How to build normal relationships between parents and children. We establish relationships between adult children and parents - so that there are no offenses Relationships between parents and children

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Relationships between adult children and parents

Hi guys.
Today we’ll talk about the importance of the relationship between adult children and parents. Have you ever wondered at what point children become adults? Personally, it always seemed to me that this should happen immediately after graduating from school or college, but in reality a person becomes like this when he moves to live separately or begins to be fully responsible for his actions.

It is then that grown-up children and parents face serious problems, whose relationships may become slightly strained or cease altogether.

Why does everything happen this way? Are all people doomed to endless quarrels with their children when they become adults? Of course, this doesn't always happen. It is interesting that each person makes his own choice in how to solve such problems. Some people prefer to ignore the situation and pretend that the psychological problem does not exist. Others live in constant quarrels, which make mothers, fathers, and children equally unhappy.

Watch at least one episode of Honey, We're Killing Children. Families with terrible relationships. I sincerely hope that in most families things are not so bad.

It is wrong to put up with a problematic relationship, because you can resolve the issue before it is too late. In any case, parents are the closest and dearest people to us, and time, as we know, does not spare anyone.

What today seems like an irreconcilable disagreement will later become empty and completely unimportant. Should you miss the chance to get closer to your to a loved one?

If you agree that the relationship between parents and adult children should be filled with love and mutual understanding, we will try to understand the main reasons for the generation gap.

What do parents suffer from?

“We were hoping you would do as we want!”

If your mother dreamed of you becoming a doctor, but instead you chose the profession of an economist or lawyer, this may well cause a lot of controversy. It’s good to follow in your parents’ footsteps or realize what they always wanted, but only if you really want it yourself.

Parents need to understand that their lifestyle will not necessarily become yours. There is nothing judgmental about this. However, mom and dad need to explain that this or that decision was not made out of spite. Never forget that your life belongs to you and only you.

“We dreamed of being proud of you!”

Children will always be a source of pride for their parents, but sometimes they don't show it quite right. Sometimes it's stereotypes destroy harmony in a relationship. The fact is that each person has his own understanding of right and wrong actions, as well as standards of behavior. Bragging about the achievements of their children is more common for mothers, but fathers also arrange small competitions among themselves. In order to please your parents, you don’t have to become an Olympic champion or a billionaire. Sometimes it’s enough just to call on time, pick a bouquet of wild flowers or cook a delicious dinner.

“We hoped you would appreciate us more!”

Young and promising people who still have their whole lives ahead of them hardly have to think about how their parents feel. From an early age, mom and dad give everything they have to make the baby happy. When a child appears in a family, the rest of the world fades into the background. At one time, you became the meaning of your parents’ lives, so in return they expect at least care. Can you blame them for this?

Call them
To pay attention
Send a postcard
Give a gift

Show them you appreciate them. After all, they have invested so much love and care in you. The least you can do is show them that you still love them and grateful to them. Often recognizing how important another person is to you helps resolve many conflicts. If you're wondering what gift to give, I have a tip for the mother-daughter relationship. Many people will like these pendants for child-parent relationships . Any mother or daughter will be pleased to receive such a sign of attention.

The role of parents in the lives of adult children is no longer so noticeable, therefore they lack attention and love. Every person, sooner or later, flies out of his father's nest and forgets about his parents. Of course, you need to arrange your personal life and career, but the older generation simply needs your participation.

Spend time together family holidays, do not forget to call for no reason and just find out how you are doing. When there are difficult moments in life, we all, first of all, remember our parents. However, they need us constantly.

What do adult children suffer from?

“I don’t have time for my parents, I need to work and build my personal life!”

When you live together, it is mom and dad who take care of you, help you in everything and bother you with their care. Getting used to it, y'all take it for granted and this is a terrible mistake. What we have, we don’t keep, as they say. Only after you start living independently will you be able to understand how much love and care your parents put into every meeting you had. Who else will love you as sincerely and selflessly? In fact, it is not at all difficult to devote time to loved ones, you just need to want it.

“You constantly climb where you don’t need to!”

