Conflicts in the family, constructive methods for resolving them. Conflicts in the family

NOU VPO Moscow Institute of Law

By discipline

"Russian language and culture of speech"

“Conflict situations between children and parents and ways to resolve them”

Performed

correspondence student

Faculty of Law

groups 07У1011-3КЛ

Yu.V. Nikitina

Supervisor

N. I. Romanova

Moscow 2011

Introduction

To speak and write, observing the norms of the literary language, means to speak and write correctly. Knowledge of norms and the ability to speak and write correctly constitute a culture of speech. The culture of speech is part of the general culture of a person. Speech culture is not only the correctness of speech, but also the ability to choose the most accurate and necessary linguistic means for expressing thoughts. The quality, accuracy and clarity of expression of thought indicate the degree of professional training and the richness of a person’s general culture.

In a conflict situation, the most difficult thing for any person is to maintain his cultural face and not lose his nobility and purity of speech. A literate and cultured person is simply obliged to have at least a general understanding of the structure of conflict situations and ways to resolve them.

Since conflicts arise in all areas of our lives and their range is very wide, there is a branch of psychology - conflictology. This section of psychology studies various conflict situations, looks for solutions to problems, ways out of these situations, studies the process from beginning to end in order to find out what to do in a particular place of conflict, how to direct the situation in the right direction with maximum benefit and benefit .

Therefore, in our work we will consider various conflict situations between parents and children and propose ways to resolve them.

Chapter 1: The Heart of the Conflict

Civil life cannot exist without conflicts, ideas, life positions, goals, both of individuals and groups. Usually, conflict in the social and labor sphere is perceived as not a normal phenomenon: a failure in work, an obstacle to achieving a goal. The negative perception of conflict is completely justified, as conflict carries enormous destructive power. But on the other hand, the absence of conflicts indicates stagnation, a lack of development.

Conflicts are a completely unexplored object of knowledge, which is inherently inexhaustible. IN Everyday life the word "conflict" is used to a large number phenomena from armed clashes to family quarrels. Human life is controversial, in which every day each individual asserts and defines himself in different ways in the process of conflict interaction. It is impossible to completely avoid conflicts and their consequences, which is why there is a need to become familiar with their essence, dynamics, experience in solving, forecasting and warning.

Conflict is a relationship between subjects social interaction, which are characterized by confrontation for the presence of opposing motives (needs, interests, goals, ideals, beliefs) or judgments (opinions, views, assessments, etc.).

To clarify the essence of the conflict, it is important to highlight its main features and formulate the conditions for its occurrence. Conflict always arises on the basis of opposing motives and judgments, which can be considered a necessary condition for a conflict to arise.

Conflict is always characterized by confrontation between subjects of social interaction, which manifests itself through mutual damage (moral, material, physical, psychological, etc.). Necessary and sufficient conditions for the emergence of a conflict are the presence of oppositely directed motives and judgments among the subjects of social interaction, as well as a state of confrontation between them. Any conflict can be viewed statically (as a system of interconnected structural elements) and dynamically (as a process).

The main structural elements of a conflict are the parties to the conflict; subject of conflict; image of a conflict situation; motives for the conflict; positions of the conflicting parties.

The subject of the conflict is an objectively existing or apparent problem that causes confrontation between the parties (the problem of power, relationships, primacy of employees, their compatibility, etc.). This is precisely the inconsistency that causes conflict.

The reflection of the subject of the conflict in the minds of the subjects of conflict interaction determines the image of the subject of the conflict. The motives of the conflict, as internal driving forces, push the subjects of social interaction towards conflict. Motives manifest themselves in the form of needs, interests, goals, beliefs.

The positions of the conflicting parties are what they declare to each other during the conflict or in the negotiation process.

Example: Distribution of any resource (benefits). If rules for this distribution are developed that all participants agree with, then neither a problem nor a conflict will arise. If there are no rules, or at least one of the participants does not agree with them, then the problem arises of how exactly to distribute. If this problem is not resolved, a conflict develops, the subject of which is the lack of rules for relationships during distribution.

Conflict arises only where two or more subjects not only recognize differences in interests, but also actively oppose each other.

Objectively, there is a discrepancy between goals and interests, taken in itself, as well as the awareness of such a contrast by individuals (or groups), does not yet create real conditions for the development of a conflict. A prerequisite for the development of a conflict is the creation in social system(production team, family, etc.) the development of potential tension into real, i.e. openly manifested tension, which materializes in social expectations, positions of individuals (or groups), in their specific social actions, means that a subject of conflict action has been formed and is capable of initiating a conflict situation.

Differences in people's views, discrepancies in perceptions and assessments of certain events very often lead to a controversial situation. If the current situation presents an obstacle to the achievement of the goal of at least one of the participants in the interaction, then a conflict situation arises. Any conflict is preceded by controversial situation, however, not every controversial situation leads to conflict.

In order for an existing contradiction to develop into a conflict situation, it is necessary: ​​the significance of the situation for the participants in the conflict interaction; an obstacle on the part of one of the participants to the achievement of goals by his opponent (even if this is subjective, far from reality, the perception of one of the participants); exceeding the level of personal or group tolerance and having obstacles on at least one of the parties. A conflict situation necessarily involves conflicting positions of the parties on any issue, a desire for contrary goals, usage various means to achieve them, divergence of interests, desires, etc. For example, conducting certification before future staff reductions, determining candidacy for prestigious advanced training.

A conflict situation is a condition for the occurrence of conflict. For such a situation to escalate into a conflict, an external influence, push or incident is necessary. An incident (cause) characterizes the intensification of actions by one of the parties, which affects, even unintentionally, the interests of the other party. The actions of a third party can also act as an incident. For example: comments from a colleague when you had a difficult conversation with management.

