A favorite of children, his funny and kind books sparked a true love of reading in many.

A children's writer who is read mainly by adults. The author of humorous "textbooks" for children, the creator of several popular animated series - including the Monkey, the Parrot, the Baby Elephant and the Boa - and many other incredibly talented things!

Grigory Benzionovich Oster - Russian writer, screenwriter, playwright, Honored Artist of the Russian Federation (2007). The creator of the “Bad Advice” genre and the author of the first Russian hypertextual novel “A Tale with Details.”
Born on November 27, 1947 in Odessa. He spent his childhood and youth in Yalta. In 1966 he served in the Northern Fleet.
In 1970 he entered the drama department of the Literary Institute. M. Gorky in Moscow, which he graduated in 1982.

Oster is the only children's writer who "made a contribution to the development of post-totalitarian Russian literature." At the same time, the writer never belonged to the socialist realist, dissident, or avant-garde literary camp. According to critics, his aesthetics are characterized by “stylistic eclecticism, subtext, quotation, play of signifiers, irony, parody, stylization and deconstruction of one’s own discourse.”
In 2004, at the suggestion of the Putin Administration, he developed the website “The President of Russia for School-Age Citizens.”
Since September 7, 2008, together with the singer Glyukoza, she has been hosting the “Children’s Pranks” program on STS.
In an anthology of children's literature published in Canada, Grigory Oster with his “Bad Advice” was the most widely circulated - 12 million copies, while other authors received a maximum of 300 - 400 thousand.
Grigory Oster is the author of a significant number of works for children, such as: “A Fairy Tale with Details”, “Papamalogy”, “Education of Adults”, “Grandma Boa Constrictor”, “Bad Advice”, “Divination by hands, feet, ears, back and neck " He is also the author of the script for the cartoons “Monkeys”, “38 Parrots”, “Caught That Bitten”, “A Kitten Named Woof”, etc.




The Auster phenomenon in modern Russian culture and children's literature has no equal. With the exception of Ouspensky, his status is difficult to compare with that of any other contemporary children's writer. His “Bad Advice” sells fantastic copies, his cartoons became classics during the author’s lifetime, his authority on television and radio programs on parenting and children’s reading is unshakable.


-Grigory Oster: - I write for people because I made a great discovery - all adults descended from children. I write for those children who are gradually becoming adults. After all, a child is not a static quantity, it is a process, the transformation of a small person into a big one. And we get this situation: I write for a child who reads my books, the children become adults and then buy my books as parents for their children. So I write for both.

I believe that when you write for a small child who does not read books himself (his parents read to him), it is simply dishonest to write a book that would be interesting only to the child, and would be boring for the parent who reads this book. Therefore, I write in such a way that it would be interesting to both, and the book turns out like a layer cake - some parts of it are interesting for children, and others for adults. Sometimes children and adults laugh in completely different places, look at each other in surprise and do not understand what a creature of a different age is laughing at.

Harmful advice for obedient and good children and parents
Reading Auster’s “bad things,” you involuntarily remember yourself as a child and begin to smile. I have selected the most famous and sweetest tips for you - welcome to childhood!

“Bad advice for fathers of growing children”

Remember that you not only have the right to remain silent, but you can also tell your child to be silent for at least a minute.

Before bed, read to your child not fairy tales, but notations. This way he will fall asleep much faster.

If after your answer to his question the child begins to stutter, tell him that you were joking.

If your child demands a second cake, buy him a whole cake. And let this be a good lesson for him.

If you hid matches from your children and cannot find them yourself because you forgot where you put them, ask the children - they will show you.

If your child was born a girl, console her, tell her that this is not the worst thing, it could be worse. She could have been a boy.

If your child points out your shortcomings to you, try to get rid of them. For example, if you don't have enough ice cream in the refrigerator, go out and buy more.

Never allow your child to take an example from you without asking, teach your child to play chess poorly and checkmate him.

If you want your daughter to be raised with real values, buy them for her.

Do not accustom your children to something from which they will then have to wean for a long time and painfully.

Under no circumstances allow your child to do what you wanted more than anything else at his age.

Teach your child to be kind, responsive, and always happily give up his toys to others. And don’t forget to buy him new ones every day.

Never tell your child that he is God's punishment. He will believe and say: “Yes, I am God’s punishment sent down for your sins. Tremble, wicked one!” This is creepy!

When answering your children's questions, remember that anything you say can be used against you.

Remember that you not only have the right to remain silent, but you can tell your child to be silent for at least a minute.

If the child asks too many questions, send the child to the mother and let her answer his questions.

Don't demand the impossible from your child. First, try to finish this porridge yourself.

Remember, delaying the conversation about sexuality with your adult daughter will not prevent her from becoming pregnant.

Explain to your child that he must learn to behave modestly and decently so that no one will guess his true intentions.

Pamper your child as often as possible, and he will grow up to be a sensitive, gentle and self-indulgent person.

BOOK FOR Naughty CHILDREN AND THEIR PARENTS
OBEDIENT CHILDREN ARE NOT ALLOWED TO READ!

Scientists have recently discovered that there are naughty children in the world who...
they do everything the other way around. They are given useful advice: “Wash your face in the morning” - they
They take it and don’t wash it. They are told: “Say hello to each other” - they immediately
they start not saying hello. Scientists have come up with the idea that such children should be given
useful and harmful advice. They will do everything the other way around, and it will turn out just right
Right.
Let’s also try to get a little creative, remember the little pranks of our children, nephews, funny situations with friends and colleagues, just everyday observations and try to convey all this in poetic form. For example, a few poems by G. Oster

If a friend's birthday
I invited you to my place,
You leave the gift at home -
It will come in handy yourself.
Try to sit next to the cake.
Don't engage in conversations.
You're talking
Eat half as much candy.
Choose smaller pieces
To swallow faster.
Don't grab the salad with your hands
You'll scoop up more with a spoon.
If they suddenly give you nuts,
Place them carefully in your pocket,
But don't hide the jam there -
It will be difficult to take it out.

Starting a fight with dad
Starting a fight with mom,
Try to surrender to your mother
Dad takes no prisoners.
By the way, find out from your mother:
Has she forgotten -
Beat prisoners on the butt with a belt
Prohibited by the Red Cross.

Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white cloak.
Gently pour the juice onto the cloak -
You will get a stain.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's cloak,
The entire cloak must be put in
Into thick cherry juice.
Take your mother's cherry raincoat
And a mug of milk.
Pour the milk carefully -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's cloak,
The entire cloak must be put in
In a saucepan with milk.
Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white cloak.
Lay carefully...

There is a reliable way dad
Drive you crazy forever.
Tell dad honestly.
What did you do yesterday.
If he can
Stay on your feet
Explain what to do
Tomorrow you think.
And when with a crazy look
Dad will sing songs
Call an ambulance
Her phone number is zero three.

If to dad or mom
The adult aunt came
And someone important leads
And serious conversation
Need from behind unnoticed
sneak up on her and then
Shout loudly in your ear:
- Stop! Give up! Hands up!
And when aunty gets off the chair
He'll fall out of fright
And he'll spill it on his dress
Tea, compote or jelly,
It's probably very loud
Mom will laugh
And, proud of my child,
Dad will shake your hand.
Dad will take you by the shoulder
And it will lead somewhere.
It'll probably be there for a very long time
Dad will praise you.

If you're not sure yet
We chose the path in life,
And you don't know why
Start your labor journey,
Break the light bulbs in the hallways -
People will tell you, "Thank you."
You will help the people
Save electricity.

If you are called to dinner,
Hide proudly under the sofa
And lie there quietly,
So that they don’t find you right away.
And when from under the sofa
They will drag you by the legs,
Break out and bite
Don't give up without a fight.
If they do get you
And they will seat you at the table,
Tip the cup over
Pour the soup on the floor.
Cover your mouth with your hands
Fall down from the chair.
And throw the cutlets up,
Let them stick to the ceiling.
In a month people will say
Sincerely about you:
- He looks thin and frail,
But the character is strong.

If you were walking in a hat,
And then she disappeared
Don't worry, mom's at home
You can lie about something.
But try to lie beautifully,
To look in admiration,
Holding my breath, mom
I listened to lies for a long time.
But if you lied
About the lost hat
What is it in an unequal battle
A spy took it from you,
Try to mom
I didn’t go to be indignant
To foreign intelligence
They won't understand her that way.

