How to reach the consciousness of a difficult child. How to reach a child's consciousness? Time to complete

“My child doesn’t hear me”, “I have to repeat everything several times”, “He is distracted from his work only when you shout at him” - you can often hear complaints of this kind from adults. But, trying to “reach out” to the child, parents use “adult” methods that the baby is not yet able to understand. Therefore, in order to be heard, it is necessary to explain everything in a language understandable to the baby. This is where moms and dads run into problems because they can’t find . As a result, some turn to psychologists for help, some look for advice on forums, and some follow the instructions of the older generation. In this article, we have collected recommendations from child psychologists that will allow parents to establish communication with their children without screaming and unnecessary nerves.

1. Eye contact

The child is immersed in the game. At the same time, one of the parents asks him to do something. The adult is fully confident that the baby can hear him. However, even if the child heard something, he did not attach much importance to it (after all, the game is much more interesting), and continues to go about his business. Then the adult has to repeat it again and again, starting to scream, so that the baby finally “deigns” to be distracted and listen. But all because there was no eye contact between him and the parent. Therefore, first, make sure that the child can definitely hear and listen to you (look him in the eyes, touch him, you can even take him by the hand), and only then state your wishes or instructions. To be completely sure, you can ask the child to repeat what was assigned to him (thus, he will give, as it were, an instruction to himself, and in this case he will carry it out much more willingly).

2. Everything at once

Having returned from a walk with the child, the parent turns to him: “Undress, wash your hands and sit down to eat.” For an adult, the phrase is quite common, but the baby is at a loss: while he was realizing one instruction, he was given two more. As a result, he stands in the hallway, not knowing what to do next. And then it begins: “Didn’t you hear?”, “How long have you been waiting?”, “Should I repeat it again?” Perhaps the child would happily do everything that was told to him, but if the tasks were set sequentially, one after another. All instructions given to the baby immediately, in passing, only mislead him. Therefore, it is recommended to break the order into several, and give the next one only after completing the previous one (“Take off your clothes”, “Well done, go wash your hands”, “Okay, now eat”).

3. No ambiguity

“Do you like wearing a soiled sweater?” “Will you walk around the house in dirty shoes for a long time?” - such phrases are clear and understandable to adults, but not to children. They do not yet know all the intricacies of language and speech, so they perceive similar phrases literally, that is, as approval, and not as a hint to stop the action. In order for a child to finish doing something, you need to tell him about it directly, clearly, clearly, without ambiguity. “Change your jacket”, “Take off your dirty shoes” - everything is precise, without hints.

4. Extra words

“Stop indulging in food immediately! Did you forget the last time you spilled soup on your pants? Do you want to get dirty again?” Of course, the parents’ desire to stop their child’s mischief is understandable - the consequences are obvious, and this is not the first time it has been repeated. However, the child simply forgets, trying to absorb such a large amount of information, what was originally discussed and what should be done. Therefore, there is no need to remember the past or scare the future - it is much better to evaluate and give advice on what is being done in this moment actions. A child lives in the present - it is much easier for him to understand information related to a specific situation and draw conclusions from it.

5. Raised tone

The adult repeats his request several times, but the baby does not react and continues to go about his business. Parent angry with child's behavior. The stunned kid says that he understood everything, will do everything and that this will not happen again. In fact, his goal is to stop the elder’s screaming and avert possible punishment from himself. Everything that was said to him, most likely, will remain so in words, because screaming only aggravates the situation: it causes anxiety, fear, which partially block mental activity (remember your state when your boss starts screaming - as if you are falling into a stupor, getting lost ). That's why desired result It's quite difficult to achieve by raising your voice. In addition, seeing such a reaction, the child can deliberately provoke, “bring out emotions.”

6. Time to complete

In the mind of an adult, any request must be fulfilled by the child immediately. Only here we again forget that we are not dealing with a peer, but with a baby who needs a little time to start doing it. And it is precisely this time for “switching” that adults often do not give the child. For example, a child is sliding down a slide when his parents say it’s time to go home. An activity that is interesting for the child will have to be interrupted, and he does not want to do this at all. So he continues to ride until his parents get angry and force him off the slide. The result is tears, screaming, ruined mood. However, if you give the child a little time to do what was said (in this case, you can allow him to slide down the slide a few more times, and then go), everything can be resolved peacefully.

