, however, you will have to not buy anything for anyone until the end of the walk, so that it doesn’t turn out that you deceived the child.

Aggression is human nature. The ethylological approach (K. Lorenz) states that aggression is an integral part of the human essence, its nature lies in the innate instinct of the struggle for survival. However, this does not mean that a person cannot learn to manage his aggressiveness. And the closest people should teach this in childhood.

Many parents sooner or later face the problem of aggressive behavior in children, without knowing what to do. Before looking for advice, you need to understand what experts mean by aggression. This may be called a form of verbal abuse, causing damage to property.

There is still no common point of view on the causes of childhood aggression. Some experts believe that this is an exclusively innate character trait, others believe that the unfavorable environment at home, insufficient upbringing, and social withdrawal are to blame.

At any age, aggression in children is a way to convey important information to the outside world. Up to a certain age, this is an indicator of ongoing development.

Infancy

At the very first stage of life, anger is a defensive reaction. Appears in response to discomfort and serves to attract the attention of an adult.

2-4 years

Aggression in children aged 2-4 years is an attempt to learn to interact with the outside world. Most often it is aimed at parents and is needed to present their demands or desires. This period marks the crisis of the age of three. Children already understand that they are separate from their mother, independent people. But they do not yet know the correct ways to express their demands, so they often resort to anger, such as biting.

4-6 years

At preschool age, children begin to experience grievances. Often disorders are associated with toys or games with peers. Preschool children already know how to talk, but the ability to verbally express desires develops gradually. Aggression occurs as a defensive reaction. Aggressive behavior of preschool children especially worries parents before school. But as they grow older, irritation decreases and the ability to resolve conflicts verbally increases.

6-10 years

At this age, a former preschooler finds himself in a new environment - school, and learns to integrate into a new community with its own rules. In addition, children of primary school age experience a leap in development. Now the children are no longer babies. They are actively growing up and showing interest in adult life. Most often, the aggressive behavior of children of primary school age is associated precisely with parents’ rejection of the fact that it is time to communicate with the child on an equal basis.

10-12 years

10-12 years old is a stage otherwise known as early adolescence. A kind of preparation for adolescence, adolescence. Now parents and other adults are losing their authority in the eyes of a teenager. The opinion of peers becomes much more important. Attacks of aggression are natural and indicate changes in the body.

If until this time nothing in the behavior of your son or daughter has caused concern, then do not rush to sound the alarm. Gradually the behavior returns to normal. If the child is nervous and aggressive, if you have previously encountered uncontrollable anger, or you feel that you are losing control over the situation, a diagnosis from a specialist is necessary.

Attacks of aggression in children are common. In the cases described, this is a signal of the emergence of new emotions, which the baby does not yet know how to cope with properly, and therefore should not cause much concern for parents. You need to show attention and explain how to behave in certain circumstances. The main example for children of any age is their parents. Therefore, it makes sense to look at how you deal with conflict situations. His behavior is probably a copy of yours.

However, if this behavior is protracted, it is worth paying attention to it. Experts identify a number of signs that can be used to determine a child’s predisposition to aggressive behavior:

Sensitivity and therefore constant resentment.
Refusal to follow the rules.
Provoking conflict.
Excessively emotional reaction to the actions of others.

The listed qualities may simply be character traits, or they may be a signal of more serious problems. Carefully observe why your child performs certain actions before drawing conclusions.

Types of aggression

Types of aggressive reactions are divided into several types:

Verbal - the fidget uses all its vocabulary to insult another person.
Physical - fists, teeth, nails are used. The child actively gets into a fight.

Can also be divided into:

Direct - coming into direct contact with an opponent verbally or physically.
Indirect - the desire to express aggression towards an opponent through causing harm to his things. For example, a child may want to break another person's toy, tear up a book, or throw something away if he feels angry towards that person.
Symbolic - in other words, threats. The baby may scream that he is going to use force. Most often, a warning is immediately followed by action.

