Starting a life together tips. How to stay happy when you live with your boyfriend

If you and your man are thinking about moving in together, you should know what you need to prepare for.

Long distance relationships are one thing. Meetings in the evenings after work are different, but living together with a man is a completely different relationship. A civil marriage will show you a man from a different side, unfamiliar to you, but it can also force you to come to terms with certain rules. Although this is not all bad if you look at such changes correctly.

Living together with a man: what you need to know

Kitchen . Now cooking will become a constant process for you, which you cannot skip. If your loved one knows how to hold a saucepan or how long to cook pasta, kitchen duties can be divided between two people. For example, you prepare breakfast on the weekend, then trust your man to prepare sandwiches while you apply makeup or take a morning shower. It is important to set rules initially that the two of you will follow. The same can be said about cleaning an apartment: someone takes out the trash, someone can wipe the dust, and someone can vacuum. It is necessary at the initial stage to agree that this function concerns not only one of the spouses - this is collective work.

Always near. After you start living together, the problems will go away, since you will not need to go on a date after work. Your beloved man will always be there, and with him, resentment, reverent attitude, irritation and love. This should not scare you, you just need to learn how to distribute your own space, of course, if there is a need for it.

Home cinema. The big advantage is that you will spend a lot of time together. So, for example, watching a movie will be the best spending time together, and you will begin to watch entire collections of famous TV series.

Shared piggy bank. From now on, your finances will be united, and this should not be sad news for you. The two of you will spend money on paying bills, household expenses and food. However, no one has canceled women's needs, for which a little more finance can be allocated.

No need to pump. IN civil marriage The level of temper, tolerance will be tested, and many reasons for small scandals will arise. However, it is worth starting good habits from the very beginning - you will both learn to avoid conflicts and give in to each other. Therefore, if a man wants to watch a football match, and your favorite romantic series, then these views can be distributed on the computer and TV, thereby avoiding a conflict of interests.

Our consultant, IAAP analyst, specialist at the Insight Center for Education and Family Development

Congratulations, you are starting to live with a new girl!

Of course, this time everything will be different: you will always be together and die on the same day. The only thing that can hinder you in this good undertaking is the romantic illusions that accompany the beginning of a life together. We have compiled a list of the most common and dangerous illusions for your couple so that they never separate you. Better let a stripper separate you!

We will never quarrel!

How, how can you quarrel with this wonderful creature with silky hair and a voice that rings like a stream? Even if she thinks that way about you, believe me, it won't last long. All you have to do is wash your sneakers once with her shampoo, mail-ordered from New Zealand, and her eyes will become bloodshot. And we bet you won’t tolerate her habit of making fun of the size of your plasma in the presence of friends. In general, the bad news is that quarrels are inevitable. The good news is that arguing is good for your relationship. In general, the total absence of quarrels is the first sign of an impending breakup. After all, if you have nothing to find out, you are indifferent to each other. So fight. But wisely. “Take quarrels as a kind of clearing of communications,” our consultant recommends. - Quarrels have the potential to bring people together, not alienate them. After all, during a quarrel you learn new information about each other.” At the same time, you also need to be able to quarrel. Olga Mikulina recommends using so-called “I messages” in speech: using the pronoun “I” rather than the pronoun “you,” this way you inform your partner about your emotions.

For example, instead of shouting to a girl with feeling, “You cheated on me again with my favorite plumber, you cantankerous woman with an incomplete higher education!”, say: “I feel deceived and lonely when I am cheated on with a plumber.” “I-messages” will help you convey to the girl the very essence of your experiences. But suppressing and keeping silent about grievances in the name of the mythical commandment about the absence of quarrels in relationships can lead to deepening misunderstandings and subsequent rupture.

We will decorate our apartment together!

One of the main tests that awaits you and your girlfriend on a bumpy road life together, is a collective interior design. Bunpar's 15 Things to Discuss Before Moving In Says: "As much as you want your home to reflect your taste, you need to make sure your partner doesn't have allergies to certain furnishings." Agree like this:
- one thing of hers against one of yours. For example, your display of old cell phones against her collection of pink netsuke;
- develop a neutral interior that does not irritate either party;
- for the most edge cases(reproduction of “Girl with Peaches” in a gold frame) introduce the right of veto. If you make compromises, then everyone.