7. Particle “not”

“Don’t run through puddles!”, “Don’t touch the dog!”, “Don’t eat dirty fruit!” - most instructions from adults begin with the particle “not.” However, children's brains are known to miss it unconsciously. Therefore, the child happily fulfills the completely opposite call to action. In turn, parents regard this behavior of the child as done “out of spite,” contrary to the words of the elders, but the child sincerely cannot understand what is wrong and why adults scold him. The solution is quite simple: just remove it and rephrase it a little: “Can you help me wash the fruit?”, “Let’s go around this big puddle along this narrow curb.” As a result, both the baby is safe and the adults are calm.

8. Overprotectiveness

“Don’t go there...”, “Don’t touch that...”, “Don’t run there...”, “Get off immediately...” - overprotection is not uncommon, as parents fear for the baby and turn their fear into constant control. Of course, constantly hearing certain instructions, the child simply gets used to them over time, regarding them as background. As a result, they all remain unattended. This does not suit the adults, and they begin to “teach” the unfortunate baby. In this situation, you can try to begin to control yourself, count how many comments you make to your child in a certain time (per hour, during a walk on the street, per day). Perhaps there are too many of them in the baby’s life. If the fear for him is so great, then it would be better to simply be nearby when the child is active: hold him when he climbs the slide, when he feeds the ducks. This is much better than constantly pulling back.

9. Listen and hear

As we see, in order to be heard by a child, it is not at all necessary to shout at him, pull him back, or repeat him several times. It's enough to find the right approach. This will certainly save energy, time, and nerves. And not only adults, but also the baby himself.

Vladimir Manulenko

It is enough to show it once, and he will go to the potty as soon as he needs it. And the other, understanding everything, will continue to dirty their panties and the floor. You can scold the child, spank him, force him to wipe, but there will be no result.

Many outraged parents do not understand that each child has an individual ability and speed to perceive and translate this perception into action. That's why parents allow themselves to raise their voices at their children. After all, the child does not behave at all the way he should behave, according to adults. In addition, parents are afraid that the child will get used to behaving this way, and therefore they believe that he constantly needs to be taught, disciplined, and educated. So as not to get used to it. With this approach, the child is heavily overloaded with unnecessary prohibitions, and the necessary information reaches his consciousness with difficulty, or does not reach him at all.

Physical and moral impact on the child- this is a dead end path. Because sooner or later the child stops perceiving this influence and stops responding to it.

In those relationships with a child where it is allowed, there is no room for trust and mutual respect.

Therefore, you need to find in your child his personal path of understanding, through which you can convey to him certain rules of behavior and communication and other necessary information. Every mother can do this, no matter what difficult child she didn't have one.

First you need to understand that every difficult child has a need to explore the world , and this need is deeper than that of ordinary children. And that’s why they are considered “difficult” - they break everything, tear it off, throw it, climb everywhere. In order for the child to express himself freely, it is necessary to reduce the amount. Only in this case will all of the following give results.

Don't be afraid that your child will get used to the fact that there are fewer restrictions. He can only get used to the fact that his mother accepts him for who he is. In addition, you have already seen that most of the prohibitions did not give the desired result, and the child did everything in defiance or did not do it at all.

Of course, this is not about leaving everything to chance. But mom’s conniving behavior has a double meaning. Firstly, the child learns to be responsible for his behavior and take responsibility for it. Secondly, tension disappears in the relationship between the child and the mother, the child ceases to expect that any of his actions can cause dissatisfaction on the part of the parents. But do not forget that connivance must be reasonable.

This tactic will not immediately bring the desired result. Perhaps, out of surprise, the child will think that the wonderful time of permissiveness will soon end, and will begin to “have a blast.” You need to wait it out.

Parallel to mother and other family members you need to start talking to your child.

