Why is goodness not appreciated? Why don't people appreciate the good you do for them? A good girl strives to find a partner for life and create a strong relationship

Good afternoon Maria! I really like watching your channel. My situation is this: I (28 years old) 3 years ago experienced severe mobbing at work from the entire office, including my superiors. Before that, I was a quite sociable girl, but I preferred to be alone more than surrounded by people. A year after this situation, I lived in constant apathy and depression, but was able to overcome it by mentally forgiving all the offenders and taking the blame upon myself, making it a life experience to learn from my own mistakes, but still it left a huge imprint on my psyche. I started working as a freelancer because I don’t want to be part of a team, I’m scared that they might do this to me again. I also began to be wary of all new people, looking for a catch in everything that could hurt me again on their part. Many people are offended by me because I distance myself. People are drawn to me, but I push them away, and this makes me anxious. I’m struggling with the feeling of protecting myself and the concept that this is impossible, you can’t hide from people all your life. And now I live in another country where I need to teach new language and, accordingly, communicate with foreigners, which makes me even more anxious and this prevents me from making progress on the path to a new life. I don’t know how to get out of this situation, please advise what can be done?

Hello, I’ve been beating around the bush for a week now, still debating whether to write to you or not. I used it in a boarding school, so I didn’t have my own home as such. And what does it mean good family I’ll find out as life goes on. My husband also had problems in his family. Dad gambled everything away. Mom worked like a horse to pay off her husband’s debts. And my husband, from the age of 14, helped her in her work. So, my husband and I got together when I was 19, my husband was 22. We found out that I was pregnant, and since we were in our final years of study, we decided to live with his mother in her house. At the same time, I always told my husband that I wanted to live separately. Mother-in-law is a completely separate issue. She is a powerful woman, she always speaks indirectly and not directly, but at the same time she is a terrible slob. He might pass by and say that your child hasn’t combed his hair or that the kitchen floors need to be washed. At the beginning, as a loving daughter-in-law living on her territory, I went and did everything, although I brushed the child an hour ago and washed the floors in the morning. So over time I was simply made a servant. They said you should do this, cook this, raise a child like this, go to the sea there and that. (The mother-in-law did nothing at all around the house). And if you try to say no, she starts to get offended (she starts acting like a teenager, goes into the room and closes herself). At the same time, when she cools down, she behaves as if nothing had happened. And it doesn’t matter that she offended anyone. I sometimes complained to my husband, but he didn’t react. But at the same time, I constantly told him that it was time to move. We quarreled over this, he began to explain that he was still helping his mother. And I believed it like a fool. We lived like this for 10 years. In the summer, I once again announced a conversation with my husband about moving, and, as usual, it ended in nothing. The mother-in-law heard and let’s explain that men are not built like that, and she knows better where and how we should live. The husband, as usual, sat and listened quietly. It got to the point where my mother-in-law leaves home for work at the crack of dawn, and comes back too. So that I could feel comfortable, but they again forgot to ask my opinion. And if she is at home, then we cannot be in the same room calmly. We haven't spoken for 4 months now. My daughter sees this, which is the worst thing. I explain to my husband, but as usual he doesn’t care. I said whatever he wants, but we have to move. Moreover, they paid off all their debts. Now it turns out that he does not want to move (his mother has a private house, and it is located very far from all the infrastructure). When asked why, there is only one answer: “Why should I leave everything here?” I’m trying to explain to him that no one is forcing him to give up everything, that he, as a loving son, should come to his mother and help her. That I will feel good away from his mother, that I will stop being nervous and worrying. He seems to begin to understand what I want to convey to him, but no, after a while he starts playing his tape again. That it’s more convenient, that we don’t have money and all that. (We have a one-room apartment) I’m trying to explain to him that if you don’t want to live in a one-room apartment, we can sell it. Take out a loan as much as you need and buy more. But this is also not an option for him. It got to the point where I gave an ultimatum, either his mom or I. I gave him a month to make a decision. Then I'll leave. Help me what to do. I love him, but I can’t live like this anymore. Maybe I am wrong? I'm very tired.

