The relationship between husband and wife. There are different types of psychology of relationships between husband and wife

Relationship between husband and wife. Foot mat or favorite?

Hello, dear readers of the blog site! Man and woman, psychology of family relationships– a very complex and delicate issue. Why complicated? Because men and women are very different from each other. But everyone wants to find happiness and real Love.

How to help a woman who married for love, but then fell off the pedestal of the woman she loved and turned into a doormat? And she completely misunderstood what happiness was.

Today I will talk about the fatal mistake some women make who dreamed of finding love and happiness.

Quite often it happens that one spouse loves more than the other. And he gives to his other half more than he receives in return.

Gradually, a woman who loves her husband more than he loves her begins to notice that her efforts are not really appreciated. One might even say they hardly notice. She breaks herself into pieces just to prove her love, but everything is taken for granted. And gradually the feeling of love begins to dissolve in everyday worries.

If you don't pay attention to this in time, everything will go just according to the script. The wife begins to serve her husband, and the husband will treat such a woman worse and worse every day. If he gets used to the fact that his wife has turned from an object of adoration into a servant, then how will he treat her?

Quite dismissive. How else can you treat a person who is losing his dignity and does not want to defend his rights?

It’s so strange - how much I work, but I still look like a fresh, rested horse.

If there is even the slightest hint that your efforts are being taken for granted, you need to stop self-deprecation and try to figure out what you are doing wrong, why you are being treated differently.

If you try to take the easiest path and pretend that everything is normal, the stereotypes will be fixed forever.

Who will you gradually turn into? A rug on which a man will wipe his feet.

And what kind of love can we talk about then?

Of course, this wonderful feeling will not remain in such a family. The wife’s self-esteem will gradually begin to fall, and this is very bad.

A woman is designed in such a way that at some point (usually after the birth of a child) she begins to think about others more than about herself. Of course, there are those selfish people who don’t notice anyone but themselves, but, as a rule, they always remain alone, because they don’t need anyone.

A woman will always think about her child, her husband, her mother. And only last but not least about myself. We need to fight this, but how?

Arrange small holidays and entertainment just for yourself. Over the years, many wonderful representatives of humanity cease to attract attention to themselves, switching entirely to their children and husband. Let me give you an example.

Once I was walking down the street, two women of about forty-five walked in front of me. Both of them had a dejected gait, and it was clear that they were talking about some sad topics. When I overtook them, I heard what they were talking about.

Yes, we don’t think about ourselves at all, we don’t have time to remember about ourselves,” one friend nodded in agreement in response to some phrase.

Can you imagine, I was thinking, if God forbid something happens to me, and my husband goes through my things, he won’t find anything except old, worn things.

This is what we've come to!

Imagine how low self-esteem these women have! But they weren’t like that before. It’s just that at some point in their lives they stopped paying attention to themselves and began to serve their family, completely giving up on themselves.

I was convinced that at our work they even add sleeping pills to coffee.

How do you think a husband treats a wife who doesn’t love herself so much? Most likely, he doesn't even notice her. Never allow yourself to be humiliated, do not turn from a loved one into a devoted servant.

One conversation that I heard about fifteen years ago on a trolleybus stuck with me for a long time. A married couple stood next to me. I didn’t pay attention to them until they started talking. The husband said calmly:

Now we’ll get home, I’ll fill the bathroom with water, take a glass of beer, turn on the TV and rest for an hour.

Well, as always, I’ll go to my pans in the kitchen and start working,” the wife answered sadly.

After that, I turned interestedly in their direction to get a better look at such a strange couple. He is a handsome man who is used to taking care of himself. She is such an inconspicuous gray mouse who looks servilely at her husband and is ready to play the role of a servant for his sake.

A typical example of how a young woman turns into a doormat. The man wipes his feet on her, and she agrees to endure such an ugly attitude. Why is this happening?

At some point in her life, a woman forgets what she dreamed of before marriage, begins to wear old things and saves, first of all, on herself. Is this right?

A man simply cannot by nature love the rug on which he wipes his feet. Let me remind you that a man is a conqueror, a knight, a hunter, a warrior. Anyone, but he must respect himself and win the woman he loves.

He will never fight in a knightly tournament for a mat or a servant, so another woman will definitely appear on the horizon of such a man. A old rug they'll just throw it away. And the woman who has forgotten about herself will be left alone.

On top of everything else, a husband, if he is indulged and served in everything, can easily turn into a tyrant. A despot in the family, what could be worse? A tyrant is also capable of violence, we must always remember this.

A woman should never stoop to go from being an equal partner to someone who has no say. And in such families, quite often a situation arises when the husband tries to take power into his own hands and completely subjugate his wife to himself.

Any violence in the family is unacceptable, remember this.

It also happens the other way around, when a man can become a doormat. This happens if the husband is too flexible, and his wife is inclined to raise her voice on any occasion. Or even yell at her husband when he tries to object to her.

And what kind of family is this in which one of the spouses turns into such a doormat over the years? Of course, their feeling of love disappears forever.

The bad thing about this situation is that if the mother agrees to play the role of a dumb wife, her daughter can learn this behavior pattern and consider it normal. And this will then have a negative impact on her own life when my daughter grows up and gets married.

And even unconsciously she will start dating a man who is prone to aggression, and this can end very badly.

As you can see, a woman’s desire to serve a man does not lead to anything positive. It turns out to be some kind of vicious circle.

The wife's self-esteem will fall every year, and she will begin to develop a sense of resentment towards her husband.

I do everything for him, but he doesn’t even notice my efforts! – that’s what the woman thinks. Moreover, the more such a wife tries for her husband, the worse he will treat her. But why allow yourself to be used? Why agree to have their feet wiped on you?

If you somehow find yourself in such a vicious circle, sit down and analyze what happened to you and why are you being so humiliated?