Parents sometimes underestimate conversations with their children. Of course, all parents communicate with their children. But with difficult children, in addition to simple conversations, you need to talk in a specific way. If, for example, a child committed a bad act (broke a cup), there is no need to record this event on the child. There is no need to associate a broken cup with a child. Those. you shouldn't say which one bad baby I broke such a beautiful cup. You need to calmly and affectionately talk about what such an act has led or can lead to.

You can try to make such conversations similar to fairy tales that adults tell children. At the same time, the mother tries to get from the child not only the role of a listener, but also the role of an active participant in the conversation. It is necessary to use various receptors - taste, tactile, touch, smell. Depending on the situation, you can have conversations in different scenarios, ask different questions and find answers to them together with your child.

There is no need to despair if the child’s behavior does not change, and conversations have been going on for several days or even weeks. This method works very gently and gradually. Do not forget that each child has a different speed of transition from understanding to action. A child may already know and understand everything, but cannot yet show it through his behavior. Mom should trust her baby!

Why don't the words reach them?

A mother and her eight-year-old daughter are walking. The girl tries to tell her mother about the horse in the village, but her mother curses and exclaims in her heart: “What a village, what a horse, why are you fooling me!”

And it must be so coincidental! - an hour later I had to hear a remark from another mother. She addressed her fourteen-year-old daughter: “You are hiding everything from me, as if I am not your mother, but a stranger!” How useful it would be for the mother of an eight-year-old girl to hear these words! It is easy to foresee their dialogue in a few years. Interest, or rather disinterest in the conversation, will turn 180 degrees.

Age 14-16 years - scissor crosshairs. Here the signs of the need of parents and children for each other often change. Before this, children often cannot reach their still young parents, who do not manage to fully surrender to the joys of life. And then the grown sons and daughters don’t know how to get rid of their parents so that they don’t pester them. You can observe the following dependence: The more children were a burden to their parents in their childhood, the more the children will later neglect their parents.

Therefore, we appeal to those who have just had children: if you don’t want to bite your elbows and fight with grown-up children, appreciate in the first ten years of a child’s life the need for you and his touching gullibility, unbridled and all-consuming craving for you.

But do we know how to talk to children? In particular, how effective are our soul-saving conversations with teenagers? What is the mistake if the boy does not react to our words at all?

Everything is individual, but there are some general principles, about which it is harmless to remind. But first, what to avoid.

1. Do not try to prove something when at least one of the participants in the dialogue is in an excited state. It’s better to silently glare angrily and retire to another room, leaving a serious conversation for later.

2. Do not start serious conversations casually, when one of the participants in the conversation is in a hurry somewhere, when the offspring is busy with something serious, or when strangers are present. By carelessly throwing remarks in a clearly inappropriate environment, we devalue the subject of the conversation.

3. Wanting to convince our successor of something, we often get carried away and talk too much, hoping that out of large quantity At least there will be some words left. But the essence is drowned in the stream of words, Parental monologues begin to be perceived as the annoying noise of a droning loudspeaker. For example, a seven-year-old child finds it completely difficult to perceive a phrase of more than seven words.

Sometimes it makes sense when a topic is touched upon seemingly by chance, by the way, in continuation of a previous conversation that was interesting to the offspring. Indirect influence is effective, for example, when discussing other people and their destinies, movies, books read.

4. Another common flaw: Every day we itch about the same thing. And the son or daughter adapts to these comments. Where boringness begins, our authority ends.

If the boy does not respond to our words, it is reasonable to change tactics, break the stereotype of behavior with a son or daughter, to react to his (her) actions differently than he (s) expects. For example, when your son or daughter returns later than you would like, instead of the remark “where are you, but I probably didn’t do your homework,” say a remark like “it’s so good that you came, now we’ll have dinner.” If there were a lot of words, suddenly stop all conversations on a burning topic. The very suddenness of a change in behavior, the significant silence of a parent, can alert a teenager, asking what else he is up to, and involuntarily soften his position.

You can even conduct an experiment: extend the silence regarding the “sick” topic for two weeks. In general, it is better to act in waves: press, release, press, release. That is, on the first day he made a remark, on the second he remained silent, on the third he said it again...

