Who in the family should be the initiator? Who should start intimate games first? and equal responsibility of both partners

Why does a man always have to make the first move to seduce a woman? Take the pleasure into your own hands and finally take the initiative. We'll tell you how.

Switch roles

If before the spouse acted as the instigator, then this time do the opposite. Wait for the right moment (when your man is not busy with anything and the children are sleeping), approach him and tell him directly what you would like in this moment. For example, “I want you to undress me right here” or in a commanding tone you will need to kiss yourself and then lie down on the bed together. Believe me, the man will understand what they want from him. In addition, through our actions we will set the tone and mood for the evening, which means everything will go the way you want.

Play

A great option for foreplay. Send your spouse a playful SMS in which you announce in a veiled form what awaits him this evening. Or take the initiative and arrange an intimate correspondence in which you tell about your sexual fantasies and desires. We are sure that your husband will hardly wait until the end of the working day without pouncing on you right from the doorway!

Make plans for the evening

Set your loved one up for a romantic mood in the morning. For example, lay out the sexiest set of lingerie on a made bed. To his questions about the kit, smile mysteriously and say that he will find out about everything at night.

Such announcements incredibly turn men on, and to a greater extent not only from the fact that he will fantasize about everything in the world, but also from the fact that he sees in you a brave and decisive seductress, with whom he will definitely not refuse to communicate closely.

Dress up

Tease your lover by walking in front of him in stockings and other sexy clothes. The option with stockings works great in combination with regular ones. casual clothes(especially convenient if schoolchildren have already gone to school, and you are left alone and are going to work). As if by chance, expose a small part of your body, and he will definitely appreciate it - quick sex before leaving the house.

Offer to try something new

New positions, techniques and additional accessories for love games - all this will help diversify your sex life and bring many bright moments of pleasure into it. What kind of thing is this? effective remedy against routine in relationships!

Invite your spouse to experiment in bed and abandon the usual positions and scenarios for a while. Let everything happen spontaneously. We are sure that he will enthusiastically begin to conquer new sexual horizons.

Get a massage

Almost all men dream of a slow and sensual massage with continuation. True, if he hasn’t worked a shift, after which he can snore on the pillow from any touch.

Do you think you really know how to care for the object of your love? Then you will be surprised by the latest comments from psychologists.

Sex will be better if a woman initiates it

In the animal kingdom, most males simply show their genitals to females to demonstrate their readiness for sexual intercourse. Everything is simple for them. The female of any animal will not laugh, ignore the male, or complain of a headache.

A woman is created in such a way that what is required of her special approach, and it has an alarming background - the possibility of failure, which almost all men fear. Every refusal by a woman is a serious psychological trauma for a man.

Moreover, with experience and age, peace in this matter never comes to the representatives of the stronger sex. Therefore, when a woman is the first to take a step towards rapprochement, it is much more pleasant for a man to deal with her. This dulls his sense of obligation to lead sexual behavior and helps him feel desired and needed.

Even hand washing can be an aphrodisiac.

Historically, men have been more direct and able to state what they want. Unfortunately, this type of behavior is unacceptable in sex. How more persistent man will seek intimacy from a woman, the less likely he will receive consent from her. Women expect sophistication and ingenuity in their approaches from men, and men, in turn, often do not even understand that there is any alternative to their behavior.

Human females need to be shown how sexy they are, they need to be loved, they need to be cherished and adored. No woman will be happy because she is something taken for granted in a man’s life. And while foreplay is very important, what happens before it is equally important.

Stress simply kills sexual desire in a woman, because it plunges her into the abyss of negative emotions, and they, in turn, nullify any positive attitude for a woman - that’s how she’s built. When a woman is tired, overeated or anxious, her sexuality can drop to zero. At times like these, it is very important to help her feel soft, attractive and needed.

For a woman who devotes a lot of time to children and housework, it can be difficult to find time for sex. Most often, she just wants to go to bed peacefully in the evening after a long and busy day. A man who does housework for her, as shown by the results of a study by psychologists, aroused his partner most of all. Most men will be shocked, but the fact that he vacuumed the apartment will be more exciting for her than dinner in a luxurious restaurant.