Often a woman is driven by a feeling of resentment that grows year by year. She begins to engage in self-flagellation in her soul and blames herself for everything. To some extent, she is right, but you can’t take all the blame on yourself, it’s wrong.

The most important thing in such a situation is to regain the lost self-esteem.

Chief, remember! White (untanned) color indicates employees who still want to go on vacation.

It happens that spouses have been living together for 20 or 30 years, and almost all this time the wife has been serving her husband. All these years, her husband did not pay attention to her, but she tried and tried.

Things can sometimes get to the point where a husband, in the presence of other people, can speak very disparagingly to his wife.

What might she be experiencing? Resentment gradually turns into anger, but the family will still fall apart. Especially if the children are already grown up.

Young girls, before whom life is opening in its entirety, are unlikely to believe that such families exist. But this, unfortunately, is true.

All women dream of being loved and marrying good man. Many people make mistakes and then suffer for the rest of their lives.

Remember, if spouses in a family love each other, each of them will always treat their other half well. Manipulation and humiliation in family life should not be allowed under any circumstances.

A woman can harbor feelings of resentment for a very long time. This is also due to the type of character she possesses.

Many wives feel that they give too much to their husbands and receive too little in return.

What should a wife do in such a situation? She tries her best, denies herself everything, but he just doesn’t care. Her husband doesn’t appreciate her efforts and that’s it! Someone will start to think badly about themselves (I'm a loser, I'm ugly, etc.).

Someone will start to get offended and angry. And then even hate your husband or yourself.

This is completely wrong. There is no need to drive yourself and your relationship with your husband into a dead end.

The main thing is to stop, think and analyze everything. I wrote in detail what happens if you bury your head in the sand, like an ostrich does. This will definitely not lead to anything good.

There is a way out of any situation, the main thing is not to despair and not stop fighting what you don’t like.

Sometimes women become very touchy, which leads to a deterioration in relations with their husbands. She is offended, but he simply cannot understand what he did.

In family life, a man and a woman experience many emotions. We need to make sure that there are more positive emotions than negative ones.

But for this you need to try hard. Remember to talk to your spouse often and figure out what you or he doesn't like.

Being a servant for your husband, constantly being offended, is not the path along which love and respect develop.

Think about what happy wife is the one who loves her husband and is loved! She helps her husband, they trust him, and he is happy because he and his wife completely understand each other.

Today I told you how not to build your relationship with your husband so as not to lose respect for yourself.

It is better to live your whole life in love than to be offended every day and consider your family life to be endless torture.

Relationships between a man and a woman sometimes they are very complicated. ABOUT psychology of love I can write a lot more, because people get married with completely different types character, upbringing and outlook on life.

I hope that my article helped you understand yourself. Let there always be in your family health, love and happiness.

In the next article I will talk about why the wife is silent and for what reason the husband stops talking.

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Why, instead of giving positive advice, did we decide to talk about what should be strictly prohibited in marriage? The answer to this question is the story told in the Talmud.

Once a man, having met the great Hillel (an outstanding Teacher of the Mishnah, 1st century), asked him:

- Explain to me the entire Torah while standing on one leg.

Hillel agreed and said:

- Never do to others what you hate yourself. This is the whole Torah. The rest is comments. Now go and train...

Many commentators, analyzing this story, are perplexed. It would seem that with the same success Hillel could quote the famous positive law - “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Why did he choose the “reverse” answer?

But this is where deep wisdom lies. We all know very well what hurts us. More than once we have experienced how unpleasant a critical remark or a contemptuous look can be. We have repeatedly witnessed how one carelessly thrown word can worsen or even destroy relationships between people. We are well aware that the negative actions we commit can significantly outweigh our positive manifestations.

Therefore, the first step towards improving marital relations is an attempt to get rid of the negative emotional baggage that day after day aggravates our family coexistence. Rose bushes will not grow in a field strewn with toxic waste. In order for the bushes to take root, it is necessary to first cleanse the soil of the poison that poisons it. Only then will it be possible to plant flowers in it. By learning to recognize the psychological wounds we inflict on our partners and consciously avoid them, we will create an atmosphere in which love can grow and flourish.

As you read the text offered here, you should be prepared to put the advice it contains into practice. It is also recommended to complete all the “tasks” suggested in it. Marriage is a kind of test. In order to successfully withstand it, you need perseverance, patience and the desire not to limit yourself to theoretical calculations, but to immediately put them into practice. Get started, and the results of your work will not take long to arrive. Even if only one of the partners consciously follows our recommendations, this will still be enough to change family relationships for the better.

1. LEARN TO EXPRESS APPRECIATION

Marriage is perhaps the most effective and complex program for developing human character. Cohabitation with another person under the same roof provides us with a unique chance to constantly develop and strengthen self-control, respect for others and kindness. At every moment of communication between spouses, they are faced with the need to choose: between an outburst of anger and a restrained expression of their dissatisfaction. We can take our partner’s help and loyalty for granted, or we can try to express our gratitude to him at every opportunity.

A husband and wife should not consider that they have conquered each other once and for all, and therefore must unquestioningly fulfill their marital duties. I’ll warn you right away that this advice, compared to the other nine, is unique, because to put it into practice you need to take a positive action - learn to express gratitude. You either take your wife for granted as part of the “household” or you thank her for the kindness she has shown. There can be no intermediate position here. In addition, expressions of gratitude are an excellent means of combating one’s own selfishness. In order to achieve a state where you feel a sincere desire to constantly express gratitude for every service provided to you, you need to get rid of three negative factors: feelings of permissiveness, high expectations and conscious amnesia.