Such mistakes very often become the cause of serious problems and disagreements with the child. The whole point is that they are extremely It's hard to come to terms with the fact that you're growing up. It's no secret that for mom and dad you will always be a child. If their excessive interest in your work or personal life causes a lot of trouble and trouble, the problem needs to be solved. To explode for any reason and create scandals is so childish, to be honest. Surprise your loved ones try to talk about it calmly and explain your point of view without outbursts of emotion. Yes, they can be incorrigible, but at least try!

“I want to be myself, not who you imagine me to be!”

Many parents constantly want to make their child their own. In a family of successful lawyers, it is quite difficult to be a dancer or an artist. That is why, under the constant pressure of reproaches and discontent from the older generation, children feel extremely uncomfortable. Don't be afraid to open up! By hiding your true nature from your parents, you show your fears and insecurities. This is what gives them the power to control your consciousness. Psychology family relations will never be simple. Be yourself, because it will help you become a happy person. Loving parents will see the shining eyes of their child and will never stand in your way again.

What to do to improve the relationship between parents and children?

First of all, children need to be patient and understanding, because parents always rely on their rich life experience. It is very difficult to convince them. However, you must be persistent and firm in your decisions. Perhaps all their harmfulness was aimed at to develop a strong personality in you.

Remains very serious problem of showing feelings towards parents. Children think that they no longer need to talk about their love for mom and dad, that this is a self-evident fact. In fact, this can and should be talked about. Fathers and mothers need to respect their children and their choices. You don't want to lose the people you love most, do you?

Therefore, as soon as you finish reading this article, call or write to your children or parents and tell them how much you love them. There is no need to wait for some special moment. You have the power to make this moment special for them. This is how you can improve relationships between adult children and parents.

Mom, dad, my future children, I love you!

With love (and what else?),
June

The relationship between parents and children is a complex system of relationships, the subject of study of the psychology of parenting, the purpose of which is to determine the mechanisms for the development of connections between parents and children, the mutual influence of generations on each other, as well as the prevention of psychological problems of mutual understanding between parents and children. Difficulties in relationships between parents and children are the most common reason why families turn to psychologists. The modern institution of the family is experiencing a crisis. The instability of family relationships, the loss of the ability and desire to raise a child is properly determined by a number of external and internal factors. What factors influence the relationship between parents and children? What are the main mistakes that modern parents make that have a critical impact on the formation of the child’s personality?

Relationships between parents and children: general theoretical concepts and relationships

There is not a single psychological theory that allows us to build ideal relationships between parents and children due to the individual characters of each of the participants in the system, circumstances, external and internal factors. It is impossible to build ideal human relationships according to a certain model, but by studying the psychology of parenting, comprehending theoretical basis relationship between parents and children, many mistakes can be avoided.

Parenting is a manifestation of the parental instinct in a person of a behavioral, emotional and social nature. Conscious parenthood is based on the unconscious instinct of reproduction, as well as on social norms, according to which the family is the basic unit of society and is characterized by the union of a man and a woman, a common life, and the desire to give birth, raise and socialize children.

For a child, the family is the main habitat, development and psychological formation. It is in the family during early childhood that the child comprehends the basic models of social relationships (including the relationship between parents and children, as exemplified by the relationship between parents and the older generation). Childhood is the main period of human development, when he learns to understand the world, comprehends the basic mechanisms of cognition, the foundations of relationships between people. Psychologists believe that it is in childhood that the basic skills and abilities, the psychological qualities of a person’s character, are laid down, which he only develops throughout his subsequent life.

The institution of family is extremely important for a child, since the period of childhood is characterized by partial isolation from society. For a child, parents are the main source of understanding human relationships.

The development of a child’s personality is influenced not only by the relationship of his parents to the child himself, but also by the relationship of parents with each other. So, if a child receives enough attention from his father and mother, both parents take an equally active part in his upbringing, the child is surrounded by care and love, but tense relationships arise between the parents themselves, then this situation will be reflected in the child’s future life.

The family atmosphere can influence a child in two ways: his personal development(psychological problems, internal contradictions, complexes, fears), the formation of his relationships in society (gravitation towards loneliness in order to avoid relationship problems). This influence can manifest itself both in early childhood (preschool, school age), and more mature age at the time of creating your own family or consciously refusing to create your own family. It is impossible to accurately predict at what stage of a child’s development the effect of the unhealthy family atmosphere in which the child grew up and was raised will manifest itself. However, it can be unequivocally stated that an unhealthy family atmosphere and difficult relationships between parents and children will be reflected in the future life of the child.