Sometimes it is more useful not to react ponderously and straightforwardly to the remarks of your children, but to reduce the significance of their statements and actions. And here the best remedy It’s hard to think of anything other than irony, a good joke.

5. When refusing something to our son or daughter, we sometimes put forward too many arguments. Lengthy justifications reduce the significance of the refusal itself and weaken the parent’s position. The teenager gets the impression that the parent is refusing for personal, subjective reasons and is trying his best to disguise them as objective ones. It is better to make one or two arguments, but the most compelling and reliably substantiated ones.

6. Often we, expressing dissatisfaction with the behavior of our offspring, We lump together problems of different scale and nature: coming home at midnight, abandoned socks, bad grades at school, rough treatment of the dog, unclean shoes, etc. In his eyes, all this merges into a common emotional background of rejection by his parents. In every conversation, you need to highlight one thing, the most important.

How to have a conversation

First of all, you need to speak in a respectful tone, weightily, briefly, but slowly, even with pauses, to allow the offspring to assimilate what was said. The more significant the topic of conversation, the more important it is to give it weight, to make it clear that the parent is very concerned about the issue. Start the conversation in the most appropriate environment, when the phone is unlikely to ring, when football or a television series are not tempting you. It’s better to have such a conversation by inviting your son (daughter) for a walk in the park, or before going to bed, unless, of course, you get excited and don’t get excited at night. Let’s say, sit on the edge of the bed (this will give your offspring a fleeting, but certainly sweet, nostalgic feeling that will soften his soul and make him more receptive) and talk about how you can help (“we are the closest people”) in solving problems son or daughter.

If the offspring, by inertia, snaps, ignore it and make a conciliatory gesture (pat the shoulder, stroke the arm, hair, etc.). And ask affectionately and semi-ironically something like “is it difficult to live in this world?” Your starting position: if a son (daughter) does this, it means there are some reasons for this, we need to identify them together with him (her) and try to eliminate them together. Therefore, you need to listen to him (her) carefully. After this, decide up to what point you can compromise (at least some is highly desirable), make it clear that you have internalized the entire argument of the offspring. And then calmly, but clearly and confidently express your position, taking into account the compromise “retreat”, but do not move from this position.

If you can’t get something from a teenager, it’s useful to play role reversal. For example, say “imagine that you are a mother (or father), your son (daughter) stubbornly does not want to clean up after himself in the bathroom (or do something else): what would you do? in this case?"

"Happiness is when you are understood"

A mother and a boy are walking. We stopped. Mom: “Get all that crap out of your pockets!” And a matchbox, probably with a very beautiful label, a button, a round piece of brick for drawing and other valuables went into the urn. There is suffering on the boy's face. He trudges dejectedly behind his mother, everything is uninteresting to him now. Mom forgot that her pockets were once filled with the same “rubbish.”

We adults often do not realize that young children experience quite serious dramas and emotional storms over issues that seem trivial to us. A car ran over a pigeon, a boy called him names in the yard, he lost a beautiful pebble, his friend betrayed him and started hanging out with Masha, etc. - if the parents’ reaction to all this is superficial, careless, or even rude, then it is very possible that the child will withdraw into himself, lose trust in adults, and be afraid to share his impressions and experiences with them.

“It’s better that my mother scolds me, but understands me,” said one boy.

Misunderstanding of their child, inability and unwillingness to look at reality through his eyes, to delve into his problems is the most common problem of parents. The further the actual internal state of a teenager diverges from the parents’ idea of ​​this state, the more hypocrisy, pretense, secrecy, or indifference, hostility towards parents seeps into his behavior. How many unnecessary quarrels happen because they assess the reality surrounding a teenager from their own bell tower! After a conflict, when you come to your senses, it is always useful to replay it, like a movie, again in your memory, to imagine what the child feels.

Here are a few more techniques for better understanding your son or daughter.

Walk with your son (daughter) some route, for example, from home to a department store, and try to describe what you saw through his (her) eyes (and he or she may try to do the same as if through your eyes). It is also useful to evaluate through the eyes of a successor (or each other) a film watched, a picture seen at the opening day, a certain person, etc.