Are you being held accountable?
Well, know how to answer.
Don't shake, don't whine, don't mumble,
Never hide your eyes.
For example, my mother asked:
- Who scattered the toys?
Answer that it's dad
He brought his friends.
Did you get into a fight with your little brother?
Say he's the first
Kicked you in the neck
And he swore like a bandit.
If they ask: - Who's in the kitchen?
Have you eaten all the cutlets?
Say that the neighbor's cat
Or perhaps the neighbor himself.
No matter what you've done wrong,
Learn to answer.
For each one's actions
I must answer boldly.

To kick you out of your apartment
Various flies and mosquitoes,
I need to pull down the curtain
And spin it over your head.
Pictures will fly off the walls,
There are flowers from the windowsill.
The TV will tumble
The chandelier will crash into the parquet.
And escaping from the roar,
Mosquitoes will fly away
And the frightened flies
The flock will rush south.

Never allow
Set a thermometer for yourself
And don't swallow pills
And don't eat powders.
Let your stomach and teeth hurt,
Throat, ears, head,
Don't take any medicine anyway
And don't listen to the doctor.
The heart stops beating
But for sure
They won't stick mustard plaster on you
And they won't give you an injection.

If you are hospitalized
And you don’t want to lie there,
Wait until they come to your room
The most important doctor will come.
Bite him - and immediately
Your treatment will end
That same evening from the hospital
They'll take you home.

If you broke a window,
Don't rush to admit it.
Wait, won't it start?
Suddenly there is a civil war.
The artillery will strike
Glass will fly out everywhere
And no one will scold
For a broken window.

If you stayed at home
Alone without parents
I can offer you
An interesting game
Called "The Brave Chef"
Or "brave cook".
The essence of the game is cooking
All kinds of delicious dishes.
I suggest for starters
Here's a simple recipe:
Need to wear daddy's shoes
Pour out my mother's perfume,
And then these shoes
Apply shaving cream
And pour fish oil on them
With black mascara in half,
Throw in the soup that mom
I prepared it in the morning
And cook with the lid closed
Exactly seventy minutes.
You'll find out what happens,
When the adults come.

If your friend is the best
Slipped and fell
Point your finger at a friend
And grab your stomach...
Let him see, lying in a puddle, -
You're not upset at all.
A real friend doesn't love
Upset your friends.

If you decided in the morning
To behave,
Feel free to go into the closet
And dive into the darkness.
There's no mom or dad there,
Only daddy's pants.
No one will shout loudly there:
- Stop it! Do not dare! Don't touch it!
It will be much easier there
Without disturbing anyone,
The whole day itself
And lead decently.

Decided to fight - choose
The one who is weaker.
And the strong can give back,
Why do you need her?
The younger the one you hit,
The more joyful the heart
Watch him cry and scream
And he calls mommy.
But if suddenly for the baby
Someone stepped up
Run, scream and cry loudly,
And call mommy.

When a guest drops his cup,
Don't hit your guest in the forehead.
Give me another cup, let me
He drinks tea calmly.
When this cup is a guest
Will fall off the table
Pour tea into his glass,
And let him drink in peace.
When will all the dishes be a guest?
In the apartment he will interrupt,
I'll have to pour some sweet tea
By the scruff of his neck.

If they didn't buy you a cake
And they didn’t take me to the cinema in the evening,
You should be offended by your parents
And go without a hat into the cold night.
But it's not easy to walk the streets,
And go into the dense dark forest.
There you will immediately meet a hungry wolf,
And, of course, he will quickly eat you.
Then mom and dad will know
They will scream, cry and run away.
And they will rush to buy cake
And they will take you to the cinema in the evening.

Hit frogs with sticks
It is very interesting.
Tear off the wings of flies,
Let them run on foot.
Exercise daily
And a happy day will come -
you to some kingdom
They will be accepted as the chief executioner.

Girls should never be
Not to be noticed anywhere.
And don't give them a pass
Nowhere and never.
They need to put their feet up.
Scare from around the corner
So that they immediately understand:
You don't care about them.
I met a girl - quickly
Stick your tongue out.
Let her not think
That you're in love with her.

If your mom caught you
For what you love,
For example, while drawing
In the hallway on the wallpaper,
Explain to her what it is
Your surprise for the Eighth of March.
The picture is called
"Portrait of my dear mother."

There is no more pleasant thing to do
What to pick your nose with.
Everyone is terribly interested
What's hidden inside?
And who is disgusted to look,
Let him not even look.
We don't get in his way,
Let him not bother you either.

Beat your friends without a break
Every day for half an hour,
And your muscles
It will become stronger than a brick.
And with mighty hands
You, when the enemies come,
You can do it in difficult times
Protect your friends.

Never wash your hands
Neck, ears and face.
This is a stupid thing to do
Doesn't lead to anything.
Your hands will get dirty again
Neck, ears and face.
So why waste energy?
Wasting time?
It's also useless to get a haircut,
There's no point.
By old age by itself
Your head will go bald.

Look what's going on
In every house at night.
Turning his nose to the wall,
The adults lie silently.
They move their lips
In the pitchless darkness,
And with my eyes closed
They jerk their heels in their sleep.
Don't agree to anything
Go to bed at night.
Don't let anyone
Putting you to bed.
Do you really want
My childhood years
Spend under the blanket
On a pillow without pants?

If you're down the hall
Ride your bike
And towards you from the bathroom
Dad went out for a walk
Don't turn into the kitchen
There is a solid refrigerator in the kitchen.
Better brake like dad.
Dad is soft. He will forgive.

When you are your own mother
Leads to dentists
Don't expect mercy from her
Don't shed unnecessary tears.
Be silent like a captured partisan
And grit your teeth like that
So that she won’t be able to unclench them
Crowd of dentists.

If your mom bought you
There is only a ball in the store
And he doesn't want the rest
Everything he sees, buy,
Stand straight, heels together,
Place your arms to the sides,
Open your mouth wider
And shout the letter: - A!
And when, dropping the bags,
With a cry: - Citizens! Anxiety!
Buyers will rush
Led by sellers
The store director is here to see you
He will crawl up and tell his mother:
- Take everything for free,
Let him just shut up!

If you and your friends are together
Have fun in the yard
And in the morning they put it on you
Your new coat,
You shouldn't crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb fences
Hanging from nails.
So as not to spoil or stain
Your new coat,
We need to make it old.
This is done like this:
Get right into the puddle
Roll on the ground
And a little on the fence
Hang on nails.
Very soon it will become old
Your new coat,
Now you can calmly
Have fun in the yard.
You can safely crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb fences
Hanging from nails.

If the whole family goes swimming
You went to the river
Don't bother mom and dad
Sunbathe on the shore.
Don't start a scream
Give the adults a break.
Without pestering anyone,
Try to drown.

Who hasn't jumped out of a window?
Together with my mother's umbrella,
That dashing parachutist
Doesn't count yet.
Don't fly like a bird
Above the excited crowd
Don't put him in the hospital
With a bandaged leg.

It's better to tease from the window,
From the sixth floor.
From a tank is also good,
When the armor is strong,
But if you want to bring
People to bitter tears,
They're the safest
Tease on the radio.

Born a girl - be patient
Ridicules and pushing
And put your pigtails on everyone,
Who wouldn't mind pulling them?
But when you grow big,
Show them the fig
And you say: - Figurines! For you
I won't get married.

If there are cockroaches in the kitchen
Marching around the table
And the mice are happy
There's a practice fight on the floor,
So it's time for you to
Stop fighting for peace
And give up all your strength
To fight for purity.

Visit often
Theater buffet,
There are cakes with cream,
Water with bubbles.
Like firewood, on plates
The chocolates are lying
And from a straw you can
Drink a milkshake.
Don't ask for tickets
To the balcony and to the stalls,
And ask for tickets
To the theater buffet.
Leaving the theater
Take it with you
Under a trembling heart
There's a sandwich in the stomach.

Don't be offended by
Who hits you with their hands?
And don't be lazy every time
Thank him
Because, sparing no effort,
He hits you with his hands
I could easily grab it
And a stick and a brick.

Lost Child
Must remember that it's
They'll take you home as soon as
He will tell you his address.
We need to act smarter
Say: "I live
Near a palm tree with a monkey
On distant islands."
Lost child
If he's not a fool,
Will not miss the right opportunity
Visit different countries.

Hands never anywhere
Don't touch anything.
Don't get involved in anything
And don't go anywhere.
Move aside silently
Stand modestly in the corner
And stand quietly, without moving,
Until your old age.

Don't take someone else's if
Strangers are looking at you.
Let them close their eyes
Or they’ll go out for an hour.
Why be afraid of your own people?
They won’t tell about their own people.
Let them look. Grab someone else's
And drag him to yours.

Never stupid questions
Don't ask yourself
Or even more stupid
You will find the answer to them.
If the questions are stupid
Appeared in my head
Ask them straight away to adults.
Let their brains crack.

