What to do if your husband prefers friends to family. When a loved one prefers friends

Construction family relations requires a lot of dedication. When a partner runs away from problems into the company, a feeling of resentment arises. What to do in such a situation? Everyone has a priority scale. When a husband chooses to spend time with friends at the expense of his family, then friends are more important to him. This behavior is a sign of immaturity.

Main reasons

It is necessary to conduct introspection and determine what attracts him in someone else's society.

Frequent causes of male “escapes”:

the company is comfortable;
they don't read notations;
he rests his soul with them;
has the right to do stupid things;
he is not condemned or criticized;
they are like-minded;
will support you in any situation.

You shouldn’t blame his pastime. Any blackmail and ultimatums will be perceived negatively, and the company will receive even more credibility.

Become valuable to him

Then the desire to return home will prevail over the desire to spend time with others. It is important for anyone to be needed and given a feeling of importance. Often these emotions are given by friends, especially when scandals, resentments and misunderstandings reign at home.

Become valuable to yourself

If your partner is busy with friends, this is a reason to take up your favorite hobby. A healthy relationship can only be built with a self-sufficient person. If a woman is not interested in herself, she will always be bored and lonely. Over time, she will cease to be interesting to her husband. Finding hobbies and passions will help reveal your personality.

Reluctance to take responsibility

If a man grew up in a family where his mother and grandmother did everything for his comfort, then he will transfer this pattern of behavior into his union. Without responsibility, a person remains infantile and does not want to accept the new role of husband or father. Personality is formed before the age of 20, after which it is very difficult to change radically.

Turn on your dignity

If a woman is trying to be helpful and valuable, but her partner is still at a distance, it is important to talk about her feelings. If this does not help, perhaps the relationship is moving towards its logical end.

The head of the family is a woman

If the wife takes the leading role and makes all decisions on her own, it should not be surprising that the man runs to the company of friends, where he feels complete. It is necessary to track at what point the role change occurred, which made the wife doubt the man's capabilities. Perhaps he was afraid of responsibility and was in a passive position from the very beginning. A family is a place where decisions must be made by both people.

Alcohol

Men often drink alcohol when they meet. Alcohol addiction can become a serious obstacle to a happy family life. If your husband is attracted to company only because of drinking, you need to work on the addiction. Here, the reluctance to spend time with your wife is only a consequence of a more global problem.

If a man continues to spend more time outside the home, it is worth considering whether the woman is ready to accept this? You need to accept your partner with his pros and cons. If he causes disappointment, irritation, this is a reason to think about whether the person is nearby?

Is it happening in your relationship that the guy spends more free time with his friends and forgets about you? Are you familiar with this and don’t know what to do or how to solve this problem?

Why do guys choose their friends and leave their girlfriends?

This problem most likely applies to younger guys, those who have not yet worked up and do not plan to shackle themselves hand and foot in a serious relationship.

Guys choose friends because they make him feel calmer and more comfortable. No one reads morals to him or tries to change him. When a guy is in the company of friends, he rests his soul. He can do any stupid thing and know that no one will judge him for it. After all, he and his friends are like-minded people.

Very often, guys choose friends and leave their girls because of softness. For example, he always treated his friends unfailingly - he came on demand, on weekends and spent all his free time with them. But suddenly a girl appeared in his life with whom he began dating. At this stage, the connection between a guy and a girl is not so strong and the guy still does not understand whether she is dear to him or not. He is afraid to sacrifice his friends, so he puts his priorities above his friends.

Let me give you one story as an example. It happened in the life of one very beautiful and smart girl. From the outside I can say that this girl is an ideal for any man. Bright appearance, interesting conversationalist, smart and well-read. In her rather young years, she already had ideas about how to properly build relationships with guys.

On New Year's Eve, she met a guy the same age. The guy was very persistent in his advances. In the end, he achieved his goal and they began dating.

For the first six months, the girl enjoyed happiness - her boyfriend was ideal, he looked after her beautifully and tried to spend every free minute with her. He gave flowers, took him to the cinema - it gave him happiness and pleasure that she was just nearby. It is worth noting that during this honeymoon period there was no talk about his friends - they did not interfere in their relationship in any way.