Permissiveness in the context of a family is a position when a person repeats to himself: “You take care of me because I deserve it. So why should I thank you? My needs and desires come first, and it is your responsibility to satisfy them.” Inflated expectations are also associated with such an attitude towards a partner: “If I want something, you must (must) do it.” Armed with permissiveness and the belief that our desires will definitely be fulfilled, we begin to behave with our partners as if they were not independent and independent individuals, but an extension of ourselves. This is akin to the feeling that a baby experiences for its mother. He knows that if he screams, he will be immediately fed.

Conscious amnesia or negligence is the “art” of forgetting or ignoring the obvious. We stop paying attention to the kindness that our marriage partners show towards us. I suspect that permissiveness, coupled with high expectations over time, gives rise to this conscious amnesia.

If you want to understand how you really perceive your marriage partner, answer the questions offered here.

Ask yourself: is my behavior in relationships with my husband (wife) different from my behavior with casual acquaintances or work colleagues (am I just as polite, attentive and kind)?

Most people, I think, would be forced to say no.

Then ask yourself the following question: what emotions would I feel if my marriage partner were rude to me, did not pay any attention to what I do for her, and neglected my interests and requests?

Before answering the second question of the test, remember the words of Hillel - “Never do to another what you hate.”

Exercise

Write down everything your partner does for you. When making your list, try not to leave anything out. The cup of coffee that your husband (wife) served you in the morning and the husband’s (wife’s) ability to calculate the family budget are also important...

When the list is long enough, re-read it carefully and ask yourself: “Did I express gratitude for each item noted here?”

Most likely, you will find that in most cases your partner never received words of gratitude from you.

Take care of yourself and constantly thank your marriage partner for everything that he does throughout the week. And soon you will notice a change in your relationship.

Don't forget to remind her (him) from time to time that you love and appreciate her (him).

Don't assume that you know what your partner is thinking or feeling. The chances are too high that you are wrong. False assumptions lead to unnecessary and pointless conflicts.

Imagine this situation.

Entering the living room, you see that your husband is sitting in his favorite chair and is constantly looking at one point somewhere on the wall. His lips are tightly compressed... How will you react to this?

You will take it personally and get upset - “What did I do to make him angry with me”?

But then you come up to him and quietly ask: “What happened?” The husband slowly turns in your direction, his gaze softens and he says: “I was fired.”

You expected a torrent of accusations to come your way. But the matter turned out to be completely different.

In the above example, the woman did not bother herself with idle speculation and was convinced that her husband had no complaints against her and was upset because of problems at work.

However, often in such cases we build a chain of false assumptions and begin to religiously believe in them, without even bothering to make an attempt to find out what really happened.

Often during psychotherapy sessions, married couples learn that many of their guesses, illusions and fantasies were partially or completely wrong. For example, a harsh and picky husband who supposedly hates his wife, when tested, turns out to be an insecure man who is afraid that his wife does not love him.

There was such a case in my practice. The husband believed that his wife had moved away from him. And he took it personally. In fact, the wife missed her dead mother and could not cope with her grief.

So, don't speculate. Always find out what is going on with your partner.

Exercise

Take a piece of paper and, without thinking, complete the phrase: “I assume that my partner feels for me...”. Next should be a list of what feelings, in your opinion, he (she) has for you.

Once you have completed the list, try to check if your guesses are correct.

I suspect that after checking you will see that in most cases you were wrong. It is very likely that your marriage partner will agree with some of the “items” on the list. It may hurt you. However, it is much better to deal with facts than with vague and unsupported assumptions. At least you will know what the problem is and how to approach its solution.

3. DON'T BLAME

Spouses often throw serious accusations at each other - “You forced me to do this”; “It’s because of you that our relationship is getting worse and worse”; “You do everything to make me feel unhappy (unhappy)”, etc. It's easier. It is much more difficult to face the truth and ask yourself the question: “What is my contribution to the destruction of our relationship?”

By blaming our partner, we thus relieve ourselves of responsibility for everything that happens in the family. In essence, by placing blame on my spouse, I am asserting that he or she is driving my behavior. But married life- not the experiments of Academician Pavlov. And our reactions are not the conditioned reflexes of a dog: a signal sounds and the animal salivates. After all, what happens: my wife forgets to say hello to me - and I become furious...

By throwing accusations, we deprive our partner of the opportunity to seriously think about our claims and give a full answer to them. Instead of trying to calmly express our justified dissatisfaction, we shout and threaten, provoking our partner to a similar reaction. At best, it will end in a squabble, at worst, a protracted family war. And we all know one sad truth: in love and war, all means are fair. And marriage is both love and war.

So, how to fight the desire to blame your partner for all the “serious” things?

The answer is simple: take responsibility for your actions and actions.

However, applying this principle in practice is a serious task. It's hard to admit that sometimes you are wrong. It is difficult to resist the temptation to beat out of your partner remorse for the wrongs done to you. I’ll tell you a secret: proving that you are right in a given situation is nothing more than consolation prize . Yes, you win in the family fight, but the relationship between partners loses. If you want to achieve true victory, you must carefully consider what role you yourself played in family conflicts.

Exercise

Make a list of all the accusations you make against your partner. For example: “Because of you, our house is always a mess” or “You are to blame for the fact that Sarah is friends with just anyone. You never have time to communicate with her.”

Review your list and face the truth. Write down all the times you could have handled the situation yourself but didn't. And try to find your own solution for each of these cases.

Let's take, for example, the second case, when a wife accuses her husband of paying too little attention to his daughter. Instead of reproaching him, she can tell him: “I'm worried that Sarah is in bad company. We should figure out together what’s going on here...”

With this approach to the problem, the wife will most likely be pleasantly surprised to find that her husband is also worried about this, and will realize that he should spend much more time with his daughter.

4. DO NOT INTERPRET

How would you feel if your wife suddenly said to you: “Finally, I understand why you are so nagging at me. You are an exact copy of your father. I’m sure he picked on you even more than you picked on me.”

