I became more attached to the teacher than to my mother. I became attached to one teacher

Hello. It all started about 3 months ago, then I moved to a new school and the thing is that I became attached to one teacher. I have very strong feelings for her, I fell in love with her more than my mother.
I have my own mother, but I don’t have a warm relationship with her. From 2 to 15 years old, I grew up with my father; at that time we were three children in the family, me and 2 older sisters, who lived with my mother in another city. At that time, I somehow didn’t care about it, I took it for granted, my dad and grandmother gave me enough love and attention. When I was 10-11 years old, my mother found herself a new husband and he gave birth to a brother and sister (now they are 3 and 4 years old), now there are five children in our family (I am now 15, my older sisters are 18 and 20). Due to current circumstances, I had to move to live with them, my mother, stepfather, and sisters, several months ago. After living with them for 3 months, I realized that we would not have a warm relationship with my mother. I don’t have warm feelings for her, it’s unpleasant for me when she touches/hugs me, I have no desire to communicate with her, have a heart-to-heart talk, etc. There are now some resentments in my soul towards her, resentment for the fact that she once gave birth to me and soon abandoned me; then dad was simply forced to take us away from her because my mother drank heavily.
And now it’s unpleasant for her when I remind her of this, she tries to justify herself and blame it on her father. Another resentment is that she found herself another man and gave birth to two children from him. Of course, I understand that she has the right to family happiness (although I would not say that she is happy now), but I cannot and do not want to accept the current situation. I just wanted a normal family, not all this. I’m also, to put it mildly, not thrilled about the appearance of my stepfather and half-brother and sister.
There are also no warm relationships with older sisters. We don’t fight, the relationship is normal, but nothing more.
As for my mother, I only now realized how much I always lacked her love, care, and attention. But at the same time, I have moved away from her and do not want to get closer, to accept the attention that she sometimes gives me.
Now my mother has started drinking again sometimes, a little to be honest. In this way she seems to be trying to cope with her problems. I'm afraid that this may get worse and she will start going on binges again.

I'll go back to that teacher. In general, this is the first time I have encountered this - love for a teacher... And unfortunately, it only brings me pain and suffering. This woman is 30 years old, she has a husband and a 7-year-old daughter. She (the teacher) is very pretty, she has big beautiful eyes that I literally drown in. I like her voice, habits, appearance. In terms of studies, she is quite strict and demanding, but outside of class she is completely different, i.e. a versatile person. In the subconscious, I perceive her as a person who could give me love, affection, care, education, security. Although she treats me like all other students, for some reason I found a mother in her and would really like her to be one. But, unfortunately, the reality is different and I cannot come to terms with it, accept all this. I think about this teacher every day, I very often want to hug her, just hug her and stand like that for at least a minute. I want to give her something, do something nice to make her smile, her smile is beautiful.
But what causes the most pain is that I really want to tell her about my feelings, I want to be near her all the time, but I know that nothing will work out. I am a quiet person, very shy, reserved, I have big problems with communication, so I simply don’t have the courage to tell everything, and I don’t think she needs it.
The lessons of this teacher are something sacred in this world, and if, God forbid, they are cancelled, I literally have tears welling up and I run to the toilet, and then hysterics begin.
I often want to hug my teacher with tears, cuddle up to her and tell her everything. But I can not.
Now I’m in 9th grade, exams are in 3 months, and then we may never meet again. If I am accepted into the 10th grade, then in any case there will be summer ahead, 3 months of separation, and I will hang myself on the neighbor’s plum tree out of grief..
I don’t know what to do, I have no desire to improve relations with my mother, in a sense, I closed myself off from her, cut myself off. But I want to make friends with that teacher, but I can’t, it’s very difficult for me to communicate with people, I’m very downtrodden and taciturn. Besides, maybe she doesn’t need it herself. But even without her I suffer... I fall asleep and wake up with thoughts about her, I dream about her at night, my feelings only intensify and I cry more and more often.

Psychologist Diana

Hello, Anya!