We will get a dog (cat, iguana) and take care of it together!

In principle, according to Olga Mikulina, the idea is not bad: “Relationships are more stable if partners have some common cause. A dog or a cat could easily become such a common cause.” But before you run to the Pomeranian farm, think carefully. If you haven’t liked dogs since childhood and experience an inexplicable fear of cat whiskers, most likely nothing will change now. Perhaps, under the influence of feelings for a girl, you will even engage in self-deception, trying to convince yourself that cat whiskers are not scary, and dogs are pleasant. But a little time will pass - and now joint care of the animal will turn into a nightmare of nightly walks and the calvary of replacing the tray. And then mutual hatred is just a stone's throw away.

We will reveal passwords and logins to each other!

Of course, you can give her the password to your email, Facebook, Contact, Instagram and the forum for house of cards fans. But know this: when you next time the message “I missed you and washed your socks” will come, you will have to prove for a long, long time that your mother is hiding under the nickname Svetka Sexy Baby.

Access to sacred information can corrupt even the most sensible person, and mutual trust very quickly turns into mutual surveillance. And now, under the cover of darkness, you are eagerly scrolling through your friend’s feed with a trembling hand, tormented by the question of why this half-naked jock with a powerful jaw gave your girlfriend as many as 14 likes this week. And last time - 17! So keep your details to yourself. And to the question “Why don’t you want to give me the password?” answer sincerely: “I trust you and hope for reciprocal trust.”

We will have no secrets from each other!

At the beginning of a relationship, the level of trust partners have in each other is off the charts. You want to tell her everything: from the time you ate a jar of jam in the army to the time you accidentally hacked your neighbor to death with an axe. Do not rush. Some information is best left to yourself, especially those related to past relationships. We hand over the keyboard to our specialist: “Some people talk about their previous relationships in order to revive the relationship and provoke their partner. The reaction to such frankness can be different, but, as a rule, it is either an immediate quarrel or a hidden resentment. The main danger that lurks in this kind of information is the erosion of the idyllic image of a partner. So protect your partners from your past. Remember: the only thing that matters is here and now. If the girl insists on the number, looking away, boldly answer: “Ten!” Researchers surveyed 1,000 users of the dating site www.SeekingArrangement.com before arriving at this universal figure. With her, you don't risk seeming like a loser or too lucky.

We won't be shy!

There is such a thing in relationships as “boundaries”. Our specialist told us about this. “In each couple, boundaries are set individually, but they are always there,” reports Olga Mikulina. - And it’s better to discuss them right away. For example, someone calmly pees in front of their partner, while another is embarrassed to even brush their teeth. I knew a couple in which the husband forbade his wife to hold knitting needles in his presence, because he considered needlework to be asexual.” Therefore, before the sign eternal love and dedication to farting Vivaldi’s “Spring” to a girl, by asking leading questions (“I wonder, has anyone tried to fart Vivaldi’s “Spring?”) try to find out her reaction to such a degree of intimacy.

One more thing. Incredible, but true: some women are offended by the sight of completely naked men, unless, of course, something like that is planned in the coming minutes. At least, this is the opinion expressed by the girls we interviewed. You have no idea how upset the fitness editor is! He long years I walked around naked and thought that everyone liked it.

We will adapt to each other's regime!

The conflict between larks and owls is as eternal as the sun and the moon. And, alas, it cannot be settled. “Under no circumstances should any of the partners sacrifice their regime,” Olga Mikulina tells us authoritatively. - Remember that the other side of the victim is the aggressor. Night vigil can give rise to morning irritation and anger in the lark, which is unusual for this bird. Regular early rising of owls will lead to the same result.” So don't try to change your or your partner's routine. Yes, you may see each other less often due to different schedules. But the chances of getting bored of each other are greatly reduced.

Money issues will not worry us!

At first it seems that this is indeed the case. You pay the bill at a restaurant, she gives you a tie; you buy popcorn at the cinema, she reads the credits to you for free the entire show because you forgot your glasses at the restaurant, etc. But suddenly you decide to move in together. And then it turns out that your views on the financial sphere of life differ.

