The husband doesn't know whether to stay or go. Divorce and maiden name: is it worth cutting from the shoulder?

There are many reasons why life with a loved one becomes unbearable - from everyday incompatibility to serious disagreements in resolving vital issues. I'm not talking about minor frictions and one-time problems, and not about difficulties associated with basic misunderstandings or excessive demands of partners on each other. We will talk about those moments when love for a certain person comes into conflict with other serious needs, including those of a biological nature.

I can tell you about one couple who had an excellent relationship, there was a unity of views on all important life issues, and they had similar interests. Young people loved to discuss films, talk about philosophical and political topics and always came to agreement. But the young man was so careless in everyday life that it made the life of the girl (let’s call her Alla) unbearable; the lack of hygiene that he allowed seemed dangerous to her. The situation was aggravated by the fact that the young man was not indifferent to everyday life. He loved to cook something, but he would cut raw meat and vegetables for salad with one knife at the same time, leave the meat scraps on the table and go to work; in the summer, flies would fly through the open window because of the smell. When he came to the apartment, he never took off his street shoes, put dirty dishes in the bookcase... There were many peculiarities of the young man’s behavior in everyday life that simply tormented Alla. She tried to put everything in order, but it took too much time and effort - she had to do almost general cleaning every day. Exhortations, requests and reproaches had little effect. The young man listened to his beloved, tried to do as she wanted, but this only led to minor immediate results, since he had completely different ideas about what clean was, and an uncleaned room did not irritate him at all.

At a certain stage, they tried to solve the problem at the expense of the housekeeper. But both of them didn’t like the fact that a stranger was hanging around in the house, moving things around. A week later they refused the outside services, and everything returned to normal.

Living together with a sloppy young man made Alla irritable and nervous, but breaking up over such a trifle as everyday life, refusing to start a family with her lover in the presence of complete unity of souls seemed strange and impossible to her.

An example that has unfortunately become widespread in our time, making love unbearable, is a situation where two people date for a long time or even live together, but the girl wants to legitimize the relationship and have children, but the man does not want this. Moreover, tender love remains in the couple (if there was no love, there would be no problem). Years pass, and a woman’s hope of creating a full-fledged family becomes more and more elusive (at least it may seem so). More and more often the desire to leave comes. But this is not easy to do.

“...It turns out that there is no other way out except to leave him?” asks a girl who finds herself in such a situation. “I’m afraid that I won’t be able to. When we don’t communicate for a while, I feel very bad, I completely switch off from life.” ... Not everything is always bad with him. There are a lot of good things too... But my self-esteem is probably ... low. I depend on him too much, not financially, but in my soul..."

“Probably, I’m so fed up with all this that it would be easier without him,” another decides. “I think so now. I could be wrong. But I’m ready to run away anywhere from my current state...” (From the conference archive).

Another, no less glaring and typical example of the unbearability of living together concerns career (career is a broader concept than just earnings) and self-realization. Alas, lovers too often, instead of supporting each other in this area, only “put a spoke in the wheels.” This problem does not necessarily grow to a large scale. But if a person’s interest in his profession is very great, if he feels this or that calling, then love often becomes a tragedy for him. Here the “suffering” party can be both men and women.

I will give another historical example where love came into conflict with the sense of self-preservation. This story is beautifully described in the book by D. S. Merezhkovsky “Antichrist (Peter and Alexei).” And recently on TV screens one could watch the old film “Peter the Great”, where it was also reflected.

The son of Peter I, Tsarevich Alexei, and his beloved Euphrosyne were hiding abroad. Alexey Petrovich seriously angered his father and knew that Peter intended to deal with him. It was not possible to return the prince to Russia without his consent. Then a cunning manipulative technique was used - they decided to influence the fugitive through Euphrosyne. The uneducated girl succumbed to influence, wanted to return to her homeland and threatened Alexei that she would leave him if he did not go with her. The prince agreed, although he knew that he hardly had any hope of survival. At home, the heir was tortured and executed.