Your story is sad, you have been without a mother since you were two years old, very important years of life, when a lot of things are formed in a child, are colored by a feeling of loss, although you don’t remember it.
Your resentment towards your mother is very understandable, but the fact that you do not want to get close to her is such a “changeover”: you reject her, just as she once “rejected” you...
It’s hard to live in such an environment, of course, you withdraw, become taciturn and tense.
Those warm feelings for the teacher are a breath of revived emotions, like the kind of mother you want to hug and be closer to...
This is very understandable; teachers can often become “ideal” people at heart, to whom one is very drawn.

Anya, I carefully re-read your letter several times...
You understand so much about yourself, analyze the situation so correctly, and know how to express your feelings so adequately.
This is very important - when feelings are formulated, they become more “digestible”, or perhaps it is clearer what their presence indicates...
The fact that they intensify for you when the teacher is not around is also very understandable.
I just thought, when you began to live without your mother at the age of two, how difficult it was for such a small child to wake up and suddenly discover that she was gone... This is a great grief.
You really need a loved one, separation from the teacher, about whom you are thinking “in advance” (that it will be summer and you will not be able to see her), also indicates that now, even when summer has not yet arrived, it is difficult for you to survive it inaccessibility. The situation is also understandable, both the unavailability of your mother at the time, and the unavailability of the teacher...
Anya, it’s very good that by writing here, you were able to express your feelings, even if not to the teacher herself, but still to a living person, and they are very clear to me.

I also want to respond to your words that you want to tell the teacher about your feelings, but you are afraid that she does not need it...
This is how I understood it: you are afraid that she will reject you (that she doesn’t need you, she, like your mother, has someone else (husband, children).
Certainly. If you tell her everything that you are filled with in full, and also with the fear that she will push you away, then it is clear that you are worried.
And you have to somehow live with it yourself.
You both want intimacy and are afraid of it; you have already been betrayed once (or maybe more than once).
Anya, I think that your desire to please the teacher, to see her smile at you, is very important for you..
And it’s clear that you want to hug her.
Of course, if you attack her and suddenly start telling her something, this may confuse her.
Some things happen gradually, and doing something small nice for another person (anyone) is some way forward.

Anya, I really want everything to be fine with you, of course, it won’t work to be close to the teacher all the time, it hurts you, you really need a loved one...
Over time, the number of people around you will increase, and even your “taciturnity” may change.
You know how to deal with your experiences, understanding and making sense of your life, this is a huge resource.

All the best to you, Anya.
Sorry if the answer is confusing...

Question to a psychologist

My name is Sasha. I'm 12 and I'm in 7th grade. Last year I came to Chernigov and went to a new school. The first impression of all the teachers was mostly positive, I liked the one for the sake of the relationship with whom I am now writing this question right away, but just like everyone else. Over the course of the entire school year, I managed to become attached to her, but over the summer I missed her. This school year I was incredibly glad to see her, and everything seemed to be fine, our relationship with her was much better and freer than her relationship with anyone else in the class. We communicated on VKontakte, and absolutely freely. But then I began to notice that at school she didn’t notice me at all, she never asked me questions on VKontakte first, and in general she answered with some tension. At first I just tried not to notice it, but recently, after her lesson, I felt that she really didn’t need me! It got really hard for me! I even cried because of this. Then I made up my mind and told her that I really wanted to be friends with her, to be closer. She replied that she was pleased that I considered her a friend, but nothing had changed in our relationship, I had already tried to forget her, but nothing worked, I still really needed her. What should I do!? What do i do!?