Moreover, aggression can be:

Active, that is, initiated by internal mental processes.
Protective - a reaction to external conditions.

Experts are trying to establish a relationship between the level of development of a child and the tendency to show aggression. For example, it is noted that children with lower developmental levels are more likely to exhibit sudden, impulsive rage.

Factors influencing the child

Aggression does not occur if the student feels comfortable. Hostility appears if he is in an unpleasant situation.

There are a number of external factors that can increase a child's risk of developing excessive impulsivity at any age. Including:

Psychological comfort is very important for a baby from birth. Including the daily routine and consistent behavior of parents. If some relatives prohibit something, while others allow the same, the baby begins to feel discomfort. Irritation, anger and aggression appear as a response.

Situations often arise in which as soon as a child begins to aggressively express his demands, he is immediately allowed what he wants. In the minds, this behavior of adults reinforces a certain model. This means that everything can be achieved this way.

Other factors that can cause aggression include:

Punishments. If punishments inspire fear and cause pain so much that the restless person ceases to perceive their cause, then most often this leads to withdrawal, irritability and attacks.

However, aggressiveness can be formed in both an overly strict and an overly lenient environment. In a family where prohibitions are not taken seriously, the younger ones learn to get their way through aggressiveness. This pattern of behavior continues in the future. The older the child, the more difficult it is to correct this omission.

Although it cannot be said that exclusively watching programs containing elements of violence can lead to nervous behavior, the level of aggression from them definitely increases. This is worth considering when you trust phones, tablets and TVs. At a younger age, it is recommended to control the programs and games they watch.

Situational aggression - occurs in response to discomfort. For example, hunger or fatigue. The baby becomes irritable. Such anger goes away when basic needs are met.

Rarely does only one factor lead to nervous behavior in children. More often there is a combination of reasons. It is usually quite difficult to figure it out on your own. It is best to contact a professional psychologist who will give recommendations to the parents of an aggressive child and offer a way out.

Portrait of an aggressive child

Misha Smirnov is in first grade. He was really looking forward to the first of September, but over the course of several months of studying, his mood and behavior changed dramatically. He has almost no friends in class, because everyone knows: if the boy doesn’t like something, he can ruin the textbook, throw out his pencils, or even hit the offender. Meetings at which Misha is constantly reprimanded for his behavior do not help, nor does the advice of teachers who claim that a first-grader should be punished for evil deeds. Misha withdraws more and more into himself every day and does not tell his parents anything.

Psychologist's comment

Irina Malyaeva, child psychologist: “If a boy doesn’t want to say why he’s angry at everyone, you don’t need to pull him out of him with pincers. Most likely, “all the stars” have come together here: the crisis has lasted 7 years, high expectations have not been met, he is trying to withstand the stress and responsibility, but involuntarily pushes away friends and relatives, the circle closes. If this is not stopped, it will only get worse. First, you need to get the student talking - play special games with him, ask him to simulate the situation, and then gently explain how to behave in his condition.

What to do?

First of all, remember that such a baby needs understanding and consolation. This is his kind of cry for help. He drives himself into a cage and doesn’t know how to get out. He pushes you away and you feel like he's antisocial, even though he's desperately trying to get attention.

Aggressive behavior at different ages requires different actions. For example, in early childhood it is possible to simply ignore such manifestations, but at the same time be sure to praise the child for good deeds. This method shows that there are more effective methods of communication. Talking through feelings together with parents helps. This works especially well if aggression arises as a result of a misunderstanding of one’s emotions and, as a consequence, the inability to manage them. Older children can already be calmed down with a calm phrase. For example: “Adults don’t behave like that.”

If you see signs that aggression is beginning to accumulate in a child, and he is about to let it splash out, try to distract him.