The uncertainty and precariousness of Alexei's position, who is out of favor with his parent, the need to make a choice - whether to oppose his homeland and father on the side of his enemies or to hide forever made him emotionally vulnerable, which increased his dependence on his beloved. This dependence became the final reason for his final choice, which was contrary to the instinct of self-preservation.

When love comes into conflict with various “essential” needs of a person, many blame the partner, themselves or fate. But is it anyone’s fault that people are different, they have different priorities and life goals? The emergence of even the most passionate love does not cancel these differences. Difficulties when creating a family union are natural.

However, in this case it is not correct to talk about a conflict of interests between two people. If life is with loved ones becomes unbearable, then the reason lies in the internal conflict of the one who suffers from the current situation. The interests and views of one person also conflict with each other. This is normal, no one is to blame for this. The phrase “harmonious personality,” fashionable in Soviet times, has little to do with reality; it is one of the socialist utopias. If someone manages to make a clear choice in a difficult situation, then one can only envy him. Usually the solution is given as a result of painful struggle.

“I love him, I want to start a family with him. But he thinks that first he should get involved in business, buy an apartment and see the world. I don’t mind, but my years are running out! What should I do?” - asks the young woman. From the outside it’s easy to give advice: “Leave him, and quickly!” But this is only from the outside, because an outsider understands the natural and logical desire to have a family, but does not experience the love that fills the heart of a suffering woman.

When you find yourself in a similar situation, attempts to talk with your loved one, come to an understanding, or otherwise influence him (screams, scandals, tears, ultimatums, partings), to put it mildly, do not give quite the effect that we would like. And resolving the issue through negotiations is only possible if we are talking about a misunderstanding of each other, and not about a true conflict of interests.

I repeat that the background to this conflict is always an internal conflict: “I want to be with him (her), and I want to have something (family, career, money, always a tidy apartment, security, etc., etc.) , but he (she) does not allow it to be received." If there were no internal problem, there would be no external one.

To get out of such a situation, you need to set priorities “within yourself”. This is not easy - if it were simple, everything would be decided by itself. I suggest using the seven step system.

The first step should be to identify those own interests or desires that are in conflict, and recognize (this is a very important point!) each of them has the right to exist. Girls, especially young ones, are often afraid to admit to themselves something completely natural: that they want to get married; strive for security; they love (and not just condescend to the one who seeks their love); need (alas, even in our time many deceive themselves that only men need this). Love for a specific person must be put on a par with those most important life aspirations, which it began to contradict.
Then you should try to determine on a conscious level what is more important. Reason, highlight the pros and cons of prioritizing one interest over another and vice versa. As a rule, this leads to nothing. Whatever we decide at this stage, we cannot act on it. But as an exercise, as a certain passing stage, it is useful.
The next task is to deal with emotional, unconscious preferences.
Imagine that one of the interests was realized at the expense of the other and vice versa. Imagine that this is for life, feel the situation.
One of my friends wanted to quit her job due to a conflict with her superiors. But she was frightened by the fear of not finding a new place. The problem was not resolved for a whole year. The woman continued to go to her old job, trying to find something new. But I didn’t find anything, which made me even more afraid of being left out of work. I advised her to imagine that she would remain at her old job for the rest of her life, until old age, and, accordingly, there would be no need to look for a new place. The woman took the advice and submitted her resignation the next day, and three weeks later she found a new job.
The second stage of working with your own emotions is to get rid of excessive destructive feelings.
The contradiction between love and the implementation of certain important life tasks is very often accompanied by a painful attachment to the object of love. It is this feeling that is the emotional background of the conflict; it makes the situation difficult to experience and does not allow the issue to be resolved consciously. It is difficult for a person experiencing any strong feeling, be it passion or fear of, to pull himself together and reason sensibly. Psychologists advise getting rid of painful attachment, as well as excessive and prolonged passion. A lot of different advice was given on how to do this. All methods can be divided into two categories.