To make an impression, a man must be well dressed

Syracuse University anthropologists John Townsend and Gary Levy conducted an experiment to study the effect of expensive clothing on men on their attractiveness to members of the opposite sex. During the study, scientists showed women photographs of men dressed in expensive formal suits, white shirts with handmade ties, showing expensive watches on their wrists.

Women were asked to rate the attractiveness of each person in the photo in order to agree to have coffee with him, go on a date, spend the night or get married. These same participants were shown images of the same men, but in such casual clothes as T-shirts and jeans, baseball caps and fast food restaurant uniforms.

The majority of women indicated that they would consider the possibilities of any of the listed contacts in a positive way, of course, in relation to well-dressed and expensively dressed men, sex-news.ru reports.

Smart women don't know how to choose love partners

Studies have shown that the higher a woman's intelligence, the lower her emotionality. In other words, the brighter and more extraordinary a woman is, the worse she understands love relationships. Highly professional female professionals have a higher divorce rate and a lower likelihood of having children.

In fact, women who earn a lot are twice as likely to get divorced as others. This suggests that financially secure women are less tolerant and more authoritarian towards men, so it is often difficult for men to feel complete next to such a businesswoman.

Psychologist Robert Holden says intelligent women spend too much time analyzing the meanings and motives of relationships instead of allowing themselves to be open and emotional towards men.

Humor is the best aphrodisiac

A man's sense of humor always ranks high on the list of the most attractive traits for women. When a woman laughs, her brain stimulates the production of endorphins, which cause feelings of joy, comfort and warmth. Endorphins also have a pronounced pain-relieving effect and stimulate work immune system, protecting our body from diseases.

Laughter also causes a decrease in the production of stress hormones such as cortisol, lowering arterial pressure and reducing the risk of developing cardiovascular diseases. A woman also subconsciously always understands that a man who is able to notice the good is better suited to support her. good health, well-being and life in general.

Men, in turn, also understand the power of humor over female attention, so they often compete with each other in this - just remember these endless joke-telling tournaments. Men know that whoever makes a woman laugh the hardest will get the woman.

18:13 / 01 July 2017

The opinions of Novorossiysk residents differed today

Victor, 34 years old:

At the initial stage of a relationship, the initiative should come from the man. He is a knight, he achieves and takes. Later, when the relationship has already passed the candy-bouquet stage, it is very good when the woman begins affection first. It's nice to wake up when your beloved covers your body with kisses. This keeps a man confident that he is needed, he is wanted even without snotty SMS and without everyday gifts.

Tamara, 25 years old:

The initiative for sex should be taken by the one who wanted it. And the gender factor is not important here at all. Why? Because it's logical. Otherwise, she shouldn’t be the first to call, or write, or call somewhere. But, apparently, she should die in an apartment with 50 cats...

Anfisa, 45 years old:

A woman can then (especially if we are talking about the beginning of a relationship) take the initiative when she is sure that the man is not indifferent. Otherwise, you’ll just lose yourself.

Enyo, 27 years old:

Man, but here you have to somehow feel the moment so as not to disgrace yourself. But in principle it doesn’t matter, in the sense of who is first. Usually everything somehow happens mutually, well, you meet, go to a cafe, eat corn on the embankment, invite you home to watch a Bergman or Trier film, and somehow everything sticks together by itself. I don’t think that if a woman takes the initiative first, then this is bad, with the exception of cases of blueprinting or outright harassment, when the desire is not mutual.

Svetlana, 24 years old:

A man and only a man. Because woe is the man who cannot seduce a woman. And in general, if a girl is aimed at serious relationship, then after sex, to which she herself took the initiative, it will be difficult for her to take the relationship into a serious direction. Well, if this is a holiday romance, and both partners understand that it will all end on some Cote d’Azur, then it doesn’t matter who took the initiative. The main thing is that they enjoy sex.

Arseny, 28 years old:

According to my mood, I think. This is the same thing - for emotional release and raising your spirits. So, whoever needs it now, let him take the initiative. This is what I mean normal relationship. And if we are talking about a one-time chohen-pohen, then both partners give conditional consent when they meet and flirt - play, although both understand how the whole thing will end.

Elena, 26 years old:

Both! And the more often, the better!

Marina, 29 years old:

Whoever wants more should! It’s like with us - he didn’t declare his intentions in time, he was left without everything!

Gennady, 27 years old:

Weird question. Whoever wants to fuck who should be the first.