I don’t think that such an “analysis” of a partner’s behavior can benefit at least one of the parties - help them understand themselves and overcome some complexes.

There may be some truth in what the wife said. However, in essence, this is the same reproach, disguised as “objective concern.” You can firmly believe that the underlying reasons for your partner's actions are clear to you, that you discern the subtle nuances of his behavior, and that your interpretation is objective and useful. But I dare to assure you that not a single person who thinks deeply and seriously about the relationship with his partner is able to maintain the necessary professional assessment situation distance. Most often, our interpretations are influenced to a certain extent by the selfish interests of the spouses, as well as the desire to change the partner for the “better.”

Perhaps you are like me. I don't like it when my wife tries to interpret my thoughts and feelings. I want her to listen to me with attention. I need a truly friendly reaction from her, it is important for me to know that she sincerely cares about me. She can help me understand myself only by directly perceiving the thoughts I express and capturing the emotions that accompany them.

So, in order to avoid the temptation to interpret your partner’s manifestations in your own way, first of all, determine what in him causes your dissatisfaction. And learn to listen carefully, with love, to what he tells you about this.

Exercise

IN next time, when your husband (wife) talks to you about something, try to understand him (her) correctly. Learn to express your empathy with facial expressions and gestures. You can achieve the desired effect by looking into your partner's eyes or holding his hand.

During the conversation, find a convenient moment to support him and express your agreement with him. Tell him, for example: “I understand perfectly why you are angry with your boss. If I were you, I would just be furious.”

5. DON'T SAY "YES" IF YOU WANT TO SAY "NO"

Many people are unable to say “no” to their partner. Perhaps they are afraid that he will be angry or disappointed, and they will immediately feel guilty. Therefore, instead of expressing their true feelings, they force themselves to go against their own will. And as a result, they are indignant at both themselves and their partner.

The fact is that by saying “yes” when you want to say “no”, a person puts on a mask, as it were, and the relationship with a partner loses sincerity. But a marriage devoid of sincerity cannot truly firmly and deeply connect two people.

The desire to get rid of selfishness and learn to give, and not just take, does not imply giving up one’s own feelings, desires and needs - to please the husband (wife). If you give up something that is part of your personality, you will soon begin to feel dissatisfied. If you speak openly and directly to your spouse about your worries and needs, he will be able to better see your true self. It is wrong to believe that the best way out of the situation is to present your partner with some “artificial personality” that, in your opinion, he should like.

Our Teachers instruct: “If I do not live for myself, who will live for me? If I live only for myself, who am I?..” (Oral Torah, Mishnah, Pirkei Avot , ch. 1).

Perhaps if you learn to say “no” when you disagree with something, your partner will feel much more confident knowing that what you say can be trusted. However, there is a high probability that such a change in your behavior will initially discourage and even frighten him. Remember that he is not used to your sincerity, and may be unpleasantly surprised to learn that not all of your yeses actually expressed your agreement.

You should understand and remember for the rest of your life: whenever you decide to change the rules of your relationship with your partner, conflict inevitably follows. But there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes conflict is even necessary to move the relationship between spouses from a dead point and force them to develop further. Constructive conflict helps to get closer and better understand each other.

If there is already a deep and strong connection between you and your partner, your decision to tell it like it is will only strengthen it. However, if you have not yet reached this level of mutual understanding, I would recommend that you proceed as carefully as possible. Before you go completely into “truth mode,” try to imagine how your partner will react to this. There is a possibility that the transition from a relationship built on the desire for the approval of a partner to a relationship based on truthfulness and openness will require the intervention of a professional psychologist.

The path to achieving a deeper level of sincerity is quite bumpy, but when you get to the end, you will realize that you spent so much effort on it for good reason.

Exercise

Write the following phrase on a piece of paper: “I’m afraid to tell my husband (wife) that...”. And then list your fears in ascending order. Let your concern come first, which is easiest for you to tell your husband (wife).

Then imagine walking up to your partner and telling them the truth. Record the emotions you experience. Try to breathe evenly and gently encourage yourself to relax. When you are able to mentally imagine the entire conversation scene with your partner, try to put it into practice. Start with the simplest one (fear number 1) and move down the list.

6. DON'T TRY TO PUNISH YOUR PARTNER WITH SILENCE

Silence is a deadly weapon. For any couple, it is better to throw out accumulated emotions in a bloodless verbal duel and, at least, explain what exactly bothers them than to cherish their grievances in icy silence.

Silence is a form of punishment through emotional withdrawal. We punish our parents by breaking ties with them and as if we do not want to acknowledge their existence. If I withdraw into angry silence, I am essentially letting my wife know that the blame lies entirely with her, and that in order to break the seal on my lips, she must ask for my forgiveness. Silence is a powerful means of controlling and manipulating people and has no place in a happy marriage.

In order to most effectively resolve conflict situations, you should learn to express your dissatisfaction so that your partner can hear and understand you. In marriage, this ability is one of the most important, since without it, any minor problem threatens to turn into a large-scale disaster.

But how can you learn to say what you don’t want to talk about? How to say all this to a partner who will most likely get angry in response or, at a minimum, offended?

Unambiguous and universal solution This problem doesn't exist. It is possible that you will need professional help to get out of this situation. But before you seek marriage counseling, try an exercise designed to teach you how to express your anger appropriately.

Exercise

1. Make a list of the actions and habits of your partner that cause you resentment. Try doing it in the following form: “I am outraged that you...”.