But, as soon as the moment of romance passed, the guy revealed his real face. Problems started. Which? These are the ones we are trying to sort out, on the topic: “why do guys choose friends and leave their girls.”

Every evening he had to go out on business - pick up a friend from work, take another friend to the store, drink beer with a third friend, whose girlfriend had recently dumped him.

Our heroine was not a timid person and she did not plan to remain silent when something did not suit her. Without throwing hysterics, the girl tried to talk to her boyfriend - to explain that she was offended by his behavior; explain. That she would like to spend more time with him and that she is offended by the fact that for him friends are sacred, and she is absolutely not important.

But, due to his character, the guy took everything wrong. Quarrels began - then they made up again and the guy promised that now everything would be different. But a month passed, and he again forgot about his girlfriend.

Her patience came to an end - she no longer had the strength to explain anything. Moreover, if the guy was completely unprepared to understand her.

She came to the conclusion that such a relationship did not suit her, that she did not want to always be in tenth or twentieth place.

As a result, they broke up. Although the guy still wants her back, he still doesn’t understand the reasons for their breakup.

Male friendship, especially one that has been tested over the years, is a good and necessary thing. This is mutual assistance, an opportunity to speak out, and just relax in a male company where you are loved, appreciated and understood.

After work, your man goes out for a beer with friends or hurries to the garage to help them dismantle the car. He likes to spend his evenings in the bathhouse with friends, and spends his weekends fishing or going hunting with friends.

And there seems to be nothing reprehensible in the behavior of such a man. This is his area of interest and his way of relaxing. But there is one “but”! Being too carried away by communicating with friends, the husband pushes his family into the background, which means he puts friends above his beloved wife and children.

Of course, an adult man with normal self-esteem will always correctly prioritize in a relationship. He will put himself first on this list, then his beloved wife, children, and only then his parents and friends. If the priority system is broken, something needs to be done about that too!

Friends as a threat to family relationships

When your beloved husband runs away to his friends day after day, you immediately have suspicions about his mistress, don’t you? Surveillance and checks begin, and in the end it turns out that the loved one really spends time in the company of friends. And it seems like you can calm down, but no! Gatherings with friends increasingly cause your dissatisfaction, because your husband pays too much attention to them, not helping you around the house at all, not playing with the children and not taking care of the family in any other way.

A particularly alarming bell is the moment when your husband goes to see friends, knowing that you had certain plans for that evening - a shopping trip, a visit to your parents, or even romantic dinner with a pleasant continuation...

Any woman will not like it when a man puts her below his friends. “I’m everything to him, and he...!” I just want to start a scandal!

Do not rush. Such difficult questions You can’t solve it with hysteria, but by posing the question point blank - friends or family, you can swing the situation to the most critical point. He can choose friends only because he considers himself a free person, whom even his wife has no right to limit in her choice of leisure. And here he will be absolutely right. The point is not in his passion for friends, but in the amount of time spent with them and relegating his family to the background. Therefore, it is impossible to categorically pose the question – friends or family!

What can you do

How wise woman you must, without shouting or ultimatums, convey to your man exactly what you don’t like and offer him acceptable options for resolving the situation.

Infiltrate the “enemy camp”

First of all, try to get to know your husband's friends better. Find out their interests, life priorities, find them with him common topics for conversation, in general, become part of this company. It is quite possible that they have wives who are also puzzled by a similar problem. You could get to know each other, invite your husband’s friends and their wives to your home or dacha, have joint picnics in the forest, or go on vacation together to the sea.

Such a rapprochement with your husband’s friends will have a positive impact on your relationship and will actually eliminate the existing problem. From now on, your husband will spend time with your mutual friends, and you can dilute this company at any time. Moreover, if you wish, you can organize “get-togethers” with the wives of your husband’s friends, because it is quite possible that they, too, are bored in the absence of their loved ones.