Ekaterina, 27 years old:

The first must be a man. He is the main one in relationships and in the family. And the man should be the first to show feelings, because if a woman always makes the first move, it means the man does not value her and does not love her. By nature, men must pursue their ladies; they are accustomed to fighting for her attention. If this does not happen, then the man degrades, lies on the sofa in a dirty T-shirt, drinks beer and watches football, and then yells: “Make borscht, woman!” It should not be. Let him run after his lady all his life and woo her.

Among the great many quarrels related to sex in seemingly established love and family couples, such quarrels are widespread when men and women conflict over who more often and who less often takes the initiative to start intimate games, who is almost obliged to their sexual desire first, and whoever wants to be persuaded, or at least first pre-positioned for sex. In general, in this chapter we will talk about this type of grievance that arises from the fact that one day it occurs to us: “It feels like sex in our couple is needed only by me and no one else... Starting an intimate game from time to time falls precisely on me! It's a mess!!!" I think such a conversation will be very useful. Thank you for immediately agreeing with me. I really hoped so!

General considerations

No matter how sad it may sound, the fact remains:

Only a very small number of men and women

have adequate self-esteem.

Such people always know exactly what they really are, they are self-critical, they make timely amendments to their behavior based on the behavior of others and the characteristics of the moment, and at the same time they feel more or less psychologically comfortable. But the vast majority of all inhabitants of planet Earth (due to a countless variety of reasons), while maintaining the psychological balance “I - the people around me,” are almost always biased and carry in their consciousness or underestimated or overpriced self-esteem. At the same time, whether underestimated (I am worse than some or many) or overestimated (I am better than most of those around me) self-esteem in practice gives approximately the same results, namely:

- increased conflict with others (those with high self-esteem tend to quarrel more often, those with low self-esteem - less often);

- constant resentment towards those people with whom a person has to communicate (that is, those who allegedly cannot evaluate a person correctly);

- long-term psychological tension that arises when a person has to correlate his individual needs, requests, demands and wishes with the same individual needs, requests, demands and wishes of other people.

And since, as I said above, low or high self-esteem is psychological characteristics almost all modern men and women, which means that you and I absolutely shouldn’t pretend that we are holier than the Pope in this matter, we shouldn’t be ashamed of our own possible psychological problems, and it’s time to honestly admit:

For many men and women, almost ANY communication with other people is, to a greater or lesser extent, STRESS.

At the same time, we should not perceive the word “stress” only in a negative way: the deeply hidden fear that someone will deny us something is often the basis for a sudden improvement in our mood if we suddenly achieve success and everything We still get what we want! And in this sense, any initial stress is the basis for possible subsequent moral satisfaction and physical (and even sexual) pleasure. So stress, or even the fear of stress, is essentially our internal engine that carries us through life. And the complex division of people into those who have low, high or adequate self-esteem is nothing more than a special trick of Mother Nature, who thus built into each of us an inextinguishable source of energy (almost a mini nuclear reactor), thanks to which we all We strive to achieve high things in our lives social status, fame, money and popularity, that is, just everything that will protect our low or high self-esteem, our own personality from painful blows to our pride. In general, it turns out:

Our whole life is a struggle for promotion

our own self-esteem!

And if, no matter how scary the words about low or high self-esteem may sound in general, all this is actually very useful for our own stimulation and for the development and progress of society as a whole, then in relation to the sphere of intimacy, this, alas, is not as good as we would like it to be. And the whole point here is that among the variety of conflicts around sex, there is one: the mutual resentment of partners that the initiative to start intimate games most often belongs to one person.

And the initial reasons for this resentment, after my psychological introduction, probably became clear to you yourself:

Reason #1. A man or woman with low self-esteem may think something like this: “Life is already difficult, it’s already very difficult for me, but here in my own love or family relationships I still have to constantly take the initiative to start sex... Yes, of course, I’m not a supermodel, but that’s not a reason to humiliate me so often because I’m regularly put in the position of begging for sex! The question is, why do you need to constantly rub my nose in this circumstance that I am not the best?! Why does my partner never, or almost never, try to hit on me first?! In the end, is it really only me who needs sex, am I really “concerned”?! Do I need more than everyone else?! And since my partner is so smart, let him come up with something himself and, if he wants, make do with masturbation! And I won’t show any more initiative! That’s it, I’ve had enough!”