2. Write a letter to your partner stating everything that is bothering you. Try to start with something positive. Don't blame your husband (wife). If you realize what your own role is in causing family conflicts, be sure to tell him about it. Your partner, most likely, seeing that you are ready to admit your part of the guilt, will be much more willing to think about his mistakes. Here is an example of the beginning of such a letter:

Dear David,

I want to talk to you about our relationship. I love you and want our marriage to be happy and fulfilling. What I'm about to tell you may hurt you. But that's not what I need. I really want us to become close to each other again. However, I cannot remain silent any longer. Please think about what I am writing to you in this letter and try not to get angry.

This is very difficult, but you must hear me. So here I go. It hurts me that you...

We all know that anger is a very strong feeling that can destroy the relationship between two people. Therefore, the ability to control your negative emotions is one of the key qualities necessary to create a stable and happy marriage. To prevent anger from taking hold of you, you need to learn to let go of your dissatisfaction before it reaches explosive levels.

7. DO NOT EXPRESS SUPPRESSED IMPULSES THROUGH NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR

Many people, in an effort to express pent-up emotions and impulses, begin to behave cruelly and thoughtlessly. For example, a young girl may be a poor student or addicted to drugs and alcohol, thus showing dissatisfaction with her parents. She is afraid to openly express her feelings. That's why she behaves this way, knowing that her behavior will cause fear and rage in her parents. It turns out that such ostentatious actions are, in fact, an unconscious and clumsy attempt to establish contact with another person.

In marriage, partners quite often use different types ostentatious behavior - breaking dishes, withdrawing into themselves, showing emotional and physical aggressiveness or - a tendency towards depression, wasting money, etc. In order to express dissatisfaction and indignation at the behavior of another person, there are an endless variety of different ways.

One of the most common forms of expression of repressed impulses is passive aggressiveness. Typical examples of passive-aggressive behavior include failure to keep promises, throwing things around the apartment, thoughtless spending of money, feigning helplessness and lack of interest in marital responsibilities.

What to do in such a situation?

The only and completely logical way out of this situation is open communication, which implies the ability of partners to honestly tell each other about what worries them. Showy behavior is a kind of mask that hides the real problem. This forces others to focus on the behavior itself, and the motives that provoke manifestations of this kind remain aside.

To develop your ability to communicate directly, try the activity below.

Exercise

1. Find a secluded and cozy corner where no one will disturb you for half an hour.

2. Close your eyes and try to breathe calmly and evenly. Focus your attention on your breathing. Relax and at the same time continue to monitor how you inhale and exhale air.

3. After a few minutes, ask yourself the question: “What exactly in my behavior irritates my husband (wife)?” Maybe he can't stand the constant mess in the bedroom. Maybe he is puzzled by your inability to handle money. Perhaps he is annoyed by your habit of always being late everywhere. Analyzing probable reasons your partner’s dissatisfaction, try to be honest with yourself.

4. Write down on a piece of paper everything that you managed to realize. Ask yourself if you want to continue behaving the way you have before. And try to understand what purpose certain actions serve, and whether there is more effective method express the feelings that lie behind them.

5. Remember that in the process of struggling with such methods of expressing feelings, some deep wounds and years of suppressed emotions may surface. However, do not forget that only the truth can heal a shaken marriage. Take care not to take out all your negative emotions on your partner.

8. DON’T TRY TO HURT YOUR PARTNER WITH WORDS

Try, however, not to give in to this temptation. The fact is that your intemperance can cost you dearly. If you start making stinging reproaches, your partner will either respond in kind or deny everything. And neither in the first nor in the second case will you solve the problem and understand each other.

Realize that you won’t achieve anything with reproaches, and your partner, even if he doesn’t get into an argument, won’t even try to change anything. Therefore, prohibit yourself from using speech patterns that have the form of accusations (for example, “You are a slob!”, “You always have to clean up after you!” or “You are an exact copy of your mother. It is from her that you have a habit of wasting money!”). Instead, explain to him (her) what you feel and think when you discover, for example, that his (her) things are scattered around the apartment. Your words will take on a completely different color if you say, “I get nervous if you...” or, “You know, the mess in the house irritates me... I would be very grateful if you would tidy things up.” in place”, etc. The main thing is that phrases of this kind sound completely peaceful.

Of course, there is no guarantee that your husband (wife), so as not to upset or irritate you, will immediately rush to fulfill your request. But in this situation you will probably avoid a confrontation. And, besides, you will have a chance that he (she) will at least think about it.

It is quite possible that peaceful remarks will not bring the desired effect. Well, take it for granted. After all, a shirt thrown on a chair is not worth making a fuss about.

Exercise

1. Make a list of the sarcastic comments you make about certain qualities of your partner.

2. Formulate these comments differently, according to the scheme - “I experience such and such feelings when you do such and such.”

3. When talking to your partner, try to use the phrases you formulated.

9. DON'T THREATEN YOUR PARTNER

Marriage has extremely high potential - both creative and destructive. The most tender, the most strong love can degenerate into hatred. And hatred becomes the cause of violent confrontation. If this happens, revenge is put at the forefront, and the only thing the warring parties strive for is complete and unconditional victory over the enemy. The weapons in such family conflicts are threats and violence.

A married couple who has reached this stage of relationship development can only be advised to do one thing - immediately seek professional help to save the marriage. If we are talking about physical violence, the only way out is to seek protection in relevant organizations.

A woman who uses threats in her vocabulary is actually suffering from a deep mental wound inflicted on her by her husband. Not knowing other ways to relieve her pain, she wants to make the offender suffer the same way she suffers. If the desire to get even with your partner is stronger than the desire to understand the situation, this means that you are only one step away from a crisis in the relationship. If deep down you still want to save your marriage, take it as " last call”, notifying you that you should urgently stop and reconsider your positions.

Most people are unable to withstand a violent and destructive struggle. Therefore, serious confrontation must be extinguished at the initial stages of the conflict. If you really want your marriage to be built on love and harmony, impose a strict ban on any threats, never intimidate your partner and, especially, do not use “measures” of physical violence against him. No matter how strong and justified your anger is.