By the way, even if you don’t like one of your husband’s friends at all, don’t rush to tell your spouse about it. Try to understand what exactly your husband likes about him. In any case, respect his choice and do not criticize him.

Establish family traditions

Another solution to the problem could be an establishment family traditions. Talk calmly with your husband, explain that priority should be given to family, but there is no need to give up friends either. You can, for example, go to the garage not every evening, but once a week, and devote other evenings to your wife and children.

By the way, by agreeing with your loved one on similar rules for relaxation, you have every reason to relax in a similar way. For example, agree that you will spend 1 day a week separately: your husband with friends in the garage, and you with your girlfriends in a cafe. It will be great if, in addition to the tradition of taking a break from each other, you have a tradition of relaxing together. This could be a family trip to the dacha or an outing in the forest, a trip to the cinema or a romantic dinner for two.

Talk to your husband frankly

Learn to be frank with your loved one and from your life together Dozens of misunderstandings will go away. You shouldn’t blame your husband for the fact that you do all the housework and children, but he doesn’t appreciate it. Your loved one also works hard to provide for you and the children. Therefore, no insults or accusations!

Frankly tell him that you also get tired during the day, and you would like attention from him and some help. Ask how he can help you with the housework and offer your option. It is quite possible that you do not have enough time to relax in the evening and the problem would be solved if your husband bought a dishwasher.

Or maybe you're missing romance? Perhaps it’s not about friends at all, but about the fact that due to the constant absence of your loved one, you no longer feel desired? Maybe yours intimate life Has it become bland and monotonous? Isn't it time to paint it with new colors? Talk about this with your loved one, the main thing is that the discussion takes place in a calm, friendly tone.

Weather in the house

Home is a place where you can relax both body and soul. Now think about it: is your husband resting at home after hard work? Does the atmosphere at home correspond to proper rest? Does he feel drawn to go home after work? If he increasingly runs away to his friends, it means that this is where his favorite vacation is or he is not very interested in spending time with you.

Think about what attracts him to you? What do you do in his absence? Is your life interesting, what are your hobbies? Perhaps you “suffocate” him with your care or limit his freedom, and he avoids this oppression?

Try to change your behavior strategy. Give him more freedom, teach him to be independent, let him become the real head of the family and make important decisions. Perhaps this is exactly what he always dreamed of! Try it yourself, just for the sake of experiment, to live for a week for your own pleasure, doing only what you like. Believe me, following your changes, your husband will begin to change.

No dependencies

Separately, let’s talk about a situation in which your husband’s communication with friends is reduced only to drinking beer and other alcoholic beverages. From such dubious hobbies comes a severe addiction that must be fought. Beer alcoholism is very dangerous; as a rule, severe alcohol addiction begins with it. Therefore, if your loved one runs off to see friends every evening, have a glass or two of beer, everyone possible ways fight the emerging addiction and limit communication with drinking buddies.

Instead of an afterword

It is impossible to force a man to give up his friends. But if you understand the interests of your loved one, if you try to hear and understand your husband, and also begin to change yourself in order to arouse his interest and desire to come home, you can solve the delicate problem of choosing between family and friends without scandals and ultimatums.

Love and understanding to you!

We all have friends with whom we relax, help, console, celebrate holidays together, and so on. Until the moment when a marriage stamp appears in the passport. Because unmarried friends family man no longer fit into his life as “tightly” as before his marriage.

True friends are always important and needed. But what to do if there is simply no escape from your husband’s friends, and they begin to push you out of the life of your beloved man?

Just as a woman cannot exist without friends, men cannot exist without friends. True, the goals that unite them are different in both cases.

A friend for a woman is a person to whom you can tell everything and cry about everything. A friend for a man is a person whose support is needed in certain life situations, where they cannot be separated from their wife. For example, fishing.

Alas, this “happiness” is not always shared by both spouses. Family friendships usually proceed more happily, but the husband’s always annoying unmarried friends often become a real disaster for a woman. His friends take up so much space in his life that there is absolutely no place left for her, his beloved wife.