Reason #2. But a man or woman who already has high self-esteem may think completely differently: “I look great, I earn good money and I know my worth well! Many people would probably like to be friends with me (to start a family with me). Therefore, the one who is friends (lives) with me now is simply obliged to make some efforts in order to attract my sexual attention! And in order for me not to stare at others, my other half must be and behave at least a little sexier than those around me. Therefore, I will behave exactly the way I want, and at the same time carefully monitor how sexual my partner’s behavior will be. If it's very sexual, then we will have sex. If it’s not very good, then we’ll temporarily do without sex and let him (s) think carefully about why we don’t have anything, draw the necessary conclusions and increase his sexuality.

And when I come home tired, double sexuality is generally required for my involvement in intimacy: I earn money and therefore require special treatment. And if for some reason I refuse sex, I definitely need to be forgiven! But if I myself want something, I absolutely shouldn’t be denied sex... Oh, how it shouldn’t be!”

Well, how do you like THIS? Did you recognize yourself in any of the two options? Surely, we found out... And now you clearly understand that communication between a man and a woman who have the first and second variants of mutually directed self-esteem is almost guaranteed to lead to sexual quarrels and sexual cooling.

By the way, you may well recognize yourself in both versions at once, and this will also be quite normal and does not even smell like a split consciousness. After all, the whole point here is this:

For all of us, every day of our life is a kind of psychological swing: depending on our victories and defeats, our self-esteem either flies high or falls deep down.

Accordingly, our self-esteem as a whole is, as it were, the arithmetic average of our successes and failures throughout our entire previous life, but its value on any given day can sometimes differ very significantly from general level generally.

Simply put, even though they are generally prone to low self-esteem, men and women can at times feel like very important people. But people who tend to extol themselves too much can sometimes receive such heavy blows to their inflated self-esteem that they are ready to hide in a corner and cry bitterly because no one truly appreciates them. Therefore, one day we are alone, and on another day we are different, and on the third day we are third!

Well, my dear readers, did you catch the essence of what you read? Of course we got it!!! (In this simple way, depending on your mental reaction, I increase or decrease your self-esteem... You see how very easy this is actually to do!). So, keep in mind:

Conflicts over the fact that men and women

one day they get tired of the initiative for sex in their couple

all the time belongs only to them alone,

almost always arise not at all on the basis of sex itself,

but on the basis of human self-esteem!

And technically it looks like this. As you yourself know very well (here I will definitely increase your self-esteem!), almost all love or family couples are created on the basis of some difference between the psychotypes of partners, the psychotypes of men and women. For example, a leading man is a clear carrier of high self-esteem and a less conflicted girl with low self-esteem. Or a strong business woman or more weak man. Or here’s another: An energetic man who has achieved success all his life precisely due to the fact that he consciously and constantly struggles with his low self-esteem (and it comes from childhood, where everyone oppressed him) and more calm girl with inflated self-esteem, which perceives the presence of just such a punchy man nearby as a matter of course, as something simply initially corresponding to her high rank. Etc. and so on. But then the law of psychological dynamic equilibrium comes into force:

As long as the average annual self-esteem of partners remains at the level that existed at the time of the formation of intimate relationships between them, someone’s sexual initiative, and someone’s sexual lack of initiative (not to be confused with frigidity or passivity) are perceived by them as the norm and do not lead to to conflicts, breaking dishes or “sex strikes”. However, as soon as the self-esteem of one of the partners changes SIGNIFICANTLY (due to him/her) success in life or failures), as after some time a quarrel inevitably arises over who should be the initiator of intimate games in a given couple.

Did you get the point? When it seems to us that a quarrel over who should take the initiative for sex in our couple arose completely by accident, in fact, this is completely not the case: what happened is always very natural! It’s just that at this moment in time something from the following list happened:

Option "A". At work, things have gone up for the lady, her self-esteem has grown and she already believes that she is tired of sexually (and not only) pleasing that husband, whose position and self-esteem, although objectively have not changed, however, the status of the husband relative to the more successful wife is still the same. essentially decreased. And then one day she tells him: “I’ve had enough! Tired of it! Enough! From now on, please me yourself in sex and look for approaches to me yourself. And from now on I won’t drag you into bed!”

