A Russian person has a lot of relatives. And each relative has a strange name that requires decoding.

“Father-in-law” is the husband’s father to his daughter-in-law (derived from “mother-in-law”).

“Mother-in-law”, used to sound like “the blood of all”, “bring the blood”, the head of the clan that unites everyone blood relatives. Another version is “one’s own shelter” (previously in Rus', the bride was brought to her husband’s house, so the in-laws’ house became home).

“Dever” comes from the word “to trust.”

Who else but this man could the young wife entrust with what she considered the most intimate. According to another theory, a relative was called a brother-in-law not because he was trusted, but because, unlike others, he was often shown the door (you are not needed here with your advice, don’t act smart). As an option, the brother-in-law was shown the door after being entrusted with too much.

“Sister-in-law” comes from the word “evil”, so in some regions of Russia it was pronounced as “zlovka”.

This term may be associated with an ancient ritual when ashes were sprinkled on the bride’s head after the wedding (the husband’s sister also participated in this ritual). This word is found in literary works written before the 18th century. The sister was always jealous of her brother’s young wife, and believed that she was doing everything wrong, unscrupulous, so basically the term has a negative meaning.

“Daughter-in-law” means “he knows who.”

This meaning is due to the fact that when taking a girl from someone else’s family or other lands as a wife, the husband’s relatives did not know anything about her (her customs, character, skills), which means they take someone unknown into the house. The etymology of the word is associated with the patroness of the hearth - Vesta, who lived in Ancient Rome.

“Daughter-in-law” is a daughter-in-law, wife of a son, brother-in-law, or an experienced wife who already has children (“to be pregnant”, “to bear”).

The concept of “daughter-in-law” is not just a designation of kinship, but also a certain status. Another option - “daughter-in-law” comes from the word “son” - son's wife. But where did the “ha” particle come from? The groom's parents considered their daughters-in-law to be incompetent, so they could either laugh at them or criticize (teach) them. Therefore, the word “daughter-in-law” has a mocking character.

“Father-in-law” comes from the words: “dad”, “father”, “amuse”, “honor”, ​​parent of the wife.

A person who must monitor compliance with all traditions and laws of honor in the family.

“Mother-in-law” has Slavic roots and comes from the words “to console”, “to console”. After the wedding, the mother rarely sees her daughter, so she is amused when she comes. Another option is for the mother-in-law to console small children (grandchildren).

"Brother-in-law" is the wife's brother.

One of the points of view for denoting the word “brother-in-law” is to scold (it turns out he was scolded all the time). Another version is that the word comes from “SHCHUR”. In ancient times, people squinted to protect themselves from the evil eye. The brother-in-law is a friend of the young man who knows a lot, so he squints slyly. The verb “to rustle” was used when knitting brooms, weaving hedges and other products from branches. Therefore, the word “brother-in-law” means connected by family ties (we have brought you into our fold, so we are related).

“Sister-in-law” comes from the word “one’s own” (one’s own non-blood relative, but not a stranger either).

For a young husband, he often becomes his best friend.

“Brother-in-law” - previously in Rus' this was the name given to those with whom it was pleasant to spend time, especially to eat and drink.

Later, distant relatives who were not blood began to be called this. In this case, such a person is neither a relative nor a stranger. Even with relatives, sometimes there was not such a warm relationship as with brothers-in-law (after all, a brother, for example, may turn out to be a teetotaler).

“Son-in-law” - the main meaning of the word is “to take.”

Why take it? Because this is a man who took the girl (wife) as his wife, and not money from the bride’s parents. Another version is “son-in-law” - a person who becomes famous and familiar after the wedding. Only the man who brought his wife into his home could be called a son-in-law.

Olga Yurkovskaya specially for https://dni.ru

The topic of relationships with mother-in-law is much less anecdotal than “mother-in-law,” but the number of tragedies, family scenes and divorces in seemingly strong marriages due to the fault of mothers-in-law is off the charts. The reason for this is the man’s excessive infantilism, often superimposed on the parallel authoritarianism of his mother and the moral immaturity of his wife. The result is either the years of the Cold War, periodically accompanied by domestic sabotage, or a wedding, scandals and a ceremonial division of property. Let's figure out how to solve this problem. Once and for all.