If you are going to a friend
Tell me your troubles
Take a friend by the button
It's useless - he'll run away,
And it will leave you with a souvenir
This button is a friend.
Better give him a kick
Throw on the floor, sit on top
And then in detail
Tell me your trouble.

If you came to see your friends,
Don't say hello to anyone.
Words: "please", "thank you"
Do not tell anybody.
Turn away and ask questions
Don't answer anyone's questions.
And then no one will say
About you, that you are a talker.

If anything happened
And no one is to blame
Don't go there or else
You will be to blame.
Hide somewhere on the side.
And then go home.
And about the fact that I saw this,
Do not tell anybody.

There is a sure way to please
adults:
In the morning, start yelling and littering,
Eavesdropping, whining, around the house
rush around
Kicking and begging for gifts from everyone.
Be rude, cunning, tease and lie,
And in the evening suddenly stop for an hour, -
And immediately, looking with a touched smile,
All the adults will pat you on the head
And they will say that you are a wonderful boy
And there is no child nicer than you.

If you came to the Christmas tree,
Demand your gift right away
Look, there's no candy
Santa Claus has not healed.
And don't you dare carefree
Bring home leftovers.
How mom and dad will run into you -
Half will be taken away.

If punishment awaits you
For bad behavior
For example, for being in the bathroom
Have you bathed your cat?
Without asking permission
Neither the cat nor the mother,
I can suggest you a way
How to escape from punishment.
Hit your head on the floor,
Beat yourself in the chest with your hands
And weep and shout:
“Oh, why did I torture the cat!?
I am worthy of terrible punishment!
My shame can only be redeemed by death!"
Not even half a minute will pass,
How, crying with you,
They will forgive you and, to console you,
They will run for a sweet cake.
And then calm down the cat
Lead me by the tail to the bath,
After all, a cat is a tell-all
He will never be able to.

If the whole family goes swimming
You went to the river
Don't bother mom and dad
Sunbathe on the shore.
Don't start a scream
Give the adults a break.
Without pestering anyone,
Try to drown.

Don't take someone else's if
Strangers are looking at you.
Let them close their eyes
Or they’ll go out for an hour.
Why be afraid of your own people?
They won’t tell about their own people.
Let them look. Grab someone else's
And drag him to yours.

Never stupid questions
Don't ask yourself
Or even more stupid
You will find the answer to them.
If the questions are stupid
Appeared in my head
Ask them straight away to adults.
Let their brains crack.

Visit often
Theater buffet.
There are cakes with cream,
Water with bubbles.
Like firewood on plates
The chocolates are lying
And through a tube you can
Drink a milkshake.
Don't ask for tickets
To the balcony and to the stalls,
Let them give you tickets
To the theater buffet.
Leaving the theater
Take it with you
Under a trembling heart,
In the stomach, a sandwich.

The most important thing for parents is patience and the ability to forgive. Because a child is a very dangerous, cruel, capricious, nightmarish creature. If a parent wants this child to grow into a normal person, he must have a huge amount of patience and must learn to forgive the child continuously. All the time. Permanently. Until he grows up. And then the child himself will learn to forgive.

And children need to take care of their adults. Adults, although not under state protection, are also quite vulnerable creatures. You can’t jump on an adult’s stomach, you can’t make a fire there, dig, chop, or pull out vegetation on your dad. We must take care of adults. They will still come in handy.

Previously, scientists believed that harmful advice could only be given to naughty children who did everything the other way around. Such a child will hear bad advice, do it differently - and it will turn out just right. But recently scientists realized that obedient children also need harmful advice. It turns out that harmful advice acts as an inoculation against stupidity on an obedient child. Now scientists allow harmful advice to be read to all children - both obedient and disobedient.

1.
Before your parents
Begging for something good
Ask yourself: “Do I deserve it?

Was I an obedient, sweet boy?
If yes, ask for twice as much.
If not, ask twice as pitifully.

2.
When you wake up, the first thing you do is
Promise not to start
Nothing like what you will
Continue today you.
Before going to bed, ask for forgiveness
And promise not to do it
Nothing like what I did
You're here all day today

When you wake up, the first thing you do is
Promise not to continue...
Before going to bed, ask for forgiveness
And promise not to do...
3.
Often mom promises
Doesn't work
But don't be upset
Be offended and grumble.
If you have to do it
Mom everything I promised
That, I'm afraid, is a living place
You won't find it on your butt.

At one time, the well-known G. Oster wrote a book of “bad advice” for children. Now children know what to do to drive their parents crazy with minimal stress for themselves. So what remains for parents? Suffering from disobedient offspring and once again cleaning up the soil scattered on the carpet from a flower pot? No, it won't work that way! Therefore, so that parents do not feel bitter and offended, we decided to provide you with our own version of “bad advice” - but now for parents! What do mothers and fathers need to do to raise their child “correctly”?

“Bad advice” for raising preschool children

1. After playing with the child, put him back where you took him from.

2. Remember that children never spit on a dirty floor - so wash it as little as possible.

3. If you need to achieve something, you have 3 ways to do it: hire someone, do it yourself, or forbid your child to do it.

4. Children will help you learn a lot about yourself - for example, how much patience do you have?

5. If you are too lazy to play hide and seek with your child, do not lie to him under the guise of being busy at work. It’s better to combine business with pleasure - “hide” on a business trip for a week, and let the child look for you!

6. Remember that children often have inferiority complexes. Therefore, you, as a responsible parent, are simply obliged to prevent this: do not show either your mental or physical superiority over your child; during a serious conversation with him, drool, cross your eyes, stick out your tongue.

7. If you have a small child at home, always look into the oven before turning it on.

8. There is a way to take revenge on your children for the years of parental hard labor - for example, live as long as possible!

9. If you don’t know what a child is, remember: it’s noise covered in dirt.

10. If your son climbed a tree and cannot get down, do not shake the tree or try to knock the child down with a stick. Autumn will come, it will ripen - and fall on its own.

11. Does your child not listen to you? There can be many reasons for this: he doesn’t hear you, doesn’t understand, you explain too vaguely. But against all these reasons there is one sure remedy: hit the butt, hit the butt and hit the butt again!

12. If your child doesn’t eat well, there is a proven way to feed him with maximum benefit. For example, take food out of the plate and scatter it on the floor in his room. After that, put your child in there - he will start dragging everything from the floor into his mouth - and he will eat himself, and will save you from having to wash the plates.

13. If you understand that you have nothing more to say to your child, send him to wash.

14. If your child cries for a long time and does not calm down, try to stop hitting him - he will calm down instantly.

15. If a child has stumped you with his question, immediately put him in a corner.

16. There is a surefire way to block a child’s access to a jar of jam. Lock the jam and put the key in the soap dish.

17. If you want your child to hear you, talk quietly in his presence...to someone else!

18. Fathers, never raise your hand to your child - this will leave your groin unprotected!

19. If your child is constantly sulking at everyone, buy him a trumpet, trombone or saxophone - he has talent!

20. And finally, the perfect recipe for getting your baby ready for bed. Take a young child (about 15 kg), wash him thoroughly in warm water. After this, dry it with a towel, wrap the clean baby in pajamas and press it lightly to your chest. After this, strain the story through your teeth (no more than 5 minutes), slowly rocking the child. After 5 minutes, place the child in the prepared container, preferably a bed.

“Bad advice” for raising schoolchildren

1. Remember: if your child has disgusting handwriting, this is a sign that he needs to be trained as a doctor.

2. As soon as your child enters first grade, throw away all his toys - he has already grown up, and nothing should distract him from his studies.

3. Your child should not have free time - load him to capacity, enroll him in various sections so that he does not relax.

4. If a child suddenly starts stealing money from you, and you suspect it, do not traumatize his psyche, do not shout at him or swear. Have a fun and relaxed search of his room, and then, having discovered the stolen property, play with the whole family in execution or public trial.

5. When your child goes to school, iron discipline should become the main element of his life. Regardless of whether he loses his zest for life.

6. Praising a child is the last thing! After all, he might get proud. And he doesn’t need to raise his self-esteem - it’s such a small thing!

7. To understand the motives of your child’s behavior, try to do the same thing as he does: for example, secretly smoke or break a couple of windows with a slingshot.

8. Force your child to rewrite the entire text even because of the slightest blot - after all, there is no better way to love writing than rewriting.

9. If your son brings back bad grades from school, don’t beat him or scold him. It’s much better to take a belt, come to school and whip... the teacher!

10. And so that your child doesn’t get bad grades from school and tries harder, be sure to set other children as an example. After all, envy is a very important feeling, much more important than self-confidence.