An incident may occur accidentally, regardless of the wishes of the participants, due to objective reasons (release of defective products) or as a result of illiterate interaction (without taking into account psychological characteristics other side).

Conflict situations, which exist in significant numbers, turn into conflict only if the balance of interests of the participants in the interaction is upset and under certain conditions.

Chapter 2: Conflict situations between children and parents

Conflicts in the family are inevitable even with the most good relations, the point is not at all to avoid them or try to hush them up, but to resolve them correctly.

First, let's look at how and why conflicts arise between parents and children.

Let's take one of the typical examples: The family sits down in front of the TV in the evening, but everyone wants to watch their own thing. For example, the son is an avid fan, and he expects to watch the broadcast of a football match. Mom is in the mood for the next episode of a foreign film. An argument breaks out: Mom can’t miss the episode, she “has been waiting all day”; the son just can’t refuse the match: “he’s been waiting for it even longer!”

Another example: Mom is in a hurry to finish preparations for receiving guests. Suddenly it turns out that there is no bread in the house. She asks her daughter to go to the store. But that one is about to start sports section, and she doesn't want to be late. The mother asks to “get into her position”, the daughter does the same. One insists, the other does not yield. Passions are heating up...

Obviously, the issue is a clash of interests between the parent and the child. Note that in such cases, satisfying the desires of one party means infringing on the interests of the other and causes strong negative feelings: irritation, resentment, anger, i.e. with such a clash of interests, a problem arises for both the parent and the child.

What to do in such cases? Parents solve this problem in different ways. Some say: “There is no need to lead to conflicts at all.” Perhaps the intention is good, but no one is immune from the fact that our and our child’s desires will one day diverge.

When contradictions begin, some parents see no other way out but to insist on their own, while others, on the contrary, believe that it is better to give in while maintaining peace. And so two unconstructive ways of resolving conflicts appear, which are collectively known as “one wins.” Let's see how this happens in life.

The first unconstructive way to resolve conflicts is: “The parent wins.” For example, in the event of a conflict at the TV, the mother, in irritation, may say:

It's okay, you can wait with your football. Just try switching again!

And in the second situation with bread, the mother’s words may sound like this:

But still you will go and buy bread! And your section is not going anywhere. What is it, you will never be questioned?!

How do children respond to this? Let us remind you that they are also emotionally charged, and the mother’s phrases contain orders, accusations, and threats. This will most likely increase the level of emotional stress even more.

This is your stupid movie!

No I'm not going! I won’t go - that’s all, and you won’t do anything to me!

Parents who are inclined to use this method believe that it is necessary to defeat the child and break his resistance. If you give him free rein, he will “sit on your neck”, “will do what he wants.”

Without noticing it themselves, they show children a dubious example of behavior: “always achieve what you want, regardless of the desires of others.” And children are very sensitive to the manners of their parents and imitate them from early childhood. So in families where authoritarian, forceful methods are used, children quickly learn to do the same. They, as it were, return the lesson they taught to the adults, and then “the scythe lands on the stone.”

There is another version of this method: gently but persistently demand that the child fulfill his desire. This is often accompanied by explanations with which the child eventually agrees. However, if such pressure is a constant tactic of parents, with the help of which they always achieve their goal, then the child learns another rule: “My personal interests (desires, needs) do not count, I still have to do what my parents want or demand.” In some families this continues for years, and the children are constantly defeated. As a rule, they grow up either aggressive or overly passive. But in both cases, they accumulate anger and resentment; their relationship with their parents cannot be called close and trusting.

The second unconstructive way of resolving conflicts: “Only the child wins.” This path is followed by parents who are either afraid of conflicts (“peace at any cost”), or are ready to constantly sacrifice themselves “for the good of the child,” or both. In these cases, children grow up as egoists, not accustomed to order, and unable to organize themselves. All this may not be so noticeable within the limits of family “general compliance,” but as soon as they leave the doors of the house and join in some common cause, they begin to experience great difficulties. At school, at work, in any company, no one wants to indulge them anymore. With their high demands on others and their inability to meet others halfway, they remain alone and often face ridicule and rejection.

In such a family, the parents accumulate deep dissatisfaction own child and your destiny. In old age, such “eternally compliant” adults often find themselves lonely and abandoned. And only then does insight come: they cannot forgive themselves for their softness and unrequited dedication.

Thus, improperly resolved family conflicts, large and small, inevitably give an “accumulation effect.” And under its influence, character traits are formed, which then turn into the fate of children and parents. Therefore, it is very important to carefully consider every conflict of interest between you and your child.

What is the path to a successful exit from the conflict? It turns out that it is possible to conduct a case in such a way that neither side loses, Furthermore it can be said that both sides will benefit. Let's consider this method in more detail. It is based on two communication skills:

.“active listening” - actively listening to a child means “returning” to him in a conversation what he told you, while indicating his feeling (for example: a daughter is capricious: “I won’t wear this ugly hat!” Mom “actively listens”: "You don't like her very much." This method does not leave the child “alone with his experience”; it shows that the parent has understood the child’s internal situation and is ready to hear more about it and accept it.

.“I-message” is when you talk about your feelings to a child, speak in the first person, report about yourself, about your experience, and not about the child and his behavior (for example: “I don’t like it when children walk around disheveled, and I I’m embarrassed by the looks of my neighbors” or “It’s hard for me to get ready for work when someone is crawling under my feet, and I keep tripping”).

So, what is a constructive way to resolve conflicts: “Both parties win: both parent and child”? The method itself involves several successive steps and stages. First, we will list them, and then we will analyze each separately.

Clarification of the conflict situation.

Collection of proposals.

Evaluating proposals and selecting the most acceptable one.