The first would be called “wedge by wedge”. If you decide to resort to a similar method, it is not necessary to start a love affair “on the side”. This can be any activity that distracts from an exciting situation, a passion for anything: work, reading, a computer game. It is important here that the content of the activity does not remind you of an exciting problem. Don’t read romance novels, don’t watch melodramas, intellectual, exciting detective stories, action films, and science fiction are more suitable.

Another category of methods is bringing a keen feeling to the point of absurdity. What do passionately in love do, but want to “preserve their pride” or achieve something from their beloved? They constantly try to limit themselves in the expression of feelings. “I won’t call first, let him take the initiative!” “We’ll separate until he comes to his senses!” “I’ll give him an ultimatum - either let me achieve what I want, or let him get out!” Even if you manage to maintain a pause in the relationship, then the opposite effect occurs - passion flares up with renewed vigor, and this devalues in the eyes of the partner all efforts aimed at abstinence or creating the appearance of an ultimatum. I don't want to say that restraint or some form of "blackmailing" behavior is absolutely useless for establishing a relationship that would suit you. But if you tried two or three times and it didn’t work, you shouldn’t continue in the same spirit. Abuse of such methods will lead to only one thing - the partner will stop reacting to them and will calmly wait until the next “bizk” passes.

Before you give an ultimatum to someone else, give yourself an ultimatum to your feelings. Tell them: "Either you, or you!" If you realize that your will is not strong enough to make a final choice, the method of reducing the most acute feeling to the point of absurdity is just for you.

Do you love someone very much, are you too attached to them? Well, give yourself over to this feeling completely. Make time for this. Better to take a vacation. Two weeks will be enough. Spend as much time as possible with your loved one, serve, look after, and don’t object to anything. But don’t let the situation get to the point where he starts driving you away. If you feel like you are annoying, walk away, not with pride, not with defiance, but with the desire to do everything exactly as HE wishes. Be there - ready to serve. In the time you set aside for this, make as many sacrifices as possible for the sake of your love. This is not humiliating, you will not serve a man, but your feeling, which has the right to exist, like everything in you.

Alla from the above example decided to abandon any reproaches against her beloved. She began to spend exactly three times more time cleaning the apartment than if she lived alone. She tried not to get angry and always indulge her potential spouse. After 9 days, Alla was finally convinced that the apartment was steadily becoming overgrown with dirt, and there was no tendency for the process to reverse itself. The girl's excess feelings were spent fighting the desire to reproach her beloved, so she found the strength to move back to her parents. The relationship continued for some time. But soon Alla told the young man that, despite her love, she did not intend to start a family with him. The young man was offended, very soon found a new girlfriend, and three months later he got married. Alla's pride was terribly wounded. She worried for several weeks - until, for some reason, she went to see her ex and saw the conditions in which he lived with his young wife. Three years have passed since then, Alla has not been able to arrange her personal life, but, remembering her failed husband, she is always glad that “this cup” has passed from her.

This is the saddest story that happened as a result of using the method of bringing feelings to the point of absurdity. In the vast majority of cases, the relationship was maintained. Love did not go away, but girls and women got the opportunity to think more sensibly, became more confident, less dependent, learned to defend their interests, to do things their own way.

Often, not only an internal effect was observed, but also an external one - men were so amazed by the dedication and dedication of their girlfriends that they fell in love with them with renewed vigor and did everything they wanted. The problem was resolved with a bang. It’s not for nothing that there is a popular wisdom: “A woman’s strength is in her weakness.”

Some girls objected to the method of bringing feelings to the point of absurdity, saying: “If I completely indulge him, he will begin to wipe his feet on me and twist ropes.” Indeed, there were several cases of this kind, but it changed the feelings of women so much that they left the relationship with absolutely complete confidence.

