If old people interfere with rest. Quarrelsome old people: how to get along with elderly relatives

I know this question firsthand.
During my student years, I lived with my grandparents, and although we loved each other very much, we also quarreled quite often.

No one encroached on my freedom, I could come late, they only asked me to report that I was staying somewhere or not spending the night at home.
If I came at night, then no one was waiting for me with questions, I opened the door with my own key so as not to wake up the elderly and went to bed. We quarreled just on everyday grounds.
For example, I was constantly receiving comments:
-Don't slam the refrigerator! You'll break it!
-Don’t switch the TV so brutally! You'll ruin it!
- Why are you talking so much on the phone, it will burn out!

Now I understand that they just wanted to say something, they wanted to be listened to and heard.
My old people have been dead for a long time, and those devices worked for a long time until I threw them out and bought new ones...
My old people, compared to others, were advanced at that time, they did not philistine because of all sorts of junk.
After all, the worst thing is that old people do not part with anything, people who have almost everything in the past do not throw anything away and expect that it will be useful in the future. What a paradox?!
Now I'm getting older and it's starting to feel like time is shrinking.
Recently I was sorting out my closet, the dress was completely new, it seemed like I had bought it recently, but I remembered and counted 10 years have passed! I got rid of it not because it became too small or unfashionable for me, I just remembered that for the last three years I simply hadn’t worn it, but it wasn’t noticed!
It begins to seem like it was just yesterday...
Old people gradually occupy all their living space with things, winning it back centimeter by centimeter... They need everything, they don’t throw anything away. In general, a garbage tax is considered an unfair punishment.
-What garbage?! I don't throw anything away!
They usually carefully hang the new clothes they bought in the closet and wear out the old ones, leaving the new ones for later, when it comes is unknown?

Solzhenitsyn wrote that even in Stalin’s camps, old people acquired numerous things.

They love things much more than people, especially their loved ones. This must be remembered!

Loved ones are very often considered people who encroach on their things!

Therefore, they prefer to hide their pension from loved ones. Money is an end in itself for old people! They save and sometimes accumulate gigantic sums for a rainy day.

One of my friends, while cleaning her mother’s room, shocked by the abundance of some balls of wool, from which no one knits anything, took them and threw them away, it turned out that the granny hid her pension in the balls, and the children did not take a penny from her, and she knew for sure that what kind of ball, for what period the pension was wrapped up.

The balls flew to the trash heap, followed by grandma's roof!

A silent nightmare happened and they lived in this hell for several more years! But everyone has probably heard about the grandmother in Israel who sewed Million into a mattress?! Therefore, it is better not to touch anything from them! And after death, check everything carefully!
Old people are often very touchy and demand attention, which young people, overwhelmed by life, forget to give them. But if in the West the elderly live separately, then in Russia three generations often live in one house or apartment.

The dramas playing out in these families are worthy of the pen of real writers.
Getting along with old people is difficult, sometimes unbearable, and all their lamentations that they are about to be taken to the grave often turn into impossible desires.
What to do if there are old people, but there is no opportunity to leave?!
Whether you want it or not, give them your own corner, with little things dear to their hearts and their personal trash. It doesn't matter that it may just be a closet or nightstand, but let it be their own closet.
In addition, in order to somehow neutralize the elderly from influencing your personal life, come up with a hobby for them, if they only like TV series, give them a separate TV, it’s not possible, then there is a great activity that is again in fashion: cross stitching.
Putting together puzzles is a classic, but another good activity is if there are children in the family, let them play board games, such as cards. Very developing!
But if you want to really reassure the elderly, teach them how to use the Internet. Then real peace will come to your family!

Since childhood, we have associated old age with wisdom, gentleness, kindness and grandma's pancakes. Adults build relationships differently. When communicating with old people, we may encounter anger, endless grumbling and selfishness.

Sometimes an older person behaves in such a way that it seems that everyone is doing the wrong thing. Only he knows how to do it. This results in a lot of critical comments towards young relatives.

One of the biggest problems is bitterness. Old age in itself is quite a serious test. You have to come face to face with the understanding that life is finite. An overestimation of life's results may begin to take its toll, old wounds - unfulfillment, accumulated anger. All this reminds us of itself more and more often and spills out on loved ones.

Another misfortune is tediousness. His roots may also go back to the past and be a consequence of the fact that those around him previously did not listen to his opinion. The belief is formed that in order to be heard, you need to speak more and more often, repeating the same thought over and over again.

A characteristic quality of quarrelsome old people is morbid touchiness. Any remark or simply insufficient attention turns into pursed lips and an expression of dissatisfaction.