Option "B". Although the lady’s position is not God knows how good, her self-esteem is at the same level as it was, however, the husband’s status and his salary one day noticeably deteriorated and so the lady decides that he no longer deserves his sexually privileged position: there is too little money in the family! Accordingly, without changing at all, a woman’s self-esteem still increases relative to her husband. And here we hear again: “I’m tired of it! Enough! As much as possible, all me and me... I don’t need this anymore!!!”

Option "B". In general, nothing changes in the life of a guy and a girl, but spring came, the girl began to wear short skirts, men's compliments showered on her, her self-esteem immediately grew, she realized that she could easily find another friend and the lady immediately began to rebel: “Darling, if you don’t want to lose me, go ahead and run around me and conquer my sexual interest, otherwise someone else will conquer it...”

Simply put,

Our conscious and subconscious minds constantly scan our self-esteem and the self-esteem of our sexual partners. The slightest change in someone's self-esteem immediately leads to redistribution of roles in the sex life of every couple. And if this redistribution does not occur peacefully, it necessarily occurs in the process of a quarrel, which may be precisely a quarrel over sex, or may outwardly appear to be a quarrel over a completely different issue. But even though outwardly they appear to be quarrels not about sex at all, but about something else, these kinds of quarrels are still quarrels around sex, quarrels over the redistribution of sexual roles in a given couple.

I emphasize: formally the quarrel itself may not exist! Well, let’s say a man started to receive less, and his wife began to receive more. As a result, his self-esteem deteriorates, but if his consciousness works adequately to the situation and he begins to compensate for the drop in his importance in a couple by periodically cleaning the house, preparing dinner and almost constantly taking the initiative for sex. His wife sees this, her self-esteem grows, and as a result, no conflict occurs: although the husband and wife swapped roles in sex, this happened gradually and with the consent of the parties, while the family was preserved and sex remained in it.

But if a man, having temporarily become less successful, does not change his behavior, and continues to play the role of the owner and demand sexual initiative only from his wife, then the matter will certainly end in a scandal and a deterioration in family sex.

The same thing will happen if a wife, who suddenly became more successful and increased her self-esteem, even seeing that her husband wisely began to adapt to this situation by showing his sexual and economic initiative, still tries to compensate for her past humiliated position with conscious humiliation of the husband and the beginning of open dictatorship in his direction, this will again lead to a sexual crisis and, possibly, the destruction of the family (couple). And so on and so forth. And if you take into account that (as I said above) The self-esteem of men and women can fluctuate quite significantly almost daily, you will be able to understand the simple reality of love and family relationships:

Quarrels over who should initiate sex

Are a necessary part of existence

absolutely all love and family couples.

And these quarrels happen out loud (with breaking dishes on each other’s heads) or silently, in the souls of partners or spouses, it doesn’t matter anymore: the main thing is that they exist!

Well, now you (depending on your status in a love or family relationship) can correlate with your own couple one of the following two types of behavior of partners, which are the most common:

Option #1. “For those who are trying to play the role of the main one in a couple.”

You have finally realized that your partner, who periodically resents the fact that he/she always has to take the sexual initiative, in fact, he is indignant for good reason and not just like that: the reason for all this is his (her) pride and your offensive ignorance of the sexual requests and psychological state of the person close to you! And all this is simply because you are sincerely convinced that you are the main one!

Option #2. “For those who are forced to play a non-leading role in a couple.”

You have finally understood what motivates you when you are indignant that all the functions of the sexual initiator in your couple are chronically shifted to you: you are driven not only by the desire for sex, but also by your hurt pride! And it’s easy to understand: by fighting to increase your status and your self-esteem, you are doing exactly the right thing! In the end:

Within the framework of an already established pair,

sex should be an equal asset, an equal right

and equal responsibility of both partners!

And this is how it really should be! After all, when you created love or family relationships, you also fought for your right to receive high-quality and free sex every day! And if you begin to deny this and pretend that it is not so, you will simply make an unforgivable mistake and end up without sex.

However, enough general discussions. We already understand why men and women quarrel; it is already clear that lovers and partners are obliged to take into account and protect their self-esteem loved one and only one question arises: what to do? This is what we will talk about now in practical recommendations.

First. Don't think that your partner doesn't respect you!