But the main result was always an increase in confidence.
The next step is to identify situational difficulties. For example, often solving a problem is hindered by fear of conflicts or scandals, fear of expressing one’s interests and seeing the reaction of others to this. There are many cases where, having overcome this kind of fear, a person ultimately makes his life much easier. Yes, there is a disassembly, it torments for several days, but then everything returns to normal.
I knew a girl who was very afraid of separation, and not loneliness, as such, but precisely the situation of separation. She suffered greatly when young people left her; she could not do anything while the uncertainty lasted. But as soon as she realized that a return was impossible, her mood and condition returned to normal within one day. It was so unpleasant for her to leave that it manifested itself on a more elementary level - she always stayed up late at a party, said goodbye to her friends for a long time on the threshold, not daring to leave. Because of this peculiarity, the unfortunate girl maintained an absolutely unsatisfactory relationship with a man for more than a year.

Try to understand what the situation requires of you, what you would like to avoid, and what is somewhat important to you. Do not exaggerate this importance - do not forget that spending half an hour in the dentist's chair is still better than constantly suffering from toothache.
If the situation is not resolved at any of the previous steps, sit down again and think; it wouldn’t hurt to write down those desires of yours (both global and situational) that came into conflict. Rank everything in order of importance. Now it will be easier - you will be armed with knowledge about yourself, and getting rid of excessive passions will allow you to breathe more freely. Perhaps something unconscious will come to the surface, and you will be able to make better choices.
And then you need to try to live in accordance with the decisions made, i.e. do what is more important first and what is less important second. Perhaps less important ones will have to be sacrificed (if the desires are completely incompatible). It won't be easy, but isn't it easy for you now? If you make the right decision, you can act on it.
At this last stage, it is important not to get too caught up in thinking about how you to him tell me everything. You shouldn’t waste too much energy on demonstrative statements; it’s better to try to implement your plan rather than talk about it.

Perhaps your love will still bring joy. In any case, there is always a chance to make your life happy.

Molchanova Y.V.,
Ph.D. psychol. sciences

Good afternoon I have this situation. I have known my wife for 15 years. When we met she was 18, I was 19, we were each other’s first man and woman. Love was crazy. But the wedding did not take place right away. My wife’s older sister was unmarried and we couldn’t marry her before; we waited for almost 6 years. They lived in a civil marriage. And when they arranged the wedding, the feelings were no longer so acute, but they were still there and they decided to get married anyway. Three years later, a son was born. Now he is almost 6 years old, a beloved child, long-awaited. All these years I worked hard, built a career, created a foundation, wealth for our family. from small to large. apartments, cars, everything is like everyone else. I fulfilled all my wife’s whims, I wanted this myself. I worked with my son, tried to ensure that he had the best. But the moment came when everything seemed to be there, everyone was wearing shoes and well-fed, but life became harder for me, I wanted something, new emotions. And I found and met a girl, she is 9 years younger than me, she is now 25, I am 34. I fell in love and still love her. He hid his relationship from his wife for almost 1.5 years. Then he had a conversation with his wife and confessed everything. But he didn’t leave his wife, there’s a stamp in my head that leaving a wife and child is not good. He tried to break up with the woman he loved and left. But after a while he started all over again. I went to a psychologist and talked, but it didn’t help. My wife and I hid everything, we didn’t want to disturb our loved ones. But time passes and I can no longer be at home, I write a letter to my wife about leaving, that I feel at home like I’m in hard labor, and I go to a rented apartment, live there for several days, a little less than a week, my parents, hers and mine, find out about everything, they begin to seem to support me, and they seem to say that they never expected this from me, come back to the family. And again I return home. It’s as if I have a split personality - my brain says I need to be with my wife, but my heart wants to be with my beloved, so I’ve been rushing from side to side for six months now. Tired. I’m leaving my family, thinking about my son and wife. I return to my wife and son, I think about my beloved, what to do, sometimes I can’t find a place at home, within my own walls. During the year and a half I spent with my beloved, while everything was hidden, I renovated her apartment, bought a car, helped her raise her son (she has a child from her first marriage, a 5-year-old son). She helped her believe that true love exists; her first civilian husband humiliated her and offended her. She is not materialistic at all, I love doing something nice for her, she always refuses gifts. He loves me madly and purely. What to do, what to do? Now that I’ve been at home for a week again, I feel bored and sad. I can’t live like this, I can’t get myself ready to restore my relationship with my wife.