“Older age has its own characteristics,— says Rodion Chepalov, a psychologist at the St. Petersburg Sundeev Center. — Depending on the type and dynamics of the personality, they can be expressed in different symptoms. This is what gerontopsychology deals with. The most unpleasant thing is when these signs include stubbornness, impatience with other people’s opinions, and inflated self-esteem. Among the difficulties are the inability to come to an agreement, to achieve an equal partnership, to receive short, practical advice and assistance within reasonable limits.”

The final stage

In general, in old age, character becomes more complex with the appearance of restrictions in life, and from the feeling of existing and potential dependence, and from the fear of one’s own helplessness. And anger is sometimes also a way to attract attention to oneself.

The feeling of uselessness and loneliness also plays a role. The latter is felt more acutely if a person has lost a spouse and lives at some distance from his children.

When a person is over 80, one has to take into account features associated with possible brain pathologies and atrophy of individual cells. Alas, many diseases of old age can change or worsen character.

My dear old people

If your old people live separately, it is easier psychologically, but more difficult physically: you need to visit, help, bring bags of groceries. The degree of relationship also plays an important role. It’s one thing to have your own grandmother who raised you, and another thing to have a harmful elderly mother-in-law. In the second case, on both sides. But both of them often demonstrate the same behavioral problems.

1. Aggressor. Everything you do is bad and wrong. This is said in a harsh manner, even insulting. Sometimes such relatives have a tendency to complain about their children to others.

2. Always offended or grumpy. No, such relatives will not show aggression and insult you, but with their sighs and sad reproaches they will create a lasting feeling of guilt in you.

3. "Bee". A grandmother of this type will pick up her grandchildren from school, prepare dinner, and bake a pie in the evening. She does not think about herself, but on the other hand, she demands that there be a considerable moral return on your part for her work.

4. Selfish. Yes, such elderly relatives will not interfere in your life and pester you with advice. All this does not interest them very much. But they will demand full self-care. They can manipulate your health information to make you rush to their place on the other side of town.

5. Distrustful. They do not trust anyone, including family and friends. The latter are suspected of only waiting for their untimely death and trying to take possession of the property.

6. God's dandelion. A quiet and harmless type, hovering slightly in other spheres, but often in need of increased care.

Grandma has arrived!

We can say that there is a whole program for communicating with elderly relatives.

First of all, you need to be patient, patient and more patient. “You can imagine an elderly person as a child and try to remember what good he did to you in life,- says Rodion Chepalov. — Try to see positive traits and think that you too will someday become like that. Treat your elderly relative the way you would like to be treated in your old age.”

In direct communication, it is also necessary to master certain skills in the art of conversation. It is worth talking more with an elderly relative, finding common topics and common ground.

It is easier to agree with other relatives than to enter into a long and unconstructive argument. It is not always worth paying attention to the form in which this or that advice is expressed. If it is efficient, then why not use it. We agree that sometimes we are more irritated by the way in which everything is said, which makes it difficult to understand what they want from us. Moreover, you can ask for advice yourself more often. But for the elderly themselves, the wording is more important than the essence of what is said.

It is better to ignore unmotivated aggression. The glass bell method, that is, psychological distancing, works well with aggressors, grumblers and distrustful old people.

In general, one should treat one’s own comments with caution. Is it annoying that a relative doesn’t follow hygiene rules for a long time? You shouldn’t wrinkle your nose demonstratively; it’s better to motivate the old lady to “create a new look.”

“Any comments must be expressed in a tactful manner,— says Rodion Chepalov. — Every person needs respect. Try to avoid conflict generators: generalizations (“you always...”), references to the past (“as long as I remember you, you’re terrible...”). When communicating with elderly relatives, you need to use all the anti-conflict techniques that are used with other people. And the basic principles of communication should be kindness, respect, mercy, compassion, tolerance, empathy.”

Fill the void

Often older people simply do not know where to find a use for themselves. Therefore, we must provide them with the opportunity to feel needed. Sometimes you think that by freeing your grandmother from the hassle of dealing with her grandchildren, you are doing a good deed, but this is not always the case. Bees especially need to be busy.

The “rituality” of life is very important - that is, regular outings in public. Calls at certain times and visits from you are also important. This helps an elderly relative keep himself in good shape and feel a certain sense of well-being in his existence. But as for the “egoists” type, relations with them must be determined according to the principle of a “contract”, that is, by defining your obligations to the smallest detail, based on capabilities.

Don't expect pleasure from communication

If you don't expect pleasure from interacting with older relatives, you are more likely to enjoy it. You can get pleasure from yourself. For example: If I have a difficult conversation with a parent, I must stop myself from getting angry. One second it will be hard for me, and the rest of the time I will enjoy the fact that I restrained myself. This is a children's game called “weakly”: Weakly to hold on? Is it hard not to get angry?

I have been working with older people for the past 15 years. When they start to eat me, I try to restrain myself, and then I realize that there is no one to be offended by: these are not just our parents, these are you and me in 20, 30, 40 years.