Let's say she is convinced that a man should lie on the couch and watch cricket broadcasts around the clock, while a woman should bring money into the house. You, in turn, think that a woman is obliged to stay in spa salons for hours, enjoying exotic gingerbread wraps with the money earned by her man. Conflict is inevitable. Therefore, the authors of the book “15 Things to Discuss Before Moving in Together” argue that “financial issues should be discussed in advance so as not to end up in a situation that is unacceptable to you.”

There are many options for joint management of finances, for example:
- you can contribute a certain amount to the common pot every month;
- agree on the division of expenses: she pays the bills, and you buy whips with feathers.

If you still think that the topic of money is too slippery to discuss, then you either earn a lot (in this case, we envy you), or you deliberately live dependent on women (even more so, we envy you).

We won't be cramped next to each other!

Before calling the movers, calculate in advance the volume of property acquired through backbreaking labor and the square meters of shared housing. The drum kit doesn't fit, aren't you Tommy Lee? It's worth putting it in storage. IN last years A brilliant American invention came to Russia - self-storage warehouses. For example, mobius-sklad.ru offers for a couple of thousand rubles a month to take care of things that can, by their very presence, poison the life together of even the most wonderful couple.

And one more thing: ideally, in a shared apartment, everyone should have a private corner. “For a man, such a place can be a table for tying fishing flies, for a woman - a dressing table with cosmetics,” Olga Mikulina instructs us. - External personal space is necessary, it is a continuation of the internal one. The classic male space is the garage. If there is no such place, partners will tend to look for it in other places, in particular in the apartments of other men and women.”

We will be in touch all the time!

As a rule, this idea comes to mind female half couples. As a result, in the hour that you spent in the sauna of a corporate sports club, you can receive the following text messages:
■ Mur-mur-mur :)
■ I sent you a photo of the kitten by email:)
■ Why don't you answer?
■ Ok, thanks for your attention.
■ Don't write to me anymore!

Agree in advance with the girl that you are not always available for communication. Say that, unfortunately, you have meetings from nine to one in the afternoon, and from three to six you smoke dolphins as part of team building. And, alas and ah, the management strictly ensures that no one is distracted by their phones at this time. But you will be glad to chat with her from half past three to fifteen to three. In theory, this should discipline her. Good luck.

We will always love the same things!

But it’s always better to do this

Strain in sex
It’s only us, men, who think that it couldn’t be better to swoop in like a hurricane and grab your iPad within five minutes. And women, believe it or not, still love foreplay. And remind her often of what you like. There are two of you here.

Celebrate anniversaries
Try to celebrate at least such significant dates as the anniversary of the first sex in penguin costumes. Girls really respect surprise anniversaries. But in general, it’s not difficult for you to drink champagne one more time and order pizza.

Look good
Make sure she doesn't see your shirt bursting under the influence of the physical law of your mighty belly. And she, in turn, should not loom in front of you in shapewear.

In the early stages of a relationship, it’s easy to love the same things. You watch the same movies, wear the same plaid shirts, order the same cocktails and exclaim “Wow!” with the same intonation. But inevitably there comes a fateful moment when, after the nightly sentence “Well, shall we watch the series?” she's downloading an episode of Cougar Town while you were counting on American Horror Story. The illusion of unity is crumbling.

According to Wolinsky, this happens because when we enter into a relationship, we expect our partner to “merge with us into one whole, thereby saving us from loneliness.” So remember: it's okay to like different things. But in no case should you try to change each other, to make each other fit your needs. Here's what Wolinsky writes about this: “Any attempt to change another to fit your idea of what they should be in order to cure you of the pain of loneliness is pretentious, narcissistic and, worst of all, separates you from your humanity and doesn’t allow you to be open and intimate.” The foreign tourist speaks well!

We will be inseparable

Even the most beloved creatures get boring sooner or later (if you have a child, you will understand what we mean). Therefore, there is nothing shameful (what a funny word, by the way) to periodically take a break from contemplating each other. Here is what our specialist told us about this: “For some couples, especially those who not only live but also work together, it is better to go on vacation separately. Some fear their partner's betrayal while away from home. If a person is determined to commit treason, he will commit it on the street next to his house. Distances are not important."

Every fairy tale ends with the prince and princess moving in together and living happily ever after. And then - not a word about the disputes about who will clean the toilet. In real life, of course, things are not so romantic. It will most likely not be possible to coincide harmoniously enough to continue leading your previous life to the fullest extent. This means you will have to adjust something, change your habits, and look for compromises.