Stay or go – a question that plagues at least one partner in a great many couples. Every day, every hour, right at this very second. Meanwhile, psychologists advise asking other questions. The answers to which will help you come to the right decision.

1. What did you expect from love?

Usually this question is replaced by another - “Do I still love him (her)?” But the answer is too often dictated by the myths of popular culture. In which love is when your partner understands you without words and anticipates all your desires. In real life things are different. And first of all, you should soberly admit: if a relationship is in crisis, then exactly half the blame for it lies with you.

“People don’t come into relationships with a clean slate; they carry with them the burden of previously accumulated problems. And they unconsciously expect that their partner will, with a wave of a magic wand, solve them all. And when this doesn’t happen, they get very upset and believe that the relationship has not justified itself,” says Jodi McKay, clinical psychologist, expert at Psychologies (South Africa).

She recommends lovers to be more sober in their expectations. And strive for that level of intimacy when everyone can fearlessly tell their partner about their emotional wounds. Only in this case can you count on a loved one to help heal them.

2. What do you want to get rid of?

You can leave a partner you've lost interest in, but you can never run away from yourself. So try to figure out what doesn’t suit you in the first place. It is possible that the answer lies within yourself.

“For example, people who are used to being strong and in control unconsciously tend to choose weak and dependent partners,” explains couples therapy specialist Myra Viege. - This is how they strive to find balance in life. But as a result, one day it is the weakness and vulnerability of the partners that turn out to be the qualities that begin to irritate the most.”

This can continue endlessly, until a person admits to himself that weakness is not a mortal sin at all. And that, apparently, it is important for him to sometimes allow himself to be weak. As soon as this happens, the partner’s weakness will cease to be an irritating factor.

3. Are you sure you can live independently?

Very often, the thought of loneliness frightens women even more than a long-outdated marriage. Are you afraid of not being able to cope with life's difficulties alone? Or are you afraid that you won’t be able to meet a new suitable partner? If the answer is “yes,” then, oddly enough, the existing relationship should probably be ended as soon as possible, says psychotherapist Ruthie Smith.

“The more dependent you become on another person, the more you lose faith in yourself and the ability to take charge of your life.” And for your happiness, for which, ultimately, only you and no one else are responsible.

4. Can you handle cheating?

For most couples, adultery is more than enough reason for divorce. But Myra Viege does not agree with this. As with the very first question, she suggests admitting honestly: it is also your fault that your partner began to look for pleasure on the side.

“Perhaps you are inclined to “punish” your partner with a lack of intimate life for some offenses? Or does he not feel the admiration that the first months of our life together were generous with and that we all need constantly?”

If two people are able to understand what happened and agree on the inevitable redistribution of roles in the couple over the years, then betrayal may not only not destroy the relationship, but also strengthen it.

5. How would you feel if your partner died today?

This may sound too harsh and even shocking. But such “shock therapy” can be very useful. Momentary reasons and emotions often push people to break up. Acute and painful here and now, they are not too important “in the long run,” but they are quite capable of obscuring the true value of relationships from us. Which you need to remind yourself of - albeit in such a harsh way.

6. What will your new life look like?

The question is purely practical, but no less important. Who will cook the food or pick up the children from school, who will fix the broken socket or finally change the winter tires to summer ones - even if only in May?

“We often imagine leaving a painful relationship as liberation. But not only does freedom come with a price, it also comes with additional responsibilities,” reminds Jodie McKay. She recommends that clients make a detailed plan for their future “day of freedom,” without missing any details. In order to understand how ready they are to cope with the everyday worries of life that today lie on the shoulders of their partner.

7. Should your happiness outweigh someone else's sadness?

The answer is clear - yes. You must put your interests first. And the question is actually not this at all, but how you do it,” Myra Viedge is convinced. She gives the example of couples who continue to maintain a long-disgusted marriage in the interests of the children. But the trouble is that children in such couples, looking at parents who have not loved each other for a long time, receive an unconscious attitude: their own happiness is not important, it can and should be sacrificed for the sake of some higher interests.