11. And for your child to do better at school, be sure to worry in front of him and express your dissatisfaction with teachers, scare him with creepy stories about school and the relationship between the teacher and students. Sometimes you can even lie about something - it’s even more effective!

12. Don’t even think about going to parent-teacher meetings or just to talk with the teacher. After all, parent-teacher meetings are a waste of money, and in the conversation the teacher won’t tell you anything new anyway. You won’t believe that your sweet child may not behave as sweetly as you are used to? It would be good to explain the reasons for your “not coming” to school with a wide variety of verbal epithets, ranging from the mental abilities of the teacher to the intelligence of the child’s father. And, of course, do all this in the presence of your first grader!

13. If your grown-up child begs you to buy him a bicycle, fulfill his request. After all, children grow up quickly - and soon you will still get a bicycle.

14. If in the morning your child is capricious and does not want to have breakfast, force feed him. It doesn’t matter that the day starts with tears and a bad mood - but the child will not go to school hungry.

15. If you want to help your child with homework, do them for him. It doesn’t matter that he won’t learn anything - but everything will be done quickly and without problems.

16. To help your child get ready quickly and not forget anything, pack his briefcase yourself. And dress it yourself too. After all, independence in the future will only hinder him and lead him astray from the “true path.”

17. The best after-school rest for a child is a computer and TV. And you feel calm, and the child goes about his business and does not bully you. And walking with him after school is so exhausting!

18. In general, a child does not need to rest after school - it is better to do his homework right away, while everything is fresh in his memory.

19. A child should go to bed on his own and, of course, without any bedtime stories: he is already big, and reading bedtime stories is just your bad habit.

20. And finally, if you suddenly notice that your child smokes, do not rush to punish him. Maybe he has long been an adult?

Of course, all this “bad advice” is a joke. But, as you know, “in every joke...”. If you recognize your actions towards your child in any of these tips, reconsider them so that from now on such advice is used only to laugh, and not in the real education of children. Laugh for your health - because laughter prolongs life!

Grigory Oster "Bad advice." - Obedient children are prohibited from reading!

Recently, scientists discovered that there are naughty children in the world who do everything the other way around. They are given useful advice: “Wash your face in the morning” - they take it and don’t wash it. They are told: “Say hello to each other” - they immediately begin not to say hello. Scientists have come up with the idea that such children should be given not useful, but harmful advice. They will do everything the other way around, and it will turn out just right.
This book is for naughty children

Lost Child
Must remember that it's
They'll take you home as soon as
He will tell you his address.
We need to act smarter
Say: “I live near a palm tree with a monkey on distant islands.”
Lost child
If he's not a fool,
Will not miss the right opportunity
Visit different countries.

Hands never anywhere
Don't touch anything.
Don't get involved in anything
And don't go anywhere.
Move aside silently
Stand modestly in the corner
And stand quietly, without moving,
Until your old age.

Who hasn't jumped out of a window?
Together with my mother's umbrella,
That dashing parachutist
Doesn't count yet.
Don't fly like a bird
Above the excited crowd
Don't put him in the hospital
With a bandaged leg.

If the whole family goes swimming
You went to the river
Don't bother mom and dad
Sunbathe on the shore.
Don't start a scream
Give the adults a break.
Without pestering anyone,
Try to drown.

There is no more pleasant thing to do
What to pick your nose with.
Everyone is terribly interested
What's hidden inside?
And who is disgusted to look,
Let him not even look.
We don’t get in his way,
Let him not bother you either.
If your mom caught you
For what you love,
For example, while drawing
In the hallway on the wallpaper,
Explain to her what it is -
Your surprise for the Eighth of March.
The painting is called:
“Portrait of my dear mother.”

Don't take someone else's if
Strangers are looking at you.
Let them close their eyes
Or they’ll go out for an hour.
Why be afraid of your own people?
They won’t tell about their own people.
Let them look. Grab someone else's
And drag him to yours.

Never stupid questions
Don't ask yourself
Or even more stupid
You will find the answer to them.
If the questions are stupid
Appeared in my head
Ask them straight away to adults.
Let their brains crack.

Visit often
Theater buffet.
There are cakes with cream,
Water with bubbles.
Like firewood on plates
The chocolates are lying
And through a tube you can
Drink a milkshake.
Don't ask for tickets
To the balcony and to the stalls,
Let them give you tickets
To the theater buffet.
Leaving the theater
Take it with you
Under a trembling heart,
In the stomach, a sandwich.

Born a girl - be patient
Trips and pushes.
And put your pigtails on everyone,
Who wouldn't mind pulling them?
But someday later
Show them the fig
And you will say: “Figurines, for you
I won’t get married!”

If you and your friends are together
Have fun in the yard
And in the morning they put it on you
Your new coat,
You shouldn't crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb fences
Hanging from nails.
So as not to spoil or dirty your new coat,
We need to make it old.
This is done like this:
Get right into the puddle
Roll on the ground
And a little on the fence
Hang on nails.
Very soon it will become old
Your new coat,
Now you can calmly
Have fun in the yard.
You can safely crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb fences
Hanging from nails.

If you're down the hall
Ride your bike
And towards you from the bathroom
Dad went out for a walk
Don't turn into the kitchen
There is a solid refrigerator in the kitchen.
Better brake like dad.
Dad is soft. He will forgive.

If you are united forever,
Illuminated and lead,
Don't try to dodge
From movement to celebration.
Still will raise to work
And it will inspire you to heroism
You are great and mighty,
And our reliable stronghold.

The main business of your life
Any trifle can become a problem.
You just have to firmly believe
There is no more important matter.
And then it won't hurt
You are neither cold nor hot,
Choking with delight,
Do nonsense.

Hit frogs with sticks.
It is very interesting.
Tear off the wings of flies,
Let them run on foot.
Exercise daily
And a happy day will come -
you to some kingdom
They will be accepted as the chief executioner.

Girls should never be
Not to be noticed anywhere.
And don't give them a pass
Nowhere and never.
They need to put their feet up
Scare from around the corner
So that they immediately understand:
You don't care about them.
I met a girl - quickly
Stick your tongue out.
Let her not think
That you're in love with her.

Starting a fight with dad
Starting a fight with mom,
Try to surrender to your mother, -
Dad takes no prisoners.
By the way, find out from your mother,
Has she forgotten?
Beat prisoners on the butt with a belt
Prohibited by the Red Cross.

If you are the whole world of violence
Are you going to destroy
And at the same time you dream of becoming
Everything without being anything
Feel free to follow us
Along the paved road,
We will give you this path
We might even give in.

Don't settle for anything
With no one and never
And those who agree with you
Call them cowardly.
For this everyone will start you
Love and respect.
And you will have it everywhere
Full of friends.

If there are cockroaches in the kitchen
Marching around the table
And the mice are happy
There's a practice fight on the floor,
So it's time for you to go
Stop fighting for peace
And give up all your strength
To fight for purity.

If you are going to a friend
Tell me your troubles
Take a friend by the button
It's useless - he'll run away
And it will leave you with a souvenir
This button is a friend.
Better give him a kick
Throw on the floor, sit on top
And then in detail
Tell me your trouble.

If you came to see your friends,
Don't say hello to anyone.
Words: “please”, “thank you”
Do not tell anybody.
Turn away and ask questions
Don't answer anyone's questions.
And then no one will say
About you, that you are a talker.

If anything happened
And no one is to blame
Don't go there or else
You will be to blame.
Hide somewhere on the side.
And then go home.
And about the fact that I saw this,
Do not tell anybody.

If they didn't buy you a cake
And they didn’t take us to the cinema in the evening,
You need to be offended by your parents,
And go without a hat into the cold night.
But not just like that
Wander the streets
And in the dense dark
Forest to go.
There's a wolf right there for you
Hungry to meet,
And, of course, quickly
He will eat you.
Then mom and dad will know
They will scream, cry and run away.
And they will rush to buy cake,
And to the cinema with you
They'll pick you up in the evening.

Look what's going on
In every house at night.
Turning his nose to the wall,
The adults lie silently.
They move their lips
In the pitch darkness
And with my eyes closed
The heel is jerked in your sleep.
Don't agree to anything
Go to bed at night.
Don't let anyone
Putting you to bed.
Do you really want
My childhood years
Spend under the blanket
On a pillow, without pants?

There is a sure way to please adults:
In the morning, start yelling and littering,
Eavesdropping, whining, running around the house
Kicking and begging for gifts from everyone.
Be rude, cunning, tease and lie,
And in the evening suddenly stop for an hour, -
And immediately, stroking with a touched smile,
All the adults will pat you on the head
And they will say that you are a wonderful boy
And there is no child nicer than you.