What mistakes do we most often make when we start living together, and can they be avoided?

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Change dramatically

Let's start with the banal, but common. There are legends about women who, having moved in with a man, relax, stop taking care of themselves and begin to walk around the house exclusively in curlers and dubious-looking dressing gowns. Of course, I want to believe that modern world This is still some kind of exaggerated horror film, and no one today calls for you to get up before your husband and make yourself beautiful. But nevertheless, sudden metamorphoses should be avoided. I would like to hope that the man knows what you look like without makeup, and you will not scare him by washing off your eyebrows.

We are talking about changes not only external, of course. It’s also not worth turning from a sweet, calm person, having barely crossed the threshold of a common house, into a brawler/scandalist who becomes hysterical because of a dirty cup or a call from an unfamiliar number.

Deprive each other of personal space

Normally, each person needs a certain amount of personal space. Some people need to be left untouched for an hour in the morning, and certainly not before two cups of coffee. Some people prefer to sit in silence when they come home after a hard day at work. Living under the same roof does not at all mean that you should grow into each other and other “we are such friends, where he and I go.” The relationship should not be cramped and stuffy, and so that you don’t want to break out of it, you need to give each other (if necessary) time alone or just in silence.

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Total control

Here, as in point one, everything is entangled in legends, tales and horror stories like those that as soon as a couple begins to live together, a woman waits for her beloved at the door every day with a rolling pin in her hands, not taking her eyes off the dial, and then makes her breathe into a tube.

Naturally, when living together your whole life is in full view, and it’s no longer possible to stay half an hour late from work unnoticed. In addition, with such closeness, one may sometimes be tempted to leaf through unopened mail or turn out pants pockets before throwing them in the wash. No need. We remember that a person needs personal space, including outside the home. Not to mention that if there is no trust in a relationship, then it is better not to start it at all.

Impose your own rules

Every adult has his own way of life, his own idea of how everything should be, his own rules that have been formed over the years. Naturally, take it and bring it into life sudden changes not easy and painful.

For example, one of you is used to having dinner on the sofa in front of the TV, and the second needs a full feast. Or in the family of one it was customary to walk around the house in shorts, not hiding anything from prying eyes, and the second was scared to death by articles about how a man should not even think about the fact that you have periods or grow hair on your legs. We remember that they don’t interfere with someone else’s monastery with their own charter, but here we have two charters, so we’ll have to look for a compromise.

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Pay attention to nonsense

When starting to live with someone, you need to be prepared for such classics of the genre as socks scattered around the house, loose tubes of toothpaste and plates thrown in the sink. But you need to understand that there is not enough health for every dirty mug thrown, and it’s easier to treat all this. On the one hand, yes, it is all these everyday little things that make up our life, but on the other hand, if we are not ready to put up with them, then it is better to live alone.

Don't raise financial issues

The question is also difficult, since not everyone knows how to openly discuss money topics. But once you move in, you still have to more or less decide how your expenses will be managed from now on. Options for both separate and joint budgets are possible, and in both cases additional questions will arise, because one of the partners, for example, earns significantly more than the other, or one is an adherent of austerity, and don’t feed the other with bread, let him lose half his salary in the first day.

Carrying out all household chores alone

As before, women talk about the ability of a husband, boyfriend, or partner to equally share the burden of household chores as incredible luck, great luck and unimaginable happiness. That is, if a man can wash the dishes and take out the garbage, then this is regarded as a gift from heaven, and if he is sometimes also able to cook something, then this is generally amazing. Yes, despite all the achievements of modern civilization, the topic is still a painful one, and more often than not, moving in together for a woman means getting an additional burden (for example, many say that, living alone, they didn’t particularly bother with cooking, but when they started live with a man, they began to fully stand at the stove), while the man, on the contrary, receives a free housekeeper. It would be better if we discussed at least an approximate distribution of responsibilities before the stage of packing your bags.

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Play the silent game

It is foolish to believe that your partner should guess your thoughts, read them in your eyes and feel them with your heart. The only way to normal relationship- this is all to discuss openly. Speaking out without hesitation to offend a person is better than silently suffering from misunderstandings and accumulating resentment and anger for months and years.