Hello. My son got married. Lives separately. My son is the meaning of my life. I just have an emptiness. I’m trying to fill it with everything I can. I’m not alone - I’m married. my husband and I are good. I hoped that my daughter-in-law would become a close and dear person. but a conflict occurred - we have a complete misunderstanding. We don’t understand or hear each other at all. I know that many mistakes were made by both me and her. We decided not to communicate with each other. My son is tormented by this. He is cunning and dodges, at least in front of me, as if to avoid conflict. I think that I controlled a lot in my son’s life. I dictated to him what and how to do. His wife was the same - she’s trying to control him. It’s easier for him to remain silent. just to avoid quarrels. he loves her. I have already come to terms with this. I'm tired of this situation. the son says that his wife believes that she is right in everything. I want to try to have a heart-to-heart talk. I want to start everything with white sheet. I want peace for everyone. But the girl is capricious. ambitious. vindictive. and most importantly, envies everyone a lot. late child of a single mother who lived with her grandparents until she was 13 years old. She is doing well. We are suffering - my son and I. How can I fix everything and not be rejected? ?

Why don’t men appreciate kind and caring women? How many times have I noticed this... 🤔. Is this really a drawback? If a woman has a good heart, this does not mean that she is stupid or naive. She has everything - career, leisure, hobbies, she is her own boss. At some point, such girls come to the conclusion that they no longer want to change their lives.

A good girl strives to find a partner for life and create a strong relationship. She is waiting to meet a man who will become her best friend.

She is looking for someone who will accept all her flaws and shortcomings and surround her with love and care. Such a girl does not view relationships as a game and does not manipulate guys.

Her kind heart doesn't make her weak, it helps her forgive and give people a second chance.

She sees only the good in those around her. Every person has the right to make a mistake - that’s what she thinks. We've all done things that we later bitterly regretted, the main thing is that we learned a lesson from it. Everyone has the right to start life with a clean slate.

Good girl is guided not by rules, but by intuition. She will not allow a man to tell her how to live, she loves herself the way nature created her. She considers her kindness to be a blessing from above.

She knows that kindness sometimes brings more problems and worries than happiness, but does not change her attitude towards people.

She knows that others seem strange, as if out of this world, but she doesn’t care, she’s always one step ahead.

Her path is the path of spirituality. She trusts the Universe and sees the blessing of heaven in every moment. In the most difficult situations she remains true to herself and her views.

Even if they mock her, she will not repay evil for evil. Kindness is her weapon. How do you feel about girls who seem good to others, but never find a partner?

Time passes, but one thing remains unchanged: people do not value good treatment. Once you come to someone’s aid, the person will have to do it constantly: refusals are not accepted. Although gratitude for a good attitude sometimes happens, this is the exception rather than the rule. Surely everyone is familiar with the gospel story about how Jesus healed 10 sick people, but only one thanked him. And this is not the first evidence of human ingratitude.

An innate property of higher animals

Not only psychologists, moralists and researchers of ethical sciences, but also ordinary scientists, in particular zoologists, tried to answer the question of why people do not value good treatment. Thus, Konrad Lorenz, an Austrian zoologist and animal psychologist, shed some light on the cause of human ingratitude. He studied animal behavior for a long time and came to the conclusion that aggression is an innate quality of higher animals.

There is also intraspecific aggression, when representatives of one species attack their own kind when they enter their territory. This behavior helps to survive in the wild.

Invasion and morality

Even without a scientific basis, it is easy to determine that intraspecific aggression is also characteristic of people, they just call it differently - competitive struggle. For example, in one city there are two photo studios. They are located in different parts of the city, and the owners are even friends. But if one of them opens his own studio next to a competitor, then a fierce struggle and poaching of clients will begin, because such an act is an encroachment on someone else’s territory.

This suggests a simple conclusion: by nature, man is angry, but at the same time a social being. To survive, he needs to learn to exist with his own kind, therefore in society there are morals, rules of behavior and other laws. To reduce someone's aggression, people try to express submission. And the conclusion that suggests itself: gratitude and good attitude are perceived as weakness. Everyone expects to be treated well, but no one wants to do it in return.