If you came to the Christmas tree,
Demand your gift right away
Look, there's no candy
Santa Claus has not healed.
And don't you dare carefree
Bring home leftovers.
How mom and dad gallop -
Half will be taken away.

If punishment awaits you
For bad behavior
For example, for being in the bathroom
Have you bathed your cat?
Without asking permission
Neither the cat nor the mother,
I can suggest you a way
How to escape from punishment.
Hit your head on the floor,
Beat yourself in the chest with your hands
And sob and shout: “Oh, why did I torture the cat!?
I am worthy of terrible punishment!
My shame can only be redeemed by death!”
Not even half a minute will pass,
How, crying with you,
They will forgive you and, to console you,
They will run for a sweet cake.
And then calm down the cat
Lead me by the tail to the bath,
After all, a cat is a tell-all
He will never be able to.

For example, in your pocket
It turned out to be a handful of sweets,
And they came towards you
Your true friends.
Don't be scared and don't hide,
Don't rush to run away
Don't shove all the candy
Along with candy wrappers in your mouth.
Approach them calmly
Without saying unnecessary words,
Quickly taking it out of his pocket,
Give them... your palm.
Shake their hands firmly,
Say goodbye slowly
And, turning the first corner,
Rush home quickly.
To eat candy at home,
Get under the bed
Because there, of course,
You won't meet anyone.

Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white cloak.
Gently pour the juice onto the cloak -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's cloak,
The entire cloak must be put in
Into thick cherry juice.
Take your mother's cherry raincoat
And a mug of milk.
Pour the milk carefully -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's cloak,
The entire cloak must be put in
In a saucepan with milk.
Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white cloak.
Lay carefully...

If you broke a window,
Don't rush to admit it.
Wait, won't it start?
Suddenly there is a civil war.
The artillery will strike
Glass will fly out everywhere
And no one will scold
For a broken window.

Beat your friends without a break
Every day for half an hour,
And your muscles
It will become stronger than a brick.
And with mighty hands,
You, when the enemies come,
You can do it in difficult times
Protect your friends.

Never wash your hands
Neck, ears and face.
This is a stupid thing to do
Doesn't lead to anything.
Your hands will get dirty again
Neck, ears and face,
So why waste energy?
Time to waste.
It's also useless to get a haircut,
There's no point.
By old age by itself
Your head will go bald.

Never allow
Set a thermometer for yourself
And don't swallow pills,
And don't eat powders.
Let your stomach and teeth hurt,
Throat, ears, head,
Don't take any medicine anyway
And don't listen to the doctor.
The heart stops beating
But for sure
They won't stick mustard plaster on you
And they won't give you an injection.
If you are hospitalized
And you don’t want to lie there,
Wait until they come to your room
The most important doctor will come.

Bite him and immediately
Your treatment will end
That same evening from the hospital
They'll take you home.

If mom is in the store
I just bought you a ball
And he doesn't want the rest
Buy everything he sees,
Stand straight, heels together,
Place your arms to the sides,
Open your mouth wider
And shout the letter "A"!
And when, dropping the bags,
With a cry: “Citizens! Anxiety!"
Buyers will rush
Led by sellers
The store director is here to see you
He will crawl up and tell his mother: “Take everything for free,
Let him just shut up."

When you are your own mother
Leads to dentists
Don't expect mercy from her
Don't shed unnecessary tears.
Be silent like a captured partisan
And grit your teeth like that
So that she won’t be able to unclench them
Crowd of dentists.

If you stayed at home
Alone without parents
I can offer you
An interesting game
Titled "The Brave Chef"
Or "The Brave Cook".
The essence of the game is preparation.
All kinds of delicious dishes.
I suggest for starters
Here's a simple recipe:
Need to wear daddy's shoes
Pour out my mother's perfume,
And then these shoes
Apply shaving cream
And, watering them with fish oil
With black mascara in half,
Throw in the soup that mom
I prepared it in the morning.
And cook with the lid closed
Exactly seventy minutes.
You'll find out what happens
When the adults come.

If your friend is the best
Slipped and fell
Point your finger at a friend
And grab your stomach.
Let him see, lying in a puddle, -
You're not upset at all.
A real friend doesn't love
Upset your friends.

If you're not sure yet
We have chosen a path in life
And you don't know why
Start your labor journey,
Break the light bulbs in the hallways -
People will thank you.
You will help the people
Save electricity.

To kick you out of your apartment
Various flies and mosquitoes,
I need to pull back the curtain
And spin it over your head.
Pictures will fly off the walls,
There are flowers from the windowsill.
The TV will tumble
The chandelier will crash into the parquet.
And, escaping from the roar,
Mosquitoes will fly away
And the frightened flies
The flock will rush south.

If you decided in the morning
To behave,
Feel free to go into your closet
lead
And dive into the darkness.
There's no mother there
no dad
Only daddy's pants.
No one will shout there
loud:
“Stop it! Do not dare!
Don't touch me!
It's much easier there
will,
Without disturbing anyone,
All day to yourself
decently
And lead decently.

Decided to fight - choose
The one who is weaker.
But the strong can fight back,
Why do you need her?
The younger the one you hit,
The more joyful the heart
Watch him cry, scream,
And he calls mommy.
But if suddenly for the baby
Someone stepped up
Run, scream and cry loudly,
And call mommy.

There is a reliable way dad
Drive you crazy forever.
Tell your dad honestly
What did you do yesterday.
If he can
Stay on your feet
Explain what to do
Tomorrow you think.
And when with a crazy look
Dad will sing songs
Call an ambulance.
Her phone number is 03.

If you were walking around wearing a hat,
And then she disappeared
Don't worry, mom is home
You can lie about something.
But try to lie beautifully,
To look in admiration,
Holding my breath, mom
I listened to lies for a long time.
But if you lied
About the lost hat
What is it in an unequal battle
A spy took it from you,
Try to mom
I didn’t go to be indignant
To foreign intelligence
They won't understand her that way.

“We need to share with the younger ones!”
“We need to help the younger ones!”
Never forget
These are the rules, friends.
Repeat very quietly
Theirs to someone older than you
So that the younger ones about it
We didn't find out anything.

If your hands are at lunch
You got the salad dirty
And you feel embarrassed about the tablecloth
Wipe your fingers,
Lower it discreetly
They are under the table, and it’s calm there
Wipe your hands
About the neighbor's pants.

If you're in your pocket
I didn't find a penny
Look in your neighbor's pocket -
Obviously the money is there.

If your desk neighbor
Became a source of infection
Hug him and off to school
You won't come for two weeks.

To spontaneous combustion
Didn't happen in the house
Leaving the premises
Take your iron with you.
Vacuum cleaner, electric stove,
TV and floor lamp
Better, with light bulbs together,
Take it to the neighboring yard.
And it will be even more reliable
Cut the wires
So that throughout your area
Immediately the light went out.
Here you can be sure
You're almost certainly
What from spontaneous combustion
The house was safely protected.

Matches are the best toy
For bored children.
Dad's tie, car passport -
Here's a small fire.
If you throw the slippers
Or put a broom
You can fry a whole chair
Cook the fish soup in the nightstand.
If adults are somewhere
The matches were hidden from you,
Explain to them that matches
For the fire you need.

If you wash your son
Mom suddenly discovers
That she is not washing her son,
And someone else’s daughter...
Don't let mom be nervous
Well, does she care?
There are no differences
Between dirty children.

When you get old, go
Walk along the street.
Don't get on the bus, anyway
You'll have to stand there.
And nowadays there are few fools,
To give way,
And to those distant times
There won't be any of them at all.

If you played football
On the wide pavement
And, hitting the goal,
Suddenly we heard a whistle,
Don't shout "Goal!" maybe
This is a policeman
Whistled when hit
Not at the gate, but into him.

Running away from the tram,
Don't rush under the dump truck.
Wait at the traffic light
Won't show up yet
Ambulance car -
It's full of doctors
Let them crush you.
They will heal themselves later.

If you want enemies
Win with one blow
Rockets and shells for you,
And there's no need for cartridges.
Drop to them by parachute
………………………………………..
(Fill out this line yourself.)
An hour later the enemies, sobbing,
They will come running to surrender.
If you are the last one on the council
You don’t want to insert a line yourself,
Choose any one for yourself
From those offered to you.

Drop them by parachute:
Your little sister
Dad, grandma and mom,
Two bags of rubles and three rubles,
The headmistress of your school,
The full staff of teachers' council
Engine from "Zaporozhets"
Dozens of dentists
BOY CHERNOV SASHA,
LITTLE MASHA OSTER,
Tea from the school canteen,
The book “Bad Advice”...
An hour later the enemies, sobbing,
They will come running to surrender.