Divide and don't let conquer

First rule building a good relationship with your mother-in-law sounds like this: it’s absolutely impossible to live together. A man should not be torn between opposing social roles - husband and son. For his mother, at any age, he is a child, small, in need of care and the best in the world. And for the wife, he is a protector, the head of the family and the father of their children together. And, if these roles constantly bump into each other, conflict in the head is inevitable. Therefore, under no circumstances should you live under the same roof with your in-laws. Even if you can't afford to rent an apartment, rent a dorm room, but separate yourself.

Realize that your mother-in-law, even the best in the world, will never be your friend. Don't indulge yourself with illusions. You took her beloved boy away from her, he now gives you most of his love, his time and attention. He buys you gifts, lives with you, takes care of you. Therefore, if you are constantly in front of your mother-in-law, jealousy is inevitable. As well as grievances and attempts to pull the blanket over oneself. Only one mother-in-law will do this demonstratively, impudently, and the other will do it gradually, sometimes without even realizing that “wishing well,” she is crossing the boundaries of what is essentially someone else’s family. And then there is a 99% chance that the marriage will either break up or turn into family hard labor. So separate yourself. By any means.

When distance doesn't help...

I often have to remind you that a person's formal age (as written in the passport) does not matter. You can live until retirement and still have the brain level of a teenager. It is quite possible that the mother-in-law is as intelligent as a fifteen-year-old girl, but considers herself a woman of wisdom and experience. And you, due to a lack of understanding of how to deal with this, are lost.

If the situation is familiar, second rule building a good relationship with your mother-in-law - distance yourself emotionally, imagine that this is not your mother-in-law, but one of your unfamiliar neighbors. She calls you with incomprehensible claims, grievances, instructive and soul-saving conversations. It is unpleasant for you to communicate with her. How will you react? And, moreover, how will you perceive her chatter? Introduced? This is exactly what your reaction to your mother-in-law’s conversations should now be - this is a stranger to you. And she doesn’t wish you any “good”. Since her own life has not been successful, she cannot advise you anything smart, but she is offended because you live better than she does.

Rule three : Live your life, and let your mother-in-law live hers. She is not your daughter to raise or feel sorry for. Her own adult choice in favor of immaturity is not your concern. Your task is to protect yourself and your family from the toxic influence of a stranger to you personally, I emphasize, an infantile person.

Read Karen Pryor’s book “Don’t Growl at the Dog” and use this book to decide which topics of conversation you like and which ones you are not interested in. And how will you stop talking about topics you don’t like? Explain what topics you are ready to talk about and what you are not - and let this decision become the sixth rule in your relationship with your mother-in-law. And act in accordance with these conditions. If you don’t take the initiative, your husband’s mother will blow your mind with her interests and talk to provoke you into emotions.

Some people manage to create passion even during a telephone conversation. If you don't manage this conversation, your mother-in-law may explore sensitive topics and step on her pet peeves. If you politely tolerate it, she will drive a tractor over your feelings, hurt you incredibly painfully, but a well-mannered girl will cry, lick her wounds and politely pick up the phone again so that it all happens again.

Tired of it? Write your own conversation script. You are smart and adult woman, then communicate according to those scenarios that suit you, and stop unpleasant dialogues. No one is forcing you to have a conversation you don't like. You are not being interrogated by the Gestapo, you are free to interrupt the conversation and leave. Learn to take responsibility for your condition and well-being and teach other people to respect your comfort.

She's a grandmother!...

Fourth rule building a good relationship with your mother-in-law calls for remembering that public opinion and established stereotypes are often wrong. Women are afraid to limit communication with their mother or mother-in-law under the pretext “she’s a grandmother, she loves her grandchildren.” Yes, grandma, but, alas, she doesn’t always love. For many grandmothers, love does not appear, something does not work out. Grandmothers may well not experience love on demand. Moreover, you are nobody to her; she may well not love you, but quietly hate you.