As a result, from generation to generation we raise people who are willing to be unhappy. This chain must be broken. But this must be done as carefully as possible. Explaining to children that the reason for the separation is not their fault at all and divorce will not affect your feelings for them in any way. You just, like them, want to be happy. And if this works, then in the end everyone will win.

Question for psychologists

Hello. I am 27. My husband is 29. There are no children. We have been married for 1.5 years, living together for 4 years. We both work steadily. Joint mortgage. The husband was a very hot-tempered and aggressive person from the very beginning. He may shout in an impulse, call him names, or push him rudely. Then he moves away very quickly and is loving and caring again. At first I thought that I could live with this, I loved him very much, but now I feel that I have become nervous and irritable. My husband does everything for me: he earns money, he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t party, but there are also disadvantages: he doesn’t help around the house, he doesn’t feel sorry for me, he believes that a woman should love and take care of her husband, and the husband in return. I think on the contrary - a woman is a reflection of a man’s love... He always really wanted children. But there were financial difficulties, moving, and now, when it seemed time, I understand that I am afraid to give birth to him. I come up with endless excuses why it’s not time yet. Everything was complicated by meeting another person. He is 33. Divorced, no children. We have known each other for a long time, we communicated for about five years on the Internet, in a friendly, warm manner, once or twice a month, we lived in different cities. And then three months ago we met. He flies to me. We talk on the phone every day. He loves me very much, wants a family with me, children, calls me to marry him, and I feel that I also want to live my life with this person. He is the complete opposite of my husband: caring, calm, we have the same interests... He is waiting for me, he knows about my husband, it is also difficult for him in this situation, he is in no hurry, but I understand that he will not be able to live in this for long. I haven’t physically cheated on my husband, but morally I absolutely belong to someone else...
Against this background, everything became more complicated with my husband, I said that I no longer wanted to live with him (I don’t dare talk about anyone else, I’m afraid of aggression), he often suggested divorce in the relationship, with every quarrel, but then I felt that I could really leave, I started asking me to stay, saying that he loves me, that we’ll get along, that he doesn’t know how to continue without me... my heart is torn to pieces. I feel sorry for my husband (or maybe I still have some feelings), and I really love the second man and want to be with him... How to understand yourself? Divorce? Leave for someone else? Or stay and try to improve the marriage... and then how to tear another person out of the heart?..

Hello, Kira! let's look at what's going on:

The husband was a very hot-tempered and aggressive person from the very beginning. He may shout in an impulse, call him names, or push him rudely.

He doesn’t help around the house, doesn’t feel sorry for me, he believes that a woman should love and take care of her husband, and the husband should love him in return.

I understand that I am afraid of giving birth to him.

I said that I no longer want to live with him (I don’t dare talk about someone else, I’m afraid of aggression)

He often suggested divorce in relationships, every time there was a quarrel, but then he felt that I could really leave, he began to ask me to stay, he said that he loved me, that we would work things out, that he didn’t know how to continue without me..

You and your husband are completely different people, initially you saw his aggressiveness, you are afraid to tell him what is really happening, because you are afraid of his aggression. BUT - something continues to hold you, it is difficult for you not only to make a choice - you have actually already made it, it is difficult for you to believe that you can allow yourself to be happy, allow yourself to love and be loved, and not hide yourself in cell, allowing you to destroy yourself, allowing yourself to be afraid of the one with whom you live. Look at your life in marriage - you have painted yourself into a corner, you understand and feel on an instinctive level that you do not want children from your husband - because you are afraid, afraid of his aggression and do not want an even greater dependence to appear - after all, if there is a child, then You will forcibly sacrifice yourself and your life, BUT so that the child has a father, you will endure his aggression, humble yourself, live and wait to receive his attention and care, BUT in return you will have to earn all this from him. You understand this and you are afraid of it. This suggests that there is emotional dependence, that you yourself are inclined to punish yourself, that you initially chose a relationship where you constantly experience pain, where you expose yourself to humiliation and allow yourself to be treated this way - why? why do you dislike yourself so much? why do you accept this violence? What are you punishing for? Why did you develop such a destructive attitude towards yourself?

now there is a chance to finally pull yourself out and give yourself the opportunity to be happy, BUT in order to decide to take this step you need to allow yourself to listen to yourself, allow yourself to protect yourself, love yourself!