It is false to believe that a child does not perceive the relationships of adults, that he is not given the opportunity to understand most of the problems of adult life. As a rule, a child is more susceptible not to situations, conflicts, objects, circumstances, but to the emotional background that accompanies this or that situation in his life.

It should be understood that a child is a kind of imitator; he adopts the basics of his character, behavior, and attitude towards people from his parents, moreover, beginning to comprehend the basics of relationships from infancy (tone of voice in conversation with certain family members, clear patterns of behavior in certain situations ). As a result, by adulthood, when the child exhibits his first personality traits, parents are faced with nothing more than the quintessence of their own character traits, manners and styles of behavior.

Relationships between parents and children: the main mistakes of generations

The relationship between parents and children is largely determined by external factors, which include material well-being, living conditions, social status families. The internal factors that determine the relationship between parents and children include the culture and upbringing of parents, spirituality and morality, awareness of the spiritual value of family, marriage, and relationships between loved ones. The relationship between parents and children is largely determined by the family’s lifestyle, well-being and prosperity, a sense of calm and confidence, security of each family member, his desire to support and develop the family.

In many ways, the relationships between generations are determined by the mutual understanding of parents and children, which should be based on loyalty and tolerance to the needs of one’s neighbor. The main mistakes made by adults in relationships between parents and children boil down to the fact that in most cases parents transfer grievances, contradictions, and conflicts that they experienced during their childhood into new family relationships. Using the experience of past relationships and generations is not a contraindication to building new connections, but in most situations, psychologists are faced with the problem of unconsciously copying the behavior patterns of their parents, repeating their mistakes, which affects the freedom of each participant in the relationship, infringement of his interests, and the formation of a deliberately unhealthy attitude towards family institute for children.

Parents and children: psychology of relationships in practice

How to build right relationship The psychology of relationships will not tell parents and children, but this science will allow us to study the main mistakes of generations and avoid them in practice. The basic rule that parents need to understand relates to the individuality of each situation and each participant in family relationships, which allows us to assert that blindly following generally accepted models of behavior in the formation of relationships and mutual understanding between parents and children can not only be ineffective in a particular case, but also significantly aggravate situation. In the matter of parents and children, relationship psychology offers only individual approach, which takes into account the interests of all parties.

Video from YouTube on the topic of the article:

“Today’s youth are accustomed to luxury, they have bad manners, despise authority, do not respect elders, children argue with adults, greedily swallow food, and harass teachers.”
Socrates, 5th century BC.

The problem of fathers and sons, the relationship between generations, has existed since the birth of humanity. It is not possible to completely resolve it. But it is possible to try to change some private aspects of relationships within an individual family.

The essence of any relationship can perhaps be seen as understanding the other person, his values and goals. And the relationship between parents and children will be no exception. Parents often forget that they, as adults, are more capable of understanding. In addition, the problem is that the normalization of relationships with a child is largely solved by the relationships between adults. After all, it is impossible to create a normal relationship with a child if there is misunderstanding and negativity in the relationship between parents in the family. It is very important that the family knows how to listen, resolve conflict situations peacefully, respect and support each other.

Quite often, parents seek help in improving their relationships with their children. Where do problems in communicating with children most often begin? Parents, as a rule, strive to impose on their child their understanding and a certain line of behavior in accordance with their ideals. In this case, the individuality of the child is completely ignored. Such an educational policy cannot lead to desired result, rather the opposite.

In addition to the desire to impose their vision on the child, parents make other educational mistakes that lead to problematic relationships.