However, public opinion says that ignoring the grandmother is “not good”, and she appears in the house under the pretext of communicating with her grandchildren, but in fact - for the sake of keeping public opinion happy. At the same time, a grandmother can bring so much negativity that after her you and your children may even get sick. Do you remember if there are any such patterns? What did she come, say nasty things to you or the children and leave happy, but you have a headache? And most often she attacks you - under the pretext, of course, of being kind. She's the same dear person How can she give bad advice?

Maybe. And unknowingly. If a grandmother distances herself from her grandchildren or does dirty tricks over little things, there is only one conclusion - distance yourself. A person who truly loves will not obsessively interfere with aggression; he will find ways to interact pleasantly and with pleasure. And this communication will be joyful, unburdensome. If any conversation or any meeting with the older generation turns into hell, a stream of negativity, claims or reproaches - remove this poison from the life of your family, do not poison yourself.

It’s somehow inconvenient to leave an elderly person

Fifth rule building a good relationship with your mother-in-law will be useful in relationships with all relatives and friends without exception. It's about not allowing anyone to treat you badly. This behavior needs to be weaned off or communication reduced to zero. The ability to communicate is a necessary skill that every adult should and can develop. If the mother-in-law is important to the opportunity to talk with you or her grandchildren, she should do everything to be pleasant for you. Find at least one reason why a woman who is a stranger to you gets the right to control you, give ridiculous advice and ruin your mood? Why do you need this? You don't need anything from your mother-in-law. And her relationship with her own son is none of your business. Your job is to ensure that the husband defends the interests of his wife and family, and not his mother. As long as it protects, there is nothing to worry about.

It's his mom, not yours.

Your mother-in-law is a stranger, says sixth rule. This is his mother. If he wants to communicate with her, let him go to visit or go to theaters with her and communicate. And you mind your own business. If you do not force your husband to tolerate your mother-in-law, then he should not force your mother-in-law on you. If your husband doesn’t think so, most likely you yourself are not sure about the correctness of the decision not to see his mother. You too have been indoctrinated for many years social standards Soviet society, in which elders must be respected, even if they behave like impudent teenagers.

Sometimes, in response to a desire to stop communicating, they may begin to accuse you of insulting your mother-in-law. Answer yourself, how can it be an insult to not communicate with someone else’s woman, who is not your mother at all? Where is the logic in this statement? There are seven billion people on the planet - who else have you insulted by not communicating with them? These are strangers to you, just like your husband’s mother. You didn’t choose her to start a family and you didn’t decide to live happily ever after with her. You might as well not communicate with your husband's brother, his aunt, grandfather, cousin and ex-girlfriend.

If you are confident in your decision, no one will move you from your position. Let's say you are sure that children should only be had in official marriage— and you won’t be forced to give birth before it’s stamped in your passport. But what about alimony, if anything, and what if, who knows how life will turn out?

In a situation with your mother-in-law, if you are looking for approval from me - here it is, I approve of your decision to share communication. Share. Organize your mother-in-law's visits so that you are not at home at the time. Go away. Don't go visit her. Your husband will spend time with his mother, but you have no use for it.

Give yourself permission to do things your own way - rule number seven and for all time, if you want to be happy. Without doubting, without worrying and without thinking that maybe you are wrong? You're right. 100% This correct solution. The rest of the family system will adjust and will be forced to accept your position. And while you yourself doubt, you end up with these games in which you are manipulated, and you are a puppet bouncing under the hands of others.

Be that as it may, every girl who meets a guy’s parents is very worried and worried. In order to make such an acquaintance as comfortable as possible, you need to know a few tricks that can really elevate a girl in the eyes of her boyfriend’s parents. In order for the first acquaintance to be high-quality and problem-free, you must first find out everything about the character and habits of the chosen one’s parents. It is their behavior that will tell you how they assessed the girl, her appearance and character. Next, we'll look at some tips on how to meet a guy's parents and get them to like you.