Details of the solution.

Execution of the decision; examination.

.Clarification of the conflict situation

First, the parent listens to the child. Clarifies what his problem is, namely, what he wants, what he needs or is important, what makes it difficult for him, etc. This is done in the style of active listening, that is, he necessarily voices the child’s desire, need or difficulty. After this, he talks about his desire or problem using the form of “I-message”:

Mom: Helen, please run for bread. The guests are coming now, but I still have a lot to do.

Mom: You have a class and you don’t want to be late (active listening).

Daughter: Yes, you see, we start with a warm-up, and we can’t skip it...

Mom: You can’t be late...(active listening). And I have such a difficult situation... Guests are about to arrive, but there is no bread! (“I-message”) What should we do? (Go to the second step.)

You need to start by listening to the child. Once he has made sure that we hear his problem, he will be much more willing to hear ours and also engage in finding a joint solution. Often, as soon as the adult begins to actively listen to the child, the severity of the brewing conflict subsides. What initially seemed like “mere stubbornness” begins to be perceived by the parent as a problem worthy of attention. And then there is a willingness to meet the child halfway.

After listening to the child, you need to tell him about your desire or problem. It is no less important for a child to learn more and more accurately about the parent’s experience than for a parent to learn about his. It is worth making sure that the statement is in the form of an “I-message” and not a “You-message”. (For example: “It’s hard for me to walk so fast,” instead of: “You’ve completely pushed me.”)

Sending an accurate “I-message” in a conflict situation is also important for another reason: the adult has to think about what exactly his need is infringed by the actions or desires of the child. After all, very often parents resort to prohibitions without thinking: “You can’t do that!” And if the child begins to wonder why it’s not possible, then they add: “We don’t have to report to you.” What if you try to account, at least to yourself? Then it may turn out that behind this “you can’t” there is nothing more than the desire to assert your power or support your parental authority. So, let's come to the second step.

.Collection of proposals

This stage begins with the question: “What should we do?”, “What should we come up with?” or “What should we do?” After this, you must wait, give the child the opportunity to be the first to offer a solution (or solutions), and only then offer his own options. At the same time, not a single proposal, even the most inappropriate, from the point of view of an adult, is rejected out of hand. At first, sentences are simply typed.

Example from life:

“Returning from work, my mother found her twelve-year-old son Petya with his friend Misha: the boys were doing homework together. They began to beg their mother to allow them to watch a very interesting television program that started at 11 o’clock. Misha's parents allowed him to stay overnight as a guest.

However, my mother was very tired and was planning to go to bed at 10 o'clock. The TV was in her room. In addition, the children should not violate the regime so much when they go to school in the morning.

What should I do?

Mom decided to use a constructive way to resolve the conflict situation. After listening carefully to the guys and sharing her concerns, she asked: “What should we do?” The guys suggested several options:

Ask Misha's parents for permission to watch the program from him.

Watch the program together, and then Misha go home.

Mom and Petya should switch rooms: then the guys will be able to watch the program without disturbing her.

Play together until 11 o'clock and then go to bed; Misha stays as a guest.

Mom's suggestions were:

The guys play until 10 o'clock and then everyone goes to bed.

The guys go to spend the night with Misha.

Everyone spends the night at home.

The guys go to bed at 10 o'clock, but mom allows them to read.

It is worth noting that some of the children’s proposals (for example, the second one) may have seemed inappropriate to the mother from the very beginning, but she resisted the temptation to immediately say so.

When the collection of proposals is completed, the next step is taken.

.Third step. Evaluating proposals and choosing the most acceptable one

At this stage, a joint discussion of proposals takes place. By this time, the “parties” already know each other’s interests, and the previous steps help create an atmosphere of mutual respect.

In the example with the boys and mother, this stage went like this:

Misha's parents were against it, and the proposal was dropped by itself.

Not good, because mom ends up losing.

Mom is not very comfortable: she is used to sleeping in her place. In addition, she usually reads at night, and there is no night light in Petya’s room; the overhead light would give her a headache. Along the way, Petya notices to Misha that sitting late watching TV will make him “fall asleep again.”

Mom doesn't mind. Petya develops the idea: “Let’s take a receiver and a construction set with us into the room.” Misha: “We’ll build a garage and a super high-speed road. Shall we take headphones?

Doesn't suit the guys.

Misha calls his parents for advice, but his mother does not allow him to stay up late.

The guys are not satisfied: “We want to be together.”

Guys: “You can, of course, but it would be better not to read, but to play in Petya’s room.”

Ultimately, proposal 4 is chosen.

If several people are involved in choosing the best decision - as was the case in this case - then the one that is accepted unanimously is considered the best.

Note that this was my mother’s first attempt to use a constructive method of conflict resolution, and she did it quite successfully.

Let’s not judge the correctness of this decision: the important thing is that it seemed quite acceptable to both the mother and the children in that situation. For us, it is much more important to pay attention to the process that led to this decision and highlight several positive aspects in it.

Firstly, we see that every participant was listened to. Secondly, each understood the position of the other. Thirdly, there was no irritation or resentment between the “parties”; on the contrary, the atmosphere has been preserved friendly relations. Fourthly, the children had the opportunity to realize their true desires; for example, it turned out that it was important for them not so much to watch TV as to spend the evening together. Finally, the last thing: the guys learned a wonderful lesson on how to solve “difficult” issues together.

The practice of parents shows that when such situations are repeated, peaceful resolution of disputes becomes commonplace for children.

.Fourth step: detailing decision taken

Suppose the family decided that their son is already old, and it’s time for him to get up on his own, have breakfast and go to school. This will free mom from early worries and give her the opportunity to get enough sleep.