Alexandra, she doesn’t “don’t need you”, that’s not the point. She just realized that she had crossed the line of a professional relationship and is now clumsily trying to alienate you, but so that you don’t feel anything. She is apparently young, and therefore does not know how to get out of such situations correctly. Firstly, she became close to the student, which should not have been done, because you have a professional relationship, and it is wrong to single out one of the students. Secondly, if she had already become close, she should have competently built your relationship, making it clear where friendship ends and the student-teacher relationship begins. Thirdly, instead of explaining this whole situation to you, she pretended that everything seemed to be the same, but at the same time she began to move away. Thus, creating the feeling that you are suddenly no longer needed and at the same time you don’t understand why. But she simply failed to build the relationship correctly and childishly decided to get out of the situation - “I’m not me, and in general I have nothing to do with it.” Calm down, turn to the school psychologist, you are just scared and lonely, that’s why you were so drawn to the teacher. Talk to someone about it. Maybe she should talk to her later, but in any case, there is no need to blame yourself. In a relationship between an adult and a child, responsibility always lies with the adult.

Golysheva Evgenia Andreevna, psychologist Moscow

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Ajahn Sumedho

ATTACHMENT TO TEACHERS

Conversation in the monastery

Cittaviveka in April 1983

I was asked to talk about the human problem of preference and choice. People have a lot of problems because they prefer one monk, one teacher, or one tradition over another. They become accustomed to, or attached to, a particular teacher and believe that for this reason they cannot receive instruction from any other teacher. This is an understandable human problem, for the preference we give to someone allows us to be open to what he or she has to say; and when someone else comes along, we don't want to open up and learn anything from him. Perhaps we don't like other teachers; or we may feel doubt or uncertainty about them, and therefore we tend to dislike such teachers and are unwilling to listen to them. Or maybe we have heard some rumors, opinions and views that, they say, this teacher - such, and that one - any.

In fact, much of the structure of Buddhism's rules is aimed at paying respect to the Buddha, the Dhamma and the Sangha rather than to any particular person or guru, thereby breaking away from the bondage of attachment to a charismatic leader into which people so easily fall. The Sangha, being represented by the Bhikkhu-Sangha, is worthy of honor and charity if it lives according to the Rule (Vinaya); and it is better to use this criterion than to decide whether we like monks and whether their personal qualities correspond to ours.

Sometimes we can learn a lot from a situation where we have to listen and obey someone we may not particularly like. It's human nature to try to structure our lives so that we will always be close to or follow someone with whom we feel compatible. For example, at Wat Nong Pa Pong, it was easy to follow a person like Ajahn Chah because you felt such respect and admiration for such a teacher that there was no problem listening to what he said and obeying his every word. Of course, sometimes people felt internal resistance or resentment, but thanks to the power of a personality like Ajahn Chah, you were always able to put aside your pride and vanity.

But sometimes we had to encounter senior bhikkhus who told us not particularly liked or whom we did not even really respect; and we could see in them many offensive shortcomings and character traits. However, when practicing according to the Vinaya, we had to do what was right, what was in accordance with the discipline, and not run away from the monastery because of small things, or get offended, or harbor unpleasant thoughts in our minds against this or that person. I think that sometimes Ajahn Chah deliberately exposed us to difficult people to give us the opportunity to mature a little, to cut ourselves a little and learn to do the right thing, instead of just following this or that emotion that arose.

We all have our own characters. There is nothing we can do about it: our character traits are what they are, and whether we find them charming or boring is not a matter of Dhamma, but a matter of personal preference and compatibility. By practicing the Dhamma we no longer seek attachments to friendship or sympathy; we no longer strive to collide only with what we like and what we value, but, on the contrary, to be able to maintain balance under any circumstances. So our practice of Vinaya discipline is to always do right actions of body and speech instead of using body and speech for harmful, petty, cruel or selfish actions. The Vinaya gives us the opportunity to practice in any situation or circumstance.

I have noticed that in this country people are very attached to different teachers. They say: “My teacher is so-and-so. He is my teacher, and I cannot go to any other, because I am faithful and devoted to my teacher.” This is a typically English understanding of devotion and loyalty, which sometimes goes too far. A person becomes attached to a certain ideal, to a certain personality, and not to the truth.