I feel sorry for my husband (or maybe I still have some feelings), and I really love the second man and want to be with him... How to understand yourself?

choose marriage and keep it out of pity? what will change?? will your husband change? It is unlikely that he has already shown himself, his personality will not change, he is afraid of losing you, because you are a woman who is ready to tolerate him and his attitude towards a woman - after all, this woman is not able to respect herself, but is capable of sacrificing herself, will he find another such a woman? You yourself have already answered the question - who do you want to be with and if you choose marriage, then what feelings drive you. A marriage out of pity will bring nothing but an even greater wave of irritation and indignation on the part of the man, he will feel that he cannot change, become different, the way you want to see him, he will have to play, put on a mask, BUT time will pass, this is for him get bored and then everything will return to normal again and you know it! Of course, there are NO guarantees that in a new relationship everything will be easy and simple, BUT it will be ANOTHER person, a different man, a different personality - with different attitudes, values, moral principles, with a different attitude towards a woman. BUT - You need to start with the fact that you need to learn to respect YOURSELF and love yourself, and not wait until there is someone who can give it to you - it turns out that you can exchange one addiction for another - as a result, continuing to hide behind a man. What stops you from making a decision? what are you afraid of? wrong step - is your choice a mistake? then THAT is a big mistake - to live with someone you are afraid of, from whom you are afraid to give birth, to live in fear, or to give yourself a chance to save yourself (even if not in other relationships, but just to SAVE!!!).

Shenderova Elena. Moscow. We can work by phone, skype, watsapp.

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Hello Kira.

Now you are faced with the choice “Leave for someone else? Or stay and try to improve the marriage.” - this is always difficult.

Our choices are based on the script we received in our parental family. Behavior during the selection of a partner is “coded” by our family experience. There are as many messages as there are families: “If you are patient and attentive, the relationship will be good” or “the husband should not drink and earn money, the rest does not matter”, “a woman is a reflection of a man’s love”, etc.

Now you have met a man who is “the complete opposite of my husband: caring, calm, we have the same interests.” Yes, in such a situation it is really tempting to start a new life. This period of a relationship when we idealize our partner is called falling in love. It is pleasant and charming to be in it.

In your relationship with your husband, you are most likely in a phase when the idea of an ideal partner collapses, and we have to make a choice: either accept our partner for who he is, or leave.

You feel this intuitively when you ask the question “Leave for someone else? Or stay and try to improve the marriage... and then how to tear another person out of the heart?..”

It is difficult to make your choice when there is charm: you have dreamed about him all your life, identification: he is exactly who you have dreamed of becoming all your life, a thirst for integrity: he has exactly what I have always lacked outside.

Reader Child BY found herself in a difficult situation: stay with her husband or give herself up to a new passion. We present her story, as well as comments from psychologist Anna Matulyak, for your consideration.

www.matrony.ru

I always thought I was happy. However, that’s how it was: 15 years of an ideal marriage with the best man in the world - smart, reliable, affectionate, gentle, and, most importantly, loving. Last year we celebrated the anniversary of our marriage - we didn’t notice how much time had flown by.

At the table are elderly parents, teenage children, and closest friends. Everyone says that a better couple cannot be found, that we are made for each other. Once, in a moment of frankness, my daughter admitted that she wanted the same relationship with her future husband as I have with my husband. Nice…

In the spring I fell in love

Maybe the chirping birds are to blame, maybe the spring air, or maybe just hormones - I don’t know. But everything happened exactly like the Master and Margarita: “Love jumped out in front of us, like a killer jumps out of the ground in an alley, and struck us both at once. This is how lightning strikes, this is how a Finnish knife strikes.”