However, one solution is not enough. You need to teach your child how to use an alarm clock, show where what food is, how to heat up breakfast, etc.

.Fifth step: implementation of the solution, verification.

Let's take this example: the family decided to relieve the mother's workload and divide household chores more evenly. Having gone through all the stages, we came to a certain decision.

Suppose the eldest son had the following responsibilities: taking out the trash, washing dishes in the evenings, buying bread and taking his younger brother to the garden. If the boy did not do all this regularly before, then at first there may be breakdowns.

You shouldn’t blame him for every failure. It's better to wait a few days. At a convenient moment, when he and you have time and no one is annoyed, you can ask: “So, how are things going with you? Is it working? Better; if the child himself speaks about failures. There may be too many of them. Then it’s worth clarifying what, in his opinion, is the reason. Maybe something was not taken into account, or some help is needed; or he would prefer another, “more responsible” assignment.

I note that this method does not leave anyone with a feeling of losing. On the contrary, it invites cooperation from the very beginning, and in the end everyone wins.

conflict situation parents children

Conclusion

In recent decades, psychologists have made a number of remarkable discoveries. One of them is about the importance of communication style with a child for the development of his personality.

It has now become an indisputable truth that communication is as necessary for a child as food. A baby who receives adequate nutrition and good medical care, but is deprived of constant contact with an adult, develops poorly not only mentally, but also physically: he does not grow, loses weight, and loses interest in life. An analysis of numerous cases of infant death in orphanages conducted in America and Europe after the First World War - cases inexplicable from a medical point of view alone - led scientists to the conclusion: the reason is the unmet need of children for psychological contact, that is, for care, attention , care from a close adult,

This conclusion made a huge impression on specialists all over the world: doctors, teachers, psychologists. Communication problems have begun to attract even more attention from scientists. If we continue the comparison with food, we can say that communication can be not only healthy, but also harmful. Bad food poisons the body; incorrect communication “poisons” the child’s psyche and puts him at risk psychological health, emotional well-being, and subsequently, of course, his fate.

“Problem”, “difficult”, “disobedient” and “impossible” children, just like children “with complexes”, “downtrodden” or “unhappy” are always the result of incorrect relationships in the family. And the consequences are “problematic”, “difficult”, “disobedient”, “impossible” adults with their “complexes”, “downtrodden” and “unhappy”...

The world practice of psychological assistance to children and their parents has shown that even very difficult problems of upbringing are completely solvable if it is possible to restore a favorable style of communication in the family. The main features of this style were determined as a result of the enormous work of humanistic psychologists, theorists and practitioners. One of the founders of humanistic psychology, the famous American psychologist Carl Rogers, called it “personally centered,” that is, putting the personality of the person with whom you are currently communicating at the center of attention.

The humanistic approach to man and human relationships formed the ideological basis of this book. He opposes the authoritarian style of parenting that for a long time existed in our schools and families. Humanism in education is based, first of all, on understanding the child - his needs and requirements, on knowledge of the patterns of his growth and development of his personality.

Another very important pattern discovered by practical psychologists. It turns out that most of those parents who seek psychological help regarding difficult children themselves suffered from conflicts with children in childhood. own parents. Experts have come to the conclusion that the style of parental interaction is involuntarily “recorded” (imprinted) in the child’s psyche. This happens very early, even in preschool age, and, as a rule, unconsciously.

Having become an adult, a person reproduces it as natural. Thus, from generation to generation there is a social inheritance of communication style: most parents raise their children the way they themselves were raised in childhood.

“No one bothered with me, and nothing, he grew up,” says dad, not noticing that he grew up - then he is just a person who does not consider it necessary and does not know how to deal with his son, to establish warm friendly relations with him.

Another part of the parents, more or less, realizes what exactly this is proper upbringing, but experiences difficulties in practice. It happens that theoretical explanatory work carried out by psychologists and teachers with the best intentions brings harm to parents: they learn that they are doing “everything wrong”, try to behave in a new way, quickly “break down”, lose confidence in their abilities, blame and They brand themselves, or even take their irritation out on their children.

Even when buying washing machine a person reads the instructions for it, but when giving birth to a child, not every parent tries to find “instructions” for him. Parents need to not only be educated, but also taught how to properly communicate with their children.

Raising a cultural, educated and mentally and physically healthy generation is our duty to society.

List of used literature

Yu.B. Gippenreiter (Professor at Moscow State University). How to communicate with a child? M., 2005

IN AND. Maksimova. Russian language and culture of speech. M., 2007

T.A. Florenskaya. Dialogues about education and health. M., 2001.

Maria Romantsova

The topic of family conflicts is addressed by Maria Romantsova, a family psychologist and gestalt therapist.

Conflicts in the family arise for a variety of reasons - from small everyday trifles to serious disagreements. And their manifestations are also very different - from loud screams to long silence.

Conflicts are an integral part of our lives. If they exist, it means that people are not indifferent to each other, and relationships are developing. To understand how to properly resolve conflicts, you need to know what their causes are and how they develop.

Conflict always has a reason

Every conflict situation has a meaning and a reason for its occurrence. It is this information that is important to understand and resolve.

As a rule, conflicts arise due to someone's unmet needs.

It doesn’t matter what the need is - emotional, physiological, personal. It is important that an unsatisfied need causes great tension, and satisfaction cannot be experienced. No person can live in tension for long - so he begins to look for a way out.

Example from practice. An 8-year-old child had severe food allergies, so the parents tried to strictly control their diet and buy only suitable foods. One day a mother and child went to the store.

While the woman was walking around and choosing what to buy for lunch, the child ran up to the shelves at the cash register and grabbed chocolate egg and ate it.