We voluntarily take refuge in the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha, and not in the person of any teacher. You don't take refuge in Ajahn Chah or any of the bhikkhus here... unless you are a pretty fool. You could say, "Ajahn Sumedho is my teacher; Ajahn Thiradhammo is not my teacher. I will receive instructions only from the Venerable Suchitto and from no one else," and so on. This way we can create a lot of problems, right? "I practice Theravada Buddhism; so I can't learn anything from these Tibetan Buddhists or these Chan Buddhists." By doing this, we can easily turn into cultists, because if something is different from what we are used to, we suspect that it is not as good or pure as what we are devoted to. But what we strive for in meditation is truth, complete understanding and enlightenment, leading us away from the jungle of selfishness, vanity, pride and human passions. So it is not very wise to become so attached to one teacher or another that you refuse to receive instruction from any other.

But some teachers encourage this attitude. They say: "Since you accept me as your teacher, do not go to any other teacher! Do not receive instructions from any other traditions! If you consider me to be your teacher, you cannot go to others." There are many teachers who tie you to themselves in this way, and sometimes with very good intentions, because sometimes people go to mentors like they go shopping. They wander from one teacher to another, then to a third... and never learn anything. But I think the problem is not so much in "wandering" between masters, but in clinging to a teacher or tradition to the point where you have to exclude everyone else from your life. Thus arise sects, a sectarian disposition of the mind, whereby men are unable to recognize wisdom or learn anything unless the teaching is expressed in the same terms or institutions to which they are accustomed. This makes us very limited, narrow and intimidated. People become afraid to listen to another teacher because it may create doubt in their minds or they may feel like they are not being completely faithful followers of their tradition. The Buddhist Path is about developing wisdom, and loyalty and devotion help in this. But if they become an end in themselves, then these are obstacles on the way.

"Wisdom" here means the use of wisdom in our meditation practice. How do we do this? How do we use wisdom? Through recognizing our own personal varieties of pride, vanity and attachments to our views and opinions, to the material world, to tradition and to the teacher, to our friends. This does not mean that we need to think that we should not to experience attachments, or that we must get rid of all this. This is also not very wise, because wisdom is the ability to observe attachment, understand it and let it go, instead of being attached to ideas that we should not be attached to anything.

Sometimes you hear the monks, nuns or lay people here say: “Don’t get attached to anything.” And so we become attached to the view of non-attachment! "I am not going to become attached to Ajahn Sumedho; I can receive instructions from anyone. I am leaving here for the very purpose of proving my non-attachment to the venerable Sumedho." In this case, you become attached to the idea that you should not be attached to me, or that you should leave to prove your non-attachment - and this is not what is needed at all! That's not very wise, is it? You just become attached to something else. You can go to Brockwood Park and hear Krishnamurti lecture there and think, “I’m not going to get attached to these religious conventions, all these prostrations, Buddha icons, monks and all that.” Krishnamurti says it’s all nonsense – “Don’t have these have nothing in common, these are all useless things." And so you become attached to the view that there is no use in religious conventions and that they are of no use to you. But this is also an attachment, isn’t it? - attachment to views and opinions - and whether you are attached to what Krishnamurti says or what I say, it is still attachment.

So we recognize attachment, and what recognizes it is wisdom. This does not mean that we should be attached to any other opinion; we need to recognize attachment and understand that in this case it frees us from the deception of attachments of our own making.

Recognize that attachment It has certain value. When we learn to walk, at first we just crawl, just move our arms and legs randomly. A mother does not say to her little child: “Stop these ridiculous movements! Go!”, or: “You will always depend on me, suck on my breast, cling to me all the time - you will cling to your mother all your life!” Child needs in attachment to mother. But if a mother wants her child to always be attached to her, this is not very wise on her part. And when we can allow people to be attached to us in order to give them strength and so that, having received strength, they can leave us - this is compassion.