Steer

We are used to our parents controlling us. They are strong people, and they will give advice and help. But suddenly the moment comes when you need to take the steering wheel: now you are strong and must control the situation.

They want us to be successful. If I come to my parents and start complaining, they can no longer help me. Therefore, I separated two truths: there is a good truth and there is a truth that it is better for them never to know. Our well-being is the key to their success, we must remember this all the time.

Don't try to change them

When we were little, adults fed our brains with stories about the boy next door who studied better and obeyed his parents. When they become elderly, we begin to answer them in the same way: “Look, your neighbor goes for walks every day, and you sit at home all day.” We try to fix them, although we need to accept them as they are.

There is no need to try to cram something into them, they are no longer subject to modernization. We can only accept them. If a person smoked before the age of 80, most likely he will not quit. As one of my clients jokes: “I do breathing exercises until the cigarettes run out.”

Know their “technical characteristics”

We need to know absolutely exactly who we are dealing with. We must understand what a person is who cannot see, cannot hear, and cannot stand up. To understand what a blind person is, try to put yourself in his place: at least draw in the dark.

Our older relatives see their opportunities diminishing every day. A super successful 80-something year old man comes to my classes - a former businessman, creator of a chain of stores in Israel. He comes up to me in tears and asks: “Will you help me?” He suffers due to the constant decrease in his strength.

They struggle with stress. One of my students wears a device on his back, like a metal cot, with which he walks all day and which supports his spine. At night he removes this structure, but he can no longer turn around.

Another client of mine once asked if he could sit not to the right, but to the left of his neighbor. It turned out that he didn’t like the way his neighbor sang. When I asked what difference it made which side I sat on, he replied: “I can’t hear in my right ear anymore.” We need to try to understand and take these things into account.

Imagine for a moment that your parents are gradually switching their mode from autopilot to manual control. They start taking pills by the hour. The average life expectancy is now 80 years. 5 of them the person is sick and needs help for a couple of years. You just need to accept it and understand: okay, this is a normal story, payment for a long life.

Don't get into conflict

I studied this myself for a long time. There is an armor-piercing shell that pierces any skin: “I was your age, but you are not yet mine.” And indeed it is.

Aggression in older people comes from dissatisfaction with oneself. When you accept the cause of aggression, when you smile at an elderly relative and do not respond to his attacks, aggression subsides. If he answered, he disappeared.

Of course, you need to be able to change the topic of conversation, change the vector. Try, for example, in a calm situation in a conversation with your parents, change the subject. This exercise will help you in a conflict situation.

Compassionate, but don't feel sorry

Compassion is a very important thing. Moreover, it is necessary to distinguish between compassion and pity - this is heaven and earth. Pity disarms us: pitying a person, we, as a rule, cannot help him in any way. And compassion can be different, including cynical or active.

Don't argue

There are many moments when you really want to answer. One of my students made me buy a heavy board, and we spent two years cutting a sculpture out of it. She then complained about me to everyone: look what hard work he gave me. I heard all this and did not answer. I can’t remind her: “You asked me for this,” she simply doesn’t remember it. When you understand who you are dealing with, everything becomes much easier. You receive negative energy, process it within yourself and give out positive energy.

Manage impressions

When we are young, we have a lot of impressions, but with age they become less and less. Anything that distracts seniors from their sad lifestyle is very important. They sit on benches in front of houses and discuss their neighbors precisely because they lack impressions.

When we touch on the topic of how to protect old people from scammers, all the advice is related to strengthening the defense: install an iron door, a camera, prohibit them from approaching the door. In fact, the answer is very simple: they need to be occupied.

You need to look closely at the person, slip him something. If you want the old man to leave early, just sit him on a chair and start blowing away the dust - he won’t sit there long. My aunt, for example, loved to retype Pushkin’s poems on an old computer. Or another friend of mine - an 80-year-old grandmother - no longer hears anything, but swims five strokes in the pool. It’s good to have communication with your grandchildren - the main thing is that it doesn’t harm your grandchildren.

Students come to me and say: I didn’t even notice how quickly time passed. 40 people come every day. When interaction begins between them, this is also an exchange of impressions. They discuss me too - this is normal. One of my wards told me: “You are like two glasses of vodka to me.”

The impressions are different, not always good. Once my clients dragged chairs onto the balcony and watched as a man was fished out of the pool and taken away in an ambulance - this was also an impression. We can try to make sure that the impressions are only good, but we are not omnipotent.

Don't blame yourself

Guilt haunts everyone. No matter what happens, there remains a feeling that I didn’t do enough, didn’t give enough, behaved incorrectly with my parents. Don't blame yourself. It's time's fault. This is a closed cycle that does not depend on us.