A security guard noticed him and called the store administrator. Over the speakerphone, my mother was invited to the administrator’s office and forced to write an explanatory note. The situation seemed ridiculous and shameful to the woman, as if they were having educational conversations with her son about taking someone else’s property. Leaving the store, she strongly scolded the boy. The mother tried to convey her experience to the child, but did not achieve any results. IN next time he stole the egg again, only he put it in his jacket pocket unnoticed, mom only discovered the candy wrapper.

This situation clearly illustrates the child’s need. Every child wants joy, regardless of the conditions, but here at school everyone brings chocolates for his birthday, buys buns with chocolate in the buffet, but he is not allowed. How can you endure all this and not be tormented by the desire to eat something tasty, but forbidden?

But how can we satisfy the child’s needs so that he is happy and the parents are calm?

Even adults who are on strict diets experience strong temptations, but what can we say about children who are no different? high level self-control.

There are always opposing sides to a conflict

Opposite parties are participants in the conflict: mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, children, and the like. Each side has its own needs and its own view of the situation.

Insufficient information for decision making is another cause of conflict.

After all, differences in views are often not discussed until they arise in a conflict situation. The omission of important information often does not occur on purpose. It is simply impossible to always tell everyone about everything or be interested in everyone.

Excessive frankness can also cause conflicts.

In our example, the child’s needs were strongly suppressed; no replacement was offered, only a ban was imposed.

How does the conflict proceed?

Another characteristic of conflict is the suddenness of its occurrence. A carelessly spoken word, inappropriate intonation, for example, early in the morning or late in the evening, and off we go...

If a conflict has flared up, then people most often think about how to defend their rightness, position, self-esteem, so the entire arsenal of defensive behavior is used.

The unproductive development of the conflict leads the situation to a sad ending - everyone is offended by everyone, and the problem is not resolved.

Example from practice. Let's turn again to the family with a child with food allergies, which we talked about above. The mother complained to her husband about her son’s behavior; the spouses’ conversation was overheard by the grandmother, who immediately added fuel to the fire and accused the parents of negligence, standing up to defend the child. The daughter-in-law felt insulted and began to actively attack her mother-in-law in response, pointing out to her the shortcomings in raising her son. The husband, hearing that his wife was unhappy with him, simply left the room with his son and broke off any contact with his wife for two weeks. The situation has reached a dead end. Everyone was offended, upset and the problem was not resolved.

The conflict process has its own stages, which vary from situation to situation:

The first stage is the emergence of a problem and tension: you want sweets, but you can’t - tension, release - stealing and eating sweets right there at the cash register.

The second stage is the collision and escalation of the conflict: the mother scolded the child, complained to her husband, the mother-in-law “joined” the problem. It is clear from the situation that the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law were already in a tense relationship before the incident in the store, and the reason for the “attack” was a conversation between the spouses. Sometimes conflicts tend to “layer” on top of each other and intensify. However, in this example difficult relationships between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are of secondary importance - after all, the child needs attention and first of all it is necessary to solve his problem.

The third stage is the result: Everyone is offended and divided.

Result of the conflict

If in the process of sorting out the relationship the cause of the conflict is missed, then its result is unlikely to be predictable.

It is precisely because of the depressing consequences of conflicts that people begin to think that conflicts and quarrels are an inevitable and pointless evil. As a result, the mother came to a psychologist because she was afraid that constant conflicts in the family would finally reinforce the child’s unwanted behavior.

How to get out of conflict

You need to identify the primary reason and start from there. And sweep aside all minor details.

In the example we are looking at, the solution to the problem may be to find a way to satisfy a child's need.

If you only punish a child for an offense, but do not come up with compensation, then very soon the parents will get the opposite effect.

The child will only do what to break the prohibitions, because he has already been punished - everyone can eat chocolate, but he can’t. Where's the justice? It's not his fault that he has allergies.

The most difficult thing: you can’t give in to provocations. Many people react extremely emotionally to difficulties and look for someone to blame, even if there is none.

In our example, the parents could not even think that a smart and obedient boy was capable of reacting like that - stealing twice, and the grandmother was already quick to blame everyone for this.

At this point one could do different ways. For example, parents could tell the grandmother that no one could have predicted such behavior from the child and they are very glad that the grandmother loves her grandson so much and is worried about him. Therefore, they will definitely solve the problem in the most dignified way: they will correct the behavior and find a way to console the child.

The family, as a fully functional system of active interaction, cannot help but encounter crises, conflicts and quarrels. After all, people strive to satisfy personal needs throughout their lives, but often do not take into account the interests of their partner.

Causes of family conflicts

1. The value type of quarrel is based on the different interests of the partners and parenting patterns.

2. Positional conflict arises during the struggle for the place of head of the family.

3. Sexual type is a consequence of intimate disharmony. To resolve it, you need the help of a doctor.

4. Emotional quarrels occur against the background of an unsatisfied need for positive emotions. Accompanied by a chronic lack of affection and understanding from one of the family members. A similar conflict haunts those unions in which people simply do not care about each other.

5. Conflicts in a family with a difficult financial situation carry economic overtones. Typically, spouses own different schemes distribution of the monthly budget.

Acute disagreements that arise for the above reasons can occur openly or covertly. In the first case, people exchange verbal and physical insults. The hidden conflict is not recognized by people, and for some time it does not manifest itself in behavior at all.

Conflicts in the family, ways of their development

1. There is an aggravation of the situation, indicating destructive dynamics. The result is divorce.

2. The conflict takes on a permanent form and remains unresolved for a long time, even many years.

3. A compromise solution to the situation.

Model of behavior of a married couple in their relationships

1. Rivalry is shown by individuals who are prone to confrontation in relationships. They prefer to resolve the conflict without satisfying the partner’s aggravated needs. As the situation develops, there is an accumulation of irritation, turning into personal insults, threats, and in some cases assault.