Very often you may encounter the fact that in response to aggression from a first-grader, adults begin to demonstrate their superiority. This tactic never brings the desired results. On the contrary, it leads to an increase in the level of anger. The task of adults should be to create favorable conditions and explain options for behavior in difficult situations. Below we discuss in more detail methods to help cope with aggressive behavior.

It is necessary to be aware that holding back negative emotions can have unpleasant consequences for children's aggression. Anger and irritation accumulate in the psyche of any person. If these emotions are not given a timely outlet, they will most likely break out at the most inopportune moment and will be directed, perhaps, at those who are not at all to blame for this state.

There are a number of actions that experts advise using to give vent to aggression:

Use physical activity. For example, tear a piece of paper, beat a punching bag or a pillow. Active walks or exercise can also help reduce aggression.
Encourage your child to hide emotions somewhere. For example, screaming into a bag or box. This helps to splash out excess aggression, but only in a certain place.
One of the most important ways is to verbalize feelings and emotions. This exercise helps you learn to understand what he is experiencing. And gradually he will master other possible reactions. Recognizing anger is the most important step towards controlling it. But it is very important for parents to start. First, adults talk through their feelings. It is possible to show emotions, but not excessively. Then the parents start talking about feelings. Delicacy must be observed here. Saying, “I know how you feel,” can be irritating. Do not assert, but assume and ask. Your task is to provoke a dialogue.

In addition, you can introduce activities into your daily life that are quite calming. Pay special attention to:

Any form of water play has a calming effect. Even just sitting on the shore of a pond or next to an aquarium has a positive effect on your emotional state. Many games are easy to organize at home, even if you don't have access to a bathroom. An ordinary basin or bucket can turn into a home lake on which animals or boats can float. Pouring water from one container to another works great. There are many water-based experiments that your baby can do with you to help him get distracted and calm down.

You can combine physical activity with the therapeutic properties of water and go to the pool.

Bulk materials are easily susceptible to external influences. You can experiment with them and not worry about damage: everything can be easily restored. Even the most aggressive child will easily get involved in the game.

Creation

A great way to express emotions is through creativity. Children's drawings, for example, usually reflect their inner state. And based on the subject of the drawings or the colors used, you can roughly imagine whether the child has problems.

There is a psychological technique that is used when a child does not want to share the details of a conflict situation. Invite him to draw what happened. During the creative process, the way of thinking changes and, perhaps, it will be easier for the baby not only to describe the situation, but also to perceive parental instructions and advice.

In addition to drawing, modeling deserves special attention. Activities that focus on fine motor skills are known to have a calming effect.

For older children, you can offer written work. For example, write a story about your emotions. Spiritualize feelings and place them in some situation so that the child experiences the conflict detachedly.

Sometimes he just needs to build and break a tower of cubes. And this is his personal way of dealing with aggression.

In any case, creativity is well received by children. It's worth taking advantage of this to help them deal with their anger.

In rare cases, it is difficult to combat child aggression using these methods - especially if children suffer from autism, epilepsy, hyperactivity and other disorders. In this case, education and advice will not help; a deeper diagnosis of aggression in the child, examination and treatment is necessary. The causes and consequences of childhood aggression are not fully understood. Diagnostics can help resolve the problem as quickly as possible.

Alena is a regular expert on the PupsFull portal. She writes articles about psychology, education and learning and games for children.

Articles written

Sometimes the parents of a child who has started going to school or is just about to enter first grade are faced with the problem of attacks of aggression in their child. How to behave in this age crisis and what to do if he does not listen to his parents and teachers?

Causes

Aggression in children is a negative reaction to various actions or comments of others. If a child is not brought up correctly, this reaction can develop from a temporary one into a permanent one and become a trait of his character.

The sources of a child’s aggressive behavior can be somatic or brain diseases, as well as improper upbringing. Another reason for this behavior may be the age crisis.

At this time, children begin to recognize themselves as students, and this is a new role for them. This contributes to the emergence of a new psychological quality in the child - self-esteem.