Religious conventions and institutions are things that we can use according to time and place, which we can reflect on and from which we can learn, instead of creating the opinion that we should not be attached to anything, but be completely independent and self-sufficient. In general, a Buddhist monk is in a very dependent state. We depend on the things that the laity give us: food, clothing, a roof over our heads, and medicine. We have no money, no opportunity to cook food, cultivate a garden, or somehow provide for ourselves. We have to depend on the kindness of others to meet the basic needs of life. People say: “Why don’t you grow your own vegetables and fruits, why don’t you become self-sufficient so as not to depend on all these people? You can be independent.” This is highly valued in our society - to be self-sufficient, independent, not indebted to anyone, not dependent on anything. However, there are all these rules and regulations established by Buddha Gotama - I did not come up with them. If I had invented Vinaya, I might have established different rules: how great it is to be self-sufficient, with your own zucchini patch, with your own savings, with your own cell - “I don’t need you, I’m independent and free, I’m self-sufficient.” .

When I became a monk, I actually didn’t know what I was getting myself into; Later I noticed that I had become completely and completely dependent on other people. My family espoused the white, Anglo-Saxon, self-sufficient, independent middle class philosophy of “don’t depend on anyone!” In America, this is called the “WASP syndrome” - “White”, “Anglo-Saxon”, “Protestant”. You're not like the Southern Europeans who depend on their mommies and all that. You are completely independent from your father and mother; you are a Protestant - no Popes, nothing like that; there is no servility in you. It is blacks who have to curry favor with someone, but if you are white, Anglo-Saxon and Protestant, this means that you are at the top of the social ladder - you are the best!

And so I ended up in a Buddhist country and, at the age of thirty-two, took the vows of a samanera (novice). In Thailand, samaneras are usually little boys, so I had to sit with the Thai boys all the time. Imagine - I, six feet tall, thirty-two years old, sitting, eating and in everything being equal to little children - this embarrassed me very much. I had to depend on people to serve me food or anything else; I couldn't have any money. So I began to think: “Why all this? For what? What did Buddha mean by this? Why did he come up with everything like this? Why didn’t he follow the values ​​of whites, Anglo-Saxons, Protestants - like my parents?”

But later I began to appreciate the need for proper dependence and the benefits that come from accepting dependence on each other. Of course, learning to be dependent on others requires a degree of humility. With pride and vanity, a person thinks: “I don’t want to be in debt to anyone.” And here we humbly acknowledge our dependence on each other: dependence on anagarikas, on lay people or on junior monks. Although I am the senior bhikkhu here, I am still very dependent on all of you. In our life, this should always be taken into account, and not discarded or depressed by it, because we recognize that we always depend on each other, we always help each other. This dependence is based on monastic institutions and on the material world around us, as well as on a compassionate and joyful attitude towards each other. Even if we don't experience any joy or love in our relationships, we can at least be kind, forgiving, and not angry at each other. We can trust each other.

Do not expect any social status, society, organization or group to be perfect or become an end in itself. These are just conventional forms, and like everything else, they cannot satisfy us - if we expect complete satisfaction from them. Any teacher or guru you become attached to will inevitably disappoint you in some way - even if they are gurus who look like saints, they still die... or leave the monkhood and marry 16 year old girls... They can do bad things anything: the history of religious idols can be truly frustrating! When I was a young bhikkhu in Thailand, I often wondered what I would do if Ajahn Chah suddenly said: “Buddhism is a farce! I don’t want anything to do with it! I’m leaving the monastery and marrying a rich woman!” What will I do if Ajahn Buddhadasa, one of the famous Thai learned monks, says: “The fact that I studied Buddhism all these years is a farce, it is a waste of time. I am converting to Christianity!”

What will I do if the Dalai Lama renounces his monastic vows and marries some American? What would I do if the Honorable Suchitto and Tiradhammo and everyone here suddenly said: “I'm leaving. I want to get out of here and have some fun!” If all the Anagarics suddenly said: “I’m sick of all this!” What if all the nuns run away with the anagarics? What will i do?

Does my monasticism depend on the support or devotion of all the people around me, or on the statements of Ajahn Chah or the Dalai Lama? Does my meditation practice depend on the support of others, on their encouragement, or on someone living up to my expectations? If so, then it can easily be destroyed, right?