2. Cooperation implies that conflicts in the family are resolved taking into account the interests of everyone

Resolving acute situations using the method of Jan and Katherine Gottlieb

A positive outcome of a quarrel depends on compliance with certain conditions:

• occurs without the presence of children;
• the causes of conflicts in the family are clearly formulated with a specific indication of the sharp edges;
• simultaneously with the listing of one’s own negative feelings, it is mentioned positive attitude to the spouse;
• each side is ready to calmly listen to comments on its behavior;
• the priorities of each family member are identified, common points of contact in needs are found;
• leading questions are asked to make it easier for the spouse to outline the range of his problems and feelings;
• if necessary, everyone is ready to wait until the partner’s uncontrollable emotions subside;
• counterproposals are put forward that are acceptable to the other side.

Conflicts in the family are resolved according to the methods of Jan and Katherine Gottlieb, taking into account prohibited techniques:

• you should not apologize before your partner realizes the fact of repentance;
• You cannot take the dialogue in a direction that is distracted from the current dispute, sabotage the situation or remain demonstratively silent;
• focus on the shortcomings of the intimate sphere;
• raise issues related to a conflict other than the one being discussed;
• harbor a grudge, feigning your own agreement with your opponent;
• explain the feelings of the interlocutor from your point of view;
• criticize another person's priorities;
• play on suspiciousness and uncertainty.

With a radical solution to family conflicts, divorce is inevitable sooner or later. It should be remembered: in order not to lead yourself to failure, you need to be consistent. An unpleasant legal procedure is first preceded by an emotional divorce, which manifests itself in alienation from each other, indifference, loss of trust and love. Then the spouses move to the level of physical divorce and live separately for a long time. Only after living separately, it is recommended to begin drawing up legal documents confirming the right to create a new family.

Analysis of a conflict situation in a family awaiting the birth of a child.

The essence of a conflict situation (non-judgmental formulation of an objective contradiction).

A family of two is expecting the birth of a child. A conflict situation arose regarding the selection of a name for the child. The wife offers some options for names, the husband offers others, they cannot come to a common opinion, as a result of which verbal squabbles constantly occur.

The nature of the incident (reason, reason, scenario for the development of the conflict).

Also, the husband, already as a joke, calls the child by the name he likes, the wife is constantly irritated and angry, asking him not to do this. Because of this, they have small but unpleasant conflicts. The conflict occurs in the form of a business dispute. Both spouses wish their child happiness, value their relationship and respect each other's opinions. The volume of communication on this issue is increasing, the wife gives her arguments, the husband gives his. Both understand perfectly well that the decision must be made by mutual agreement.

Participants (personal characteristics, behavioral strategies, the value of interaction for each, formulation of position and interests).

Participants in the conflict: husband and wife, married for one year, living together for 5 years, gestational age 25 weeks, gender of the child is a boy. During this time, there were no serious conflicts; all emerging issues were resolved through joint efforts. Collaboration is used as the main behavior strategy, recognizing the value of interaction and the fact that this problem concerns two people. They love each other and are trying to resolve this conflict together. Both are aware of the responsibility for choosing a name. The wife wants to name the child Dima, and the husband wants to name Semyon.

Alternative ways to realize interests. The strength of the parties to the conflict.

Search for other names that suit each other. The wife's strength in conflict is that she has the last word. She will name the child.

Determining the type of conflict. Analysis of conditions for compatibility of interests.

Based on the formulas of conflict situations, this conflict was formed according to the formula KS + I = CF (in other words, this conflict was formed on the basis of a conflict situation and incident). In this case, the incident was that the husband calls the child a name that his wife does not like. The conflict situation itself develops on the basis of a contradiction in the understanding of what name a child should have. The interests of both spouses completely coincide (they want to give beautiful name child), the differences are only in positions (in how to name them).

Conflict resolution project.

Choosing a name for your child is the exclusive, but without a doubt, responsible right of the parents themselves, which should be used wisely. The main thing is not to forget that each name not only has its own meaning, but also carries a social meaning. There are many ways to choose a child’s name; the following can be proposed as possible alternatives for resolving the conflict:

Ask a third party

Turn to astrology

Look suitable name according to the calendar

Cast lots, etc.

Choosing a psychologist model as a third party.

In this case, the conflict situation does not require the intervention of a psychologist, since the spouses themselves are able to solve their problem. In such situations, the services of a psychologist can be used as a consultation.

Conflicts in the family- This is a fairly common phenomenon today. Conflict can be considered an ordinary feature social institutions, it is inevitable and inevitable. That is why conflict should be considered as a natural part of family life. It should be accepted as one of the manifestations of natural human interaction, since not in all situations it can have a destructive effect on a couple. In some cases, conflicts, on the contrary, are one of the core processes that serve to preserve the whole.

The main value of conflicts is considered to be that they work to prevent the ossification of the system and open the way to new formations and progress in relationships. Conflict is a kind of stimulus that leads to transformation; it is a challenge that requires a creative response.

Causes of conflicts in the family

Many people who get married quite often do not realize that family relationships are not only Cohabitation and the birth of children, but also the ability and desire to care and understand each other, to give happiness.

So, for what reasons does psychological conflict arise in the family? A conflict situation is a clash of opposing and sometimes hostile needs, positions, views, opinions, interests. There are several common typical reasons that provoke conflict situations in almost any family. These include:

• completely different views on life together;

• unmet needs;

• adultery;

• drunkenness of one of the partners;

• lack of respect between partners for each other;

• non-participation in everyday life and raising children;

• selfishness of spouses;

• excessive jealousy, etc.