Watch a video about the causes of crisis in children aged seven and methods for overcoming it.

Why doesn't he listen?

From now on, this is no longer a small baby, but a real adult who strives to become independent. At 6-7 years old, children lose their natural childishness, so they deliberately begin to make faces and behave unreasonably. The reason for this is that children begin to separate the inner “I” from external behavior. They are aware that their behavior can cause reactions from others. Unnatural behavior shows that this is just a child’s experiment, although because of such experiences of the baby, the parents are very worried and worried. Besides, It becomes difficult to put the child to bed or send him to wash, an unusual reaction appears:

neglect of requests;
thinking about why to do this;
negation;
contradictions and bickering.

During this period, children demonstrably violate parental prohibitions. They criticize any rules that they did not set themselves, and strive to take the position of adults. The existing principles are understood by the child as a childish image that needs to be overcome.

Why does a baby make croaking sounds?

There are times when children begin to make various sounds: croaking, mooing, chirping, and the like. This could just be a continuation of their experiments, but this time with sounds and words. If your child does not have speech problems, then there is no reason to worry. If there are any defects or stuttering, you should consult a doctor.

Express your approval of your child’s independent actions, allow him to be autonomous.
Try to become an adviser, not a prohibitor. Support in difficult moments.
Talk to your child about adult topics.
Find out his thoughts on an issue of interest, listen to him, this is much better than criticism.
Let your child express his opinion, and if he is wrong, then gently correct him.
Allow yourself to recognize his views and express agreement - nothing threatens your authority, and your offspring’s self-esteem will be strengthened.
Let your child know that he is valued by you, respected and understood that if he makes a mistake, you will always be there and provide help;
Show your child the possibility of achieving the goal. Praise him for his success.
Try to give answers to all the child’s questions. Even if the questions are repeated, repeat the answer patiently.

Classes for children 6-7 years old

Actions that show the child that there are other opportunities to get attention and show strength will help reduce a child's unstimulated aggression. To look like an adult, you don’t need to assert yourself at the expense of those who are weaker, or use bad words when irritated. The following methods for emotional release are recommended:

tear into pieces paper that you always need to have with you;
shout loudly in a special place;
play sports, run and jump;
knocking out rugs and pillows will be useful;
practice hitting the punching bag;
Playing with water helps a lot (contemplation of water and its inhabitants in aquariums, fishing, throwing stones into a pond, etc.)

How to find a common language?

During attacks of aggression in a child, parents need to be calm and restrained. You need to try to understand how your child feels. The most important thing is to love and understand your baby, give him more attention and time.

Unconditional love is the best way to combat aggression. Moms and dads know their children very well and are able to prevent unexpected outbursts of anger. Physical aggression is easier to curb than verbal aggression. At the moment of a surge of emotions, when the child pouts his lips, squints his eyes, or otherwise demonstrates his dissatisfaction, you need to try to redirect his attention to another object, activity, or simply hold him. If the aggression could not be stopped in time, it is necessary to convince the child that this should not be done, it is very bad.

How to deal with shyness?

Among other things, at the age of 7 years, children begin to pay attention to their appearance and clothes. They strive to look like adults. For the first time, the child critically evaluates his behavior. During this period, shyness can very easily develop; the child is not always able to adequately evaluate the opinions of others. An incorrect assessment of what is happening can frighten a child and make him afraid of attracting attention. It may be difficult to establish contacts. But sometimes children are just naturally shy.

How to help?

A shy child is more receptive; often those around him are unable to understand him. Moms and dads are encouraged to emphasize the good qualities of their children more often. In this way, you need to cultivate his self-confidence. Under no circumstances should you be angry with your child for his shyness. He may feel somehow flawed, different from the rest. This may have a bad effect on the development of his character. As an adult, a person will remember his childhood resentment. A child will not become brave and decisive from constant reproaches, but he is able to withdraw from it.