To avoid misunderstandings, let me clarify: a threat is any statement, gesture or action intended to cause emotional or physical pain to a partner.

I had to provide psychological assistance to married couples who constantly used the method of threats. Usually in such cases, I ask each of the conflicting parties the same question: “Do you really want to hurt each other?” And, as a rule, I hear in response: “No, of course. I just get so excited when he (she) doesn’t understand me that I lose control of myself.”

Pain and disappointment force many couples to resort to physical and emotional violence. But remember that if you choose this path, you will not be able to protect yourself. You risk ruining all the best that is in your relationship with your partner, and this will inevitably lead the family to collapse.

Exercise

If you are angry with your partner, you first need to get rid of excess aggression. Several actions available to everyone will help you achieve this.

1. Go to a room where no one will disturb you, take a pillow and hit it with your hands or a tennis racket until you feel your anger running out. You might even want to scream while you're beating the pillow. Just make sure that no one hears you.

2. Then, on a piece of paper, write down everything that angers you about your partner. Start each sentence with the words: “I am outraged that you...”.

10. DON'T LOOK FOR ALLIES

Conflicting partners instinctively behave like two states at war. Both sides are trying to find allies to strengthen their positions. The only difference is that countries at war with each other are guided by strategic security considerations and protect their people, and spouses at war with each other unconsciously seek support.

The person who experiences the greatest discomfort and uncertainty in marriage eventually moves away from his partner and finds support among the people around him. In professional psychological language this is called “creating a triangle.”

For example, a wife who feels that her husband does not love her, beginning to suffer from loneliness, may become more attached than usual to one of her children - in order to drown out the resentment and find at least a little happiness.

This choice is fraught with many dangers. Children tend to have keen senses. And now a child who finds himself in such a situation sympathizes with his mother and pays more attention to her. He is torn between mom and dad, and resentment is born in him that he has to take care of his own parents.

Sometimes because of this, a teenager, subconsciously trying to stabilize the relationship between parents, becomes rebellious and behaves defiantly. You might think that a child's brain has a hypersensitive radar, capable of picking up on parents' dissatisfaction with the marriage and each other, and making Mom and Dad forget about the problems in their relationship and turn to him because he is a bad student or uses drugs. There is truly no limit to the ingenuity of a child trying to distract his parents from finding out the bitter truth about their marriage.

As long as such a “triangle” exists, married couple will not be able to understand the cause of the conflict separating them. The triangle prevents spouses from returning to true love and understanding. However, it is extremely difficult for one of the partners, as well as his “ally,” to abandon the special “saving” relationship that has arisen between them.

The only cure for the desire to create a “triangle” is trust and intimacy. The problem is that it is extremely difficult for spouses whose relationship is already damaged by conflicts and suspicions to start over. If there is no trust between two people, how to build trusting relationship?

The challenge below will help you get started in the right direction.

Exercise

1. Determine who exactly your allies are in the “war” with your partner, and try to reduce the level of emotional dependence on this person.

2. Face the truth and answer the question: what exactly is missing in your marriage? Write down anything you're unhappy with and note what changes you'd like to make in the way you communicate. For example, if you don’t have time to be alone with each other. Here you can write: “I would like us to spend one evening a week together - just me and him.”

4. After a few days, try talking to your partner about your writing. If he agrees with you on the main “points,” you both can begin working to save your family. You may need to seek professional help for complete success. If your partner doesn't mind, find a competent marriage specialist and feel free to make an appointment with him.

All ten tips we've covered in this article are based on one premise: for a marriage to be successful, partners must have certain skills and abilities that can be acquired by anyone.

Building a successful marriage is a completely achievable goal for most married couples who care about their family relationships. The main thing is that they agree to devote their lives to mastering the art of love and happiness.

Material from the website of the international Jewish religious organization Esh HaTorah aish . com

Dr. Michael Tobin, psychologist, director of the Training Institute religious family and marriage counselors

Any relationship in the world arises from the communication of the masculine and feminine principles. They deepen in marriage, pass different stages and periods of crisis.One of the postulates of family psychology sounds like this: the weather in the house depends on both partners, on the depth of their communication, awareness of their responsibilities and fulfillment of them. If spouses value each other and strive to save the family, they will have to overcome the stages of cooling the relationship and direct opposition of interests. However, they are expected as a reward real love, friendship, deep understanding and respect for each other.

Stages of development and levels of family relationships between husband and wife

The stages of development of family relationships can be called:

Family relationships between husband and wife have their own levels:

Level name	Peculiarities
Falling in love, relationship chemistry, sweets and bouquets	Strong attraction to each other. Ignoring your partner's character flaws. The desire to conquer, to conquer. Only attributes and appearance are taken into account.
Grinding and nagging, addiction	Noticing your partner's shortcomings. Defending your interests, life values, priorities. Conflicts and quarrels, confrontations between husband and wife. The first doubts about the correctness of the choice, thoughts of divorce. Often a breakdown in relationships.
Compromise, stability of family relationships	Awareness of the impossibility of living in the mode of the previous stage leads spouses to develop the skills to negotiate and find a way to solve problems that is convenient for everyone. The model of behavior in the family is changing - spouses choose equality, matriarchy or patriarchy.
Boredom, routine, routine	Predictability of the partner’s words and actions. Fatigue, lack of a surge of emotions and joy from communicating with each other. Loss of meaning in family relationships. Thoughts about adventures on the side and, often, their implementation.
Maturity	In relationships there is awareness, gratitude for the shared experience of overcoming difficulties, respect, and common interests. The development of fear of loneliness forces spouses to stick to each other.

Crises in family relationships

Crises in family relationships, if left without a constructive solution, inevitably lead to the degradation of both partners in every sense and even to the death of one of them (more details in the article:). People lose their human face and descend into antisocial behavior, rudeness and assault.