Why does a husband choose friends instead of his wife?

You can talk with friends about things that you can’t talk about in front of your wife - without embarrassment and fear of seeming ridiculous and weak.
Communication with friends provides additional self-confidence and provides the support that a spouse will not provide simply because she is a woman.
When your wife begins to irritate you with hysterics and regular drinking, you can run to your friends to rest your soul.
Reluctance to lose touch with people with whom the man has gone through “thick and thin.”
Infantility. Many men remain children even at 40 and 50 years old, and for eternal children it is much more more interesting than a meeting with friends than evenings with my wife.
And, finally, the most important thing: a man’s true friends are people whom he will never give up even to please his beloved wife.

It's fair to say that everyone needs friends. Not only for wives - girlfriends, but also for husbands - comrades. And, if his friends do not have much influence on yours family life in general, then maybe it’s worth being at least a little more tolerant of the interests of your beloved man and his desires.

My husband’s friends irritate and infuriate me: what to do with hatred, and how to behave?

Life without friends is always dull and boring. Even if the spouses are happy together, friends will still be present in life, because that’s how people are made (in most cases).

But true friends will never be a hindrance to your family . They will always understand and forgive, help without asking for help, will not interfere in the lives of spouses and give advice like “it’s time to change your life partner.” True friends don't become the reason family quarrel a-priory.

But there are also friends who do not particularly care about their friend’s personal life, and they get into it “with their feet,” allowing themselves to give advice and disrespect their friend’s wife.

How to be in this case?

If your husband's friends are not yet married, then they simply will not be able to understand your unfriendliness . They won’t understand why they can’t “drink beer while watching football” in the evening, stay at a bar or hang out fishing for a week. In this case, everything depends on the husband. It is he who must explain to his friends that he is now married, and his life can no longer be subject only to desires.
Focus your energy on creating a comfortable environment at home. If a man is cozy, comfortable and calm at home, if there is something waiting for him at home loving wife with dinner, and not a vixen-saw with a rolling pin, then he himself will hurry home, and not linger with friends.
Involve your man in family life more often. Plan hikes, interesting evenings, walks and trips in which your husband’s friends will not have a place.
Never put your husband before the choice of “them or me.” In most cases, a man will choose friends. And not always because they are dearer to him than his wife. Rather, out of principle.
Never sort things out with your husband on the topic “why are your friends visiting us again?” when visiting . There is no need to air such quarrels in public. In addition, you risk making enemies in the form of your husband's friends, which obviously will not benefit your marriage.
If your husband meets with friends regularly, but this, in principle, does not interfere with your relationship, leave him alone. Any “pressure” in this direction will be unnecessary. After all, the husband is also a person and has the right to meet with friends. It’s another matter if his friends sit in your living room every other day with beer and really interfere with family life. In this case, you need to act. But not directly and rudely, but wisely as a woman - gently and gradually, carefully driving these unpleasant and unscrupulous people away from your home and your husband.
Analyze your relationship with your husband. It is quite possible that you yourself are to blame for the fact that he spends more time with them than with you. Perhaps, having determined the reason for his behavior, you will find all the answers for yourself at once.
Do the mirror . Just like your husband, meet with your friends more often and stay up late with them. Be sure to invite them home, preferably more often, until your husband understands that you are doing this on purpose.
If you are simply offended by sitting at home alone while your husband meets with friends, and he does not take you with him for certain reasons, and it is useless to dare his friends, then just talk to him and find a compromise . After all, you also want to relax and chat with friends.
Try to make it work a good relationship with my husband's friends. Let them watch your football and crunch on crackers. Are you sorry? In the end, it is better if your husband meets them at your home, and not somewhere in a bar, where, in addition to friends, new girls may appear. Become a caring and hospitable hostess - pour them beer into beautiful glasses, prepare dinner. Let your husband's friends feel good and cozy with you. Thus, you can easily “drag” them to your side - and then solving all the necessary issues will be much easier.
Do not rule out that your husband’s friends can easily become your friends too. And this is the most the best option of all possible in this situation.
If your spouse’s friends are still single, you can try to find them life partners. Making family friends is much more fun and easier. But there is one drawback: if the relationship does not work out, then you will be to blame.