The listed reasons for the emergence of conflict situations in family life- these are by no means all the possible reasons that can cause quarrels between partners. Most often, in life together the weak and strong half of humanity, conflict situations cause several reasons at the same time. Therefore, all conflicts should be divided into two types, each of which depends on the method by which they are resolved.

The first type is creative, which consists of a certain level of tolerance towards each other, endurance, and refusal of humiliation and insults. Creative conflicts include a search for the causes of conflict situations, mutual readiness and the ability to conduct dialogue, and an attempt to modify existing relationships. The result of creative conflicts will be established friendly relations between partners. The main result of such conflicts is constructive dialogue. The saying that truth is born in a dispute can rightfully be applied to such communication.

A destructive psychological conflict in a family consists of countless insults, humiliation by spouses of each other, the desire to offend a partner, teach a lesson or blame him. The result of such conflicts is a loss of mutual respect. And communication between them is transformed into an obligation, a duty, and most often an unpleasant, aggravating one, which leads to the breakdown of the family.

It should be noted that most conflicts of a destructive nature arise as a result of incorrect feminine behavior. Women are much more likely than men to try to spite them, try to take revenge on their partners and teach them a lesson. This is due to the high emotionality and sensitivity of the weak half of humanity. And also with the established role of women in family life today, which has long no longer satisfied women’s needs, ambitions and aspirations.

Therefore, we can identify the following main reasons for the emergence of conflicts in the family:

• the desire of one or both partners to realize in marriage, first of all, their own, personal needs;

• unsatisfied need for self-realization and self-affirmation;

• inability of partners to communicate constructively with each other, with friends, relatives, comrades, acquaintances and work colleagues;

• excessively developed material aspirations in one of the spouses or both at the same time;

• reluctance of one of the partners to participate in family life and housekeeping;

• inflated self-esteem of one of the partners;

discrepancy between parenting methods or views on parenting of one of the partners;

• lack of desire on the part of one of the partners to raise children;

• differences in spouses' judgments about the essence of the roles of wife, mother, husband, father, head of the family;

• divergence of views on the role of a woman or a man in family life;

• unreasonable and empty expectations;

• misunderstanding, which results in a reluctance to engage in joint dialogue or constructively interact with each other;

• different for partners;

• inability or unwillingness to consider temperament types;

• intimate neglect, abuse or betrayal of one of the spouses;

• material disadvantage or domestic unsettlement;

• differences in spiritual, moral and value guidelines;

• bad habits and their associated consequences.

There are also private reasons related to the characteristics of a particular family.

Conflicts in a young family

In order to minimize the likelihood of conflicts arising in newly formed families of a destructive nature and to answer the question “how to avoid conflicts in the family,” both partners must have the proper level of motivational, moral, social, psychological and pedagogical readiness.

Moral and social readiness represents civic maturity. The criteria for civic maturity are age, education, profession, level of morality, health and economic independence. The most favorable age for marriage from a medical point of view is considered to be 20-22 years for the female part of the population and 23-28 for the male part, since the male body reaches full maturity later than the female one.

Also important point The ratio of their ages is considered to help the successful adaptation of spouses in marriage. The fragility of family relationships, in the overwhelming majority, is observed in families where the woman is older than the man. The strength of a marriage depends on the difference in the ages of the partners. How older people concluding a marriage, the more years a man must be older women. In this case, the maximum difference in the ages of partners should not exceed 12 years.

The level of morality of young individuals is one of the most important factors in their readiness to marry and start a family. Developed morality is manifested in the newlyweds’ awareness of the social significance of the family, a thoughtful choice of the chosen one, a serious attitude towards marriage, a sense of responsibility for the family, full respect for the future spouse, his relatives, responsiveness, and communication with them.

The readiness and well-being of family relationships has a significant dependence on the health status of individuals entering into marriage. Healthy image life contributes to the development of spirituality and moral culture of the individual, strengthening family relationships, maintaining friendly and respectful relationships with the surrounding society, and also helps the individual much more easily cope with psycho-emotional difficulties and resist stressful situations that often arise in family life.

Numerous studies have shown that the criterion of housing security and material well-being does not directly affect family stability. However, poor housing and material conditions can often intensify conflict situations that arise due to other reasons. Motivational readiness combines love, as the main motive for creating a family, a sense of responsibility for the family, readiness for independence, giving birth to and raising children, and forming them into self-sufficient individuals.

Psychological readiness consists in the presence of developed communication skills, unity of positions or similarity of views on social and family life, the ability to create a morally and psychologically healthy climate in relationships, constancy of character and feelings, and strong-willed personal qualities. The family atmosphere in which the future spouses were born and raised, for the most part, determines how the fate of the young family will develop in the future, whether it will break up or not.

Pedagogical readiness includes pedagogical literacy, intimate education, economic and economic skills. Pedagogical literacy of individuals entering into marriage presupposes knowledge about the patterns of children's formation and methods of raising them, and skills in caring for children. Household and economic skills imply the ability to plan and distribute a family budget, organize leisure time, create comfort, and establish a daily life.

Sexual education consists of acquiring the necessary knowledge about sexual relationships between partners and the intimate aspects of an individual’s life, and how to preserve one’s love.

Prevention of conflicts in the family includes certain preparation of individuals for living together.

There are practically no families without conflicts, especially young ones. After all, a person is in constant conflict even with himself. Conflict situations in family relationships can be completely different. They occur between spouses, children, and generational conflicts in the family are also common.

Conflicts between children in the family

Conflict situations that arise in families between children are a fairly common phenomenon. Almost all families face this problem after the birth of their second baby. Children have conflicts with elders or younger brothers and sisters, in order to try to defend their own position and attract the attention of adults and win them over to their side.