Hope for a miracle

To avoid excruciating pain, you don’t need to hope that as soon as you start living together, you will immediately be able to change your partner and instill in him the necessary (in your opinion) habits. It’s worth throwing away illusions, forgetting your ideas about an ideal relationship and looking at things realistically. Because real life- this is not only wrapped in a blanket watching your favorite TV series in your arms, but also a hard struggle for the remote control.

And yes, it won’t hurt to buy a second blanket.

Our ancestors quite rightly believed that we should live together only after marriage. Why is it so categorical? Isn’t it better to test your feelings in everyday life?

Not at all. Firstly, the man will very quickly receive the forbidden fruit, secondly, he will no longer need to get married - everything suits him anyway, and thirdly, this very life is yours main enemy . Are you still determined to move in together? Then you need to figure out how to start living together so that from the first days you don’t make mistakes that will become fatal to your relationship.

Whose charter is for the monastery?

The most difficult thing at the initial stage is to develop the rules of living together. If you grew up in very different families, then this will be very difficult to do. Your parents lived in perfect harmony, and they found him mutual language only after loud scandals? On shore, determine that you do not accept anyone raising their voice. At the same time, don’t expect coffee in bed in the morning and housework from him, like your dad did. This will help you avoid the first disappointments in your loved one.

Don't claim it completely

If you run a common household, but are not yet married, for his friends and relatives you are just cohabitants. This means that he is essentially free. Your unofficial husband is most likely going to lead his old lifestyle, it will have to be shared with friends and relatives who may unceremoniously barge into your home. Think again carefully about whether you are ready for such a life. Share your concerns and expectations with him.

To each his own

Maybe your friend is used to the fact that a woman does everything around the house. There is no need to make a scandal and win your right. Be smarter. If you own a house, it gives you a gift or a trip to a restaurant every week. You should receive moral satisfaction and the opportunity to take a break from the labors of the righteous. Also entrust him with purchasing groceries. Give out the list and send it to the store. Carrying heavy bags is a man's job. Be sure to discuss the issue of finances. If the guy doesn't work, reserve the right to manage the money. This will make him get a job faster.

So, when starting a life together with a guy, you need to discuss everything on the shore important questions: distribute responsibilities, find out the degree of freedom, decide what to do with friends and relatives, and most importantly, decide whether you really need it, because you will be faced with a very powerful test of feelings, which cannot but affect relationships. If the guy doesn't want to move in together, be happy. This means that he understands that a month, a year, two will pass, and you will be marking time, undecided whether to unite your destinies in marriage.

If you want to test the strength of a relationship, start renovating your home, says folk wisdom. But what if you are just about to start living together? What to be prepared for before moving in with a guy, is it worth changing habits to please your loved one and how to correctly distribute roles and territory, read on.

We divide the territory

It's not difficult to move in with a guy. It is much more difficult to get along together. No matter how wonderful the relationship is, sooner or later one of you will violate the boundaries of your personal space, to which your partner may react unpredictably. Practice shows that it is easiest to live with a guy with whom you have shared a path that included various situations.

Psychologists' opinion:

“Often, conflicts in couples arise due to misunderstandings and hushing up grievances. When people just start dating, they turn a blind eye to many of their partner’s shortcomings - hormones are seething, so there is no analytical activity at all. The more life situations the couple experiences, the stronger the relationship becomes. And in each of these situations, true character traits emerge.”

So after deciding to live with a guy, the girl already knows that he can be aggressive and impatient in certain cases. There is no point in being offended by him - this is his nature. If the couple’s pastime mainly involves entertainment, it is impossible to get to know each other better. As a result, when lovers begin to live under the same roof, other, not always positive, character traits begin to appear unexpectedly. This leads to resentment. After all, in essence, resentment is an unjustified expectation of something that never happened.

Most grievances are related to the division of territory. Here's what you need to be prepared for before you start living with a guy:

He sometimes wants to be alone. Many girls are afraid of such a desire, like fire. It seems to them that the guy has stopped loving them. This is one of the biggest mistakes, on the basis of which serious scandals flare up.

Why? Every person needs solitude from time to time - to organize thoughts or disconnect from reality. It’s just that for some it takes a few minutes to withdraw into themselves and come back, while for others it takes at least half a day. This is mainly due to the activity of the brain, which sometimes needs a reboot.