Table of crises in family relationships and their characteristics:

Crises, no.	Dominant character traits		Characteristic
Crises, no.	husband	Wives	Characteristic
1	Irritation		Appears at the disgust stage. The husband relaxes, his life is monotonous, there is no global goal. The woman feels this and makes scandals. She does not accept monotony, she requires the development and satisfaction of new desires.
2	Aggression	Stealth	The lack of aspirations in a man causes the heart to close in a woman. She stops opening her thoughts to him and speaking openly about her desires. At the same time, in her head she gradually replaces her husband with the image ideal man. The husband senses this and goes wild. His aggression spills out in everything, in every little thing. The wife gets scared, avoids such situations, her secrecy increases.
3	Greed	Deceit	The husband perceives his wife’s betrayal, even at the level of thoughts, in such a way that he stops caring about her and shows greed. She tries to come up with loopholes to maintain the family’s previous standard of living, and stoops to lies.
4	Cruelty	Envy	A man degrades to the point of using obscenities against his wife and children. In a number of cases, he begins to raise his hand against them. Such behavior completely disappoints a woman in her ability to become happy, she becomes a gossip. She is interested in the lives of other people, especially happily married ones. She does not hesitate to discuss and humiliate her husband in conversations with strangers.
5	Pickiness	Rough speech	The crisis is dangerous because the spouses begin to disintegrate as individuals. The wife becomes coarse with her heart, emotions, and speech. Swear words and insults are increasingly heard from her lips. Her husband answers her in kind; he finds fault with everything she does and how she looks. This is unbearable to hear normal psyche. Raised quarrels become constant.
6	Jonah	Fears	A crisis from which the couple cannot escape. She loses everything - property, friends, work, contact with relatives. A man has problems with alcohol and health. He feels like a complete failure in life. The wife experiences an animal fear at the thought of being left alone. She tolerates her husband's inappropriate behavior and harsh words just to stay together.

Family psychology gives another classification of crises depending on the number of years lived:

3 years, when the family is replenished with a child. Spouses switch to new stage development, become parents, learn to interact with each other in these roles.
7 years – coincides with the stage of satiety. Character and habits are studied, a person becomes predictable in his actions. There is a high probability of cheating to gain new sensations.
The midlife crisis of the spouses. They are driven by fears that some goals remain unattainable. There is a desire to break family ties and start new page own life.
Children leaving home. The couple realizes that they have done everything important in life, it’s time to live in peace for themselves. Spouses can move to the suburbs and go on a trip together.

Rules for a happy marriage

In the psychology of family life, there are postulates that underlie relationships happy men and married women. There are so many couples, so many secrets of happiness in their families. However there is general rules, without which the rest lose relevance and strength:

Conflicts in the family and ways to resolve them

As follows from the stages of development of relationships and crises in families, conflict situations are inevitable. Spouses will quarrel, argue, discuss in a raised tone, and possibly make a scandal. The reasons for conflicts are:

different views on a problem or issue;
mastering new roles, for example, after the birth of a child;
everyday problems;
difficulties in the professional sphere, for example, the husband’s low salary, the difference in the level of pay between men and women in favor of the second;
intolerance for the partner's shortcomings.

However, the destructive consequences of such situations can be avoided if you are able to resolve conflict issues in a timely manner. The methods could be:

ask for forgiveness, apologize first, regardless of who initiated it;
a joint visit to a family psychologist;
dialogue in calm tones, turning into reconciliatory sex.

Create new family quite easy - you just need to submit an application and just sign at the registry office. You don't even have to attend a wedding to do this. But not everyone knows what to do next, like between husband and wife after marriage.

Preliminary discussion

What is needed to avoid surprises after the wedding? It’s simple, you can try to discuss all the nuances of your future family life, or you can even try to live together and see if life is easy for the couple. This will make it clear whether the relationship between husband and wife will be able to improve normally after the wedding ceremony.

Everyone knows the old saying that the husband is the head and the wife is the neck. You shouldn’t resist this, because it’s even more likely folk wisdom than just a saying. It follows from this that only a woman should lead family life. But this does not mean that only women do household chores: cook, clean, do laundry. Roles in the house should be distributed equally (unless, of course, the wife is a housewife). It won’t be at all difficult for a man to wash dishes every day and help with cleaning on the weekend. But the husband must be taught to do this; after all, in his parents’ family he might not have done this.

Conflicts

None normal relationship between husband and wife will not develop without conflicts; there will always be something that will cause an argument or indignation of one half of the couple. How to behave correctly in such situations? There are a huge number of options, but there are a couple of very practical tips. Even if you need to think with your head, completely turning it off will save the couple from many protracted quarrels. Also, in the heat of conflict, there is no need to hit your loved one in the most painful places; this is easy to do, but then you will have to clean it all up. Well, one more piece of advice: in a quarrel you should not involve the relatives of your significant other, no matter how harmful they may be. All the same, for the partner, they have been and will remain family; you should not “hit” what is most precious to you.

What other advice can psychology give? Everything will be fine between husband and wife when the couple has a common hobby and they can spend free time and relax together. It is also good to have a common circle of friends for this. After all, a couple should support each other not only in grief, but also in joy. But here it is also important not to overdo it, because each partner in a couple also needs a separate rest, let’s say “a break from each other.” Therefore, running away from your soul mate is not only possible, but also necessary. But it’s always better to let your loved one know when you want to relax alone, so as not to needlessly disturb him.

Confidence

No normal relationship between husband and wife can be built without trust. Always and in everything. If someone has a secret, this, one might say, is the beginning of the end. But here it is also worth separating the zones. There are special things that your partner simply doesn’t need to know about; you shouldn’t let your loved one in there. The rest is only trust and no secrets.