Relatives of husband and wife: all about relationships

The husband's relatives, especially his mother, as well as his wife's mother, have long become the heroes, if not of jokes, then certainly of funny stories, and sometimes of very difficult events. Both joyful events associated with newfound relatives and very sad negative relationships between the older generation and the bride or groom brought by children into an already established family are worth paying attention to.

In such cases, you can even hear statements in the style of “I don’t like my husband’s relatives.” To get rid of negativity in life, you should know how to love your husband’s relatives and establish contact with your wife’s parents.

Relationships between a woman and her mother-in-law and father-in-law

A good relationship with relatives is beneficial to both parties - parents with their children, the older generation with the younger. But problems and conflicts often arise in the relationship between the daughter-in-law and her husband’s parents.

Girls very often complain about their mother-in-law and make statements like “my husband’s relatives do not accept me.” Indeed, it is the mother-in-law who can cause some of the most serious problems for a marriage. This can happen for several reasons:

1. The mother-in-law does not approve of her son’s choice, just as she does not approve, for example, of the low level of thriftiness of her child’s chosen one, her pedigree, her reluctance to have a child soon, or any other characteristic of the girl.
2. The mother-in-law behaves too selfishly, constantly demands attention from her son and is offended by the lack of it.
3. The husband's mother can also be overly critical and picky towards her daughter-in-law, checking and controlling her every move, which can certainly lead to quarrels, disputes and unpleasant disagreements.

In all such situations, you need to understand what to do if you don’t like your husband’s relatives, and how to take some steps to improve family relations among all of her relatives. For example, you should not react too aggressively to annoying criticism and it is better to pay attention to your husband’s parents more often and visit them on your own initiative.

It is important to remember that constant complaints to your husband are unlikely to improve the situation - the man will probably take the side of his mother, which certainly will not help get rid of quarrels.

Of course, there are various other methods and solutions that tell you how to protect yourself from your husband’s slanderous relatives. Among them, we can highlight such radical decisions as moving to another city, or simpler and more banal methods, such as restrained and cold communication with the newfound family, not allowing any of the relatives to be seriously hurt and offended by their words.

Negative image of mother-in-law

In fact, a mother-in-law poses a much smaller threat to a young couple's relationship than a selfish and critical mother-in-law. Perhaps the only thing a mother-in-law poses a threat to is self-esteem young man, since the wife’s mother very often likes to make fun of her son-in-law and tease him.

Otherwise, his wife does not allow criticism of her husband, preferring, if she discusses the problems of marriage with her mother, to do so completely unnoticed.

The father-in-law usually also does not interfere in his daughter’s relationship and reacts negatively to his son-in-law only if he really manages to offend his wife.

The girl’s chosen one may be suspicious of his wife’s parents if the husband’s former relatives, if previous marriages, became a negative example of the relationship between two families.

In this case, the husband should put aside prejudices and try to establish contact with new relatives, so as not to upset his beloved wife and not give his mother-in-law an extra reason to make barbs at her.

The importunity of the wife's mother should not be scary either - the annoyingness of the husband's mother is in no way inferior to her, and sometimes even “exceeds” her. However, a girl should not complain and tell negative stories about her husband’s relatives and himself to her parents - this may worry them and arouse suspicion on the topic the right choice chosen one for his daughter, which can cause a deterioration in communication between them and, as a result, quarrels within the couple.

Good relations between members of two families often depend not only on the behavior of the older generation, but also on the younger ones themselves. They must also show strength of character and stop arrogance own parents in case such actions are necessary, but at the same time show sufficient attention to relatives on both sides.

The husband's relatives or the wife's family can become real relatives if they find mutual language with everyone and try to create and maintain a good atmosphere.

I have been married for 7 years, just a year ago I thought that I was very lucky with my mother-in-law and big family husband. And he has about 14 immediate relatives, to whom we went every Saturday. The trip is 100 km one way.
His parents never interfered much, did not help, but they invited him to stay at their expense, gave him tickets, etc. And for me and my sister even a couple of times)) My father-in-law has the opportunity to make free tickets at work.

Everything changed a lot when I became pregnant (the first child in the family). Everyone began to say how much everyone would spoil the child.