If you are called to dinner,
Hide proudly under the sofa
And lie there quietly,
So that they don’t find you right away.
And when from under the sofa
They will drag you by the legs,
Break out and bite
Don't give up without a fight.
If they do get it
And they will seat you at the table,
Tip the cup over
Pour the soup on the floor.
Cover your mouth with your hands
Fall down from the chair.
And throw the cutlets up,
Let them stick to the ceiling.
In a month people will say
With respect about you: “He looks thin and dead,
But the character is strong.”

If you decide first
To join the ranks of your fellow citizens -
Never catch up
Rushing forward.
Five minutes later, cursing,
They will run back
And then, leading the crowd,
You will rush ahead.

If to dad or mom
Adult aunt came
And someone important leads
And a serious conversation
Need from behind unnoticed
sneak up on her and then
Shout loudly in your ear:
“Stop! Give up! Hands up!"
And when auntie gets off the chair
He'll fall out of fright
And he'll spill it on his dress
Tea, compote or jelly,
It's probably very loud
Mom will laugh
And, proud of my child,
Dad will shake your hand.
Dad will take you by the shoulder
And it will lead somewhere.
It'll probably be there for a very long time
Dad will praise you.

Get yourself a notebook
And write down in detail
Who's who at recess
How many times have I sent it to where?
Who is the physical education teacher with?
I drank kefir in the gym,
And what does dad say to mom at night?
He whispered quietly in his ear.

If sharp objects
You caught my eye
Try them deeper
Stick it into yourself.
This is the best way
See for yourself
What are dangerous items?
We must hide it from children.

Are you being held accountable?
Well, know how to answer.
Don't shake, don't whine, don't mumble,
Never hide your eyes.
For example, my mother asked:
“Who scattered the toys?”
Answer that it's dad
He brought his friends.
Did you get into a fight with your little brother?
Say he's the first
Kicked you in the neck
And he swore like a bandit.
If they ask who is in the kitchen
I bit all the cutlets,
Answer that the cat is the neighbor's,
And perhaps. the neighbor himself.
No matter what you've done wrong,
Learn to answer.
For each one's actions
I must answer boldly.

If you are determined
Steal a plane to the West,
But you can't think of it
How to scare pilots
Read passages to them
From today's newspaper -
And they go to any country
They will fly away with you.

It's better to tease from the window,
From the eighth floor.
From a tank is also good,
When the armor is strong.
But if you want to bring
People to bitter tears,
They're the safest
Tease on the radio.

When a guest drops his cup,
Don't hit your guest in the forehead.
Give me another cup, let me
He drinks tea calmly.
When this cup is a guest
Will fall off the table
Pour tea into his glass,
And let him drink in peace.
When will all the dishes be a guest?
In the apartment he will interrupt,
I'll have to pour some sweet tea
By the scruff of his neck.

If you are on the phone
Called a fool
And they didn’t wait for an answer,
Throwing the phone down,
Dial quickly
From any random numbers
And to the one who picks up the phone,
Let me know - I'm a fool myself.

Address of the school where
I was lucky to study
Like a multiplication table
Remember firmly, by heart,
And when will it happen to you
Meet a saboteur
Without wasting a minute,
Please provide the school address.

Don't be upset if
Calling mom to school
Or dad.
Do not be shy,
Bring the whole family.
Let uncles and aunts come
And second cousins
If you have a dog,
Bring her too.

If you decided to sister
Just to scare as a joke,
And she’s down the wall from you
Runs away barefoot
So the jokes are funny
They don't reach her
And you shouldn’t give it to your sister
Live mice in slippers.

If you caught your sister
With the grooms in the yard,
Don't rush her quickly
Give it to mom and dad.
Let the parents first
She will be given in marriage
Then you'll tell your husband
Everything you know about your sister.

If he's chasing you
Too many people
Ask them in detail
What are they upset about?
Try to console everyone.
Give everyone advice
But reduce the speed
Absolutely no use.

Don't be offended by
Who hits you with their hands?
And don't be lazy every time
Thank him
For sparing no effort,
He hits you with his hands
And I could take it in these hands
And a stick and a brick.

If a friend's birthday
I invited you to my place,
You leave the gift at home -
It will come in handy yourself.
Try to sit next to the cake.
Don't engage in conversations.
You're talking
Eat half as much candy.
Choose smaller pieces
To swallow faster.
Don't grab the salad with your hands -
You can scoop up more with a spoon.
If they suddenly give you nuts,
Place them carefully in your pocket,
But don't hide the jam there -
It will be difficult to take it out.

A book for naughty children and their parents

Recently, scientists discovered that there are naughty children in the world who do everything the other way around. They are given useful advice: “Wash your face in the morning” - they take it and don’t wash it. They are told: “Say hello to each other” - they immediately begin not to greet each other. Scientists have come up with the idea that such children should be given not useful, but harmful advice. They will do everything the other way around, and it will turn out just right.

THIS BOOK IS FOR Naughty CHILDREN.

Lost Child
Must remember that it's
They'll take you home as soon as
He will tell you his address.
We need to act smarter
Say: "I live
Near a palm tree with a monkey
On distant islands."
Lost child
If he's not a fool,
Will not miss the right opportunity
Visit different countries.

Hands never anywhere
Don't touch anything.
Don't get involved in anything

And don't go anywhere.
Move aside silently, stand modestly in the corner
And stand quietly, without moving,
Until your old age.

Who hasn't jumped out of a window?
Together with my mother's umbrella,
That dashing parachutist
Doesn't count yet.
Don't fly like a bird
Above the excited crowd
Don't put him in the hospital
With a bandaged leg.

If the whole family goes swimming
You went to the river
Don't bother mom and dad
Sunbathe on the shore.
Don't start a scream
Give the adults a break.
Without pestering anyone,
Try to drown.

There is no more pleasant activity than picking your nose. Everyone is terribly interested in what is hidden inside. And whoever is disgusted to look, let him not look. We don’t get in his way, let him not pester him either. If your mother caught you doing what you love,

For example, while drawing
In the hallway on the wallpaper,
Explain to her what it is -
Your surprise for the Eighth of March.
The painting is called:
“Portrait of my dear mother.”

Don't take someone else's if
Strangers are looking at you.
Let them close their eyes
Or they’ll go out for an hour.
Why be afraid of your own people?
They won’t tell about their own people.
Let them look.
Grab someone else's
And drag him to yours.

Never stupid questions
Don't ask yourself
Or even more stupid
You will find the answer to them.
If the questions are stupid
Appeared in my head
Ask them straight away to adults.
Let their brains crack.

Visit often
Theater buffet.
There are cakes with cream,
Water with bubbles.
Like firewood on plates
The chocolates are lying
And through a tube you can
Drink a milkshake.
Don't ask for tickets
To the balcony and to the stalls,
Let them give you tickets
To the theater buffet.
Leaving the theater
Take it with you
Under a trembling heart,
In the stomach, a sandwich.

Born a girl - be patient
Trips and pushes.
And put your pigtails on everyone,
Who wouldn't mind pulling them?
But someday later
Show them the fig
And you will say: “Figurines, for you
I won't get married!"

If you and your friends are together
Have fun in the yard
And in the morning they put it on you
Your new coat,
You shouldn't crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb fences
Hanging from nails.
So as not to spoil or dirty your new coat,
We need to make it old.
This is done like this:
Get right into the puddle
Roll on the ground
And a little on the fence
Hang on nails.
Very soon it will become old
Your new coat,
Now you can calmly
Have fun in the yard.
You can safely crawl in puddles

And roll on the ground
And climb fences
Hanging from nails.

If you're down the hall
Ride your bike
And towards you from the bathroom
Dad went out for a walk
Don't turn into the kitchen
There is a solid refrigerator in the kitchen.
Better brake like dad.
Dad is soft.
He will forgive.

If you are united forever,
Illuminated and lead,
Don't try to dodge
From movement to celebration.
Still will raise to work
And it will inspire you to heroism
You are great and mighty,
And our reliable stronghold.

The main business of your life
Any trifle can become a problem.
You just have to firmly believe
There is no more important matter.
And then it won't hurt
You are neither cold nor hot,
Choking with delight,
Do nonsense.

Hit frogs with sticks.
It is very interesting.
Tear off the wings of flies,
Let them run on foot.
Exercise daily
And a happy day will come -
you to some kingdom
They will be accepted as the chief executioner.

Girls should never be
Not to be noticed anywhere.
And don't give them a pass
Nowhere and never.
They need to put their feet up
Scare from around the corner
So that they immediately understand:
You don't care about them.
I met a girl - quickly
Stick your tongue out.
Let her not think
That you're in love with her.

