You don't need your own child to raise someone else's. Stepfathers and stepmothers: how to raise “other people’s” children? How to find the right approach

Child age: 6

Do I have the right to raise someone else's child?

Hello. The situation is this: 4 months ago I began to live with a woman and her child from her first marriage. The child is 6 years old and he is terribly ill-mannered. Throughout his childhood, his grandmother spoiled him (after his divorce, his wife lived with his mother). I myself saw how one day he broke a plate on purpose, his mother tried to scold him, and his grandmother began to shout at his mother and say how bad she was. The child realized that he can do anything. Now we live together, and he behaves rudely. He can tear curtains, climb with his feet on the kitchen table, etc. Doesn't respond to comments. Doesn't perceive me. I wanted to spank him several times, but I feel that I don’t even have the right to shout at him. I’m a stranger... Do I have the right to raise someone else’s child, raise my voice at him, punish him? I know that he will complain to his grandmother and I will become her enemy. She already does not approve of our relationship with our daughter.

Anton

Hello Anton.

Your question is very important. As I understand it, it concerns building personal boundaries for each member of the new family that was formed with your entry into it. To what extent do you have the right to interfere in communication between mother and son, as well as how to react to the boy’s rudeness and negative attitude mother-in-law in order to defend their own boundaries while maintaining their relationship with their spouse. And establishing contact with your stepson is really necessary, especially if you plan to build a long-term relationship with this woman.

Respect for adults, of course, needs to be instilled in a child. And, of course, we can understand your indignation defiant behavior boy, your resentment, irritation and confusion. But to change the situation, you can look at it from the outside. It causes tension in any adult when he is informed that a stranger, a complete stranger, will move into his house. And if he is not even informed about this, and he one day discovers that this stranger is already walking around the house and managing everything like the owner, this naturally causes indignation and indignation. For a child, their usual way of life is many times more important than for an adult, which means their resistance to any change is much stronger. For your stepson, you are still really a stranger, who, moreover, takes away some of his mother’s attention and time. Therefore, his negative feelings towards you can also be understood. These feelings are most likely expressed in his behavior: he is afraid of losing her love.

With his antics, a child can also test you: how stable you can remain and whether you can be trusted. Even if we assume that you will be the new head of the family and will have the right to raise the boy on an equal basis with his mother, scolding and punishment, especially physical ones, are unlikely to help you improve his behavior. In this case, the relationship will definitely become even worse. In my opinion, your task now may be to establish a respectful and “mutually beneficial” relationship with the boy, which in the future may develop into friendship. Try to imagine that he is yours business partner, good relations with which they are very important for the prosperity of your enterprise (that is, a new family). Perhaps at some point you will have to close your eyes to your own offense and, before reacting to the next action of your “partner,” ask yourself whether your reaction will improve or worsen this relationship. And make a conscious choice about how best to behave.

It is best, of course, to seek a face-to-face consultation with family psychologist so that he can help you understand the true reason for your stepson’s negative behavior and correct the situation. On our website you can find addresses of free psychological assistance services in your city.

Children need more time to get used to changes than adults. Therefore, if you are patient and attentive to the boy’s condition, show respect for his feelings and demonstrate an example of constructive behavior in conflict, gradually he will definitely accept you. And after overcoming this difficult period, your family will become much stronger.

Anastasia Vyalykh,
Family psychologist

It is no longer uncommon for families to break up. In this case, children who are forced to stay with one of their parents suffer the most. But life doesn't stop there. Over time, mom or dad also tries to build new family with your child. Then the questions begin about how to raise someone else’s child and treat a stepdaughter or stepson. Moreover, the main problem comes down to education and discipline, when a stepmother or stepfather tries to adopt the behavior of a biological parent.

Basics of raising someone else's child

In the vast majority of cases, such relationships are initially burdened by conflicts and hostility. In addition, the child has not yet recovered from the feeling of resentment and bitterness that arises when parents divorce. In addition, the child expresses such emotions in the way that he knows how. It could be bad behavior, whims, foul language. It is not surprising that every new parent rarely manages to stay away from punishing and raising someone else’s child. And the child himself, after the moral trauma caused by his parents’ divorce, often begins to provoke his stepmother or stepfather with his terrible behavior. Thus, he simply finds out how much patience the new family member has, and what his reaction will be to this or that.

Another difficult moment that such families have to face: relationships, even if they initially developed well, suddenly begin to deteriorate sharply after the birth of the second, now joint child. Indeed, in this case, the jealousy of the older child will be even more acute and obvious. Often he begins to feel superfluous. This in turn can also cause bad behavior.