My sister wanted to organize a baby shower for me (a small celebration to congratulate expectant mother and bring gifts to the child, such as a “dowry”).
Immediately the mother-in-law and her sister (husband’s aunt) jumped in and said that they would organize it. I asked that my sister also participate in this, so that there would be an opportunity for my mother to participate in this matter via Skype (my sister and I live in another country). My mother-in-law ignored this point, and when I asked again, she sent a message that she was canceling this holiday and it could not be celebrated with any of the relatives, only in a restaurant. Between this case, there were a lot of comments in SMS about what things we should put on the gift list for the shower, that we should definitely go to stores and look there, and not just on the Internet. And all with comments like, after all, this is your child. The aftertaste was not good for both my husband and me.
I worked 12-14 hours a day during pregnancy until the last day (and spent the whole night in the hospital while they prepared for the birth), so all this stressed me out on top of everything else. My husband also worked at the same pace, because he had to finish all the projects.

Then the mother-in-law decided that she was uncomfortable in front of other relatives and “did a favor” and returned the holiday 2 weeks before the appointed date, after she found out that the wives of 2 of her husband’s colleagues were cooperating with my sister and organizing the holiday.
All this got on my nerves.
There was a big disappointment at the holiday; all the distant relatives gave very good gifts, but the relatives with whom we constantly communicated gave a complete gift, and not from the sheet on which they themselves insisted. Moreover, it’s cheap, although everyone is very wealthy. To be honest, this really hurt me in light of the statements about how they would “pamper my child.” I also asked not to give anything pink, and of course my mother-in-law bought it pink clothes.

We didn’t know when I would give birth, but we warned everyone not to come to my hospital (they allow visitors into the room), I only wanted to see my husband. The birth was difficult for the baby and I had an emergency caesarean section. She was born small. I could not breathe, as a result I was put on oxygen and my husband stood with me and woke me up all night so that I would not stop breathing. That is, everything was not easy. When the next day the husband called his father to say that everything was fine. My father said that your mother flew there to see you, like meet you. Naturally, immediately upon arrival, she came to my room, and in outerwear, she had to be reminded to wash her hands. I was feeding the baby at that moment, she was not embarrassed, she pressed herself into the room and stared at my chest. Which I didn't like. And she began to have small talk with her husband about what she ate for breakfast. Afterwards, a nurse came to examine my stitch and other parts, my mother-in-law was not embarrassed, she did not even try to leave. It was very unpleasant, disgusting, because my honey was discussed. questions including how I poop (sorry). The last straw was that she took the baby out of the crib and essentially began to put his face to his outer clothing. I used the pretext that the child needed to sleep and asked me to put it down. I couldn’t even look at her, I felt disgusted and unpleasant, and it was a shame that my requests were being ignored. After that, her husband took her away, she kept him there for 2 hours, although I needed help with the child. After that, she repeated her arrival again, and I simply could not overcome myself and did not even look at her. My husband noticed this and tried to find out what was the matter, I naturally (hormones) expressed everything. To which he quickly sent her to relatives and she did not appear again.

My parents gave us 7 thousand dollars for our birth, his parents did not give us anything other than organizing the holiday (the organization cost 200 dollars, I saw the bill). At all. Even when she came to see me in the hospital, she didn’t give me anything. Although they have more opportunities than my parents, who work hard in Russia, although they are already retired.
And all his relatives know that I work 12-14 hours a day to earn money, because my husband is now having problems in the company. That money would allow me to sit with the child and relax, and not rush to feed her, then run to the computer to work remotely and finish projects.

All this left a very large residue. I feel very disgusted and disgusted to even think that in a week they will show up on my doorstep and touch my child. If I could, I would ban them from appearing here at all.
I refused all visits to relatives because I wouldn’t be lucky small child 100 km one way, so that his relatives would be comfortable. His relatives did not understand this. Absolutely, well, how will they have to get up and do something, but it’s unlikely that they will burden themselves like that. But the in-laws will definitely show up.