Obvious conflicts and hidden grievances because one of the partners

forced to constantly take the initiative to start sex,

and therefore feels like a “second-class person” because of this

occur in at least seven out of ten pairs.

Moreover, first one partner is offended, then the second, then... I almost said the third! No, no, of course, first again! However, if such conflicts become constant and regular in a certain couple, this can actually lead (and certainly leads) to betrayal. And then, indeed, someone else may be dissatisfied with their role in love sex...

So, to prevent this very notorious “third wheel” from appearing in your couple, try to avoid the following two extremes:

- Firstly, in no case consider your partner, who has low or high self-esteem and, accordingly, either strives to behave too submissively and obsequiously, or, on the contrary, is too cold and arrogant (even if he has a strong sexual desire), as specially striving make you feel bad! Alas, this behavior is typical for modern men and women, and it is precisely such quarrels that have long become common! And therefore, when they arise in your couple (and they will definitely arise!), I strongly advise you not to think about changing one of your “half” to the other (in this case, everything will be exactly the same for you!), but about how to avoid all this in principle.

Second. Don't turn sex into an event!!!

My long-term psychological observations clearly show:

Quarrels due to the fact that someone in a couple is entrusted with a responsibility is always

starting sexual play first is especially typical for such couples,

where every intimate moment is almost a “promotion of the week or month.”

Simply put,

Inviting a partner for sex is especially difficult psychologically

precisely in those couples where sex isone-time event

and occurs extremely rarely and irregularly.

It is with this current intimate life, when sex is an event, after each sexual episode there is a long sexual pause, and men and women are especially embarrassed to take on such an unsightly and offensive role for pride as a “sexually anxious person” and say with sadness and anger in their voice: “Listen, beloved, don’t you think that you and I will soon forget how to do what we once liked so much? Maybe it’s time for you and me, as a matter of democratic compulsion, to move towards the marital bed? Or will you say again that you have a headache today, you’re tired after work, and in general, you’re already sleepy, and then I’ll look like a horny hamadryas again? Are you tired of putting me in such a humiliating role yet? Do you even respect me as a woman (man)?!” In general, you understand:

If you want to avoid most sex scandals,

Your couple should have sex as often as possible!

And in this case, the very fact of constant sex will relieve psychological stress in partners and make a cheerful erotic mood a constant characteristic of this couple. And the brevity of the pause between sessions of good intimacy will lead to the fact that certain requests and hints about sex will not be perceived as obsessive begging or ostentatious “grabbing a fur coat from a master’s shoulder.”

In loving and married couples, sex should not be

some event, action, something out of the ordinary!

It should be frequent, regular and interesting!

Then there will be no quarrels: the partners simply will not have time for this. They will spend all their free time doing something else... And you, most likely, have already guessed what exactly. That's right: reading my books!

Third. Agree on conditional signals!

Let's start from reality: due to various features of the structure of our psyche and physiology,

Every second we test the behavior of others “for sex”,

on whether they want sex or not, and whether it is possible

take personal part in this someone else's desire!

And one should not think that this feature of our behavior disappears somewhere after the formation of a stable love or married couple: in no case! It’s just that if a particular couple does not develop frequent intimate relationships, this will lead to the fact that the partner who does not receive a positive sexual reaction from his half will definitely begin to test “for sex” completely different people, all those with whom he ( she) will have to communicate. Such a sexually dissatisfied partner will constantly tell other people sexual jokes, joke with them about intimacy and greedily catch exactly the kind of reaction that can be interpreted by him as a desire for sex. And where two people see each other’s desire for sex, as you yourself understand, it’s not far from cheating...

Based on this, I recommend the following to those men and women who cannot boast of frequent sex: Agree with your partner that your couple will have a certain conditional signal to the start of sex. This is a signal that should be easily and completely unambiguously read by a partner as a request-invitation for sex! And the partner who sees this is simply obliged (this is the essence of your agreement) to immediately take part in the sexual game without any excuses!

You can have anything as this conditional signal. For example:

- an encrypted SMS message, like: “Somehow, something, something...”;

- a candle placed on the table in the kitchen;

- a bra hanging from a chandelier;

- a paper heart card attached to the teapot;

- a piece of paper with the inscription “I want!”, stuck to the mirror in the bathroom;

- a bright arrow pointer directed towards the bedroom;

- two plush toys placed in an interesting position;

— two cans of beer taken out of the refrigerator after dinner;

— a box with condoms ostentatiously laid out from the dressing table;

- a special glamorous robe, the very fact of wearing which in your couple means something...