Problem solving

And one more very important piece of advice. In order for the relationship between husband and wife to be normal, all conflicts that arise must be resolved. They cannot be avoided or put off. If you don’t like something or are not happy with it, everything needs to be “put on the table” right away. And if you accumulate grievances and grief, and then dump everything en masse on your lover, this will not make anyone feel better. Everything is on time and in order, then peace, tranquility and mutual understanding will reign in the family.

Modern marriages are increasingly ending in divorce. This is due not only to economic progress, thanks to which the family has ceased to be a way of survival: a girl can provide for herself, and a man can arrange his personal life. Having children out of wedlock or single-parent families is no longer frowned upon by society, and the divorce procedure is easier than ever. Therefore, the psychology of family relationships as a science that examines family problems, as well as ways to preserve it, has become especially relevant.

Stages of development of family relationships between husband and wife

Family relationships are not a static state, but a continuously developing process. Crises and conflicts are as much a part of it as love or respect. Any development is unthinkable without abandoning old forms and rules, so spouses need to be prepared for changes. Any couple goes through several stages of a relationship, each of which lasts several months or years:

Falling in love or the “candy-bouquet” period. This is the time when a man and a woman try to conquer each other and, under the influence of passion, tend to idealize and have high expectations for family life. The shortcomings of the other half are either not noticed at all or are perceived biasedly. A significant role is given to external data, behavior, and social status of the partner.
Getting used to it or getting used to it. The couple has already been living together for some time, and everyone’s priorities, life values and interests come to the fore. Inconsistencies in these matters put two people in a position of opposition; quarrels and conflicts are a frequent companion in relationships. If a man or woman is unable to accept and understand each other, divorce is inevitable.
Compromises. If the couple has successfully overcome the previous stage, the time has come for stable family relationships. This does not always guarantee satisfaction for both partners, because... a compromise is reached in the family different ways(equality, submission, humility, pressure, etc.) - each spouse chooses and plays his own role, which suits everyone to one degree or another.
Ordinary and routine. Gradually, family relationships lose passion and become predictable. Boredom in communication is just as dangerous as an explosion of emotions in the previous ones. Spouses get tired of each other, lose the point of continuing family relationships, and begin to look for adventures on the side.
Mature family. If a man and woman have successfully overcome the first 4 levels, the time comes for conscious family relationships, which are not always based on love. Often, the cement of such relationships is mutual respect, experience of overcoming difficulties together, common interests (including material ones), as well as fear of loneliness.

Crises in the family

A crisis in family life is an inevitable transition to a new stage of relationships. There is no need to be afraid of this, but it is worth preparing, learning to make concessions and taking responsibility if you have the goal of saving your family. Experts identify several periods of family relationships:

The first year of family life is when internal and external boundaries of the family are formed and established, and the characters and habits of men and women are adjusted.
From the 3rd to the 5th year - as a rule, at this time the first child appears, the housing issue is resolved, and joint expensive property is acquired. There is a redistribution of roles (spouses-parents), new responsibilities and new responsibilities appear. Falling in love develops into friendship or habit.
From the 7th to the 9th year - the children grew up, everything “settled down”. There appears fatigue from each other, satiety in sex and joint habits, a sense of routine in everyday life and communication, disappointment in expectations that were not realized.
From the 15th to the 20th year - children grow up and separate from parental family, career reaches a certain peak. There is a feeling that everything has been achieved, it is unclear where to move next. This period often coincides with a midlife crisis in a man or woman (40 years old), which also gives rise to uncertainty in future relationships.

Adultery (Why do spouses cheat on each other)

Cheating can happen at any stage of a family relationship. Occasionally, the reason for a man’s drinking spree becomes banal physical attraction combined with low moral principles (when the desire to get pleasure “here and now” exceeds the sense of family duty to his wife). However, much more often, factors such as:

sexual dissatisfaction or boredom in bed;
lack of self-confidence, the need to recognize one’s attractiveness in the eyes of the opposite sex;
lack of spiritual intimacy, mental loneliness, when “there is no one to talk to”;
violation of personal space, the need to feel free;
tense family situation, need for psychological release, need to relieve stress;
need for protection: the family is not a support system, one of the partners does not feel stability (in money or feelings) and tries to find it on the side.

If a person receives everything he needs in a family relationship (love, respect, sexual satisfaction, recognition, understanding, care, physical and mental rest, stability), the desire to look for someone on the side does not arise. Not everyone is able to forgive betrayal, but trying to prevent such a turn of events is the task of both spouses.

How to build trusting relationships?

A strong family- this is always the work of a man and a woman, because in order to build trusting, close relationships and maintain a marriage long years, love alone is not enough. Respect and the ability to compromise are the main keys to family happiness. Another secret of the psychology of happy relationships - you shouldn’t try to avoid family quarrels, because this is almost unrealistic, it is better to learn how to properly resolve conflicts that arise. Experts in the psychology of family relationships offer the following advice for those who want to save their family:

show your love as often as possible (if not in words, then in actions);
do not try to change your other half - this is pressure that sooner or later will be met with hostility;
do not compare your spouse with anyone - each person is individual;
don’t be silent about the problems that concern you (your significant other, most likely, has no idea what’s in your head, and playing the silent game is a dead end).

If it comes to a quarrel, psychology experts advise remembering:

there is no need to generalize and recall old grievances;
say only what you intended to say (be specific);
restrain your emotions (an offensive word spoken in the heat of the moment is remembered for a long time);
know how to forgive.

Video: Why does conflict arise in marriage?

Understanding the psychology of family conflict is the first step to resolving it. After watching this video, you will learn about the psychological reasons for difficulties in the family. The point of view and advice of experts will tell you how to understand your partner during a period of crisis, what to do to successfully overcome conflicts in family relationships.