We walked on opposite sides of the narrow sidewalk and looked into each other's eyes at the same time. And a couple of minutes later he caught up with me, apologized, said that he had not met anyone on the street for a thousand years, and asked my name. And I realized that I was lost.

Several days in a row he met me at lunchtime and we talked. We walked and talked. Common interests, hobbies, ways of spending free time (active recreation, sports, reading), similar views on life and certain situations.

I felt like a beautiful and desirable girl again, and not a respectable mother of a family and a caring wife.

Sergei came on business trips once every 3-4 months, and between them he spent almost every weekend in the capital. We tried to spend all our days together... And life was divided into two parts: the obvious one - where I have been a wife and mother for a long time, and the secret one - with a mysterious sparkle in the eyes and the beloved hands of another man.

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I'm torn...

I have a husband whom I respect and love endlessly, and I don’t want to hurt him. There are children for whom their mother’s leaving for another man would be a betrayal. But it is no longer possible to live on two fronts.

I'm torn between two beloved men. Is it possible to love two people at the same time? It’s possible, love will be different, but it will still remain love.

Sergei said that he would accept any of my decisions because he loves me and wants to see me happy. But he no longer wants to hide and share me with others. But I don’t know what decision to make? Should we continue to live our usual and established life or give up on everything and start a new story?

Svetlana

Comment from family psychologist Anna Matulyak:

If you find yourself in a situation “between two fires,” then you need to return to the moment when another relationship appeared. What was happening in your life then? What worked and what didn’t in family life with your husband?

There are two reasons for the emergence of new relationships: truly true love or compensation for what is missing in the old relationship. But in order to understand the essence of your situation, you need to take into account not only feelings, but also try to evaluate and weigh everything.

The passion that arises between a man and a woman lasts about 2 years, and then the “building” of relationships begins and the strengthening of other feelings on which the relationship rests. Over the years, relationships with my husband become a quiet and calm haven. Home, family affairs and worries are becoming more and more overwhelming.

And, as a rule, it is at such a moment that fate brings you together with another person., to which the same feelings arise as in youth! Logic and common sense recede into the background, and the heart is literally torn to pieces. One day you are sure of one thing, and with the advent of a new day everything changes...

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Most often, the creation of new relationships is provoked by a feeling of dissatisfaction with the current relationship. The most insidious thing about this dissatisfaction is that it can be completely implicit and accumulate over years.

For example, a woman was too actively involved in the roles of mother and wife and completely forgot that she was also just a woman. And this woman begins to feel dissatisfied inside.

The solution to this problem most often becomes a new relationship. By the way, the so-called “triangle” often arises precisely in order to save a couple, no matter how paradoxical it may sound.

That is, the third one appears precisely to “give” what the partner lacks in this relationship. And then the way out of this difficult situation may be an awareness of the deficit and a restructuring of current relationships.

It happens that a double life lasts for years. But one can and must choose between these “fires”, because one of them is “illusion”, and the other is truth. And to understand “who is who” you need to understand what you feel for both partners.

In a fit of passion and ardent feelings, it is difficult to notice the characteristics of a partner, which will need to be dealt with in the future, because during the period of falling in love we all have “rose-colored glasses.”

In addition, the very environment of the relationship contributes to- rare and so welcome meetings, no obligations, general everyday life, finances and other issues that one way or another will come to life with a new person. For now there are only two and they are incredibly happy together, but sooner or later friends and relatives of the partner, his work, etc. will appear in this relationship.

At the stage of passion and novelty, you should not rush to conclusions about love. If there is no deep confidence in this relationship and the heart is rushing and does not know “who to choose” - this is a sign to take your time, it means that something is wrong.

If you are sure that the new relationship is definitely love, then it’s time to make a decision. And here you should not be led by feelings of pity and fear, ending a relationship is always painful, but every person has the right to happiness and you are no exception.

Dear readers! Have you ever encountered a similar situation? Is it possible to love two men at the same time? We are waiting for your comments!