When I was a young monk, I often thought that I should trust my own insight and not depend on anyone around me supporting my point of view. Over the years, I have changed in many ways and become disillusioned in many ways... but I continue to reflect rather than depend on everything around me going in the best way for me.

I trust what I do, trust based on my own understanding, not because I simply believe in it or because I need the support and approval of others. You have to ask yourself: is your becoming a Samana - a monk or a nun - dependent on my encouragement, on others, on hopes or expectations, on rewards and all that? Or are you defined by your own right to realize the truth?

If so, then live in accordance with the accepted institutions, striving to follow them in everything to see how far they can take you, and do not give up when this does not work out, when everything begins to disappoint you. Sometimes at Wat Pa Pong I felt so fed up with everything around me, I felt such dislike for the monks around me - not because they had done anything wrong, but simply because in my depression I could see everything is only in a gloomy light... Then it was necessary to observe this state, but not to believe it, for a person tempers patience through the unbearable... in order to discover that everything can be tolerated.

So we're not here to find his teachers, but to willingly learn from everything - from rats and mosquitoes, from inspired teachers, from depressed teachers, from teachers who disappoint us and from teachers who never disappoint us. For we do not try to find perfection in conventional institutions or in teachers.

Last year I went to Thailand and found Ajahn Chah very ill; he was not the energetic, humorous, loving man I knew before...he just sat there So... like a cul... and I thought, "Oh, I don't want Ajahn Chah to be like that. My teacher... Ajahn Chah is my teacher, and I don't want him to be like that. I want him to be like that. he was the same Ajahn Chah whom I once knew, next to whom you prayed to sit and listen to him, and then retell his stories to all the other monks." Sometimes you say: “Remember how Ajahn Chah said this, this amazingly wise thing?” And then someone from another tradition says: “Well, our teacher said something like that". So the competition begins - who is the wisest. And that's when is yours the teacher sits like that... like a sack... you say: “Ohhhh... didn’t I choose the wrong teacher...” But the desire to have a teacher, the best best wishes a teacher, a teacher who never disappoints you - that's suffering, isn't it?

The Buddhist teaching is to be able to learn from living masters - or from dead ones. After Ajahn Chah's death, we can still learn from him - go look at his body! You may say, "I don't want Ajahn Chah to be a corpse. I want him to be the energetic, humorous, loving teacher I met twenty years ago. I don't want him to be just a rotting corpse with worms crawling out of its eye sockets." How many of us would like to look at our loved ones when they are dead, while we want to remember them in their prime? Just like my mother now - she has a photo of me when I was 17 years old and out of school, in a suit and tie, carefully combed - you know, like in a photo studio - so that you look much better than in life. And this photograph of me hangs in my mother’s room. Mothers want to think that their sons are always elegant and smart, young... but what if I died and began to decompose, maggots crawled out of my eye sockets, and someone took a photo of me and sent this picture to my mother? It would be monstrous - wouldn't it? – hang it next to my photo of me at 17 years old! But it's the same as holding on to the image of Ajahn Chah as he was five years ago, and then seeing him as he is now.

As practitioners, we can use the experiences of our lives, reflect on them, learn from them, rather than demand that teachers, sons, daughters, mothers or anyone else always remain at their best. We make such inquiries when we never really look at them, never try to get to know anyone well, but simply hold on to an ideal, an image that we hold but never question or learn from.

Practice teaches us something... if we want to learn to live with it, with successes and failures, with the living and the dead, with good memories and with disappointments. And what are we learning - to the fact that all these are just conditions of our mind. These are phenomena that we create and to which we become attached - and whatever we become attached to will lead us to despair and to death. This is the end of everything that begins. And from here we learn. We learn from our sorrows and sorrows, from our disappointments - and we can let them go. We can allow life to function according to the laws of nature and witness it, freed from the illusion of self, for this illusion is connected by a cause-and-effect relationship with death. And thus all conditions lead us to the Unconditioned - even our troubles and sorrows lead us to emptiness, freedom and liberation, if we are humble and patient.