Of course, a wife always wants to be number one in a man’s life. But before you put pressure on him, remember that even the status of a wife will not protect you from divorce if a man is faced with a choice - a woman (there are so many of them around!) or old faithful friends.

When you got married, along with your husband's relatives, you also received his friends. And this is a fact that you need to come to terms with.

If you and your husband do not live in exile or on a desert island, you will be surrounded by relatives. Yours, his, and also friends with whom you can spend holidays or leisure time.

But what if you feel that your “family” field is too often interfered with by the plans and interests of your mother and friends?

A healthy adult with normal self-esteem and personal boundaries always puts himself first on the list of priorities, then his other half, if any, then children, and then only relatives and friends.

If the order of these priorities is violated, one of two things: either something is wrong with your relationship, or.

But did you choose the right one? So let's talk about relationships.

Threat #1: His Friends

You were already preparing to expose the betrayal when he once again went in the evening to help Lekha with the car. But no! It turned out that he really goes and fixes the car with friendly gatherings in the garage with Lekha, and not with you.

He also helps Vlad with repairs, and on Saturdays he has an overnight fishing trip exclusively with men.

Friends are good. Legends are written and films are made about true male friendship. But a worthy man always finds a balance between friends and the woman he loves.

The most “bright” indicator of problems in a relationship is sudden get-togethers with his friends at your house, when you had completely different plans for the evening (you know what I mean).

All this sooner or later begins to irritate, and quite rightly.

If all his entertainment takes place exclusively with friends, and family leisure is considered either on a residual basis or is absent altogether, this is unpleasant.

And, most likely, you will want to. But remember!

If you start making scandals, setting ultimatums (God forbid: “either me or them!”), imposing your own rules, it will end in nothing.

He will feel that his freedom is being pressured and attacked, they are declaring war and openly conflicting - which means he will move away, perceiving you as a rival, and not as a woman. There is no need to do this.

What then? Analyze the situation and behave.

Try to love his friends. Accept the fact that they appeared in his life, most likely, much earlier than you. Perhaps they have known him since kindergarten or from school, they went through fire, water and copper pipes with him.

This is worthy of respect and admiration. It’s not worth fighting with them for your husband’s attention - it will be useless and definitely not in your favor. If you didn’t have time to “get to know” them while you were dating, don’t miss this opportunity now.

Try to improve your relationship with them, with their wives, if you have them. This situation has several outcomes: you will like his company and make new friends, or you won’t like anyone and that’s a completely different story.

Just don't take the mac and cheese and knock on their door on a Sunday morning like in .

Analyze the situation, the relationship between husband and friends, friends and their wives, monitor reactions, establish contact. This way you can at least gather information and determine leverage if necessary.

Become “one of your own” in their circle, but only to the extent that he will not be jealous of his friends for you - otherwise this happens.

If you don’t like one of them, try to find some good traits in him, because for some reason they are friends with your spouse.

Take the initiative. Offer to have a barbecue at your dacha this weekend, invite all your friends and families, have a lot of fun together, invite them to your birthdays.

If you make such gatherings regular, you will soon gradually have your own “company” - and the question of “his friends” will cease to be relevant, since they will now be common.

Start family traditions. Invite him, for example, to spend every Friday/Saturday/every December 31st separately: he and his friends go to the bathhouse, and you and your girlfriends go to a bachelorette party or wherever you want. An exaggerated example, but still.

There are yours personal days, there are family ones - and one should not interfere with the other.

A funny option is to write a humorous one Family code- in your couple (family) and hang it on the refrigerator.

From time to time, let everyone make their suggestions and wishes, which can be discussed at a monthly family council (ideally, these are pleasant family gatherings).

Have an honest conversation with your husband. It is a calm, reasonable, constructive conversation, and not screams and scandals in the style of “how did they get me, and so did you”!