Starting a fight with dad
Starting a fight with mom,
Try to surrender to your mother, -
Dad takes no prisoners.
By the way, find out from your mother,
Has she forgotten -
Beat prisoners on the butt with a belt
Prohibited by the Red Cross.

If you are the whole world of violence
Are you going to destroy
And at the same time you dream of becoming
Everything without being anything
Feel free to follow us
Along the paved road,
We will give you this path
We might even give in.

Don't settle for anything
With no one and never
And those who agree with you
Call them cowardly.
For this everyone will start you
Love and respect.
And you will have it everywhere
Full of friends.

If there are cockroaches in the kitchen
Marching around the table
And the mice are happy
There's a practice fight on the floor,
So it's time for you to go
Stop fighting for peace
And give up all your strength
To fight for purity.

If you are going to a friend
Tell me your troubles
Take a friend by the button
It's useless - he'll run away,
And it will leave you with a souvenir
This button is a friend.
Better give him a kick
Throw on the floor, sit on top
And then in detail
Tell me your trouble.

If you came to see your friends,
Don't say hello to anyone.
Words: “please”, “thank you”
Do not tell anybody.
Turn away and ask questions
Don't answer anyone's questions.
And then no one will say
About you, that you are a talker.

If anything happened
And no one is to blame
Don't go there or else
You will be to blame.
Hide somewhere on the side.
And then go home.
And about the fact that I saw this,
Do not tell anybody.

If they didn't buy you a cake
And they didn’t take us to the cinema in the evening,
You need to be offended by your parents,
And go without a hat into the cold night.
But not just like that
Wander the streets
And in the dense dark
Forest to go.
There's a wolf right there for you
Hungry to meet,
And, of course, quickly
He will eat you.
Then mom and dad will know
They will scream, cry and run away.
And they will rush to buy cake,
And to the cinema with you
They'll pick you up in the evening.

Look what's going on
In every house at night.
Turning his nose to the wall,
The adults lie silently.
They move their lips
In the pitch darkness
And with my eyes closed
The heel is jerked in your sleep.
Don't agree to anything
Go to bed at night.
Don't let anyone
Putting you to bed.
Do you really want
My childhood years
Spend under the blanket
On a pillow, without pants?

There is a sure way to please adults:
In the morning, start yelling and littering,
Eavesdropping, whining, running around the house
Kicking and begging for gifts from everyone.
Be rude, cunning, tease and lie,
And in the evening suddenly stop for an hour, -
And immediately, stroking with a touched smile,
All the adults will pat you on the head
And they will say that you are a wonderful boy
And there is no child nicer than you.

If you came to the Christmas tree,
Demand your gift right away
Look, there's no candy
Santa Claus has not healed.
And don't you dare carefree
Bring home leftovers.
How mom and dad gallop -
Half will be taken away.

If punishment awaits you
For bad behavior
For example, for being in the bathroom
Have you bathed your cat?
Without asking permission
Neither the cat nor the mother,
I can suggest you a way
How to escape from punishment.
Hit your head on the floor,
Beat yourself in the chest with your hands
And sob and shout: “Oh, why did I torture the cat!?
I am worthy of terrible punishment!
My shame can only be redeemed by death!"
Not even half a minute will pass,
How, crying with you,
They will forgive you and, to console you,
They will run for a sweet cake.
And then calm down the cat
Lead me by the tail to the bath,
After all, a cat is a tell-all
He will never be able to.

For example, in your pocket
It turned out to be a handful of sweets,
And they came towards you
Your true friends.
Don't be scared and don't hide,
Don't rush to run away
Don't shove all the candy
Along with candy wrappers in your mouth.
Approach them calmly
Without saying unnecessary words,
Quickly taking it out of his pocket,
Give them... your palm.
Shake their hands firmly,
Say goodbye slowly
And, turning the first corner,
Rush home quickly.
To eat candy at home,
Get under the bed
Because there, of course,
You won't meet anyone.

Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white cloak.
Gently pour the juice onto the cloak -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's cloak,
The entire cloak must be put in
Into thick cherry juice.
Take your mother's cherry raincoat
And a mug of milk.
Pour the milk carefully -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's cloak,
The entire cloak must be put in
In a saucepan with milk.
Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white cloak.
Lay carefully...

If you broke a window,
Don't rush to admit it.
Wait, won't it start?
Suddenly there is a civil war.
The artillery will strike
Glass will fly out everywhere
And no one will scold
For a broken window.

Beat your friends without a break
Every day for half an hour,
And your muscles
It will become stronger than a brick.
And with mighty hands,
You, when the enemies come,
You can do it in difficult times
Protect your friends.

Never wash your hands
Neck, ears and face.
This is a stupid thing to do
Doesn't lead to anything.
Your hands will get dirty again
Neck, ears and face,
So why waste energy?
Time to waste.
It's also useless to get a haircut,
There's no point.
By old age by itself
Your head will go bald.

Never allow
Set a thermometer for yourself
And don't swallow pills,
And don't eat powders.
Let your stomach and teeth hurt,
Throat, ears, head,
Don't take any medicine anyway
And don't listen to the doctor.
The heart stops beating
But for sure
They won't stick mustard plaster on you
And they won't give you an injection.
If you are hospitalized
And you don’t want to lie there,
Wait until they come to your room
The most important doctor will come.
Bite him - and immediately
Your treatment will end
That same evening from the hospital
They'll take you home.

If mom is in the store
I just bought you a ball
And he doesn't want the rest
Buy everything he sees,
Stand straight, heels together,
Place your arms to the sides,
Open your mouth wider
And shout the letter "A"!
And when, dropping the bags,
With a cry: “Citizens! Anxiety!"
Buyers will rush
Led by sellers
The store director is here to see you
He will crawl up and tell his mother: “Take everything for free,
Let him just shut up."

When you are your own mother
Leads to dentists
Don't expect mercy from her
Don't shed unnecessary tears.
Be silent like a captured partisan
And grit your teeth like that
So that she won’t be able to unclench them
Crowd of dentists.

If you stayed at home
Alone without parents
I can offer you
An interesting game
Titled "The Brave Chef"
Or "The Brave Cook".
The essence of the game is preparation.
All kinds of delicious dishes.
I suggest for starters
Here's a simple recipe:
Need to wear daddy's shoes
Pour out my mother's perfume,
And then these shoes
Apply shaving cream
And, watering them with fish oil
With black mascara in half,
Throw in the soup that mom
I prepared it in the morning.
And cook with the lid closed
Exactly seventy minutes.
You'll find out what happens
When the adults come.

If your friend is the best
Slipped and fell
Point your finger at a friend
And grab your stomach.
Let him see, lying in a puddle, -
You're not upset at all.
A real friend doesn't love
Upset your friends.

If you're not sure yet
We have chosen a path in life
And you don't know why
Start your labor journey,
Break the light bulbs in the hallways -
People will thank you.
You will help the people
Save electricity.

To kick you out of your apartment
Various flies and mosquitoes,
I need to pull back the curtain
And spin it over your head.
Pictures will fly off the walls,
There are flowers from the windowsill.
The TV will tumble
The chandelier will crash into the parquet.
And, escaping from the roar,
Mosquitoes will fly away
And the frightened flies
The flock will rush south.

If you decided in the morning
To behave,
Feel free to go into your closet
lead
And dive into the darkness.
There's no mother there
no dad
Only daddy's pants.
No one will shout there
loud:
"Stop it! Don't you dare!"
Don't touch me!"
It's much easier there
will,
Without disturbing anyone,
All day to yourself
decently
And lead decently.

Decided to fight - choose
The one who is weaker.
But the strong can fight back,
Why do you need her?
The younger the one you hit,
The more joyful the heart
Watch him cry, scream,
And he calls mommy.
But if suddenly for the baby
Someone stepped up
Run, scream and cry loudly,
And call mommy.

There is a reliable way dad
Drive you crazy forever.
Tell your dad honestly
What did you do yesterday.
If he can
Stay on your feet
Explain what to do
Tomorrow you think.
And when with a crazy look
Dad will sing songs
Call an ambulance.
Her phone number is 03.

If you were walking around wearing a hat,
And then she disappeared
Don't worry, mom is home
You can lie about something.
But try to lie beautifully,
To look in admiration,
Holding my breath, mom
I listened to lies for a long time.
But if you lied
About the lost hat
What is it in an unequal battle
A spy took it from you,
Try to mom
I didn’t go to be indignant
To foreign intelligence
They won't understand her that way.