What to do? If you don’t want to be known as a “brain-eater,” don’t take away your loved one’s precious moments alone with himself. You, too, sometimes want peace and quiet. So, instead of another portion of reproaches, it is better to do what you love - visit the gym, take a walk in the park, go shopping.

Not all of his hobbies are your business. And you have to come to terms with this. Otherwise, it will turn out like in the joke: getting up early, she broke all the fishing rods, flushed all the maggots down the toilet and cut the net with scissors, and then snuggled up to her beloved shoulder. There were two hours left to live.

Why? Hobbies are private territory. Not everyone (and even the closest friends) goes there. And if favorite hobby Is it related to the realization of a childhood dream? Same thing. So be loyal to the little weaknesses of your loved one.

What to do? Option two: fall in love with the same thing, and then instead of an enemy they will see you as a like-minded person (if your loved one is a Dynamo fan, you can cheer together at home or in a sports bar, at the same time, control the process of drinking alcohol), or give up and get a hobby herself. But don’t even think about rooting for another team, otherwise scandals over football battles will be added to domestic conflicts.

He likes chaos. And yes, it is much easier to understand than your ideal order. So, if there is a bunch of graphic drawings, professional literature and airplane models on your desktop, don’t bother. He feels so comfortable and familiar. And then, before his life, he somehow managed to cope with you.

Why? There are many options: the beloved is a pathological slob and he likes to live surrounded by a mountain of garbage; he is too preoccupied with career growth to pay attention to such trifles; a mountain of garbage is a sign of protest of your excessive cleanliness (yes, socks under the sofa from this opera).

What to do? Relax and stop cleaning as if you were living in an operating room. Or set a cleaning schedule for the area.

Developing habits together

Moving in with a guy means moving in with his habits. He will have to do the same. Some habits can transform over time - no one has canceled the compromise. Immediately specify several points (it seems like a trifle, it’s not because of such trifles that families break up), for example:

How to leave a toilet lid on. Here it is as convenient for anyone. For hygienic reasons, it is better to lift;
What to do with a tube of toothpaste. Someone calmly screws on the cap if their loved one left the tube open. And some people get terribly annoyed when their partner squeezes out toothpaste not from the ground up.
Who washes the dishes and when. Not everyone washes their cup immediately after drinking tea. Like, then there will be the main meal, so I’ll wash it. When the clean cups run out, there will be no time for jokes.
Who takes out the trash? If you always wash the dishes, let the trash be on your loved one's conscience. Or vice versa. But never take on all the chores around the house, otherwise you yourself will raise a lazy person and a slob.
How much cosmetics can be stored in the bathroom? Undoubtedly, tubes, jars and bottles are necessary, but isn’t it easier, instead of four body lotions with the amount “at the bottom”, to use one, but half full?
Who uses the computer and when. If everyone has their own gadget, the question automatically disappears. But if, as part of your job, you need to regularly receive and send files, and your loved one has occupied the laptop and is engrossed in a “shooter game,” it is impossible to convey anything to him, overcome with excitement.

Financial issue

Planning a family budget is one of the most difficult tasks for a young couple. There are so many people, so many opinions regarding who should replenish the family piggy bank.

Advice from psychologists:

“No matter how independent and financially independent you are, in no case should you pull the blanket on yourself in a financial matter. Firstly, by doing this you humiliate your partner - you question his ability to be a provider. Secondly, think about the future - after all, you have to give birth to children. It is doubtful that you will work with the same dedication before and after giving birth. So let your partner get used to being the captain of your shared boat.”

At the same time, one should not resort to extremes: a man a priori should, and a woman is created for love. A normal man already knows this. But that’s what a couple is for, to support each other in difficult times.

If your other half is able to provide for the family, let your contribution to the budget be symbolic. If not, you can use a 2:3 ratio (you give a slightly smaller amount for joint expenses) or divide the expense items (someone pays utility bills, someone else pays food).

Never control your partner's income. A normal man will always save money for something important to both of you. And little joys, which also require money, have not been canceled (for example, fishing or designing airplanes). After all, no one asks you to report why this or that lipstick and mascara were purchased.

For more information on how to understand the second half, watch the video below.