In this scenario, it is advisable for the stepmother or stepfather to try to see the current situation simply through the eyes of the spouse, as well as his child. Indeed, often in the event of a parent’s divorce, the child blames himself for what happened. If the child is no longer small, then he may even begin to blame the parent for breaking up the family; this issue arises especially acutely in the case when the romantic relationship of mom or dad with a new partner began even before the divorce from the former spouse.

Also, most children secretly hope that their parents' divorce is only temporary, and that a little later the family will reunite. But when a new spouse appears, all hopes are destroyed. And along with this, the first fears appear that the new family member will take away the love and time intended for the child. It is for this reason that in the question of how to raise someone else’s child, it is so important that in a family both parents certainly focus on the child, but in no case on each other, despite their desires. Here best choice There will be joint walks and games, going to the park and cinema. In any case, the child must understand that he retains his former place in the family, which must be confirmed by both actions and words. But at the same time, the remaining parent himself should not make excuses to his child and feel any guilt for the appearance of a new person in his life.

That is, the stepfather must understand what is between him and his new wife, and also as a child, there are natural boundaries. Therefore, relationships need to be built gradually, carefully thinking through each step. Initially, you need to see in the child a little man whom his wife loves very much. In the case of a sincere good attitude towards the child, he will soon respond kindly to him. The main thing is not to force events and give the child the opportunity to take the first step.

If it is not possible to avoid the child’s punishment, then it must certainly come from the real parent. The option when a parent, acutely feeling guilty for the divorce, begins to indulge his child in everything, is also unacceptable. But even if the mother does not want to put the naughty child in his place, the stepfather should not interfere with punishments - then he will certainly be shown in his place not his own father.

In a prosperous family, there will be no problem with how to raise someone else’s child, and they will be able to develop an optimal upbringing system. In this case, both parents have the right to education, and the stepfather or stepmother also deserves respect along with the natural parent. But even in this case, the establishment of relations will not happen quickly - it will take about one or two years.

In relation to these men, the saying “the father is not the one who gave birth, but the one who raised” justifies itself one hundred percent. The Daily Baby author tells stories of men who took responsibility for other people's children.

Antipov Anton, raising Alina, 10 years old

I am seven years younger than my wife. She is 37, I am 30. When we met, I was 20. She decided to give birth to a child for herself and at that time was dating a man whom she immediately initiated into her plans. When we started our romantic relationship, she was already pregnant. The period was short, and outwardly it did not manifest itself at all. But she was honest with me from the very beginning, saying that she was expecting a child.

At first I was taken aback. Imagine, I’m 20—my whole life is ahead of me! And the worm of doubt “am I doing the right thing by tying myself with ties of responsibility” was in my head.

But, apparently, this is love, since I didn’t think for a long time, but still decided to start a relationship with this woman.

What’s strange is that as my belly grew, I became more and more imbued with the idea that this was my child and that I would soon become a father. Of course, my family and friends pointed their fingers at my temple, calling me crazy, since I chose a woman “with a trailer.”

Now my daughter is ten years old, and it seems to me that she even looks like me in appearance. Everything happens naturally and effortlessly. How else? After all, my baby doesn’t even know about the existence of a “real” father. We have trusting relationship, and I couldn’t even imagine my life any other way. I’m already afraid to think that Alinka will ever leave us by getting married or moving to live in another city.

My parents, by the way, who were initially skeptical about my relationship with a pregnant woman, have long considered Alina their granddaughter. Soon they will also have a grandson!

Oleg Myachin, raising Ksenia, 16 years old

I think treating a woman differently just because she has a child is too archaic. It’s like reaching the age of 30 and looking for a virgin as a wife or choosing a companion based on the size of her dowry.

My Yulia had behind her bad marriage, which fell apart due to jealousy and tyranny of the spouse. Therefore, she took my advances with distrust and was in no hurry to accept me into “her circle.” But I managed to prove to her that men are different, and that the attitude towards her is her ex-husband- not an indicator of how the head of a family can behave.

Ksyusha and I immediately struck up a friendly relationship. I tried to act as gently as possible, but still I really wanted to get closer to her, so that my Julia would understand that I had come seriously and for a long time and that I could be trusted.

Now Ksenia is 16 - she rebels and shows character in every possible way, which is normal for a teenager.

While I have deliberately stepped into the background, I try not to interfere in her relationship with her mother, because I believe that now they are the most important thing for her.

But I am sure that she is attached to me, and I don’t ask more from her.

Anatoly Belyaev, daughter Yulia, 32 years old

The love story with my wife is like a romantic movie. We lived in the same yard, and for a long time we did not know about each other’s existence. And all because, at twenty-nine years old, I led a relaxed lifestyle as a bachelor, and at twenty-seven she was forced to become an adult after the death of her mother and divorce from her husband.

At first, as expected, we met at the cinema and walked together. Then she introduced me to her father (it turned out that we work together and have known each other for a long time) and daughter Yulia (she was 5 years old at the time). We immediately became friends.