Excessive demands. Too much expectation is placed on the child. In this case, the child has a fear of not living up to expectations, of not coping and of losing. parental love. Anxiety and depression appear.
Excessive concern. The desire to surround the child with constant attention, to protect and protect him from all sorts of imaginary and not so dangers. Parents strive to keep the child close to them, watching his every step. The child grows up infantile, incapable of making independent decisions.
Lack of control. The opposite behavior excessive care. With this position, parents may not know at all where and with whom their child spends time, or what he does. It is very difficult to predict what such upbringing (or rather its complete absence) will lead to. Most likely, it won't do any good.
Lack of support. Support and understanding of hobbies and aspirations from parents is very important for a child, especially during adolescence. Even if adults don’t really like the child’s hobbies, it is important to understand what exactly he finds in it. Otherwise, the child withdraws into himself.

Many parents strive to ensure that their children are like them and love the same things they do. But we must not forget that every person and child strives to a greater extent for freedom. The child strives to find his own individuality, to be independent from parental settings. And if a child is not afraid to express his opinion, then with a 99% probability this will lead to conflict and misunderstanding. Therefore, the only question is whether the parents will be able to treat the child’s position with understanding and convince him of the error without pressure.

The relationship between parents and children is built on understanding, first of all, the parents’ understanding of the child’s inner world; the ability to be flexible and patient in difficult or conflict situations.

Reading time: 8 minutes.

Anyone who grew up in a family can confirm from personal example that the relationship between parents and children is complex and contradictory. There is practically no peace in them. First, caring for a baby with no parenting experience, then school problems, explosive adolescence, love and a son or daughter’s search for a soul mate, study and employment, separation from parents and creating their own family...

All these factors often strain relationships with the child and indicate the need for a flexible approach to communicating with him. Each previous milestone overlaps with the next and determines the future success of interaction between generations. What should be the attitude towards children in order to achieve mutual trust, respect, support and care?

Relationships instead of parenting

It just so happens that when we hear the word “parent”, many of us have a certain feeling in our minds. strict image and phrases: “You can’t”, “You must”, “Do this...”, “You must”, “Don’t...” (various prohibitions), etc. And we often put this image into our relationship with the child, setting the main goal to do it properly educate him.

What mistakes do we make in pursuit of restrictions and prohibitions?

Educate according to the “We must” principle. It’s sad when the relationship between parents and children turns into a certain set of rules in which there is no place for feelings, desires and dreams.
Constantly say: “Listen”, “Do you understand me?” etc. and absolutely not encourage your child to communicate, express themselves and take initiative (for example, with phrases: “Tell me...”, “Try it,” “Do you want...”). There should be full interaction, and not a one-sided game.
Seek authority from a child by causing fear in him. The common statement: “Fearing means respecting” does not work in family relationships between children and parents. After all, the following phenomenon often occurs: in the presence of parents, the child carries out all their instructions and instructions, and if they are not around, he can behave in the opposite way.
Do not take into account the individual characteristics of children, rely solely on “authoritative” sources (opinions, other people’s examples, books, articles).
Compare with other children. Never do this to either a baby or an adult child. Instead of following the “ideal” that is set as an example, he may develop an inferiority complex. Often there is also resentment towards parents and a desire to do everything contrary.
“Breaking” a child. Unfortunately, some parents try to harshly eradicate undesirable character traits and habits, completely subjugate him to their will, force him to fulfill all their demands without listening to any explanations. Yes, many children, under the influence of fear, will follow all instructions and obey unquestioningly. But in this case it is difficult to talk about trust in parents on their part. And quite often, having become adults, they quickly try to create their own family in order to finally break out from under parental authority and the veil of misunderstanding.
Many people do not consider it necessary (and worst of all, even harmful) to tell their child about their feelings. But it is precisely on feelings that the close connection between parents and children is based. Healthy attachments are formed in early childhood based on the love and care that should be provided parental attitude to the child. But even as adults, children are always pleased to hear that mom and dad love them, trust them and rejoice at their successes and achievements.

Of course, no one has canceled the education process, and there should always be certain prohibitions and restrictions. After all, parents still set the rules. But it is important to remember the following:

You always need to explain why you (as a parent) think this way and why this should be done. A simple order: “You must do this!” or “Because I said so!” Such phrases will only increase children’s resistance and desire to defend themselves.
The more restrictions parents create for a child at an older age, the weaker the connection between them and the less trusting the relationship. The presence of prohibitions usually indicates insufficiently close contact and understanding between generations.

How to improve your relationship with your child?