Return more often to your childhood, in which your son (daughter) is. Get out the diaries, letters, photographs, drawings of your adolescence. Play a record or cassette that you loved listening to at that age. In a word, create, preferably in complete privacy, the atmosphere of the time when you were 13-17 years old.

Try to objectively compare your son (daughter) and yourself at his (her) age, compare your characters, different aspects of life, achievements. If you approach impartially, your successor will probably be better than you in some ways, more advanced than you were at his (her) age. And after such an excursion into the past, come to your son (daughter) and tell about your adolescence. The more often we remember our childhood, the better we understand our children.

Every parent can test himself to see how well he knows his children. To do this, you can create a questionnaire. The mother answers the questionnaire for her daughter, how she feels about different problems being. And the daughter answers the same questions herself. The questions can be different: to what extent does the daughter consider herself happy (for example, on a 10-point scale), how does she evaluate her character, to whom would she first tell her deepest secret, what is the happiest and most terrible day in her life, than I would like to study when I become an adult, how many children I want to have, etc. It’s interesting to compare the answers later.

Only by your own example - and this must be done as early as possible - can you encourage children to understand other people, teach them to show sympathy, empathy, condolences and other “commons”, without which the life of a family and society is impossible.

Respecting parents is a necessity

A teenage girl makes fun of her uncle and tries to prick him, especially in the presence of other people. Where does this dislike come from? When she was little, her uncle often interrupted her: “Be quiet, it’s none of your business!”, “Know your place when your elders speak,” etc. Why? Because the uncle himself did not feel respectable and mature next to other people.

One of the biggest misconceptions of representatives of the older generation is that they consider the most effective influence on a child to lower his status with remarks like “the milk on the lips is not dry”, “the pot is two inches away”, not realizing that by doing this they are lowering themselves first of all (remember, "well done against the sheep..."). The one who encroaches on social status teenager becomes his enemy, since his biggest task, on the contrary, is to look more significant. He is very jealous of his status in society. It makes much more sense when adults say something like “you’re such a serious person, and suddenly...”. The higher the self-esteem of parents, the higher it will be in children. For example, a person with high level self-respect will not stoop to calling his son a fool. There needs to be a feeling in the air in the house: people communicate here at a high ethical level.

So that you don’t have to fight to defend your rights when your son or daughter reaches adolescence, the child needs to understand from childhood that respect for personal rights and human dignity is a mutual process.

These are the rights: to be treated with respect; on your own opinion; for mutual assistance; on the inviolability of personal belongings; for peace and quiet within reasonable limits; on relationships with other people who have not compromised themselves in any way; as a type of rest of one’s own choice, if it does not cause harm to oneself or someone else, etc. Each family can add items that are relevant to it to this list. “Legal” relations in the family sharply reduce the likelihood that children will cause serious trouble and damage to their parents.

Some parents say: “When he grows up to be a person, he becomes a person, then we will respect him. Respect must still be earned.” But this means putting the cart before the horse. It is respect for the child’s personality for the fact that he is a person, and not a bug on a stalk, that creates the basis united by the concept of “a worthy person.”

The attitude of a son or daughter towards their parents at the beginning of adolescence often changes towards rudeness and rudeness because the aura of exclusivity that previously hovered over the father and mother disappears before his eyes. Before this, his parents were the unquestioned authority, since he heard few other opinions. And here they sharply decline to the level of ordinary people with their weaknesses. And the son or daughter at first cannot come to terms with the disappearance of the “halo” of impeccability, involuntarily blaming the parents themselves for this and very painfully perceiving the fact that, it turns out, there is nothing to idolize them for.

Parents should prepare for the moment of “epiphany” of their children, for a period of increased criticality towards them and other people, pull themselves up, and try not to commit reprehensible acts. And they often, on the contrary, reduce the demands on themselves, as if urging children to quickly become disillusioned with themselves. In particular, the father takes a belt and beats his grown, proud daughter. But it is difficult to expect emotional return from a teenager if he is constantly busy with the problem of his psychological and physical protection.

When children at an older age take stock of what their parents gave them, as a rule, they value spiritual values ​​rather than material ones.