Then we began to live together, and Yulka met me from work every evening, running out into the hallway and throwing herself on my neck. And somehow, unexpectedly for me, she began to call me dad. But I didn’t mind, because I began to consider her a daughter.

When Yulia was six and a half years old, Masha was born to us. I know many stories when a step-child becomes a stranger after the birth of a natural one. But this is not my case.

I love my daughters equally, but sometimes it seems to me that I love the eldest more. Because she is very independent and very smart, and the youngest turned out to be a sissy who needs to be looked after.

Julia is like the son I dreamed of.

Now my daughter is 32 years old, she has her own children, whom I consider my grandchildren and love very much.

By the way, my mother received my girls very warmly, and only many years later she admitted that she almost daily repelled the attacks of “kind” neighbors who reproached her for allowing a woman with a child into the family.

Maksimchuk Vitaly, raising Dmitry, 15 years old

I have never understood men who take responsibility for other people’s children, even if they were born by your beloved woman. Until I found myself in a similar situation. I met my future wife, when she experienced the death of her husband. She was left with a seven-year-old son in her arms.

At first I was wary of this relationship. I have a failed marriage and a daughter behind me, so I didn’t strive for permanence. But then, unexpectedly, I became bolder, and we began to live together, then got married and bought a small house.

My wife's son and I immediately found mutual language, and soon he himself asked to call me dad. I was categorically against it.

Firstly, because he did not want to take responsibility for him. And secondly, I believe that a child should have only one father - his biological one. It doesn’t matter whether he is alive, whether he communicates with him, or whether he is not even aware of his birth.

Over time, we got used to each other. Of course, we still don’t call ourselves father and son, but our relationship still resembles that of family. I went to receive his first passport with him. Together we went to submit documents to the college admissions office.

I got divorced not long ago. And now I’m trying to find my soulmate again. I understand perfectly well that at my age I can start a family with a woman who, most likely, already has children. So I am ready for the fact that my wife and I will have a stepson or stepdaughter. I'll try to make friends with them. I shouldn’t give up on my personal life just because my marriage didn’t work out the first time. After all, the main thing is that husband and wife love each other. Then the children will not feel that one of their parents is a stranger to them. I don’t know how it is with women, but I can say for sure about men: if you love a woman, you will love her child. I have a daughter from my first marriage. But we don’t communicate at all, because her mother evokes nothing but anger in me. This is probably bad, but I involuntarily transfer this irritation to our child. In general, I made a bad father, and I don’t miss my daughter. True, I am sure that if I finally find my soul mate, I will be able to love someone else’s child.

Ivan, 39 years old, cook

Several years ago I had the imprudence to fall in love with a woman with a child. While we were just dating, everything was fine. But when we started living together, our relationship turned into a nightmare. Her son was simply unbearable. He didn't listen at all to what I told him. If we stayed at home alone, it was simply impossible to feed him lunch or send him to school. He refused to eat or dress. Moreover, he did it out of spite, and not at all because he didn’t like the food or couldn’t find clothes. And if I slapped him on the head, it turned into a whole tragedy. This brat reprimanded me that I was not his father and had no right to touch him, and then complained to his mother that I was, they say, beating him. His mother always took his side. She demanded that I apologize to my stepson and give him expensive gifts as “compensation for moral damage.” Of course, I was indignant and said that either I raise the child the way I see fit, or I don’t raise it at all. To this she invariably replied that if I don’t love her son, then I can go to hell, that they somehow lived without me and can continue to live. One day I just couldn’t stand it and “rolled.” I still love this woman and want to be with her. But this is impossible. She will still love her son more and will always consider only his opinion. She will not allow me or anyone else to offend this young scumbag. And what is the result? Two adults are unhappy. And her son is terribly pleased that he survived someone else’s uncle from the house.

Oksana, 37 years old, veterinarian

If you love a person, you have to love his past. After all, it was thanks to what happened to him during his life that he became the way you see him. His children, ex-wives one way or another left an imprint on his personality. And you can’t take all this and “throw it away.” If they were not there, your lover would be some other person. And it’s not at all a fact that you would like him. Therefore, if you have already made your choice, there is no point in worrying about whether your spouse has children or not. You just need to try to line up with them normal relationship. It seems to me that this is not so difficult. After all, children feel very subtly how adults treat them. Therefore, if you can love this child, he will definitely love you back. Maybe not right away, but you have to fight for love! Again, you won’t give up on your loved one just because you didn’t meet him first. Not everyone is lucky enough to find their soulmate in life. And if you managed to be among the lucky ones, there is no need to destroy the relationship just because your chosen one has a child.