Be in love! Love has never hurt anyone. Connivance and indifference - yes, they have a detrimental effect. But true love always useful and favorable for the development and maintenance of warm relationships between parents and children.
Be able to constructively resist the child’s rudeness and aggression, that is, do not immediately respond to conflict (do not create a “wall-to-wall” situation), do not use physical punishment, but be able to recognize in time the child’s serious feelings behind such attacks. If you can recognize them, then it will be much easier to understand your child and establish contact with him.
More often tell your child phrases that reflect his capabilities. “You can”, “You can do it”, “You can do it.” “I can” is the position of an adult who is aware of his strengths, abilities and capabilities. By using such phrases, you instill in your child independence and the ability to adequately evaluate himself, and also demonstrate your faith in his personality.
Instead of direct instructions, it is better to use more friendly phrases. That is, take a position of cooperation. For example: “Let’s tidy up our things,” “Try again.”
Develop your listening skills so you can better understand your children.
At any age, it is important to see a person as a child. You can't underestimate him. Children develop faster than us and master many more skills. This is already worthy of praise!
Remember yourself more often at the age your children are now. You will probably feel similar desires and feelings to them.
Be sincerely interested in your child's life. Ask questions and pay attention when you listen to him. This should not feel like an interrogation or casual communication. This principle must be observed at all times. Formulate open-ended questions; they stimulate communication. For example: “How was your day?” or “What are you planning to do this weekend?”
Don't compare your child with other children. Only comparisons with your former self are useful. For example: “Remember yourself six months ago. You couldn’t do it then... but now you’re doing great!”
Tell us about yourself, give examples from your personal life and your childhood, share your memories and emotions. This will help establish a more trusting relationship with the child.
Make sure that your family has traditions that need to be observed. They should be aimed at some joint activities. For example, everyone should have dinner together. Or some holiday is always celebrated by the whole family at home. Or on some specific day of the year you spend leisure time together (attend an event or have a picnic in nature).

Create conditions for your child to trust you, love him and let him love you, and then he will be eager to thank you and want to go where you direct him.

How to improve relationships with adult children?

The most important rules– less criticism and more trust in your son or daughter. The more friendly relations between parents and adult children are preserved, the stronger the connection and the desire to meet more often and visit each other.
The same applies to the attitude towards the families of their children and their way of life. If you try to set your own rules, they will obviously not accept it with a bang; on the contrary, unnecessary dissatisfaction and irritation will likely arise. You can only carefully give recommendations or show how best to do it. But the choice will still remain with the children.
Honestly admit to yourself whether you consider children as property, whether you were able to let them go. It is important to track your position in time and, if possible, adjust it. Sooner or later, the child will want to separate from you and start his own family. It is important to be able to give him enough freedom and let him go in time.
Let children be who they are, accept them as they are and let them understand this. This is an important principle for maintaining harmonious relationships between parents and their adult children.
Don't be shy about asking your children for advice, especially in areas where they are clearly superior to you. For example, if you need to choose something from household or digital appliances, understand the functions mobile phone or install a new program on your computer. But sometimes children can become experts in areas that you might think are completely unexpected. Even teenage children can often give the right advice, for example, on the question of what to give a friend for her birthday, or what job to choose.
Realistically assess how much children need your help. Balance is important in this matter. They, of course, should feel your support, but at the same time remain independent and decisive in personal, family and household matters.
Don’t say phrases like: “You didn’t live up to my hopes,” “You’re not acting as you were taught,” “You’re doing it to spite me!” Instead, ask sincerely: “Are you happy?”, “Do you like what you do?”

Summarizing the above, we can note several key points that contribute to the establishment of harmonious and trust relationships between children and parents:

flexible approach to education, accounting individual characteristics and the child’s abilities, a combination of care, gentleness and severity depending on different situations;
encouraging the child’s initiative and independence;
gaining authority not through force and fear, but through the ability to interest, find an approach to the child, become a friend and mentor for him;
sincerity, encouraging the expression of feelings;
the ability to listen and support in difficult situations.

Remember that we always grow and develop together with our children. It is only important to allow yourself to do this and open up to new energy and new experiences. Children are an extension of us. Let them be a continuation of all the best that is in us, that which we love and develop in ourselves.