A person, doing good to someone, transcends his natural egoism and wants this “sacrifice” to be appreciated. If someone sees himself treated well, he feels superior. And this pleases the ego. This is why people don't appreciate good attitude.

How to respond to ingratitude?

It has long been known that people do not value good treatment. And during this time, many sayings have accumulated. They say that you cannot provide services where they are not asked.

Treat others the way they treat you.

Do not provide benefits that are not asked of you.

Do good and throw it into the water.

Praise, like gold and diamond, has value only when it is rare.

Don't look for scoundrels; good people commit scoundrels.

Despite the fact that man is a rational being and must act rationally, most human actions are committed under the influence of instincts, not reason. Because everyone has instincts, but fate has deprived some of them of education and prudence.

From Shakespeare

Well, we’ve sorted out science and instincts, it’s time to move on to philosophy, ethics and aesthetics. And, perhaps, let's start with Shakespeare. Another famous playwright of the past wondered:

Is there anything more monstrous than human ingratitude?

Unfortunately, he was never able to answer it. People did not and do not value good relations either then or now. As soon as you help someone unselfishly, instead of gratitude, the person is given the obligation to help constantly. It’s not for nothing that they say that as soon as you help someone a couple of times, someone’s legs immediately begin to hang from their neck. People take kindness for granted and are very offended when they are refused.

Goethe once said that ingratitude is a common weakness. Prominent people They will never allow themselves to be ungrateful. In any case, they will find a way to thank the one who helped them, and will never forget the service provided to them.

Without a fool life is bad

There are many aphorisms about when people do not value a good attitude. One of them is especially worth highlighting:

There must always be fools in the world who sacrifice personal interests for the sake of public interests, receiving in return reproach and ingratitude (Alexander Hamilton).

Perhaps if everyone minded their own business exclusively, there would be no society as such. Perhaps anarchy would reign everywhere, people would look at each other like a wolf and see their enemy in everyone they met. Only due to the fact that there are people who will not spare themselves for the good of others, society somehow resembles a civilized society. But even here there are many unpleasant situations that cannot be dealt with.

When they don't appreciate

People don't appreciate a good attitude. More than one or two quotes can be given on this matter. The most unpleasant thing is when, for the sake of another person, you have to do unseemly, sometimes even illegal, things.

Ingratitude never hurts the human heart more than when it comes from people for whose sake we decided to do something unseemly (Henry Fielding, The Story of Tom Jones).

They say that it is not common for victors to remember those who cleared their path to the throne with swords. This truth is as old as the world, but not a single ruler has yet disdained it.

Demonstrative gratitude, a few words, a certificate, a medal or a posthumous speech are formalities, not gratitude. Indeed, the game will continue until the king falls, and no matter how many pawns lie near his throne. But one day fate will begin to take revenge, and then the one who did not know how to appreciate a good attitude towards himself will find himself in the place of the one whom he offended. Life is incredibly wise, so don’t dwell on the bad, one day everything will fall into place, the mosaic will come together and everything will be as it should be. The main thing is not to forget to thank fate for this.

Let's talk. You will object to me - how much they value it! But this is not entirely true - a man values ​​any woman’s actions exactly as long as he values ​​the woman herself. Just like with children. As long as the mother loves them, she loves the children too. And after the divorce, remember the name and alimony through the court. Therefore, do not rush to give a man all of yourself, especially in the hope that he will notice this, and that the memory of your merits at the fateful moment will keep him close. At the same time, I do not dissuade you from acting at the behest of your soul and helping or supporting a man when you see fit. Just do it because your conscience tells you to, without expecting gratitude. If he appreciates it, it’s great, but if he doesn’t, it’s ce la vie.