Igor, 30 years old, engineer

I don't want to raise other people's children. Why do I need it? When my fatherly instinct awakens in me, I will have my own. Fortunately, there are many more single women than single men, so finding a girl without a “makeweight” will not be difficult. This may sound cynical, but I don't want to bother with a child I have nothing to do with. But I think that my position is even more honest than that of some men. They try to break themselves, pretend that they like this child, try through force to play with him and do his homework. But children are not so stupid as not to understand that they are not really loved. So, no matter how much you try to portray mad love for your stepson and stepdaughter, the child will still feel false and suffer from it.

Polina, 32 years old, secretary

5 years ago I got married for the second time. I have a son from my first marriage. Now he is 10 years old. And my husband has a daughter. She is 12. It so happens that all our children live with us. And I don't see any problem in this. Yes, it was a little hard at first. The children could not make friends and constantly complained about each other, each to their “own” parent. For some reason, it always seemed to them that the second child was loved more, that it was he who got all the best. But over time, the children got used to it. Now they get along well with each other. Of course, they cannot do without quarrels, but in general they love each other like brother and sister. It seems to me that the fact is that my husband and I almost did not interfere in their conflicts. They didn't take sides. If you quarrel, go and make up. We will not protect or punish anyone. And over time, the children realized that they needed to learn to seek compromises. At first, both my husband and I were worried whether we would be able to get along with “strange” children. But everything went pretty smoothly. We were probably just lucky. My son missed male company. Of course, I tried my best, but I couldn’t take him fishing or let him drive the car. And my current husband immediately took on fatherly responsibilities. Just like his daughter, who grew up without a mother, she wanted someone to braid her hair, tie beautiful bows, bake pies with her, and let her try on adult dresses. So everything worked out for us.

Maria, 41 years old, accountant

No matter what anyone says, it’s difficult to live with someone else’s child. Especially if you got it at a conscious age. Children, as a rule, are very jealous of their parents. If the mother brought a man into the house, the child begins to feel that now he will be loved less, and he will try with all his might to destroy the new family. It is especially difficult if the child has a good relationship with my own father. After all, as long as there is a stranger in the house, dad will not return to mom. And no matter how much you explain that your own dad will not return under any circumstances, the child will still think that if you push the “alien” out the door, everything will go on as before. That the parents will live together again. Besides, when you bring a new man, you seem to become a traitor to your child’s real dad. And this, of course, also affects your child’s behavior. Children often become rude and aggressive towards not only their adopted parents, but also their real parents. And in order to cope with this situation, you will need a lot of strength and patience. Therefore, before starting a relationship with a person who already has a child, think carefully about whether this man is worth your sleepless nights and wasted nerves.

Unfortunately, many marriages are breaking up today... But humanity has always believed, believes and will believe in family happiness, because even on an intuitive level, every person feels that true values ​​are in the sphere of family relationships. Therefore, divorced spouses often improve their personal lives, get married for the second, third and even fourth time, raise their children in new conditions and “other people’s” children in new families. It's far from simple. Today, the wedding portal Svadbaholik.ru will try to warn you against some mistakes in behavior with children and their upbringing, which newly married couples often make.

So, you recently got married, and - whether you like it or not - you have to live and communicate not only with your other half, but also with your child. Your maximum goal is to achieve such a level of spiritual contact with a “strange” child as a biological parent, and the minimum goal is to establish good, conflict-free relationships. family relationships so that your family is truly friendly.

Tip 1. Don't overact. It’s great that you feel responsible for the child in your family, but Don't immediately act like a biological parent, especially if the second biological parent is alive and not outside of society. Firstly, you have not yet earned the child’s trust, and secondly, most likely, at the initial stage of the development of your relationship, the child will dislike you. It’s just that most children believe that their parents divorced because of their “stepmother” or “stepfather,” and every child dreams of their former family being reunited.

Tip 2. Don't even think about punishing your child. Only the biological parent can do this. Remember the fairy tales you read as a child, where the stepmother never loved the stepchildren and pushed them around? As they say, a fairy tale is a lie, but there is a hint in it... In fact, these stereotypes that an evil stepmother or a stern stepfather wants to harass a stepson or stepdaughter are very alive and colorful in the child’s psyche.

Tip 3. Don't rush things. You can move towards rapprochement slowly, in small steps. The child himself must take big steps forward.

Tip 4. Try to find interesting topics for communication and communicate if it is really interesting and necessary for both of you, or at least just the child. Make your relationship not formal, but friendly.

Tip 5. So that the child does not feel unnecessary and out of place in your new family, try to make him the center of your relationship, despite the fact that you don’t want it, especially in the first days after the wedding: believe me, over time it will bear fruit...

Remember: in a family there are no “own” and “other people’s” children. It is in your attitude towards the children of your significant other that the fullness of your love for their parent is manifested. And today it is no longer a secret to anyone that the parent who gave birth is not the one...