The situation is complicated by the fact that my mother arrives for a month and will live with us, that is, it turns out somehow unfair that my mother will get this time with her granddaughter, and I deliberately oblige his parents with time. I love and appreciate my husband and I don’t want to hurt him with my attitude towards his parents.

Questions:
1) Do you think from the situation that I perceive everything too much? My husband has the same grievances, but maybe we are too hormonal now and all this is “nonsense, an everyday matter”?
2) How can it be fair to my husband for my parents to stay with us for how long? Based on the fact that my mother will live with us for a month?
3) What should I do if I feel disgusted looking at them? How to overcome disgust, and how to make sure you don't rip your baby out of your arms when they decide to hold her. (I’m writing and the very thought is tearing me apart)
4) how to overcome resentment towards material things?
5) How not to offend or hurt your husband?

Thank you!

PS help with tags, free discussion is normal))

Hello!
You have self-doubt, and it was this that became the reason that you attracted events into your life that strengthened it even more.
Believe it for your children happy mom much more important for their development and well-being than order in the house!
It is important to look at the situation without illusions. The parents of your chosen one or chosen one - they have their own motives in this situation. No matter how happy they are with you at first, you should not hope that your parents will become your friends. How does it happen in life? And in life it often happens like this, for example: a woman initially perceives her mother-in-law as her friend and ally. The mother-in-law is first and foremost a rival. The danger of the situation lies in the fact that if the woman lacks self-confidence and the connivance of her chosen one, the mother-in-law can also win in this rivalry. Similar processes occur during the interaction between a man and his mother-in-law. She shares living space with the young people and gives her care not at all disinterestedly. The mother of your chosen one expects that her gifts will be appreciated and returned to her in the form of financial benefits, gratitude, and moral support from, first of all, her daughter’s man. Perhaps, reading this now, you are silently waving your hand and saying, “Yes, no problem.” Alas, it seems so easy to you now, but in reality it is very difficult to satisfy the needs of your mother-in-law. This complexity is explained by the fact that, in an amicable way, it is not for you to satisfy these needs. The situation may be further aggravated by the absence (actual or psychological) of a man from the mother-in-law or mother-in-law. Then, for example, the mother-in-law begins to argue that “here comes a freeloader for everything that’s ready, and she also stole my son from me.” For single mothers, a son or daughter often becomes partly a substitute for a husband. And then it is impossible for her to prove that “son” or “daughter” are already adults, adult individuals. And it’s a thankless task to negotiate with the parents of your chosen one. Only a son or daughter can successfully conduct these negotiations with their parents. You can only explain to your significant other your feelings and desires about the current situation, and he/she can already talk to improve the situation. It turns out that when you come to the living space of your loved one, where his parents already live, you find yourself highly dependent on your chosen one. And this is exactly what my main recommendation will be about what to choose: rent an apartment or live with your parents. I recommend soberly assessing what behavior you predict for your significant other when disagreements arise with your parents. This is important because if you yourself negotiate, for example, with your mother-in-law, she will perceive this as a violation of her personal boundaries and an invasion of her territory. And it will be absolutely sad if the daughter unites with her mother, and they harmoniously begin to remake you. Be prepared for the fact that your significant other will not understand you, because she/he is already accustomed to the peculiarities of their parents’ behavior, and conflicts with them are much easier for you than for you. As you have already noticed, I do not touch on the topic of communication with my father-in-law or father-in-law and I do this because fathers, as a rule, break the psycho-emotional connection with their child more easily than mothers. And because of this, mothers are almost always not happy with the choice of their child. For any mother, it is self-evident that her child is absolutely super-valuable and that his chosen one is expected to be perfect. And at the same time, they lose sight of the fact that their treasure chooses a soul mate for himself, and what is good for one is not so good for another. No matter how similar mother and child may be, they are still different in some ways. It is natural that the chosen one may not like the mother in some way, but she does not want to understand this. In conclusion, I would like to recommend that you do not engage in the hopeless task of changing your or other people’s parents, but look for those moments in life that are completely within your power to change, for example, agree with your husband so that his relatives will again remain apart from your family - as it was before .
Wisdom, happiness and health to your family and you!

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