Sometimes life becomes easier when we don't have many choices. When you have too many wonderful gurus, you may feel a little empty from having to listen to such fantastic wisdom coming from so many charismatic sages. But even the greatest sages, the most beautiful people in the modern world are just conditions of our mind. The Dalai Lama, Ajahn Chah, Buddhadasa, Tan Chao Khun Panniananda, the Pope, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Margaret Thatcher, Mr. Reagan... these are just conditions of our own minds, aren't they? We have likes, dislikes and prejudices, but these are conditions of the mind - and all these conditions, be it hate, love or whatever, lead us to the Unconditioned if we are patient, persistent and willing to use wisdom. You may think it's easier to just believe in what I say - it’s easier than finding out something yourself - but faith in my words will not satisfy you. The wisdom that I use in my life saturates only me. She may inspire you to use wisdom, but to be satisfied you must eat yourself and not believe what I say.

This is precisely the Buddhist Path - the path of realizing the truth by each of us. It turns us inward, forcing us to look and reflect on our own lives, rather than falling into the trap of devotion and hope that leads us to our opposites.

So, think about what I said this evening. Don't take it for granted, don't dismiss it. If you have any biases, opinions or views, that's okay; just see them as they are, as conditions of your mind, and learn from them.

For a student, a thought expressed by a beloved teacher is perceived as truth. It is much easier for a teacher who has been able to establish emotional contact to interest the class, instill a love for their subject, and thereby increase academic performance and instill a thirst for knowledge in students.

But, if you look at this situation from the other side, close friendly relations between a student and a teacher can cause misunderstanding among the parents of other children, classmates and other teachers. As a rule, such a student is perceived as a “favorite” towards whom the teacher has a special relationship. So is it worth establishing emotional contact or is it necessary to maintain a clear chain of command?

Nowadays, pedagogy has at its disposal many methods for studying relationships between people. However, no report card, data on the student’s social role among peers and psychological tests will give a complete picture of the student and will not replace warm human communication. A teacher's intuitive sensitivity, understanding, kindness and openness are the most important factors in building relationships with students.

Activity

As practice shows, students who feel attached to their teacher are more active in lessons, perceive information better, learn new things with enthusiasm and, as a result, show high results. If, despite his experience and professional training, the teacher was unable to find an approach to children, then, most likely, academic performance in this subject will be low.

Achievements

For elementary school students, the teacher's personality is associated with their first attempts and achievements. The teacher helps the child learn to read, count and write. As a rule, such communication is deposited in the student’s subconscious for a long time, and if such a relationship has developed, then the memories of the first teacher will warm the soul until old age. High school students approach their studies differently, but they also need an understanding older mentor friend, who can be a teacher for them.

Problems

If a child begins to have problems with his studies, then everyone looks for their own excuses. For parents, this is an incompetent teacher who is too strict, for a teacher - a student who does not want to try at all and parents who raise the child incorrectly or do not help him... But no one pays attention to the interpersonal relationships between the teacher and the student, which are more degrees depend on the teacher.

Sometimes excellent teacher training is not enough to achieve success in teaching. First of all, a good teacher should love his profession and be enthusiastic about it, and he should be concerned not only with the indicators on the report card, but also with the learning process itself, the interest of students in the subject, help and encouragement.

The main goal of the teacher is to awaken in the child a thirst for knowledge. And this is only possible when emotional contact is established.

However, it is important to remember that the teacher must stick to his role, avoid familiarity with older students, and treat everyone equally. By making friends with one of the students, the teacher goes beyond the boundaries of acceptable behavior and risks causing hostility. The attitude towards students should be equally sensitive and attentive.

So, an emotional connection between a student and a teacher is not only acceptable, but also useful, since the learning process becomes more productive. Such relationships must be built on respect, trust and understanding. It should be remembered that friendship or a special attitude towards someone separately is unacceptable, it can be detrimental to the reputation of the teacher, and besides, the student may want to take advantage of such friendship for selfish purposes.