As a rule, parents always intervene in conflicts between children, trying to reconcile them. However, often this only makes the situation worse. Parents think they have solved the problem, but in reality, children simply stop quarreling in their presence. This happens because the true cause of the conflicts has not been found, as a result of which it is not possible to resolve the conflict.

Frequent causes of children's conflicts are the struggle for leadership among other children, position in the family, and also for the attention of adults. Quarrels between children in the family serve as a so-called indicator of family relationships. If they happen often, it means that not all is well in family relationships. Moreover, the dysfunction of family relationships is expressed not only in frequent quarrels between children, but also between the parents themselves. Generational conflicts in the family are also a clear indicator of dysfunctional relationships.

However, you should not be upset by conflict situations. After all, they are inevitable. Conflicts occur even in the most happy families. However, they pass and are resolved in different ways.

You should not try to explain frequent children’s quarrels by the children’s character traits or hereditary traits. After all, the behavior of children, basically, is directly dependent on the specific circumstances and methods of education applied to them by their parents.

Prevention of conflicts in the family that arise between children consists of adults ignoring them. After all, in most cases, the cause of children’s conflicts lies in the so-called work “in public.” And if such a “public” is absent or does not react, then the conflict itself is ineffective. Therefore it doesn't make sense.

Naturally, it is quite difficult for parents to remain indifferent and not intervene when their children quarrel. Most adults are simply convinced that if they do not intervene, children will definitely hurt each other. Therefore, they try to reconcile the warring parties, often without delving into the reasons for such hostility. Very often the older child is left to blame. So, the only solution to conflicts in the family that occur between children is to ignore them. If you are still afraid that children may harm each other, then take away dangerous objects from them and let them solve the problem on their own. Only in the rarest cases are children capable of deliberately causing harm to each other, because this is not their goal. They just want to attract the attention of adults by involving them in their own quarrels.

Resolving conflicts in the family

The constructiveness of resolving conflicts between spouses is directly dependent, first of all, on whether there is understanding between them, whether they are guided in their life together by behavior that is based on the ability to forgive and give in.

The main condition for a constructive conclusion to a controversial dialogue is to under no circumstances seek victory over each other. After all, victory is unlikely to be considered a personal achievement if it comes at the expense of defeat or offending a loved one. In any conflict, you need to remember that your partner is worthy of respect.

How to avoid conflicts in the family between spouses? You need to understand that conflicts are an inseparable part of family life, just like communication, everyday life, leisure, etc. Therefore, conflict situations should not be avoided, but rather tried to be resolved constructively. If quarrels arise, you should adhere to a constructive dialogue using reasoned facts, without using categoricalness, claims, generalizations and maximalism. There is no need to involve strangers or family members in conflicts if they do not directly concern them. It should be understood that a favorable climate in the family depends only on the behavior, goals and desires of the spouses, and not on other individuals. Strangers can become a catalyst or detonator of destructive conflict rather than a helping mechanism.

Conflict resolution in the family takes place different ways, which lead both to the establishment of relationships and to their destruction. One of the ways to resolve conflicts that leads to family breakdown is. According to many psychologists, divorce is preceded by a process that includes three stages. The first stage is an emotional divorce, which manifests itself in cooling, indifference of partners to each other, loss of trust and loss of love. The next stage is physical divorce, which results in separation. The final stage is considered a legal divorce, which implies legal registration of the termination of the marriage.

Many couples are so tired of endless quarrels and conflicts that they see the only solution to the problem - divorce. For some, it really is a deliverance from unfriendliness, hostility, enmity, deception and other negative aspects that darken life. However, it also has its negative consequences, which will be different for society, the divorcees themselves and their children.

A woman is considered more vulnerable during a divorce, since she is much more susceptible to neuropsychiatric disorders. For children, the negative consequences of divorce will be much more significant compared to the consequences for adults. After all, the child thinks that he is losing one of his parents or blames himself for the divorce.

Ways to resolve conflicts in the family

A prosperous family differs from others in the presence of a sense of joy, happiness of today and tomorrow. In order to maintain this feeling, partners should leave bad moods, problems and troubles outside their home, and bring home only an atmosphere of elation, happiness, joy and optimism.

Overcoming conflicts in the family and preventing them lies in the mutual assistance of spouses and acceptance of the other person as he is in reality. If one partner is in a bad mood, then the other needs to help him free himself from a depressed mental state, try to cheer him up and occupy his thoughts with something pleasant.

Overcoming conflicts in the family and preventing the occurrence of many mistakes depends on compliance with several basic principles of married life together. We must try to look realistically at the contradictions that arise before marriage and the differences of opinion that appear after marriage. Do not create illusions so as not to be disappointed in the future, because the present is unlikely to meet the standards and criteria you planned. Take difficulties as blessings, since overcoming them together only brings people together. Overcoming difficult situations living together by both spouses is an excellent opportunity to find out how much the partner is ready to live, guided by the principle of bilateral compromise.

Don't miss opportunities to understand your spouse's psychology. After all, in order to live together in love and harmony, it is necessary to understand each other, learn to adapt, and also try to please each other.

Appreciate the little things. After all, minor but frequent surprises and signs of attention are no less valuable and important than expensive gifts that can hide indifference, coldness and infidelity.

Learn to forgive and forget insults, be more tolerant of each other. After all, everyone is ashamed of some of their own mistakes and it is unpleasant for them to remember them. Why remember something that once already violated your relationship and something that should have been forgotten as soon as possible if you decided to forgive the person.

Do not impose your own demands, try at all costs to protect your partner’s sense of dignity.

Appreciate the short separation. From time to time, partners bore each other, because even the most tasty food It will get boring over time. Separation allows you to get bored and helps you understand how strong the love between spouses is.