We must understand that a person who is approaching the border of life and death is first of all turned inward and tries to put his past in order. I have talked to many older people who remember what happened 40-50 years ago and try to sort it all out. Memory is structured like a bottle of sand. When you turn it over, the events of yesterday fly away immediately, and mom and dad remain at the bottom. People withdraw into themselves, and we are not to blame for this, we must understand this, come to terms with it and try to give them as much as possible.

In any case, you need to take care of yourself. We must learn to rest. If you constantly live the life of an elderly person, in the end you will remain guilty: you will be blamed for the fact that everything did not work out for you. Why did not you marry? Why didn't she give birth to children?

Forgive

You need to learn to leave grievances in yesterday. It's like a computer - you reboot it and start working again. If today you have not forgiven your grandfather, tomorrow - it may happen - he will no longer be there.

I improved my relationship with my mother after leaving some topics open. When I was 20, I thought: now I’ll explain a little and she’ll understand. She didn't understand. Therefore, I learned not to close topics, but simply step through them.

But to forgive, you must have strength. There are many recovery techniques: you can meditate. Personally, I came up with the “5 minutes” technique for myself: I just leave the room, sit for five minutes and don’t think about anything. Then I return with new strength, so that I can again have the opportunity to sympathize.

One of my main commandments is to be able to make them laugh. A cheerful old man is not dangerous.

Sasha Galitsky's next one will take place at the end of February.

Doctors' opinion

The human brain ages just like the rest of the body. Over time, some parts of the brain atrophy, and this leads to personality changes. In some cases, diseases slowly but steadily develop, leading to a complete breakdown of mental activity - total dementia. Such diseases are usually genetically determined; external influences can only speed up or slow down the process.

Pick's disease can begin at the age of fifty or even earlier with personality changes - a person becomes lethargic, apathetic, and loses the ability to generalize and comprehend. Over time, patients become uncritical of themselves, and moral principles are lost.

Alzheimer's disease develops somewhat differently : at first, patients complain of progressive memory deterioration, but self-criticism persists for a long time. Later, memory is even more impaired; patients cease to navigate in space, recognize loved ones, and then even themselves in the mirror. Over time, the personality is completely destroyed.

The most common disease of late age is senile dementia. This disease develops gradually, at first unnoticed by others. The patient’s character traits are exaggerated and become more pronounced: healthy criticality turns into suspicion, frugality into stinginess, perseverance into stubbornness. The pace of mental activity decreases, and thinking disorders are noted. A tendency to moralizing, selfishness, touchiness, and conservatism appears. At this stage, relatives notice that the old man’s character has deteriorated, but do not see this as a manifestation of the disease. The disease progresses: as the personality becomes coarser, the character changes even more, problems with memory begin, the patient ceases to orient himself in time and space, the personality disintegrates.

Normal changes

It is quite difficult to draw a line between natural changes in a person’s personality in old age and manifestations of the disease: this is why senile dementia is noticed, as a rule, only in the later stages. Of course, only a doctor can make a diagnosis, but the task of loved ones is to carefully monitor changes in the old man’s behavior and, if necessary, show him to a psychiatrist.

With age, even mentally normal people often become more selfish: the fear of approaching death forces them to take everything they can from life. Alas! Opportunities are not what they used to be, and this fact can be difficult for older people to accept. Hence the whims and demands. Besides, old people really lack attention. Natural character changes in old age include:

• Conservatism;
• Rejection of new things;
• Selfishness;
• Egocentrism;
• Moodiness;
• Tendency to moralize;
• Intractability;
• Narrowing interests.

All these manifestations are unpleasant, but natural. But if memory impairment, untidiness, loss of orientation, or inadequacy appear, you need to consult a psychiatrist. Unfortunately, there is no cure for senile dementia, but the progression of the disease can be slowed down and the manifestations can be somewhat weakened. It is better to start treatment in the early stages of the disease.

How to behave to loved ones

Living with an old man is not an easy experience. Even those people who were previously distinguished by excellent character can become unbearable in old age. What can we say about those who were already selfish? Parents demand attention and constant care from their grown children; the fact that the children themselves have already become parents is not taken into account. Sons and daughters run wild, trying to please the elderly, but are faced only with whims, reproaches, and discontent.

Many people resent the behavior of their elderly parents and their growing selfishness. But one cannot demand too much from old people: character changes are physiologically determined, and older people simply cannot change themselves through an effort of will. Relatives cannot change the situation either: all they can do is be patient.

There is no point in wasting energy on indignation at the injustice of life and trying to correct the behavior of an aging person. It’s better to be silent and smile more and try to bring joy to the old man - after all, there are very few joys left in his life. At the same time, of course, you should not become a slave to an old man and subordinate your entire life to him: this sacrifice will still not be appreciated.