Only speak when he is happy, well-fed, calm and not worried about production work problems.

If it’s unpleasant for you, it hurts to see every time the choice is not in your favor - tell him how you feel, why, and offer a solution. what he thinks should be done and calmly discuss the situation.

Maybe it's not really about friends, but that you would like him to be more involved in raising children or just need a dishwasher for the kitchen? Or have you not worked out for a long time?

Create an atmosphere. Evaluate, as if from the outside, how cozy and sincere it is in your home, does he rest when he comes home after work? Does he want to return home?

Home is a chance to recharge, receive love, and recharge emotionally. If this is not the case, the man will look for an outlet in another “home”. With or with friends - it depends on your luck.

And believe me, friends - the most harmless option. If he can truly relax and unwind not with you, but with friends, ask yourself the question, not him: “Why?”

Take care of yourself. It is most important. Ask yourself a question: do you spend your time interestingly in his absence? Do you have friends, your own hobbies, interests?

Are you not putting pressure on him, are you not intrusive? Aren't you suffocating with your care? Do each of you have your own personal space?

Are you able to relax and have fun without him? Just try, for the sake of an experiment, to live for a week “for yourself,” to enjoy yourself, not paying attention to the presence or absence of your husband nearby at this time.

See if his attitude changes?

But there are also taboos

Make comments to him or in the presence of his friends, discuss his actions; flirt with one of your friends; give ultimatums; manipulate and deceive.

You yourself know what the consequences will be.

What should you be wary of?

Any extreme. For example, if he has no friends at all. None. This means that either a person does not know how to be a friend, or does not know how to create strong connections with people, or is so “self-sufficient” that he does not need anyone.

This is neither good nor bad, but in everyday life it is usually difficult to get along with such people. Or he has friends with whom in the evenings after work they go exclusively for a beer, but then this is more likely.
It’s a separate question if his friends obviously have a bad influence on him.

A simple example: when he signed up for expensive advanced training courses, and instead of the next class he went to drink beer with friends.

The other extreme: he sees friends more often than you have sex, he prefers to spend all his free time in their company, and not his family, home and children (if any) are completely on you - this is an alarm bell.

Perhaps you didn’t voice your views on family life when you were getting married?

Threat #2: His mom (and dad too)

There are cases when a man is strongly attached to his parents, especially his mother. Although psychologists say that this is usually a problem for women.

This is very good, but provided that you live separately and he maintains a certain distance in his relationship with his parents. Helps physically, financially, respects, visits, calls, congratulates on the holidays.

And at the same time, you and your husband have your own territory physically and psychologically, no one interferes with your family with advice and questions.

If, at the first call, he rushes to his mother to fulfill all her requests, if he regularly listens to her lamentations, complaints, demands (often about a bad daughter-in-law), he constantly owes her something, is guilty of something...

And most importantly, everything that happens in your family is decided by his mother - this is fundamentally wrong.

Mom, of course, loves him, but, unfortunately, without understanding it or wanting to, she often acts destructively.

This situation is also strange for you if you are an adult, self-sufficient person. BUT arguing with his parents and him about relationships with them is a waste of time.

It is much easier to choose the words and draw your husband’s attention (gently and in a feminine way) to those moments that you consider wrong and incorrect, from the position of a woman who loves him and sees everything from the outside.

If he is childish or - you will not envy you, for two reasons: it cannot be “cured” if the man himself does not want to, and it will be a titanic work for you.

And further. You still have to build a respectful relationship with his mother.

After all, you have at least one thing in common: you both love the same man. And your children are her grandchildren.

This is where your feminine wisdom, ability to be flexible and see the good in people will come in handy. And think at the same time, how will you behave with your own when he grows up?

What if it’s both?

Then this. The recipes are still the same, try and experiment. But the main thing is not to focus on what is happening to him.

Focus on own life, become the woman with whom you want to be close as often as possible, spend time, please, surprise and give gifts.

Then the problem of his parents or friends, or any other problem against the background of your relationship, will simply lose relevance

Is yours,
Yaroslav Samoilov.

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