“We need to share with the younger ones!”
“We need to help the younger ones!”
Never forget
These are the rules, friends.
Repeat very quietly
Theirs to someone older than you
So that the younger ones about it
We didn't find out anything.

If your hands are at lunch
You got the salad dirty
And you feel embarrassed about the tablecloth
Wipe your fingers,
Lower it discreetly
They are under the table, and it’s calm there
Wipe your hands
About the neighbor's pants.

If you're in your pocket
I didn't find a penny
Look into your neighbor's pocket -
Obviously the money is there.

If your desk neighbor
Became a source of infection
Hug him and off to school
You won't come for two weeks.

To spontaneous combustion
Didn't happen in the house
Leaving the premises
Take your iron with you.
Vacuum cleaner, electric stove,
TV and floor lamp
Better, with light bulbs together,
Take it to the neighboring yard.
And it will be even more reliable
Cut the wires
So that throughout your area
Immediately the light went out.
Here you can be sure
You're almost certainly
What from spontaneous combustion
The house was safely protected.

Matches are the best toy
For bored children.
Dad's tie, car passport -
Here's a small fire.
If you throw the slippers
Or put a broom
You can fry a whole chair
Cook the fish soup in the nightstand.
If adults are somewhere
The matches were hidden from you,
Explain to them that matches
For the fire you need.

If you wash your son
Mom suddenly discovers
That she is not washing her son,
And someone else’s daughter...
Don't let mom be nervous
Well, does she care?
There are no differences
Between dirty children.

When you get old, go
Walk along the street.
Don't get on the bus, anyway
You'll have to stand there.
And nowadays there are few fools,
To give way,
And to those distant times
There won't be any of them at all.

If you played football
On the wide pavement
And, hitting the goal,
Suddenly we heard a whistle,
Don't shout "Goal!" maybe
This policeman whistled,
when they hit
Not at the gate, but into him.

Running away from the tram,
Don't rush under the dump truck.
Wait at the traffic light
Won't show up yet
Ambulance car -
It's full of doctors
Let them crush you.
They will heal themselves later.

If you want enemies
Win with one blow
Rockets and shells for you,
And there's no need for cartridges.
Drop to them by parachute
(Fill out this line yourself.)
An hour later the enemies, sobbing,
They will come running to surrender.
If you are the last one on the council
You don’t want to insert a line yourself,
Choose any one for yourself
From those offered to you.
Drop them by parachute:
Your little sister
Dad, grandma and mom,
Two bags of rubles and three rubles,
The headmistress of your school,
The full staff of teachers' council
Engine from "Zaporozhets"
Dozens of dentists
BOY CHERNOV SASHA,
LITTLE MASHA OSTER,
Tea from the school canteen,
The book “Bad Advice”...
An hour later the enemies, sobbing,
They will come running to surrender.

If you are called to dinner,
Hide proudly under the sofa
And lie there quietly,
So that they don’t find you right away.
And when from under the sofa
They will drag you by the legs,
Break out and bite
Don't give up without a fight.
If they do get it
And they will seat you at the table,
Tip the cup over
Pour the soup on the floor.
Cover your mouth with your hands
Fall down from the chair.
And throw the cutlets up,
Let them stick to the ceiling.
In a month people will say
With respect about you: “He looks thin and dead,
But the character is strong."

If you decide first
To join the ranks of your fellow citizens -
Never catch up
Rushing forward.
Five minutes later, cursing,
They will run back
And then, leading the crowd,
You will rush ahead.

If to dad or mom
Adult aunt came
And someone important leads
And a serious conversation
Need from behind unnoticed
sneak up on her and then
Shout loudly in your ear:
“Stop! Give up! Hands up!"
And when auntie gets off the chair
He'll fall out of fright
And he'll spill it on his dress
Tea, compote or jelly,
It's probably very loud
Mom will laugh
And, proud of my child,
Dad will shake your hand.
Dad will take you by the shoulder
And it will lead somewhere.
It'll probably be there for a very long time
Dad will praise you.

Get yourself a notebook
And write down in detail
Who's who at recess
How many times have I sent it to where?
Who is the physical education teacher with?
I drank kefir in the gym,
And what does dad say to mom at night?
He whispered quietly in his ear.

If sharp objects
You caught my eye
Try them deeper
Stick it into yourself.
This is the best way
See for yourself
What are dangerous items?
We must hide it from children.

Are you being held accountable?
Well, know how to answer.
Don't shake, don't whine, don't mumble,
Never hide your eyes.
For example, my mother asked:
“Who scattered the toys?”
Answer that it's dad
He brought his friends.
Did you get into a fight with your little brother?
Say he's the first
Kicked you in the neck
And he swore like a bandit.
If they ask who is in the kitchen
I bit all the cutlets,
Answer that the cat is the neighbor's,
Or perhaps the neighbor himself.
No matter what you've done wrong,
Learn to answer.
For each one's actions
I must answer boldly.

If you are determined
Steal a plane to the West,
But you can't think of it
How to scare pilots
Read passages to them
From today's newspaper, -
And they go to any country
They will fly away with you.

It's better to tease from the window,
From the eighth floor.
From a tank is also good,
When the armor is strong.
But if you want to bring
People to bitter tears,
They're the safest
Tease on the radio.

When a guest drops his cup,
Don't hit your guest in the forehead.
Give me another cup, let me
He drinks tea calmly.
When this cup is a guest
Will fall off the table
Pour tea into his glass,
And let him drink in peace.
When will all the dishes be a guest?
In the apartment he will interrupt,
I'll have to pour some sweet tea
By the scruff of his neck.

If you are on the phone
Called a fool
And they didn’t wait for an answer,
Throwing the phone down,
Dial quickly
From any random numbers
And to the one who picks up the phone,
Let me know - I'm a fool myself.

Address of the school where
I was lucky to study
Like a multiplication table
Remember firmly, by heart,
And when will it happen to you
Meet a saboteur
Without wasting a minute,
Please provide the school address.

Don't be upset if
Calling mom to school
Or dad. Do not be shy,
Bring the whole family.
Let uncles and aunts come
And second cousins
If you have a dog,
Bring her too.

If you decided to sister
Just to scare as a joke,
And she’s down the wall from you
Runs away barefoot
So the jokes are funny
They don't reach her
And you shouldn’t give it to your sister
Live mice in slippers.

If you caught your sister
With the grooms in the yard,
Don't rush her quickly
Give it to mom and dad.
Let the parents first
She will be given in marriage
Then you'll tell your husband
Everything you know about your sister.

If he's chasing you
Too many people
Ask them in detail
What are they upset about?
Try to console everyone.
Give everyone advice
But reduce the speed
Absolutely no use.

Don't be offended by
Who hits you with their hands?
And don't be lazy every time
Thank him
For sparing no effort,
He hits you with his hands
And I could take it in these hands
And a stick and a brick.

If a friend's birthday
I invited you to my place,
You leave the gift at home -
It will come in handy yourself.
Try to sit next to the cake.
Don't engage in conversations.
You're talking
Eat half as much candy.
Choose smaller pieces
To swallow faster.
Don't grab the salad with your hands -
You can scoop up more with a spoon.
If they suddenly give you nuts,
Place them carefully in your pocket,
But don't hide the jam there -
It will be difficult to take it out.

A book about the delicious and healthy food of the cannibal

Never agree to listen to this book and never read it yourself. If they do force you to read or force you to read it out loud, close your eyes, plug your ears with your fingers and shout something loud so that you are sure not to hear anything. The main thing to remember is that it is not true that the cannibal eats only ill-mannered boys and girls. He likes the well-mannered ones even more because they are much tastier. And also, know that there is a very simple way to escape from the cannibal when he catches you. At the very last second, as soon as he opens his mouth, say to the nasty little voice: “Have you washed your hands?” “No,” the cannibal will say. “Here, go, wash,” you say, “and then sit down to sleep.” And when the cannibal runs to wash his hands, shout after him: “With soap, with soap! I'll check!" No self-respecting cannibal will ever return to you after this, and you can slowly get out of the plate and calmly go home for dinner.
Dear parents! Here is a home educator's cookbook. This is a terrible piece of work. Don't even think about reading it to your children at night! Only in the morning! And only if you still decided to lecture them in the morning, throw reproaches at them, prick them with reproaches, and also nag them, poke them, bug them and poke their noses at what they had done until lunchtime. Then it’s better to read to them a book about the delicious and healthy food of the cannibal. In the end, going through different methods of education, it is not difficult to come to the thought: “The simplest and least funny thing a person can do to a person is to eat him!”
ARGUY WITH A HOT NOSE
Place a very arrogant girl in a frying pan, praise her several times, as soon as she lifts her nose, pour sunflower oil over it, fry it well and eat while praising.