As I have written many times, it is very important for a man to be good - even when he commits outright bad acts. Therefore, his “task” is to shift the responsibility onto the woman as much as possible. I cheated - you didn't pay enough attention to me. He insisted that he didn’t want children, and at the age of 50 he “made” a child with his mistress and left for her - you should have better convinced me of the need for children and in general you yourself didn’t want it. Or here's another example. The husband suffered a stroke, the wife looked after him, found doctors, took out a loan to get him into a good position. rehabilitation center. When he recovered, he went to his mistress, who appeared before his illness (his wife did not know). To all the questions, “How is this possible?!”, he answered, “I didn’t ask you to look after me.” And you can’t argue, except from a moral point of view.

While I was writing the article, I found the story of a girl who was married as a virgin. I thought that my husband would appreciate it - he was so happy about it. “I had my first wedding night after the wedding. Almost 10 years later there was a very difficult divorce. To my words... how could you cheat on me with no one and not when... there was an answer... and who asked you. It was like an ice cold shower."

Tell these stories to men outside the context of the article and you will see that most of them will not understand the problem and will answer the same way - well, he didn’t ask... Yes, even if he asked, a man will always find a way to turn the matter in his favor.

There's another one interesting feature- a man only remembers your last action. What does it mean, usually “negative”. He will take the positive for granted, but God forbid he refuses you anything. All your previous support, the help of a fighting friend, the fact that you were there in the most difficult moments, etc. will be forgotten at the first opportunity when you cannot, do not want, or do not have the strength to do something else for him again. However, at every opportunity he himself will remember how 3 years ago he gave you 50 thousand rubles for a new handbag and will present it as if he does it almost every week. These 50 thousand 3 years ago will become his business card, the answer to all your complaints. Your actions are what you are obligated to do anyway. His is the triumph of a hero, applause and a laurel wreath.

So Why don't men appreciate being treated well?? I have already mentioned the first reason. The memory of your merits will limit him, prevent him from doing what he wants, but what you won’t like. Therefore, it is easier to forget or present it as your good will, which he did not ask for, or another option is to say that you, as a wife, were already obliged to do this, there is nothing special about it. And it doesn't matter what it cost you. After all, we are not talking about washing dishes or “in sickness and in health,” but about life-defining moments, such as the birth of children or large financial obligations and risks, where you sacrifice something for the sake of a man. That's why you should always think only about yourself first. Or, as my elderly friend said, “never tell your husband all your secrets, don’t give in on everything, don’t expect that he will appreciate and respond in kind.” I would add - and never feel sorry for a man if we are not talking about momentary experiences or objective troubles. It’s not a fact that he will regret you later. As long as everything is fine in your family, you will have no reason to doubt, but as soon as the marriage cracks or problems arise, you may be bitterly disappointed.

The second reason, Why don't men appreciate being treated well? the fact that they take the vast majority of actions for granted. The wife will tell her friends for a long time how her husband brought her oranges to the hospital almost every day, how he cared, how great he was, not like others. A man will perceive a similar situation as completely natural. Maybe he will brag to his friends, but in fact he will react very calmly, or even notice that you could pay more attention.

Another reason is boundary testing. Subconsciously (and not really) a man wants to know to what extent he can “use” a woman. Not in terms of banal and cynical use, but in everyday life. Where is the line that you can’t cross, otherwise you’ll get a response. If a wife gave a large amount of money a couple of times, how many times can she give the same amount or more? How long will she tolerate my “quirks” before giving the final warning? To be fair, I will say that not only men do this, women no less.

Therefore, through good relationship a man cannot be conquered. You give him affection, borscht, good sex, comfort, clean floors - but he doesn’t need that. This is a hymn of love for you, but for him it is nothing more than pleasant, but not even very necessary little things. To a much greater extent, he needs a female partner nearby, equal in level to him. Or a “hot thing” with character. And he will eat borscht in a restaurant - especially since it tastes better there...

And lastly, perhaps you are simply imposing your idea of ​​\u200b\u200bgood on a man. It seems to you that you are caring, but it seems to him that you are intrusive. It’s not really his fault anymore. You can’t instill your own beliefs about happiness in another person; it’s better to understand what he needs specifically.