When agreeing that a certain action will be a silent signal that one of the partners wanted something, at the same time you must set a firm condition for each other:

The desire for intimacy with one partner should be

UNCONDITIONAL command for the second partner!

Otherwise, there will simply be no practical use from this agreement. But if your couple really manages to make sure that to start intimacy you don’t need to say anything at all to your partner or ask him for anything, and everything is limited to a silent conditioned signal, then everything will be fine with your couple and sexual longevity definitely guaranteed for you.

Fourth. Never specify your partner's sexual desire!

My psychological observations indicate that the vast majority of men and women really don’t like it when, in response to their hints about sex, their partners look at them carefully and very seriously ask: “So, do you really want sex?!” Having heard this, according to my surveys, many initiators of intimate games:

— are ready to literally fall through the ground from shame;

- experience a feeling of sudden irritation from the partner’s behavior;

— they curse the fact that they decided to ask for sex first.

Etc. and so on. And in any of these cases, their sexual enthusiasm almost always disappears. Accordingly, I want to give you one more important piece of advice:

Seeing or hearing your loved one's sexual desire

specific proposal to start active actions on erotic

front - do not ask any clarifying questions!

Just have sex immediately!

Otherwise, instead of experiencing positive emotions, the initiator of intimacy will almost certainly be offended by his overly cold-blooded and reasonable partner and will most likely shrug his shoulders uncertainly and say: “Yes, no, I didn’t really want anything.” ... In general, I can do without it... As you wish! After which the same sexual pause will arise in the couple, which will then be much more difficult to overcome. And if you consider yourself a smart girl or smart man, then as soon as you understand what exactly your loved one is hinting at, immediately put aside any of your affairs and open your arms to him/her. And then completely normal positive sexual emotions will only be strengthened by additional emotions of simple human gratitude!

Fifth. Take turns initiating intimate games!

Having agreed on two important things - namely, that you will give each other such special conditioned signals about your intimate desire that should cause quick response on the part of your partner, you can go further and agree that you will take turns taking the sexual initiative: once by you, the other time by your partner. However, speaking about this seemingly completely elementary solution to the problem, I immediately note one nuance:

Despite the apparent obviousness and simplicity of this solution “sexual initiative - take turns!”, according to my observations, in the vast majority of couples this scheme does not work. It doesn’t work, firstly, because in the majority of couples the roles of leader and follower are distributed too clearly, and secondly, the speed at which sexual desires arise is too different for different people.

You understand: the “sexual initiative - take turns” option can only work successfully where partners feel their sexual desire approximately equally, that is, at comparable time intervals. For example, when both partners feel the need for intimacy, say all the time one, two or three days after the previous sexual contact. But if one partner takes the initiative every other day, and the other only after three or four days, of course, this will begin to emotionally hurt the first: “Like, what do I need, more than anyone else? Am I the main sexually horny one here?! No, no, please!” Accordingly, there can be only two ways out of this situation:

Exit No. 1. The partners agree in advance that by switching to the “sexual initiative - take turns” scheme, they will not be offended by each other if someone begins to show it faster, and someone slower;

Exit No. 2. Partners agree in advance on what exact interval will most often be between their sexual initiatives, that is, they will try to combine their sexual schedules in one way or another.

And about the last point we should say a couple more words separately.

Sixth. Combine your sex schedules.

Real, not movie sex life always consists of alternating periods of activity and passivity. Life practice convincingly shows: you can demand “hot things” from an engineer, teacher, official, office manager, sales representative, worker or officer (and other categories of people who are traditionally very tired of their work) only if they are very They were sexually “cold” for a long time, that is, they abstained from sex for a long time. In this sense, it should be understood:

There's always a lot to good sex

previous intimate abstinence!

And this is also normal: each person has his own sexual schedule: someone begins to urgently want their partner two days after the last sexual contact, someone already five minutes after breaking up, and someone “warms up” only after five to seven days, just in time for the weekend. That very optimal coincidence of the hands of the sexual clock in your bodies, which gives rise to the most powerful erotic experiences, in practice, unfortunately, does not happen so often... Therefore, it is best to agree on this in advance. And this is done in the following way: first you need to understand your own sexual rhythm. At the same time, there is no need to underestimate or overestimate it, to appear sexier than you are: let it be only the way it really is! Then, already knowing exactly after what time you usually begin to desire intimacy, go out for a frank conversation with your loved one. Give him a similar task. Having found out the time of awakening of his sexual needs, simply combine your sexual schedules according to the following scheme.

Options for combining sexual schedules of partners:

Option #1. Average graph.

An option for averaging the schedule of your sexual contacts looks like this: let’s say you want sex every other day, and he (she) wants sex every other day. This means that it is more or less optimal to have sex once every two days. As they say, “all sisters have earrings,” both partners will definitely want sex approximately equally.

Option #2. Matching the laggard.

The “matching the laggard” option looks like this: If you want sex in two days, but your partner only wants sex in three, you should give in to a less “hot” partner. Having sex in his/her format, that is, when you already strongly desire sex, but your partner is also already warm enough, you get maximum pleasure. Is this bad?

Option #3. Alignment with the leader.

The option of “looking up to the leader” is possible only when the more “sexually cold” partner sincerely wants to “become sexually better.” In this case, the sexual leader of the couple must show maximum patience and spend some time teaching his partner those “sexual technologies” that can give him/her so much pleasure from sex, after which the person will fully discover this area of life. and will begin to strive for intimacy more than once and not because “it’s necessary,” but because he (she) himself will want sex!

If you can choose the most optimal mode for yourself, the intensity of sexual sensations in your couple will last for quite a long time. In addition, the likelihood of fast addiction, accumulation of fatigue from sexual monotony and “desalination” of relationships. But most importantly, this will give you the opportunity to switch to the “sexual initiative - take turns” scheme and will ensure the absence of conflict and especially the frequency of your intimate life.

Seventh. Never do “sexual favors”!

The most unpleasant category of lovers or spouses are those who agree to sex literally “through gritted teeth”, entangle their partner with many reservations, make various kinds annoying statements. For example: “I’m doing this only at your request and despite the fact that I had a difficult day today. So, know: I love you very much and please don’t forget about it for a minute...” So, keep in mind: those men and women who expect that this behavior will cause a feeling of sincere gratitude in their partner are very much mistaken. My polls show:

Sexual (and not only) favor is almost always

causes the receiver to relate to the giver

not a feeling of gratitude at all, but obvious irritation!

For most people, such a “sexual favor” immediately provokes poorly restrained rage, shoots out such negative reactions that immediately kill all sexual desire literally in the bud, and inevitably provoke quarrels. What kind of sex is there then! After all, I just want to say: “Well, to hell with you! I'd rather just sit quietly in front of the TV! Of course, you can’t have sex with him, but at least he’s not fashionable...”

Therefore, know: no “sexual favors” in your couple! Even if you agree to have sex, you’re really tired after work - under no circumstances show your irritation, don’t look past your partner into the distance, mentally living after this “unpleasant procedure” is over! Don’t even think of showing any semblance of disgust, arrogance or contempt for the supposedly “base” sexual preferences of your loved one or the untimeliness of his/her desires! If you love your partner, are confident in his mental abilities and adequacy, learn to respect his sexual needs and always meet them halfway! And only in this case, your loved one will not one day meet someone else halfway...

Remarque

In this short note I want to encourage you to do the following:

If your partner takes the initiative to play intimately

more often than you yourself, appreciate him (her) twice as much!

And all this because being the initiator of sex and not feeling sexually anxious and not being offended by your intimately more “slow” partner is actually quite difficult psychologically! Try this role yourself, and everything will immediately become clear and understandable to you. So stop talking about this topic: just love and appreciate your sexually proactive partner especially! And then he (s) will become even more proactive, there will be even more sex in your couple, the relationship will become even stronger, and the optimism in life and love and family will be overwhelming! And this is great!

Attention: This article was created based on chapters from the books by Andrei Zberovsky “Quarrels on the way to sex”, “Quarrels around sex”, “Sharp corners of young families”, “How to assess the strength of your marriage”, “Familyquakes: what can threaten your marriage” . I recommend that you read these works in full. This may be beneficial for you and your family.

Sincerely, family psychologist, Doctor of Science, Professor Andrey Zberovsky.